it's been years since Seungcheol been head over heels for Jeonghan, it's not even a secret anymore that Seungcheol been the clingy ‘friend’ to Jeonghan. So if one-night Seungcheol mutters “I love you” before turning his back on the younger to sleep, Jeonghan wouldn’t be so surprised anymore. Just like he always does, Jeonghan just hums in response, but he can’t deny the slight ease every time the older said the three words before going to sleep. 
The morning earlier
Joshua had been sipping his tea with Seungcheol by his side watching everything Jeonghan's doing, Joshua looks at him with an unreadable expression, like waiting for the right time until Minghao left them both alone on the couch, Joshua clear his throat to get the other’s attention. clearly, it didn’t work, he sighed, “Coups?” the called name just hums still looking at the blonde figure who had been feeding Seokmin. “When will you realize that you’re going to get yourself hurt further if you keep on whatever you’re doing with Jeonghan going?” Joshua just straightforwardly asked the older, that, catch Seungcheol’s attention. “What do you mean?” he asked clearly looking at Joshua, “Look, I want you to be happy, you’ve- you’ve been fooling yourself for Jeonghan for years now, I’m both of your best friends, I don’t want to keep your hopes up and then break you when one day you realize things don’t seem like you wanted.” Joshua lecture him, “What I’m trying to say is that, I know you like Jeonghan, but don’t hope much, I’m his best friend too, if he likes you back he would’ve to say it, you know how blunt he is,” right after the words had left the younger’s mouth, it’s like Seungcheol’s life crumbling down in front of his eyes, Seungcheol nodded defeatedly, “Cheol, I want you to be happy, I’m saying this because I can’t watch you fool yourself for someone who can’t appreciate you enough,” He frowned, as much as he loves Jeonghan as his best friend, he also loves Seungcheol, his rock, everyone else’s rock, who's been fooling himself for the younger who only know how to have fun and do not know about commitment, Joshua knows him long enough to understand Jeonghan now, and he knows that he knew Jeonghan doesn’t like Seungcheol like what Seungcheol expected him to. “At some point, I do know that,” Seungcheol start off, “I just like the thought of it you know? It keeps me going,” Joshua stared at the older, “But it’s going to kill you by the end of the day,” he pouted, “Maybe I don’t mind him killing me, Jisoo” Seungcheol insisted, Joshua really don’t know what else he wants or can say after that, “well, then, suit yourself, I’m just trying to help you here, I’m not mad or anything, I just need to say it to you.” Joshua smiles softly. Seungcheol stared at his tea blankly as Joshua left him there, there’s a lot of things been going on in his mind at that time. Maybe Josh’s right, maybe he just has to give it up as it will only further destroy him. but at one point, Jeonghan is his rock too, if everyone else leans on him, he leans on Jeonghan more. he’s not only Seungcheol’s rock but he also the inspiration of most of Seungcheol’s lyrics composition. The older close his eyes tightly at the all things running through his mind. “Hyung! Whats the long face?” Seungkwan all of a sudden sits next to him, “is it Jeonghan Hyung?” Seungkwan said as he getting comfortable next to the oldest, “Are you guys fighting? you seem fine yesterday,” he pouted since Seungcheol ignore him. “I’m fine,” Seungkwan looks at him to really look at him. “liar” he mutters. the elder just laughs, “I swear I’m fine,” Seungkwan just nod and avert his gaze to the tv instead, so Seungcheol left him and think he needs to cool off. He grabs his usual gym back, his phone, wallet, and earphones. 
on the couch Minghao, Jeonghan and Joshua trying to tease Seungkwan for being too focused on the program that he become so silent, ignoring them, Seungcheol just walked past through behind them, noticing the older Joshua stop and asked, “Going somewhere?” by the end of the question, Jeonghan had already stop and turn his attention to the older, “Gym, I need some air,” Seungcheol said without looking back and shut the door closed. noticing the weird tone of his voice, Jeonghan furrowed his eyebrows, “Is he okay?” Jeonghan asked Joshua, “Uhm- I guess so, I mean Hyung been going to gym a lot so, I guess he just needs to have worked out time,” Jeonghan still feel odd by the way Seungcheol acted so unlike Joshua who had already brushed it off, he still looking at the door thinking. 
in the gym like a workaholic he is, Seungcheol starts off slowly with treadmill and do some push ups, sit ups, and last boxing. truthfully, he never really likes boxing but at the moment? he needs to. He thinks again what Joshua said to him earlier, the fact that the reality hit him. Seungcheol feels tired, but he can’t stop punching and kicking the punching bag to let out his stress. He groans and slump down, “I’m ed,” Seungcheol breathlessly laugh at himself. 
