Growing up, Yongsun and I were always best friends. Ever since the first day we met in Grade 7, we were inseparable inside and outside of school. I can't think of anything we didn't do together that all best friends do when they were young and crazy. It was truly a blessing to have her as a neighbour because it made things so much easier when we wanted to do stuff like sneak out at night to watch the stars. With her lying down beside me on the grass at our favourite spot in the park and her hand in mine, I realized there was nothing more I wanted to ask for in life. She brought me happiness in unexplainable ways and I really cherished that. She felt the same, and she told me too. Towards the end of high school, these feelings only grew stronger as we grew older. However, we never established a name for whatever we were, but rather just crossed the blurred line of friends and lovers carelessly here and there. We cared too much about our own carefree lifestyles and didn't want to tie each other down with the responsibilities of an actual relationship. Some people would say we were friends with benefits, but we both disagreed strongly to those claims. Our connection was much more than anyone could have understood, and we cared deeply about each other. We decided others can think whatever they want of us, because all that matters is our happiness. We did talk very seriously about what we were sometimes, but it wasn't until that day did we finally establish something.

I still remember that day very clearly. The day we made our pact. 

We were sitting at our usual place in the park after school in my Grade 11 year (12 for her) just enjoying the last few traces of fall before it gets colder. We were chatting about our goals after high school, and somehow the topic of us came up again in conversation. I was trying to find a chance to bring this idea up to her for sometime by then, but never really found the opportunity to. I figured I'd finally tell her, and so I did. 

I asked her to look me in the eye and listen to what I had to say very carefully. She did exactly that. She sat there listening to every word I said without missing a single beat. I told her about how much she meant to me, and how much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her after we both figured ourselves out and had enough of our carefree lifestyles. I said we should get married if neither of us were married, in love, or committed to another by the time I was 29 and she was 30. I think I even threw a "No one will want you anyway if you aren't married by the time you hit your 3rd decade so you might as well come back to me" in there somewhere to , and earned a gentle slap on my arm and a laugh from her for saying that. She answered me very seriously and said she agreed to everything I said minus the no one will want her part, to which she replied with "Watch me prove you wrong". To be honest I was really hoping she wouldn't, so that no one else can have her but me by then. But I just laughed it off as we pinky-promised each other that one fall afternoon when I was 15 and she was 17.

We went to universities on different sides of the country. She wanted to study nursing and she had the marks for the best nursing program in the country. Being the brave and bold person she is, off she went with no regrets. A year later when I finished high school, I was content with the scholarship I was being offered for staying close to home at the university not too far from town, so I stayed. We kept in contact for a while. We talked on the phone, constantly messaged each other and complained about school, and always found time for each other. However, school begin to take a toll on both of us, and we started talking less and less frequently. We both started dating other people and exploring what other things life had to offer. Of the few times we did talk, however, one thing was for sure: we both vowed to continue keeping our promise to each other.

Everything was fine.

Until Yongsun lost both her parents in a car accident when she was in fourth year.

I remember that day very clearly too.

A couple friends and I had just finished our final exam for the term and decided to go clubbing. Of the rare few times that I did not check my phone for an extended period of time, that just had to be one of them, and I still regret it to this day.

Yongsun had called but I didn't pick up. She then texted me to let me know about the devastating news, and that she hopped on the first plane back and will arrive in the evening to see her late parents. She was wondering if I can be there for her during the most difficult time of her life despite us not being as close as we were before.

I didn't read any of these texts until she saw me in my bed much later than night.

With someone else I'd brought back from the club.

I wasn't cheating. I didn't break any rules. But when I watched her turn around and run away from me no matter how many times I called out to her and chased after her to no avail, damn did I feel like the biggest that had committed the most unforgiveable crime. 

She never talked to me again after that night. All my texts were ignored and all my calls went straight to the voicemail that became full after the first couple of days. I lost every single trace of her in my life, and to say every day was painful to live through was a huge understatement. I tried really hard, I really did. But since she didn't want to see me, she went out of her way to make sure I never saw her either.

