A child's position in the family couldn't be helped and had it's pros and cons.

Being an only child, you could get spoilt or lonely or well-off. You could normally get anything you want depending on your family's finances.
Being the youngest, you could get bossed or bullied around by your elders. You could get left out as you're not 'old enough' or not 'cool'. But you have the upperhand in parent-attention.
Being in the middle, usually kids like that need to find their place in the family to get some credibilty.
And if you were the eldest, responsibilty rest upon your shoulders. You find your parents, especially if strict, mentioning that word throughout your whole life.

My parents were like that. And I was the eldest out of four children in the family.

I described my parents as bombs. Explosives. They could explode over something minor, or major. Sometimes it was something necessary, other times it was just over something utterly ridiculous. I struggled everyday, thinking of numerous possibilities on anything they could find to get mad at me for. I grew up learning that discreetly.

Trying to please them by getting early on time. The world swirled and I was slinging my satchel onto my shoulder, grabbing my large, bulky pencil box. I was set and ready to head to a tuition center. But as the gate was slightly faulty, my mom exploded and gave me a hard lecture on how I was lazy and that the maid was hers and not mine and I should have pushed the gate open instead of her. But it had slipped my mind. I apologized multiple times, trying my hardest to not argue. But in the end, over something small that she was 'stressed' about, I got the rest of the year grounded from hanging out with friends. 

Time-skipped and I saw videos of my friends having fun in videos uploaded online. Then the scene dissapated and-

-Mom was shrieking at me, in an angry pose by the door of my room. I tried to remember what and why.

I thought I was in the car a moment ago. Wait, no. I was online watching a...

And I was forced to run stark nake d around the front of the house. As if suddenly remembering why, my body trembled at the realization. It was due to oversleeping thus not showering early. And as I ran about, my neighbour Eric caught me which scarred me for life. I never faced him for years after that, wondering if he actually saw my bare and matured body. I cried, begging quietly at the door, for my mom to let me in.

The scene swirled and then darkened. And I found myself leaning against a railing of a wooden staircase. It was familiar- and so was the figure towering over me.

My body shook.

My father was a bit more chill on things like that most of the time, but abusive when in a rage. He grabbed my neck, hung it over the railing edge and slapped me multiple times. Or if a nearby chair was in the scene, he would use that. Belts and canes were normally the weapons I greeted horribly. 

I pleaded, saying stuff of a memory that I tried to make sense of. "I'm sorry! Please, dad I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say and do that to her! She just made me mad so I sai-"

"So she annoys you a little and you can call her a thief? Use your ing brain idiot! She is only four! She isn't your daughter so who gave you the ing right to call her that and pinch her?? Don't you know you hurt her a lot she won't calm the down and now I got a bloody headache? And God could make what you called her come true and if He did, then to ing hell with you!" he yelled, his eyes flashing wildly. He hit me again and his fist landed squarely onto my face. I stumbled towards my left and suddenly I was midway on the wooden staircase.

"But she did took my stuff and destroyed it- I'm just sorry, it slipped my min-"

"Bloody hell don't argue with your own father and give bull excuses! That is just a worldly thing and not even ing important crap. I send you to a good, religious school and pay a bloody amount of money for you and this is how you show your worth?? You should be patient with your siblings!! And it's not like you even get top three in class. So the world gives me a bull daughter after all I've done?"

"Dad, ple-"

"Shut the up!! Shut the bloody up and stop bloody arguing with your own father I said!!" he screamed and threw a plastic hurl at me.

It clashed upon my face and I cowered. It stung painfully and something wet oozed down my cheek. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I screamed back, begging to the God I believed in to end this hellish situation.

He thudded down the stairs. and something swung and smacked me."Stop screaming and waking up the neighbours," He said, his voice a few octaves softer but with the same amount of rage in it. A belt... No...

His next few words were just empty noises in my ears. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. My lungs handled each blow with a shudder and I tried to turn in a different direction so at least my back would take the hit. My hair was pulled harshly and I heard my father say "Don't run away!" and my legs were next. A familiar iron smell hit my nose.

My mom watched from above and yelled that I don't deserve to sleep in my own room. The next thing I knew, I was outside and the grill and doors was locked behind me.

It was normal. The norm for me. I knew I wasn't loved as much as the rest. My other family members, like my cousins and even my friends were smarter than my siblings and I. We hardly have anything my parents could be proud of. They weren't wealthy like the people surrounding us and the comparison starts. Everytime compared myself with my siblings I would get held accountable and the torture would start. But my parents took the pleasure in comparing me with anyone.

I slid onto the ground near the shoe rack and listened to the night. I was on the porch, so my parent's car hid me from sight but that didn't end my shame and embarrassment from the world. Something buzzed and bit me. The mosquitoes were alive at this time of the night. Somethings wrong. This isn't right.

Sobbing silently as to not disturb any souls, I swatted and cried a bit more. Crying was the only thing I could ever really do. Pathetic, I thought in frustration.

So I stopped and suddenly I crept forward and as I expected, something was sitting near the rusty gate. His head tilted in question and he padded over rubbing his furry body against me. I d him. It wasn't a surprise. I see him nearly all the time. He was the only friend I confronted to the most.

I felt like I was asleep and I hardly had any control on my body. I spoke words I have already spoke and thought of things I have already thought. "Hey..."

He meowed.

"Yeah. I'm sleeping here for tonight. Mind if I join you...?"