In the dorm, everyone’s a sleep, they’ve been doing nothing for the whole day and the tiredness washed over them finally, it's 11 pm and everyone’s had already a sleep except 1, Jeonghan, he still waited for Seungcheol who had not come back from the gym. “it's late already” Jeonghan complained to himself. Mingyu is asleep, Jihoon is also asleep, he keeps on pacing back in their shared room. 
Seungcheol get back a bit late around 12.15 am still sweating, opening the door slowly afraid of waking up the others. seeing the dorm is dead silent he assumed all of them would already be asleep by now so he went straight to his shared room, Jeonghan who hears the foot steps quickly sat up and see Seungcheol walked in with gym bag on his shoulder, he only wore a worn out tank top and his glorious muscled arms still sweaty after an entire night boxing. 
“Where have you been?” Jeonghan asked with a bit of annoyance in it but he tried to suppress it. the older was taken back  by the question and the fact that Jeonghan waited for him, “I needed some air, so I went for a walk and gym” he said softly clearly tired, but Jeonghan still feel annoyed that he’s not really answering his real question, “I didn’t text you because my phone died,” Seungcheol said almost like reading the younger’s mind, “go to sleep, I’ll head to shower,” Jeonghan just nodded dumbfoundedly as laying down he hears the sound of the shower , he lays there for like 15 minutes until Seungcheol walked out of the shower shirtless, his hair still wet and a small towel in his hands trying to dry his wet hair. It's hard not to notice the already muscled body of Seungcheol plus he just got back from working out so the younger can still the even more visible abs and arms muscle, Seungcheol knew that Jeonghan knew he knows that he’s still awake but he let him be. That’s odd, Jeonghan thought. The older would usually come talk to him, whine over his days, or ask for his attention, but this time the other just went straight to his bed with still wet hair. usually, he would neglect him that sleeping with still wet hair can make you dizzy on the next morning but he didn’t have the heart to as the older had already acting strangely. As the older shift on his bed he mutters something under his breathes that eases Jeonghan’s worries about the later, it was a soft “I love you,” and he fell asleep. 
The next morning, today, they have a hectic schedule, practice, radio station, meeting with the production team, and another vocal practice. 
Throughout the day Seungcheol trying to at least get his head on the schedule, pay attention to his surroundings for a bit. Noticing the unusual state Jihoon come near him, “You alright?” Seungcheol who had been dozing off quickly trying to get his composure back and nod, “Yeah” Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows, “You seem fazed hung, are you sick?” The younger suddenly feel worried as he reaches out the back of his palm to touch the older’s forehead and shrugs when the older is indeed not boiling hot. “I’m fine Jihoon-ah” He smiles softly, the other already looking to their direction Jihoon just brush it off. Noticing this too Jeonghan just look at the older from afar with Mingyu by his side. Seungcheol did that again, closed his eyes tightly and sigh deeply. “Hung, are you listening?” Mingyu asked trying to get the older’s attention again. “What?” Jeonghan averts his eyes back to the taller. “Ah, You’re no fun,” Mingyu said as he leaves the older to find Minghao. 
The day went alright, tiring but alright, now they’re back to the studio vocal practice. They got separated into their own units. Seungcheol who had been trying to dodging Jeonghan can finally breathe in relieve. After what Joshua said yesterday, Seungcheol realizes maybe the younger is right, he should get himself a grip and man up by means move on. He’s the rock for everyone else’s and he won’t let an unrequited crush, crush him down. So right now he’s sitting in a studio with Hansol, Wonwoo, and Mingyu who’ve been writing and trying out their raps, but Seungcheol? he just stares blankly at this paper. Noticing this Wonwoo move closer, “Having a writer's block for writing lyrics, Hyung?” He peaked at the blank paper on Seungcheol’s lap. The later just nod, “What’s wrong? Something bugs you?” when the question ended, the other 2 immediately put their papers down and move closer to the two oldest in the unit. “Yeah Hyung, What’s up? You’ve been dozing off all day,” Hansol said. “I’m fine really, I’m just tired you know? I have my worries, and maybe that gets to me,” He lied. “Is it Jeonghan Hyung?” Mingyu asked, Seungcheol just breathes out heavily, “Why’s everyone keeps on referring to Jeonghan every time I’m acting weird? My world doesn’t revolve around him ok,” He said it with a bit of annoyance to hide the pain churn in his chest. The air quickly tense by that, “Well, It’s just that you two been-“ Hansol stop looking for the word to describe the two correctly, “I don’t know honestly, close?” Seungcheol just shrugs it off, “I need some air” as the older leaves the room quickly and goes straight to the rooftop. 