I don't know how I managed to continue living my life carrying such heavy guilt on my shoulders for the next few years. I took a year off because I was too emotionally unstable to stay in school. I graduated a year later than everyone my age, and found a stable income job that was enough to support me. I never dated anyone again and you bet I never stepped foot in a club again either. By then I was 22 going on 23, Yongsun was 24 and still nowhere to be found. 

I thought it was over, the pact that we made 7 years ago when we were younger and didn't know better. But even then, I held onto the hope that maybe she will at least reach out to me again so we can talk. I didn't expect her to forgive me, because if I were her I wouldn't forgive me either. Days went on and I never once forgot about her. That's how I realized how in love with her I still was after all these years. I swore on my life that even if I had just once chance to meet her again in my life time, I would cherish, love, and protect her like no one ever has.

I endured the silent treatment for another 3 years before she finally messaged me. She told me her whereabouts and how she was doing, and asked about me. She also mentioned that she never forgot about our pact.

I dropped everything and flew to her immediately the very next day. 

She didn't change much, other than the fact that she seemed much less lively compared to before. I didn't dare ask for forgiveness, but I did ask if I can stay with her after finding out she was alone. She was hesitant at first, but agreed in the end after I insisted on taking care of her. We lived together for the next while and slowly caught up with what we have missed out on in each other's lives. It took her quite some time to slowly warm up to me again, and I gave her all of my patience. Gradually, she told me everything, absolutely everything. She told me how busy she was with school during the days when we stopped talking, and how much she missed me and wished we kept in contact just a little more frequently. She told me about the different people she met in the past few years and how sweet some of them are, but she never lasted long with them because they weren't me. She told me how her heart completely shattered twice in one day by the news of her parents and then seeing me with someone else when she needed me the most. She told me about how she ended up dropping out of school and never finished her nursing degree. It took her 4 whole years of therapy before she learned how to open up to people and to feel again. She told me about how many times she thought about ending her life, but always backed out last minute because she was terrified of the consequences that she wasn't even sure of. She told me how sorry she was for hiding from me for so long even though I wasn't the one at fault. She also told me she still loved me just the same. 

Everything was going well once again after we started living together. She stopped getting nightmares and I was there to hold her every night. I stopped getting nightmares because I was able to hold her every night. I found a job and settled for good. I encouraged her to go back to school to pursue that nursing degree that she wanted so much, and I was there to support her every step of the way. My life had a purpose again and I showered her with love like no one else ever could in this lifetime. 

I tried to propose to her a year after we started living together. She laughed and said I was being too eager. "I'm not 30 yet, someone might want me still." was her way of putting me on hold. She still needed time to recover, and after what I'd put her through, I was more than willing to wait. There was still time before we fulfilled the age requirements in our pact anyway. But I'll never forget how she couldn't hide the gleam in her eyes and the way her face lit up when I asked the question. That was a month before my 28th birthday, and she was 29.

I'm going to skip all the little details that lead up to the end of the story because I just simply can't force myself to recall it all again. 

She died a month before I turned 29.

It was a car accident. She left for school that day and never came back. I remember the very last thing I said to her was "Don't forget to buy milk on the way home".

I was going to ask her the question again in a month, but I never got to.

I never even got to say "I love you" one last time.

I'm 35 this year and I still live in the city Yongsun was studying in. I still work the same job and go through the same routine days. I still avoid streets with clubs on them, no matter how much of a hassle the detours were. The only thing that has changed was how much I hated everything in my life.

I hated absolutely everything in my life.

I realized the pain I felt during the few years that I endured her silent treatment was only a fraction of how I feel now. Lost, lonely, and empty without a reason to carry on. It really ing hurts.

Life is really really not fair, and it really really . I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on, to be completely honest. All I know is that every time I look over at the wedding rings sitting on my desk, all the regrets come in overwhelming waves of flashbacks, and you have no ing idea how much I wish I could've just treated her right from the start.

That's it. That's my story about a wedding pact that I made once upon a time with the love of my life, and how I never fulfilled it in the end. There's nothing more to the story and it's not a happy ending. 

Who knows, maybe one day I'll learn to feel again, like Yongsun did back then, because I know this is what she would have wanted for me.

But I'm sure that won't happen for a long time. A very long time.