Standing in front of the foreboding building that felt like it was towering over Jungkook, he shifted from foot to foot. Tear streaks stained his cheeks and if he could hide behind his dark brown fringe he would. Sadly, he had just gotten a haircut three days ago and it hadn’t grown nearly enough to drop the curtain in front of his eyes and let Jungkook feel the comfort of not being able to see anyone and the thought that no one could see him. He had never felt so small, weak, unwanted, not loved, alone before. The way it spread through his veins like a slow acting poison  into his heart made him shift uncomfortably again.

He shouldn’t be here. He knew that. The person’s apartment he was standing in front of was one he hadn’t seen in three years. It had been too long for a casual drive by. He hadn’t come back from the army and decided to drop by and see his hyung. Jungkook was pretty sure he wasn’t even welcome to call him by such an intimate term. Sure, some people would toss the word hyung around quite loftily, once engaging with someone they knew they would see more than once but… Three years of radioactive silence. They weren’t friends, not even acquaintances anymore let alone brothers. Jungkook had ed up then and he felt like he was about to up now. Taking a hesitant step backwards, it was probably for the best that he just left. Turned away, walked away like he had allowed the other man to do years ago. Let? Hell, he didn’t have a choice or at least at the time it didn’t feel like a choice. They forcibly removed themselves from his life, taking all of their love, comfort, friendship, companionship, protection with them. It was a harsh blow, a sharp unexpected one but if he searched his hearts of hearts, Jungkook knew it was a well deserved one.

There was only so long you could use a person, even unintentionally because it became too much. To take and take and take without giving anything back. It was selfish. And here he stood, on the doorstep of the one he continously took from because another had harmed him; had taken from him a part of himself he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get back. It hurt. It ing hurt; like a bear trap snapping its metal jaws and piercing the pathetic animal it had tricked and caught in its grasp.

Jungkook understood why his feet lead him here. He knew it was because he personally needed the one person who had never truly let him down. He needed the person that always had his best interests at heart, the person who he knew understood him, the person who actually loved him and always had loved him. Running his hand through his hair, Jungkook tugged on it in frustration and turned around. As much as he needed him, he didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve to be here after all he had put the other through. It didn’t matter that he had no idea anything was going on until after the fact, that actually made it worse. Jungkook didn’t deserve his comfort but his heart was shattered into pieces and even without Hoseok here right now, it still felt like he was stomping all over them.

The internal struggle had him standing in front of that person's apartment building for almost thirty minutes now. He couldn’t bring himself to leave, a few people had crossed his path on their way out, it was still pretty early in the evening. The odd glances and raised eyebrows Jungkook couldn’t even see.

“Be the better person.”

The words were muttered softly under his breath. He had to make the better choice. Jungkook knew that he couldn’t, absolutely could not walk in those doors, knock on his door and enter his life again if he wasn’t willing to go the full mile. If he wasn’t ready to live up to all of the others expectations. It would be so wrong of him to put him through that.

Again.

He couldn’t do that and as much as his heart was reaching out for the comfort he knew would embrace him so warmly and completely, soothe his soul and help him heal, Jungkook couldn’t, wouldn’t be selfish again.

“You deserve better.”

It had been three years, who even knew if he hadn’t moved on. Surely he had moved on by now. Those thoughts plagued his mind but Jungkook knew it was just a way to rationalize, to make it okay for him to knock on that door and take what he needed, just like how he always did without any thoughts prior.

Gazing up at the third floor, three windows from the center of the building, Jungkook sighed, pulling up his courage and turning around. He took the first step away from the building, away from him, being the person he should have been three years ago and putting his friend first.

One foot in front of the other, he kept moving. If he let just a moment of weakness cloud his mind, he would turn around and knock on that door. Jungkook really didn’t want to do that. He kept his bleeding heart to himself and pressed forward.

One step.

One step.

One more step.

Jungkook didn’t leave his apartment for the next three days. Partly because he was being lazy and partly because he didn’t think he could get very far without a tear or two escaping. He had always been a crybaby. When he was younger he cried in front of others. As he grew older Jungkook forced himself to hold it back but that didn’t mean he cried any less. No, he just did it more privately.

Receiving text messages from worried friends aka Kim Taehyung only made the man want to hide even more. He knew that Taehyung would be there for him but he didn’t want the pity, the sad glances when he thought Jungkook wasn’t looking. He just wanted to be alone, curl up into himself and wallow in the sorrow that was him not being enough for the man he had thought he was ready to tell he loved him. They had been dating for almost nine months and saying I love you had never been something he was good at but he felt ready. Or he did, until it was all smashed to smithereens with just a few words from his boyfriend. No, ex-boyfriend. Jung Hoseok was no longer his boyfriend. He apparently hadn’t been for awhile.

Lying on the couch in grey sweatpants, no shirt, his arm over his head with the television playing some type of sitcom that Jungkook was barely watching, he ignored the ping of his iphone. Taehyung never knew how to quit, but it was also the man’s perseverance that Jungkook admired. It took another ten minutes before he lazily reached out towards the coffee table, fingers scrabbling to reach his iphone. He managed to touch the corner but it was not quite enough. Rolling his body away from the couch and closer towards the table, Jungkook managed to pull it close enough to open the message without leaving this position.

Favorite hyung 11:36pm: Jungkook…

Favorite hyung 11:46pm: I saw you the other day.

As his eyes skimmed along the messages, his shock took over and he lost control in attempt to bring the phone closer, instead falling onto the floor with a heavy

“Oof!”

And his phone sliding off the table, smashing into his hip phone and onto the floor next to him. Damn, that hurt like a . Hitting your bone with something so hard always seemed to hurt ten times worse than if you had hit a fleshy body part. Scrambling for his phone and propping himself up, Jungkook read the messages again. He hadn’t seen that name light up his phone in over three years, yet he could never delete his hyung’s number and apparently neither could his hyung.