“And hard times are good in their own way, too. Because the only way you can achieve true happiness is if you experience true sadness as well. It's all about light and shade. Balance.” 

―Gabrielle Williams

-more than two years ago-

The light from her smartphone was the only thing that illuminated her dark room. Her eyes trained blankly on the small screen while her fingers hovered over the keyboard unsurely. Her mind felt like it was about to burst with all the ongoing thoughts in her head yet her whole body remained still, as if she was completely frozen in place. She felt like the incessant ticking of her wall clock taunted her, putting an even bigger stress on her and making her realize that she didn't have enough time left. 

Maybe she didn't have the right time in the beginning. 

Her hand started to tremble and soon, her grip weakened and her phone slipped right out of her hands. The device fell on her bed with a soft thud but she felt the subtle sound ring louder in her ears and she didn't know why. 

It's been about six weeks already since Jiyong had moved to Japan unannounced. Her mother had already told her that his family had called him in for an emergency in the business but Dara knew better. She was the one who did this. She was the one who made him leave. 

And now she was alone, feeling the chill of the bitter loneliness that she put upon herself. 

Feeling a sickening churn in her stomach, Dara forcibly pushed herself up and raced to the bathroom. The sound of her loud footsteps woke her mother up and the older woman padded out of her room, only to see her daughter retching on the floor as a puddle of vomit stained her lap.

"Oh my god, Dara!" Sunmi hurriedly grabbed a towel to clean her up and she was calling her name with desperate repetition but the girl remained immobile. 

Dara looked at the mess that she's made and felt completely disgusted with herself. The thought only made her more nauseous and she was thankful enough that her mother had given her a bucket before she could dirty herself even more. 

"What's wrong, sweetie? What's happening to you?" She could hear the fear in her mother's panicked cries. Dara turned to her an offered an assuring smile but it seemed to only make her worry even more.

Dara thought she heard her mom talking to someone on the phone so she tried to be respectful and give her some space. Just as she tried to stand up and walk, her foot slipped on her vomit, falling with a loud thud that made her groan and wince in pain. 

"Please, please, I need one fast! M-My daughter... she's... DARA!" 

What's with all the racket? She wanted to ask but she couldn't find her voice. Her body was sprawled on the floor as differing aches shot her in different part of her body. She squirmed and clutched her stomach as another wave of pain consumed her. Eyes filled with tears, she had no other choice but to find refuge in the dim halls. 

"Jiyong." she'd call. "Jiyong." 

Suddenly, she felt a hand shaking her and Dara turned to her hovering mother who looked like she was saying something to her. She couldn't hear it though. Maybe there was something wrong with her ears. So there, Dara just watched her with a dazed look as Sunmi stained her with her tears. 

Again, Dara managed a smile. She closed her eyes because she couldn't take seeing the look of agony on her face anymore. Dara just wanted to be happy.

And with this news, she knew that Sunmi was going to be happy too. 

"I'm pregnant." Dara whispered hoarsely, her smile broadening. "I'm pregnant, omma..." 

When she opened her eyes, the only thing she saw was a horrified look on her face. At that, Dara's smile dimmed and a sudden choked sob consumed her. 

"I'm pregnant..." Dara repeated in a whisper. 

Why aren't you happy?

Soon, they heard the sound of sirens but the two women just stared at each other with tears in their eyes.

"Y-You're pregnant." It sounded more of a question than a statement and the disbelief in her voice made Dara feel more vulnerable. 

She was too weak to smile so she let her eyes do it for her. "I... am..." 

"PARAMEDICS!" A foreign voice suddenly announced and a series of loud footsteps started to reverberate around their house. 

Sunmi gathered her hands and pressed them on her lips as she crumbled in front of her. She cried louder and Dara watched it helplessly. From the corner of her eyes, she could see silhouettes of people starting to surround her. She peered at them to try to get her eyes to focus but her sight was too blinded with tears. 

