So with Don't Wanna Cry promotions finally coming to an end Seungkwan started distancing himself from everyone. He started staying back at the dorm while the others went out to eat and spending more and more time down in the practice room instead of hanging out with Hoshi or Dk. And the funny thing is no one even noticed. No one questioned Seungkwan behavior. Probably didn't even care.

That is until one night where Seungkwan had dedicated his night to going over every little mistake in the Aju Nice choreography and perfecting it. There suddenly was a knock on the door and a head peeked out through the door.

"Hey, just wanted to check on you. Make sure you're not dead or anything. You've been down here all night." Vernon's voice echoed throughout the room and Seungkwan looked over at him but didn't say anything. Just ran a shaky hand through his blonde pinkish hair and shrugged. The words hurt to be honest because he knew Vernon didn't really care whether or not Seungkwan was alive. In fact, in Seungkwan's mind, Vernon probably wishes he was dead. His life would probably be easier without someone like Seungkwan in it.

"Boo... Uh, are you okay?" Vernon was now making his way into the practice room, shutting the door behind him. He looked at Seungkwan, carefully. Trying to catch his eyes but Seungkwan just looked away. "Of course, I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?" Seungkwan didn't mean for his words to come out so harsh but he couldn't find it in himself to apologize.

"Can you leave, Hansol? I'm trying to get this certain move right. I'll be back up in the dorm in a bit." Seungkwan huffed out, annoyed. He just wanted to be alone, he really didn't want Vernon's fake sympathy right now.

"What do you mean get it right? I watched you do it when we were all in here and you did it perfectly." Vernon looked at him, confused. "Yeah, well our versions of perfect are a little different! Okay?" Seungkwan snapped. His hands clenching into fists. "Well I was trying to be nice, to you but do whatever you want. I don't give a ." Vernon snapped back and stomped out the practice room, slamming the door behind him.

As soon as the door clicked shut Seungkwan felt the wetness on his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away and walked over close to the mirror, all the way until his forehead was pressed up against the glass. "He didn't come down here because he gives a about you, he probably just lost a bet or was forced." Seungkwan whispered to his reflection. "Don't even try to convince yourself that someone like Vernon would take the time out of his day to come see if you were okay." He took one last look in the mirror, taking in all the flaws he has picked out about himself, and sighed. "Worthless." He mumbled before turning away from the mirror. He picked up his bag and decided that he was done for the day and started making his way back to the dorm to sleep.

Seungkwan didn't know what time it was when he woke up but it was still dark outside from what Seungkwan could see out his window. Dokyeom and Joshua were still sound asleep and he grabbed his phone to check the time. 3:05am. Seungkwan sighed, he would have to be up in two hours anyways. He got out of bed and tiptoed out into the living room.

There on the couch sat Vernon, his face was lit up by his laptop screen. Seungkwan was just about to sneak back into his room when Vernon acknowledged him. "Boo? What are you doing up?" He asked quietly. "Just woke up?" Seungkwan stated, unsure. He stayed frozen in his spot, looking down at the dark floor. "Sorry, I'll leave you alone." Seungkwan mumbled quickly, suddenly hit with the overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry. He just turned and rushed back to the room before Vernon could respond. Quickly blinking away his tears and laying down in the bed. Despite that he didn't get another minute of sleep the rest of the night.

At 5 Seungkwan decided to hop in the shower so that he wouldn't be in anyone's way when they finally woke up and quickly washed himself and got ready for the day. When he finished getting dressed he walked out into the kitchen, getting ready to go out on a morning jog but the only person in the kitchen was Joshua and he was always up this early.

"Oh! Seungkwan! Didn't you know today was a free day? You could've slept in today." Joshua informed him when he saw the younger. "That's fine. I'm already up. Off to go jog. See ya." Seungkwan flashed him a fake smile and ran outside.

Six and a half hours later and Seungkwan didn't think he could run anymore, his legs felt numb. After about two hours he went and practiced some more before more before jogging back to the dorm. He made his way into the dorm. His shower from this morning was pretty much pointless considering he was covered in sweat but he just changed out of his gym clothes and he noticed that everyone was gone. Probably off doing something without Seungkwan. He took a banana out of the fruit bowl and sat down at the counter to eat it.