Gentle cocked his head and gazed at the stars, his tongue flicking out now and then. I copied his head movement and thought of how I wish wishing stars were real and if God was ever real, why did he made me into a human. I wished my soul was an animal. I could be free, roaming, carefree and there weren't many responsibilties in life. I then wondered if it was possible for me to actually be successful in life. I vowed that if I did, I wouldn't ever meet my parents and hope that they would regret for whatever they have done to me. I'd send them money and gifts so I wouldn't owe them anything and restart my life somewhere else.

"I would appear on TV and refuse to talk about family in any interviews," I whispered bitterly. "I would have a glorious house and they can never visit me- I'd politely kick them out if they tried. Every blood-related human to me I would push away. I would make them all regret with deep sorrow. Do you think that's wise Gentle?"

He purred and changed his position.

"You'd come too of course. I would love to own cats. My parents wouldn't let me. But my house will be a cat paradise. I think. I would love to own tamed tigers too."

I sighed. A vow is a vow, y/n. And you should keep it.

It wouldn't be that difficult. I still loved them, however weird that might be. Because before they brought more children into the family. It was just me. I also wished desperately that my siblings werent born. They might be young but they were mean, penurious and horrid. They didn't care much for me. Maybe because I distance myself between them, but it was due to how my parent's behaviour too.

Money for them became an issue. Well of course, if you brought along another three hysterical-human beings, financial issues would definitely tag behind. They got stressed and hot-tempered. Gone were the two, gentle beloved beings I had known. Born were their dark side and raged, unstable personalities.

I didn't spout a word about it. I hid it from all my friends. There would be embarrassing situations where they gave me a strange look, asking me to ask my mom as if it was very obvious. Or "How come you didn't get the school message y/n? It's been two weeks." Or "You can't even come to the outing you made?"

They never would understand since they had it all, so I never opened my mouth or myself. Cutting happened and my arms would bleed after Physical Education. Once I nearly got caught and denied anything, saying I must have cut myself somewhere and that it was nothing and painless.

Lie after lie, tears after tears, scars after scars... It appeared to be endless. I wasn't even that attractive back then so I didn't really experienced love much. My best friends were smart though. They would try to catch me on something they stumble upon. But all those walls I've built? It would be for nothing if they found out. I built even more. Harder, faster. "Lol, I'm fine guys. Have you checked out the latest book of Rick Riordan by the way? I borrowed Elaine's copy last week. It was so cool!" I exclaimed.

Yeah. I was also the most cheery out of all of them. The most enthusiastic. The most easily amused. The most incomplete. The most pained. The most closed.

There were times where I was so bloody sick of everything. I gave up on God numerous times and raged to myself whenever I had the chance alone.

I screamed why. I dug a safety pin, knife or blade into my skin welcoming the pain, the blood and scar. I cursed at God and refused to pray. I guess I was pretty horrible to begin with.

The Deja Vu struck my mind and body vigorously and I doubled over, feeling something burning in my throat. But that wasn't the only thing burning. My whole body was heated. Gentle was gone. I was alone.

I looked up and realized I was at the side of the road. Judging by my surroundings, it was still night. This had to be some sort of dream- no nightmare. I couldn't just jump from one place to the other. And that explains why scenes kept changing like lightning.

Mom was in her car. Her feet planted firmly onto the pedal, hands gripping the steering wheel. Veins could be seen protruding from her side temple. "Get out of my life if you don't appreciate me and what I've done for you. Get out of this family. I don't want you and I will forever hate you from the bottom of my heart, mark my words. Don't stay in my house. Don't eat my food. Don't need to go to school. Go find your own way in life. And don't bother to call me mom." And with those dreaded words, I began to shake in fear, clearly troubled. "No! Don't leave me, mother! I swear I won't do it again! I promise so please..." She shook her head and angrily wind up the window. With that, the red car sped off leaving me standing frozen to the spot. My heart thudded and I realized I was at the side of the road. Exposed to the public. People in passing vehicles stared at me, obvious. 

Her words were etched into my mind and I stumbled forward with no where to go in mind. Tears welled up but I bit the insides of my mouth to stop. However, I couldn't move my body after some time. Blood had begun to seep down from my wounds and head. Past scars began to appear, carving onto my skin. Alarmed, I looked briefly around but now the streets were deserted. Relieved, I collapsed and felt my body heat up again. The blood began to boil onto my own skin and I clamped my lips so I wouldn't scream in agony. The streets, shops and lamposts started to disappear, swallowed up by a sudden darkness. The only vibrant colour was a growing, wet puddle that I was lying on. It was my own pool of blood and it was boiling along with my body. I felt like I was enveloped by flames.

The world would have been better without me.

I need a solution.

The world would have been better without me.

To end this pain.

The world would have been better without me.

Death.

My hand suddenly felt heavy and I noticed a bulky object was in the palm of my hand. A loaded gun. I stared at it, unblinking 'till my eyes were watery and eyelids threatened to shut down.

It's just a nightmare. But my body raged on the heat as if it wasn't.

All I need to do is pull the trigger and it'll all end, won't it?

And then with no warning, a warmth enveloped me and it held me tight, spreading a sense of coolness that was overflowing, fighting the fear, the rage, the insecurities. I shuddered in relief wanting more of it. But it wavered and started to slip away.

I cried out, "Don't leave me!"

"I won't," it spoke.

"Don't leave me!" Sobbing with a sense of gratitude, I grasped at the invisible warmth, clinging to it like a drowning human. Was it an imaginary angel? Heck, were they real in nightmares?

"I won't." And it hugged me back.

"Don't leave...please..." My eyelids slipped and I noticed that the warmth was in fact in the shape of a human. But everything blurred and then closed.

"I promise on my life (y/n), I won't ever leave you."

I sighed and the tension in the atmosphere around me relaxed.