"I'm pregnant." Dara mumbled. 

Why am I not happy?

—————

Dara felt an electric current run through her spine and it jolted her awake with a sheen of sweat covering her face and neck. Everything felt so foreign to her all of the sudden—the lights, the worried eyes, and even the air made her feel queasy for some reason. It was like she was in an entirely new world... yet everything looked the same.

"Dara."

She didn't know why she flinched at the sound of her name but she looked to her right to see her mother wearing the same strained expression she felt on her face. Sunmi tried to brush Dara's unruly hair but her daughter turned away, showing an unreadable expression.

"Dara." Sunmi begged. "Honey... talk to me, please."

She didn't respond, however. Dara's focus only remained on the wired clip-like device that was attached to her finger. She's never been admitted to the hospital until now. Of course she'd get regular check-ups but this was different. This wasn't planned and it completely disoriented her. Her expression might be blank now but inside, she was feeling all kinds of dread that she's never felt before. Dara felt lost in her own mind and body. 

Out of complete panic and frustration, Sunmi shook her daughter's shoulders to get her to snap out of wherever she was. "They said that you're 4 weeks pregnant, Dara! A month!" her mother cried. "H-How could I not have known? Why did you not tell me? Is it Seunghyun—"

"No." Dara interrupted, voice soft and monotone as she stared off distantly. "It's Jiyong."

Her mother's face completely blanched and she heard a loud clatter but she didn't bother checking. From the sound of her choked and sobbing gasps, Dara knew that it wasn't the news that her mother had hoped and at that, she bowed her head and let her hair hide her from the truth. 

"Dara." She didn't like how she called her name. Sunmi was calling her as if she was a pitiful old dog that was left on the street. Dara snatched her arm away when Sunmi tried to soothe her. 

"T-Tell me..." Sunmi pleaded. 

Her daughter shrugged noncommittally and looked away from her. "Seunghyun broke up with me. I went to Jiyong... drunk. I told him that I loved him. He told me he loved me back. We kissed. We had . I told him I was on the pill but I lied." She then turned to her, eyes cold. "Satisfied?" 

It was quick but she felt it. God, she felt it.

Dara's head moved to side from the blow while her cheek reddened and stung in pain. Next to her, Sunmi was heaving furiously, appalled at her crass tone. 

"Who are you?!" Her mother spat. 

Sunmi clenched her fists at the sight of her daughter curling her lips. Soon after, an incredulous laugh escaped Dara's lips but then it lulled down when she couldn't help the tremble in her voice. Sunmi just watched helplessly as Dara showed her how broken she truly was. She was smiling yet tears were slipping down her cheeks with eyes that masked complete and utter pain. 

"Who... am... I?" she asked herself and turned to her mother with an innocent tilt of the head. "Do you know?" 

Guilt and regret hit her in one move and soon, Sunmi caught Dara in a tight embrace as she quietly apologized in her ear. Dara on the other hand, was still staring off into space, refusing to feel anything more at her already broken state. 

"W-What are we going to do?" Her mother's tears were wetting Dara's face. "Jiyong—"

"No." she gritted. "You're not telling him anything."

"Dara..."

"NO!" She screamed. "P-Please, don't tell him anything." her voice started trembling as she held on her mother's arm desperately. "I c-can't handle any more of this. Please, don't tell him. Please. Please!" 

Dara continued to scream her begging cries for Sunmi's silence while the latter just helplessly watched her daughter go into complete hysteria. Dara's quickly elevating pulse notified the nurse's station and soon, some nurses and her doctor burst inside her room to find her in a fit of agonized tears. 

Sunmi was frozen beside her—frozen at the sight of the screaming girl she believed was her daughter. She watched how the staffs tried to calm Dara down, only to be replied with another agitated shriek and her pleading of not telling Jiyong about her pregnancy. 

When the doctor asked Sunmi if they could administer a sedative on her child, Dara screamed in protest once more and glared at all of them with dangerous eyes. 