He sat there at the counter for a while until he heard the door open and saw his bandmates pile into the dorm. They were all laughing and smiling until they noticed Seungkwan. Seungcheol was the first to speak up. "Oh Seungkwan! We completely forgot about you when we went out for ice cream. I am so sorry." He exclaimed and only then did he notice the ice creams in Minghao and Jun's hands. Seungkwan just shrugged, trying to seem unfazed. "It's cool. I'm not even hungry. I'm gonna go lay down though, you guys... have fun." He wanted to get out their hair, knowing that him being there was just making their fun go away. He disappeared into his room but not before shooting them all a charming but fake smile.

He laid on the bed, completely emotionless. He had caused this. He doesn't know why he's upset. This is what he wanted. He wanted everyone to be happy. Even if that meant he couldn't be happy. Their happiness was more important to him. He couldn't forget the way their faces drop as soon as they seem. He can't ignore the way the laughter dies down and everyone stops joking around as soon as he enters the room. He can't. He needed to disappear forever. So that they never had to feel like that again. So that they could always be happy. They deserved to be happy. All of them. But not Seungkwan. Seungkwan deserves to feel this suffering, he makes people's mood drop just from existing. What kind of person does that? He feels selfish for existing. Maybe he should just do it. Maybe he should just disappear.

What would everyone think? What would the fans think? What would his mom think?

He wasn't all that important so it probably wouldn't matter all that much. People would be sad for a moment, maybe. But the world would keep spinning. Nothing would change. Because Boo Seungkwan's life isn't important.

The next few days went by and Seungkwan barely even spoke to the other members. Whenever they would ask him questions he would just shrug or nod. He tried to avoid all contact. Thankfully for him, no one noticed. It was like Seungkwan was invisible.

"Seungkwan-ah will you go down to the studio and let Vernom know dinner is done?" Mingyu's voice surprised him so much he jumped a little but stood from his bed and nodded obediently and silently made his way down to the studio where Vernon spent most of his time.

Seungkwan knocked on the door to studio a couple of times and waited for Vernon to answer the door. He could feel himself becoming more and more anxious as each second passed. He could hear shuffling from the other side of the
door and suddenly he was face to face with the blonde haired man.

"Seungkwanie?" He greeted. "Uh, Mingyu-hyung sent me down to tell you food is ready."

Vernon sighed at that and looked back towards his computer. "Tell him, I'm not hungry." He stated with a shrug and started closing the door. "You know, he's just gonna send me back down here or come back down himself. You haven't ate all day and you know how he gets." Seungkwan didn't even realize what he had said until he noticed Vernon stopping his movements on closing the door. This had Seungkwan panicking.

Vernon opened his mouth to speak but Seungkwan beat him to it, "I mean, I'm sorry. I'll go tell him now." Seungkwan immediately gave a 90 degree bow towards Vernon and started speed walking in the direction of the studio's exit.

"Boo, wait!" Vernon called out and Seungkwan started panicking. He was definitely gonna get cursed at. He should've just kept his mouth shut.

But when he turned Vernon didn't look angry, in fact, he even had a smile on his face. "I am a little hungry. Why don't you and I go out and get something?" He offered and Seungkwan stared at him confused.

He wasn't sure if Vernon was serious or just joking around. "But what about Mingyu-hy-?" " Mingyu." Vernon cut him off and Seungkwan just nodded slightly. He didn't really want to. He had actually been trying to avoid eating in general ever since Manager-hyung made a comment about him needing to start out a new diet plan but he couldn't say no to Vernon. Especially if Vernon's being all friendly like this to Seungkwan again.

Vernon and Seungkwan used to be really close but things changed. In fact, in terms of people that Seungkwan disliked in Seventeen, Vernon was now at number two right under Seungcheol.

Vernon led Seungkwan to some restaurant he had never been to. It was a quiet but bright place. Large windows allowing the remaining sunlight to light up the building.

"Do you care if I order for you? I know what's good here and all." Vernon stated with a shrug. Vernon missed Seungkwan a lot. He doesn't even remember why they're friendship disappeared.There were in a booth towards the back of the restaurant. Seungkwan just shrugged and mumbled, "Sure."

