“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but—I hope—into a better shape.” 

―Charles Dickens

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

A sharp sound resonated in my ears before it slowly turned into a sort of white noise that made me wince and lose my breath. I couldn't see anything. It seemed like everything was a canvas of blur and I had to close my eyes because that noise grew stronger. 

When a foreign ache struck my chest, I forced my eyes open and looked down to see that my legs were mostly soaked with blood. At the sight, the noise suddenly dimmed and was replaced by muffled voices that I couldn't decipher. My vision start to shake when a tattered stuffed toy suddenly appeared on my dirty lap.

I smiled and reached out for it with what little energy I had left. But before I could even graze its worn fur, an old hand gently scooped it up. My misting eyes focused on the man's black dress shoes before they shifted up to his aged face. He had the toy cradled against the crook of his arm while a single lily dangled from his hand. 

He was a man that I have never seen before but there was something about him that felt familiar to me. His thin lips smiled kindly down at me before he crouched down to my level—letting out a few grunting noises as he did. 

"Are you afraid?" he asked. 

I stilled, the muffled voices slowly getting louder in the background. I couldn't find my voice but I think he got the answer from my face because he frowned slightly. The toy caught my attention once more and soon, I found myself staring at it. He seemed to have noticed because he carefully held it out to me yet it looked like he didn't plan on giving it.  

"Do you want to hold him, dear?" 

My eyes blurred again but it was for a different reason and it surprised me. I was crying. Why? I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and hesitantly reached for its head. I blinked and opened my eyes to see the man holding a baby that was swaddled in a comfortable blanket. My breath quickened and my heart pounded erratically. The voices were getting clearer and the crimson stains on my legs were starting to disappear. 

I looked back at the child, my fingers grazing against his delicate skin, my heart soaring at the way the boy was looking at me expectantly. My soft tears turned into heaving sobs and I tried to hold him with both hands but the man stood up before I could even try. 

"I'll take care of him." he said. 

No! I wanted to scream but whenever I opened my mouth, nothing would come out. Desperately, I tried to reach for him again but the man took a step back. His face turned blank now, different from the sympathetic one from earlier. The change brought spine-tingling chill in my body and I began to tremble even though I didn't feel cold at all.

He looked at me one last time before he put the lily down on the floor and said, "You will get your happiness in due time." 

But my happiness was right there. It was in his arms, squirming against that blanket and reaching his little hand back at me. When the baby started to fuss and whine, the man turned and started to walk away. 

No! No!!

I wanted to stand up and run after them but I feel like I'm bound against something. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I could just watch helplessly as the baby started to cry while the man continued to walk. The white space that we were in was starting to show some color... some people. But I didn't care about that. I just wanted to soothe the baby. 

Give him back!!

Again, I struggled against the invisible force that held me but I could feel my body weakening to the same pain that hurt me earlier. My mouth hanged open and all I could do was cry at their retreating figures. 

Give me back my baby!

An irritated, sobbing growl escaped my lips and I closed my eyes and let the pain take over my whole body. I could feel my heart thunder against my chest and it felt harder to breath, leading me to hyperventilate. 

I want my baby!

I opened my eyes again only to find myself in Jiyong's chest while he bawled his apologies against my dampening hair. My eyes roamed weakly at the worried and pitying looks strangers were giving me. I didn't like it so I looked at a mindless spot on the floor and let my senses overwhelm me as they grew painfully clearer. 

"I want my... baby." I whispered. 

All I got was another round of endless apologies but that wouldn't get me my baby back. It wasn't even his fault. It was mine. It was always mine. 

You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. 

Tears started to well up again but I couldn't find it in my heart to feel anything. I didn't deserve to feel anything. 

But it hurt too much.

"I want my baby." 

Please don't take my sunshine away.

"Dara!" Someone screamed. "Dara!"

I turn to look at the shouter and see Jiyong looking panicked. I opened my mouth but nothing but a gasp escaped my lips. I wanted to tell him that I was here but I was drowning—drowning from the overwhelming pain. The clarity in my vision worsened again and soon, everything went back to being a huge blurred mess that was coupled with a noise that made me wince. 

And finally I gave in. I closed my eyes and wished to relive the dream where I got to touch my baby. 

Mine and Jiyong's baby. 

-when he was 14- 

"Hey ugly. Why do you keep avoiding me, huh?" 

The boy shrugged as if he couldn't be bothered whereas the fuming girl beside him was all types of bothered. When Dara pushed his shoulder, he stopped walking to give her his most menacing glare but the girl answered with the same deathly stare. Jiyong scoffed and shook his head before he walked away from her again.

"YAH!!"

Jiyong didn't like her anymore.

"KWON JIYONG!"

Okay, he's trying not to like her anymore.

With a long-suffering huff, he whined, "What!"

Dara took an abrupt halt as she saw the anger and irritation in his face. Nervously, she pursed her lips and took a wary step back, feeling the tension rise in the air between them. 

"I-I..." she started. "I was just..." She finally met his gaze. "Did I do something wrong? Why are you avoiding me...? Did I make you upset?" 