“I’m going to get crazy” Seungcheol breathes out harshly. 
On the other side Jeonghan who had been thinking a lot, which is unusual for him, keep on messing up the practice until Jihoon frustrated. “Hung, do you need a break?” He asked, Jeonghan just stare dumbfoundedly, “Uh- Sure,” so they called it a break and Jeonghan without a second glance storm out looking for the ones who were occupying his head, Seungcheol. barge into the hip hop unit studio he is welcome by only 3 of the members there, “where’s cheol?” He asked breathlessly. “Uhm- He went out, I don’t know too,” Mingyu answered. Without saying thank you or nod the older just close the door and go straight to the performance team practice room, and he’s not there too, Where is he, the thought. Looking for the older for almost an hour Jeonghan gave up and drag himself back to the vocal team studio and there he only sees Joshua and Seokmin playing with their phones, “Where're the others?” Joshua looks up to the older’s voice, “Oh Seungkwan and Vernon went first to eat, Jihoonie went with Seungcheol back to the dorm with the Mingyu and Wonwoo,” Jeonghan feel dumbfounded by that. He’s been looking for the older and it turns out the older just going to leave him like that? Jeonghan feels betrayed. “Let’s go, we were waiting for you,” Seokmin said standing up preparing to leave but Jeonghan had already stormed out of the studio. that astonished the two, “What was that?” Seokmin asked only answered by Joshua’s shrugs. 
Their schedule went like usual, practice, another practice, and shooting, v-lives, and other stuff. It’s been hectic, everyone’s drained from all the schedule. Tonight when the others went straight for their beds no one will ever stop them, everyone collapsing one by one to their respective’s bed and sleep wash over them. how ever there’s this certain someone who can’t just sleep because as he had been noticing that his certain someone been dodging any physical or any interaction with him, no other than Jeonghan who had feel irritated by Seungcheol’s act ignoring for days now. When Jeonghan crawls under his blanket looking at Seungcheol with his nightly routine applying lotion and taking off his shirt before sleeping a bit far next to him ignoring the stare that the younger’s not very subtly bore him with. As Seungcheol tuck in under his blanket he just turns his back from the younger and sleeps, this, somehow pain the younger’s heart, Where’s his "I love you"s before going to sleep. then like flash of memories wash over him, the memory of how the older had changed. Seungcheol no longer cling to him like a lost puppy, he becomes more strict, and serious, there are times he laughs at Mingyu’s or the other hip hop unit’s joke or Seokmin’s, Josh’s, or all of the performance team. then he realized. The older indeed been ignoring him the thought of it hurts Jeonghan even more, why? why would he ignore him? Seungcheol would be the first voice he hears every morning, and the last voice he hears every night, and now? they barely talk to each other. He would still smile at him, sits next to him, but there are not small touches, there’s no more warm palm on his back during dinner after practice, no more teasing the other, or snuggles that he pretends to hate it but low-key loves it. 
It hit him so hard that maybe he realizes his feeling for the older a bit too late, he didn’t even realize when he started to cry, tears falling down his cheeks so softly that he didn’t realize he start to sniffs terribly, he tried to keep down his sob because how pathetic he sounds at the moment and how pathetic he feels at the moment, he’s longing for it now, longing Seungcheol’s arms wrap around his waist, seungcheol’s deep voice muttering “Morning Jeonghannie,” Seungcheol’s tired but soft voice muttering, “I love you” that he knew its real. He began to gasp for air as if all the realization knocked him out of breath, he couldn’t breathe, his hands trembles the blanket that wraps his skinny figure trying to give the same comfort as Seungcheol’s dimple smile every time he laughs, or the same warmth he feels every time Seungcheol had understood what he needs. 