"Get away from me!" she hissed. "D-Don't touch my baby! Nobody touches my baby!! GET AWAY!!" 

With Dara's desperate reassurance that she'll behave, the staffs hesitantly left along with Sunmi's quiet order to do so. As the people filed out, Sunmi took Dara's cold, shaking hand while the latter silently lied down and looked towards the dark windows. 

"Please don't tell him..." she begged one last time. 

Sunmi brushed away the strands that fell on her daughter's face as she kissed her temple. "Why?" 

"Because I want him to be happy." 

There she went again with her denial but Dara couldn't handle anymore of the hurt and rejection that she put upon herself. Jiyong left in order to find happiness without her because she only gave him misery. If she announces her pregnancy to him, his move to distance himself away from her would be all for nothing since she was going to tie him down with a responsibility that he hadn't expected or wanted. 

That was what she thought and it hurt her mother deeply.

Dara might not have stated it candidly but Sunmi knew how much Jiyong meant to her. She should've known from the moment Jiyong left without a word that day before he suddenly left for Japan and how she found her daughter crying in the bathroom, that things between them had gone in a deeper level... but they broke. She didn't know how and what broke them but from the looks of it, Dara's constant denial of the truth was the one that cost them their love. 

It was an unconscious thing she always did, Sunmi thought. She'd often find her daughter negating unfavorable situations by changing topics or ignoring it all together—as if nothing ever happened. Dara would often do this when Sunmi tried to talk about her dad or the curse. She would either divert to a new topic or shut her off from her ears and play a ruse of being caught in a daze. 

Dara was a person who couldn't handle overwhelmingly negative things. She might not admit it, but Sunmi knew that she was afraid—afraid of being attached only to lose them in the end. There was a point in her young life that she ignored and acted cold to her mother. It happened the year after her father died and the realization of her curse was slowly sinking in to her. When Sunmi confronted her, Dara—after a long argument against her—confessed that she was afraid to leave her and break her heart like her dad did. 

"It would be better if you just hated me." she told her in a fit of tears. "It'll be easier for you to let me go."

Sunmi had hugged her and reassured her that everything will be alright and that she'll love her no matter what happened. But by the looks of it, Dara didn't take it into heart, and although her relationship with her mother never bordered that same sort of hostility, she always knew when to keep her distance when it came to other people. 

But with Jiyong, she just couldn't. And when the realization of wanting more swarmed through her entire being, Dara let her mind control her from future pain and she pushed him away. 

All because she denied herself of the truth.

All because she was scared of something that might not even happen. 

All because she was afraid to break him when she was gone. 

And now Jiyong was the one that left and she was the one that broke herself. 

"Please don't tell him." Dara murmured drowsily against her mother's shoulder. "Please." 

Sunmi looked at her helplessly and tucked her carefully against her chest as she breathed a trembling sigh. 

"I promise."

She knew that she wasn't a great mother for giving in to her daughter's wishes despite the direness of it all. But she also knew that her unborn grandchild should have a father by their side and she knew full well that Jiyong was that man.  

And because of that, she knew she was going to regret her words since she swore a promise that she'd soon break. 

-a few days later-

The doctor had advised her to take it easy and try to avoid stress since there was spotting when she got admitted that day. They asked her almost pleadingly to eat healthier since tests from back then showed that she was almost in a dangerous zone of malnutrition as well as exhaustion.

Dara wasn't even surprised. She'd always lose her appetite at the waking thought of driving Jiyong away. She also rarely slept because she would visit Jiyong's room every night and the familiar smell of him always made her tense instead of lax. Her mother told her to just sleep in their own house but her stubbornness wouldn't let her. Sleeping in his room made her feel like he was there and with the baby on the way, Dara wanted her child to be familiar with an environment where their father used to be. 