Jiyong jaw clenched tight, willing himself to keep his calm while he continued to stare at her. Hell yeah she made him upset! The stupid girl wouldn't stop gushing about boys and how she wanted to get a boyfriend. He'd rather lose a leg than hear any of that whining she's been spouting for the last couple of weeks. And he hated it even more because he knew that there wasn't a guy that was good enough for her. 

"I don't know, did you?" he remarked sarcastically. "I couldn't hear you over your constant about boys." He actually cringed as he said the word. "Do you really think I'd be interested in hearing like that? What am I, a girl?!" He didn't know why he was getting so angry but he just was. It was like a switch him and suddenly, he's this insensitive little prick. Jiyong hated this feeling. But he hated feeling something else even more. 

Am I not enough?

"Why are you so mad?" she mumbled and he couldn't help but scoff. Of course she'd be clueless. Sandara Park was the most thickheaded idiot he knew. He was mad at her but what stung more was that she couldn't even see it. And what gave him a slap in the face was that he could see his reflection in her eyes but that was all it was. 

Nothing more. 

She took a step closer and put a hand on his arm. Instantly, he felt a current run through his entire body. He turned to her to see if something changed but all he saw was worry in expression. He wanted to laugh because he felt like he was being pitied but like always, he just got lost in those dark brown eyes. 

Was she looking at him like that too? Was she getting lost too? 

Or has it only ever been him. 

"If I hurt you, then I'm sorry..." She frowned, tugging his sleave lightly. "Jiyong... talk to me." 

He shook his head and smiled weakly. "No, don't worry about it. It's just one of those days." His eyes dimmed. "I'll get over it." 

"Jiyong—"

"Why are we friends?" 

A strong wind blew past them but they remained still. Dara was watching him with widened eyes while he looked to the ground in guilt. Why was he even doing this? Did he really want to ruin what they have by letting his feelings get in the way. Jiyong smiled ruefully to himself. Maybe he really was becoming a girl. 

"I like you, Dara." he found himself saying. "I like you a lot." 

He didn't dare look at her when he said it but when he felt her hand cup his cheek, he just couldn't help it. Feeling hope swarm through him, he looked back at her only to find the same worried look from earlier. Nothing else. Just the same reflection of the pathetic boy in those beautiful, dark brown eyes. 

"I like you too, Jiyong." 

But it wasn't the same. It never was. 

He chuckled because he already knew. "Thanks, pabo-yah." He just expected too much. 

Dara bit her lip and patted his cheek. "I'll stop if you don't want me too."

"Stop what?"

"Talking about boys..."

"I don't care." Jiyong shrugged again. "But why do keep talking to me about it? Don't you have girls you hang out with?"

"No." She didn't even hesitate. 

He gave her a doubtful look. "But I see you sometimes having fun with girls when I pick you up from class. And isn't Dami noona your friend—"

"Yeah, they're my friends but I'm never as comfortable with them as I am with you." she interrupted. 

"But why me?" 

She looked at him incredulously. "Why not you?"

Jiyong wanted to ask the same question. 

"I talk to you about these stuff because you're one of the only few I trust. Yeah, I'm close to Dami but never as much as I'm close with you... I know you, Jiyong. And I know that you always listen and want what's best for me. And I take all of your advice because I trust you." she said. 

"Why you? Because you're my best friend. We're a team and we look out for each other." she continued. "If you want me to stop then I will. I don't mind. I just... I wish you'd tell me sooner so I wouldn't have had to annoy you so much all this time. I should've known better."

"No, it's okay. I was just being an . You can tell me whatever you want." he smiled assuringly and waved a dismissive hand. "I'm sorry." 

"No, Jiyong—"

"No, Dara." he laughed. "It's fine. I'm fine. Finals are coming up and the stress just got to me... and with you harping around, it just made me irritated." He soothed her arms and placed a quick peck on her head. "We'll go back to how we were... after my Finals, okay? You don't have to change for me."

Jiyong was surprised to hear Dara scoff. She glared at him before pinching his arm. "Why are you acting like that? I'm 4 years older than you, remember? Act your own age, goddammit."

"Is your maturity being threatened by mine?" He raised an amused brow, earning him another pinch. Again, he laughed before slinging an arm on her shoulder, his hand unconsciously soothing her skin. 

There was a suspicious glint in her eyes but when his demeanor went back to his playful self, a smile finally tugged her lips and she put an arm around his waist as they began walking. 

"Just whatever happens... wherever we end up... know that I'll always be here, alright?" he suddenly exclaimed.

"Is that a promise or a threat?"

"Both. Depending if we're still friends or not."

She snickered as if what he said was the funniest thing she'd heard. "Idiot. Of course we'd still be friends! We'll always be friends." 

All he did was just smile and nod. It was like she'd already given him her answer even though he hasn't confessed yet. His eyes roamed around the quiet street before they went up to the darkening skies. 

Friends.

Why did that leave such a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Jiyong, stop!" Sunmi begged frantically, tugging his shirt to get him to stop. "You can't take her!" 

He snorted and looked at Sunmi behind his shoulder sneering, "Watch me." 

Carefully, Jiyong removed the wires that were attached t