It’s faded away.

I don’t want to wonder how it ends because then I would have to remember how it’s started as well. I don’t even know if there was, if there ever was it. I have no reason to ask why just as much as I have no idea about what brought you here. After all these times, why me?

But then again, I’m still you.

“How’s life?”

Bitter, I don’t say as I sip my tea. The calming sensation doesn’t happen to me this time when the liquid flows down my throat. There’s a lump there that I wasn’t aware about before…or maybe had gotten used to it. “Good.”

“I saw you on the news yesterday,” you say. You don’t look like someone who just jumped from fashion magazine but I do. I still do.

“Yeah, life,” I shrug. You smile and I wish it’s not the same but it is. It’s one thing about you I can’t really forget. Unfortunately, it’s not the only thing. “How are you, hyung?”

“The usual,” you look away. I wonder what you’re looking at, I want those eyes to be set on me again. “You know.”

I do but I don’t, not really. I’m missing you who would talk to me, who would spill the story for me eventhough I knew bits and pieces about it already. There was magic in your voice, I want to make sure it’s still there, unlike the rest of you.

Or maybe I want to be sure it’s gone as well, so that I have nothing of you.

Anymore.

Your arm around my waist and my hand rested on your shoulder. We’re doing the super lazy waltz I supposed, although the amount of wine in our blood made it seemed nothing like dancing. You’re just slightly taller than I was, I could feel your breath against my ear and the way it made everything else fell silent.

“What are we doing?” you murmured against my cheek. It wasn’t entirely dark outside but it was not so bright in the room we’re in, I wished you couldn’t see the way red made its way on my skin.

“I don’t know,” I didn’t know why I laughed either but I must be doing just that because then I heard you giggling. “I’m usually just drinking by myself.”

“You can’t dance by yourself,” you pulled back a little until we’re staring at each other, still grinning. I wanted to ask if stars just fell and landed in your eyes but it sounded like crappy poetic lines Youngbae–hyung would write in his love letter for his girlfriend so I kept my mouth shut.

“Well, I don’t dance by myself, hyung,” I never forgot the honorifics because I knew how much you liked it. You loved being the big brother among us, you loved being the one someone else could count on to. “I just drink and sleep.”

“All by yourself, what’s the fun?” you sneered and I hit your arm but I laughed too. My limbs were slightly tired but I didn’t want to sit down just yet. Or sleep.

 I’d be dreaming about you anyway.

“What’s fun then?” I asked as if I was curious. I’d never misunderstood the gleam in your eyes, the way your lips curled up when you’re being playful and mischievous.

“This,” your fingers landed on my neck and I slumped forward laughing my whole life until our chests collided and my screams were muffled by your shoulder. My head felt so light I thought my brain must’ve disconnected from its post.

I pulled back as soon as you’re done scuffing me, far enough for me to look at your pale face, still close enough to feel your heat against my skin. I couldn’t blame the alcohol for making my vision blurry ‘til I could see about six or seven of you.