Once the food that Vernon ordered came out, Seungkwan could feel himself expanding by just looking down at the food. He picked up his chopsticks and ate some small bites of his rice.

He looked up at Vernon who was shoving food into his face without a care. Seungkwan couldn't help but feel envious of how much he could eat and never gain a pound. His body was so thin and pale, just like how Seungkwan wishes he looked.

"Why don't you hang out with us anymore?" Vernom suddenly asked and Seungkwan almost choked on his rice. "What are you talking about, Hansol?" Seungkwan asked, trying to seem nonchalant. "Oh, please. Don't play dumb. I know you've been avoiding everyone. You hardly ever come out of your room and when you aren't in your room, you're at the dance studio. You've been pretty grumpy and little sketchy around everyone. I mean are you fighting with someone or something? You can tell me, I won't run my mouth, we're still best friends. Right?" Seungkwan felt his jaw go slack as he listened to Vernom. He was so careful about now letting anyone find out.

"Um no, I'm not fighting with anyone. I didn't even realize that I was acting like that. I'm sorry." Seungkwan hung his head down, trying act guilty so Vernon would believe his lie. "You say sorry to much nowadays ." Vernon stated, putting more rice in his mouth. "Uh, okay?" Seungkwan said unsure. He wanted to apologize for saying sorry so much but he didn't.

Seungkwan decided that maybe it is time to tell someone the truth so before Vernon could say anything else Seungkwan blurted out, "I think I wanna quit Seventeen." Seungkwan heard the sound of Vernon's chopsticks hitting his plate and he looked up from the table to see Vernon staring at him like he grew a new head tears forming in his eyes.

"What? Why?" Vernon asked and he looked genuinely concerned but Seungkwan knew he was probably just shocked. "I don't wanna be an idol anymore."

Seungkwan felt like he was going to cry but he held back. It hurt coming up with a half- excuse like that rather than admitting the truth. It hurt knowing that his feelings weren't important enough for him to say aloud. It hurt knowing that this was his last option. He just wanted everyone to be happy. That's all he ever wanted and this was his only option.

"Have you told anyone yet?" Seungkwan shook his head 'no.' "I can't believe you're gonna do this to us." Seungkwan heard the sad tone in his voice and flinched, He didn't want them to be sad. He thought that this was what they wanted.

"We've worked so ing hard these last two years for you to just bail on us. We've always been there for you. We were supposed to be a team. But as always Seungkwan thinks he's to good for everyone." Seungkwan looked up at him, confused and hurt. "Hansol, I-"

"Just whatever, we never ing needed you anyway." Vernon spat tears in his eyes and stood up from his chair and stormed out of the restaurant, leaving Seungkwan to pay for their meals.

-

A few weeks later, everyone knows. Seungkwan had already talked to his manager and set up a court date so that he could get rid of his contract.

Things with his bandmates only got worse. They no longer ignored his presence but now shot him dirty looks and insulted him during vocal practices. The fans online were even worse. Some were sad, some didn't even care, but the ones that got to him were the ones that were happy he was leaving.

"Jesus ing christ, Seungkwan you've been in there for nearly half an hour. Other people need to use the restroom too." Seungkwan looked at his crying face and quickly wiped his tears. He quickly grabbed the pills he needed and slipped out of the bathroom so that Vernon could use it. He kept his head down, not making eye contact so that Vernon couldn't see his crying face. Not that he would care, he would probably just make fun of him and Seungkwan didn't know if he could deal with that.

Vernon just scoffed at him and shook his head. "What the hell were you even doing in there?" Vernon asked him. Seungkwan clutched the medicine bottle behind his back and kept his eyes trained on the floor. "N-nothing. Sorry." He stuttered and went to go make his way out of the dorms. He supposes the practice room would be the safest place to be. When he made it out into the living room Hoshi, Dk, and Dino were all sitting on the couch. When Dino saw him, his smile suddenly dropped and Seungkwan started to make his way to the door when Dino. "Wait." He said and stood from his place on the couch, walking towards Seungkwan. "Where do you think you're going?" He asked, his tone wasn't too harsh but Seungkwan visibly flinched at the sound. "Just out." Seungkwan stammered and turned his back to Dino. Hoshi was also standing next to him now and watching him with curious eyes.