Due to worry, Sunmi urged her to just stay in her room for sleep. She even slept beside her to watch her closely. But Dara would somehow always escape and Sunmi would always find her in Jiyong's house in the mornings. Because of this, Sunmi started to sleep in Jiyong's room too but never on his bed. Instead, she slept on the couch that was thankfully as comfortable—maybe even more comfortable—than her own bed at home. Sunmi would be awake until she saw sleep lull her daughter. 

In this one particular night, Sunmi fell asleep earlier than Dara and the girl was left looking blankly at her phone screen like last time. She typed, erased, typed, and erased the messages that she wanted to send him but a huge part of her kept making her stop and saying that it was a bad idea. 

She was going to tell him. It was a total contradiction from what she pleaded a just few days ago but she was going to tell him. Maybe it was her hormones that made her feel vulnerable to the point of acceptance. Maybe it was her conscious telling her what's right. Or maybe it's just their baby's way of telling her that it wanted a father by messing with her hormones. Well if someone was telling him, then it'd be better if he got it from the woman he knocked-up. 

Dara sighed softly as she soothed the small baby bump on her stomach. She smiled at it faintly before she exited out of her messaging app and looked up at the dark ceiling. She wondered what Jiyong was doing right now and she couldn't help but want to do everything he did with her. But there it was again, that gnawing feeling that she always had with him. 

Maybe this was a bad idea, she thought to herself as she looked at her phone once more. The involuntary jerk of her thumb made her press the wrong app and she found herself opening one of her SNS accounts. She sighed again and shrugged. She might as well distract herself with whatever nonsense was on here. The doctor did warn her against stress and she was definitely stressing out right now. 

A plethora of her friends' pictures greeted her as she scrolled through her feeds. One particular photo made her stop however. It was a picture from Dami and it had Jiyong and another girl with her arm around his shoulder. Jiyong was scowling and glaring at her while the girl (who was about his height) was facing him with the purest look of bliss on her face. 

Curiously, Dara checked out Dami's profile to see if there were more photos of him since Jiyong didn't have an account there and she only found a few... and with the same smiley girl from the first photo. Dara's eyes grew impassive as she finally looked through the mysterious girl's profile. There, she was instantly welcomed by a bunch of photos that had Jiyong in it. Most were candid and taken through polaroids and though some were blurry, she could definitely see the creeping smile on his face... when he looked at the girl. 

This was good, she thought as she put down her phone. Jiyong was happy. If he was with her right now, he'd only be grunting and about how much of a burden she was. What mattered was that he was happy. This was good. This was great. Dara quickly wiped the tears off her face and closed her eyes. These are just hormones... be strong, Dara. Be strong. She opened her eyes to the familiar darkness and unknowingly dialed before bringing the phone to her ear. 

You're going to tell him. Just inform him. He doesn't need to be here if he doesn't want to. Just tell him. Just tell him that—

"The person you have called is not available. Please leave a message or try again later..." 

I broke you.

Dara throat instantly clogged up and when she heard the beep, she blinked and stuttered, forgetting what she was calling for. 

Tell him! TELL HIM!

"Hey, this is Dara..." she started, lips cracking from dryness. Memories of that girl kept invading her mind and she couldn't help but feel herself grow more hopeless at every passing thought of them together. 

Tell him, he deserves to know!

"How are you? ...I'm good. Omma's doing pretty well too..." She was starting to tear up again and she cursed herself for being so sensitive. With another long breath, she continued. "I can only hear how well you're doing through omma and..." 

But he's happy...

"I-I'm glad you're alright." Her smile was genuine despite the tears but she forced her voice to remain calm and soft. "It's so quiet here that sometimes I just make random noises to fill the silence. And frankly, I'm missing your idiocy." 

Her hand rested atop her stomach as the smile slipped away into a resigned expression. 

"I wish you'd come home..." she whispered, eyes dimming. "I miss you, Jiyong. I—"

But she was interrupted by another beep that told her she was over the limit. She let the phone fall to the mattress with a soft thud as she posit