Every step is getting heavier the moment I get closer to the door to the staircase. It didn’t take me to ask around to know his whereabouts. I overheard the nurses talking about the poor guy that has lost his friend of ten years to a hit-and-run is weeping in there. 

It breaks their heart. The deceased was still young, so does his friend. They must have thought that they still had a long time together. Watching each other getting married and growing old together. Might as well marry their kids so they would have a longer friendship and stay close to each other. It might be not forever. At least, longer was what they aimed for. To realize it was actually this short, how dreadful it is for the one who is left behind. Alone.

Their words float around in my mind like a choir of torment.

I remember Seongwoo once asked Daniel, between me and him, who would he save if we were to drown in the sea at the same time? It was just for fun. But I was eager to know his answer. How different were Seongwoo and I to him? Who was more important to him?

It was expected that Daniel stayed silent for a long time. It was hard for him to decide.

“Let’s just die together.” In the end, he received some smacking from us so he could get back to his sense. Amidst the joke, we knew what was true and what was not.

I can’t help but to tear up. There is more to the memories. In their case, one is never better than two. The two childhood friends shared a world that no one else could enter or understand. The pain must be unbearable for Daniel.

But being alone will just double the pain. He would need someone to share the pain with. Someone to hold onto at the moment. Someone to save him from falling into the pit of depression any deeper.

As much as I fear that he would yell at me to disappear from his sight the moment he lands his eyes on me later, I couldn’t win against myself that want to be there for him. I cast aside our bad past which I wish he would do the same and slowly push the door open. As I tell myself to be stronger for him to rely on.

His subtle cries greet me and make my heart drops. My knees immediately go weak. I almost stop breathing at the sight of his back shaking from crying. This is beyond what I have imagined. He looks worse than the night of our break-up. He can’t even lift his head up as he buries his face in his hands. His large frame leans against the wall weakly and it seems like he could collapse at any moment.

I am a bit out of it that the next thing I remember, I call out his name.

His body stiffens at the sudden intrusion.

And when his eyes meet mine, I know it is too late to step back.

 “Jihye…” His voice sounds frail. I believe he doesn’t even have the strength to be surprised or chase me away when he realizes it is really me. The girl who has wronged him and wasted his love.

My stomach churns in a sickly manner as I walk to him with a faint smile. Behind my trembling lips are thousands of words I wanted him to listen to. Especially the part that I am sorry for leaving him. And how much I miss him.

I couldn’t let them out.

This isn’t the right time.

It is really not. Before I could study his face, to know whether my presence there is acceptable or not at the moment, he reaches out for me and pulls me into a hug. The force of his weight makes me falter a step backward but the railing of the stairs keeps me stable.

I freeze on spot. Too startled to react.

I can feel his heavy breathing on my shoulder. And his warmth, it numbs all my senses.

I don’t notice I was holding my breath until I gasp for air. My heart isn’t making anything better as it beats a hundred times faster than before.

What’s with this chaotic feeling?

“Jihye…” He speaks between sobs. “What do I do?”

The reality finally settles down inside my head. I should have hugged him back much earlier. Tighter. Which I do, but a few seconds late.

I pat his back gently so he couldn’t get more broken. As I remind myself that I am there to console him, not to get bothered by my own feelings. I shouldn’t think about myself at all.

Think about Daniel. Just Daniel. It will be all about him.

“We’ll take it from here,” the older lady grasps onto my hand firmly, as if I am the weaker one that is in need of support. I know she is trying to look okay in front of me and the rest. But her eyes couldn’t lie as they resemble those of shattered glasses. Just like the first time I saw her a few days ago as she and the rest of the family members arrived from Los Angeles for the funeral.

Her face is even sagged from exhaustion.

My emotion goes downhill again for the umpteenth time. It pains me to see everyone is struggling. It pains me more that whenever my gaze falls upon her, I see Seongwoo in her. Their identical eyes and fair skin. The way they look out for others before themselves. Only good genes seem to run in the family.

“Tell your friends to go back and get some rest. They look tired. You should go too. You can come back tomorrow morning or whenever you want.”

I shake my head in disagreement. To which she hits me lightly on the arm. “Listen to your elder, would you? I will be at more ease that way.”  

Who am I to keep saying no to her plea? I understand where her concern is coming from.

The boys are working hard since the beginning of the mourning rite. That it worries me too. It feels like they are punishing themselves. They get so skinny in less than two days. They don’t sleep well and their appetite drastically falls.

There are not much guests left in the hall as the day is getting late. But the boys are scattered around. Doing something. Volunteering to refill drinks. Emptying and cleaning the table. Arranging the shoes at the entrance. Wiping the trays and utensils. No one is doing nothing. They force themselves to do something. So they could think less and escape from the ghost of the past.

The same expression is plastered on each of their faces. Like the gloomy grey sky that is about to pour out rain. Everyone could see there is a storm harassing them inside.

I part ways with Seongwoo’s mother after convincing her we would leave soon. The first one I approach is Jisung as he is the eldest and most rational one. He stops doing his work and looks up from the trays to the rest of the boys. It hits him that he has been abandoning them and his own self. He acknowledges the situation with a sigh.

“Let’s go home.”

The words are passed around one to another. Others don’t refute at the order and exit the hall together in a line after wrapping up. I am the last one to come out. I expect them to huddle in front of the building but no, there’s only one person waiting for me. The boys must have hated it to stand in a group and get reminded that one is missing.

“I’ll take you home.” Daniel walks ahead to lead the way before I could have my say.

That is the longest sentence I’ve heard from him these days. The last one is the thanks for the hug at the stairs. And that’s all. We have been avoiding one another since. I wouldn’t if he had not been so quiet. I couldn’t get myself to talk to him. I don’t have the courage to.

The first five minutes of the ride back home is full of silence. It makes me fidgety in my seat.

His eyes are fixed on the road. My feelings are no different than the steering wheel he is holding. Spinning to the left and right under his command. Being this close to him and not talking to each other is nothing less than a torture. It feels worse than the days without seeing him.

I throw my gaze outside the window to the moving scenery. So I could have a peace of mind.

“Should I roll down the window for you?”

His voice that is deep and thick of his hometown accent rings so heavenly. It makes my breath falls short. This whole thing feels so dreamy. Why do I get to be near him again?

Like a fool, I stumble over my words. “What? No—need not—fine—I am.”  

I calm myself down at once and do my part to not let the conversation ends. “You’re okay?”

“I’m exactly what you’re seeing.” He replies.

I feel my heart tightens again. The pain is written all over his face and it doesn’t seem to get lesser with time.

“Your boyfriend is good to you?”

And again, I find it hard to breathe. Why is he doing this to me? To himself? This kind of attention seems unnecessary at the moment. It is never is, regardless the time and place. It doesn't do him any good.

I almost forget that Minhyun went to pay respect the night before despite the facts that I stood him up for our date and the late Seongwoo was a stranger to him. He introduced himself to the guys and even insisted to send me back home right after.  

Minhyun is undeniably a good guy. One in a million. A pearl in the mud.

I could only nod. I couldn’t lie. I couldn’t bring any words out of me either.

“Glad to know that.”

With that, the silence overtakes the rest of the ride. I wish the traffic lights are green all the way back home so I can get home faster. And drown myself in guilt.

a/n : hi dear subscribers! thanks for subscribing. i will try my best not to disappoint you guys with this ff <3