"Um, if anyone asks, but I'm sure they won't just tell them I won't be home for a while." Seungkwan said sadly and slammed the door behind him and started jogging towards the practice room. He kept his mind clear so he wouldn't try to talk himself out of it. This is what had to be done there was no going back.

He grabbed himself a water bottle from the vending machine and sat down in the corner of the room, against the mirrors. He unscrewed the cap of the bottle of sleeping pills and slowly began emptying it, one by one.

-

"Hyung! Seungkwan said he wouldn't be coming back for a while but he's hasn't been home for 2 whole days and I'm worried." Hoshi's voice made Vernon look up from his breakfast. He was talking to Jeonghan. "I think I know where he is." Vernon told them and finished his breakfast so that he could walk down to the dance practice rooms where he knew Seungkwan enjoyed going.

He used his key to unlock the door and saw Seungkwan sitting over in the corner facing the wall. "Boo! Where have you been? People have been worried!" He called out, no response. "Don't ignore me Seungkwan. I know you're mad and all but we still care about you. I care about you." Vernon pleaded but still no response. He walked over to where Seungkwan was and noticed the younger's eyes were closed. He shook his shoulder lightly. "Seungkwan, wake up." He shook him a little harder.

He moved his head down to the boy's lips and noticed that he wasn't breathing. "S-Seungkwan!" And began trying to give the boy CPR. His body was cold and his lips were pale. He was dead.

Tears began streaming down Vernon's face . He placed his forehead down on the older's chest and sobbed. "No, no, no this can't be happening." He yelled into this silence of the room. "Someone help!"

He looked around and saw Seungkwan's phone laying down by a piece of paper, an empty pill bottle, and a water bottle. He grabbed the paper and unfolded the paper.

Dear Seventeen,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you guys unhappy. I'm sorry that my existence was a burden in your life. I'm sorry for being annoying. I'm sorry for not being good enough. You guys deserved better. I hope now you can finally be happy. Please don't ever let me hold you back from doing the things you love. This is for the best. The best for all of us. Stay happy with each other. I love you all. Goodbye.

Vernon ran his fingers over the note. There was more writing. Notes for his mom, notes for the fans. He looked over at Seungkwan and felt himself crying even harder.

He did this because he felt like he wasn't good enough. He thought he made them unhappy. He did this because of them. Vernon could feel himself getting sick to his stomach at the thought.

Seungkwan didn't deserve this. Seungkwan was pure and beautiful. A heart much too large for his body.

If Vernon had known he would have done everything he could to make Seungkwan understand that he was perfect. He made everyone so happy. He was so amazing and he didn't even know it. And now, it's too late.

It's too late for Vernon to tell Seungkwan about how he makes his heart pound whenever their around how whenever he smiles Vernon's whole day gets better. He waited to long to tell him and now it's too late. It's too late to tell him what he always wanted to say.

"I love you." Vernon whispered against his lips. He grabbed for Seungkwan's phone and quickly dialed the police. His entire body was shaking from sobbing so much as he looked at Seungkwan for probably the last time.

He would never be able to see that precious smile again, he would never be able to hear him laugh again, never be able to smell the colonge he wears or hear his sweet voice. He couldn't believe he would never see Seungkwan again. This all felt too surreal. Like this was a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. He couldn't even bare to think about what the others would think. Suddenly he heard the loud sound of an alarm.

It wasn't an ambulance or a police siren but like the sound of an alarm.

-

Vernon shot up from his bed, drenched in sweat. He looked over at his alarm which was blaring throughout his room.

He looked to his right and there his boyfriend of 2 years, Seungkwan was sleeping soundly at his side. It was a dream. A nightmare. But it had felt so real. He whacked the alarm's snooze button and let out a shaky breath. He got back under the covers and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's waist, pulling him close.

"Good morning to you too." Seungkwan mumbled, sleepily. "I love you." Vernon suddenly said and Seungkwan  looked at him a bit shocked. "I love you too, Vernonie. Are you okay? You look startled."

Vernon nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just had a bad dream." Seungkwan pouted at him. "Aww, well I'm here for you." Seungkwan said and gave him a sympathetic smile. The words made Vernon smile.

"I know, baby, please don't ever leave."

And with that he pressed a soft kiss to his lover's lips.