Seungcheol has been ignoring Jeonghan and that was the hardest thing he’d ever done for over 23 years of his life. He loves the man, no matter how long he tried he still loves him deeply, he kind of miss Jeonghan’s evil smile when he had plot something against his other members, he miss Jeonghan’s comforting smile when Seungcheol been worrying too much about everyone else. Tonight he was doing his nightly routine like the past few weeks he still feels Jeonghan’s gaze bore to his side but he still ignores the younger and slip into his bed and turn his back on the younger without saying his usual ‘i love you’s he could not sleep. he keeps on thinking, I miss him, but what’s the point of loving someone who cannot love you back, so he tries to keep his eyes shut. but then sniffles heard, at first he thought someone was just catching a cold, but then it turns to a terrible gaping sob. Seungcheol looks back and sees Jeonghan’s shoulder shaking terribly and that he feels bad, , this ignoring game, as he gets up at lightning speed and approached the younger’s bed. “Jeonghan?” He touches the other’s shoulder softly, “Hey, Whats wrong?” Jeonghan turns around and lets himself bare in front of Seungcheol, his tears still streaming down on his cheeks and snots, yet, he still looks beautiful to Seungcheol. “Y-you hate me,” Jeonghan start off with a breathy voice, “I understand why,” he cries even more. “All these years, you were there for me, and all I ever did ignore you, reject you, I was never there for you-“ he let out a shaky breath couldn’t even continue his sentence. Seungcheol stare at the younger he wants to say to the younger of how much it’s wrong but deep down he knows that this Jeonghan also hurt from it too, then seungcheol shift his sitting position, “Sit up for a bit,” Jeonghan immediately sit up and make himself comfortable in front of Seungcheol. there was a bit of silence over them, then Seungcheol start, “You hurt me, no, I hurt myself actually, It’s been years that I’ve loved you, I do love you, I thought that maybe one day you would return my feelings, I put my hopes high that when the realization hit me, it crushes me to pieces. It’s not your fault that I’m broken, it's mine. I don’t hate you, I could never bring myself to hate you as much as I want to so that it would be easier for me to move on and let you go…” Seungcheol paused, Jeonghan look at him in disbelief, “I- I will let you go, I should’ve to talk to you about it but I’m too much a coward to face you and say, I’m moving on from you,” Seungcheol sighs in defeat. “So stop crying,” He looks up again to an ever more teary Jeonghan, “It pains me when you’re hurt.” he frowns, but the next questions catch him off guard “H-How could you?” Jeonghan asked, “How could you try to move on when I’m here been worried sick about you, what do you mean by not loving you back? of course, I love you, If I don’t I wouldn’t put up with your s, I wouldn’t let you snuggles and cuddles with me, I wouldn’t prioritize you at the dorm, I wouldn’t hug you or comfort you to every worried that you had. I love you so much that I couldn’t bring myself brave enough to say the three words because I’m afraid that the world will take you away from me,” Jeonghan confessed. “I’m sorry, it is my fault Cheol-ah, I was selfish, I keep on rejecting you because I thought by that you would still pursue me, I would have someone there for me, I was selfish, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, baby, I love you I-“ then Jeonghan had his breakdown for the first time in front of Seungcheol, the other just stared at him in shock, “Yo-You do?” Jeonghan just sniffles and nod, what happens next is not what Jeonghan had expected as he found himself in someone’s muscle arms embracing him and hug him. “I love you too, always,” Seungcheol snuggles into Jeonghan’s crook of neck and kisses it softly as if Jeonghan is something so fragile. He never feels so full of life before. The pain in his heart heals, the arms that wrap his body put them together, the small kisses bring color to his life again, the sound of ‘i love you’s from Cheol warmth his entire body. He loves this man, Choi Seungcheol, who has been there for him through it all, and still love him despite he’s the one who broke the later. Jeonghan pull away from the older, and cup his cheeks slowly, “I might hurt your entire being into billion pieces, it might take long but let me pick those shattered billion pieces and pull them together again Cheol, I- I can’t promise you to have the happiest days of your life from now on, but I am more than willing to fix those billion pieces and make you whole again.” He smile, “I love you,” Jeonghan said for he doesn’t know how many times but he’ll make sure to tell that everyday to the older. Seungcheol couldn’t help but tear up again and nod, “I love you Hannie,” he said, as they can finally breathe again. 

Thank You for reading! 

peace out

xxEmmsxx