“Vernon!” Chan wrapped his arms around Vernon's waist. “I missed you~”

“Yah, this isn’t the time and place for that right now.” Vernon said.

“Don’t act like you don’t like it.” 

“I’m not- I just-” 

Chan leans down, planting a quick peck on Vernon's check.

“Yah!” Vernon grinned, his face turning as bright as a tomato. 

“Can you guys get a room?” Seungcheol barfs. 

“Sorry hyung, I’m just excited to see Vernon!” Chan smiled gleefully. “So Vernon! Tell me, how was your week off? Was the weather in Busan nice?” 

Vernon nods, “Mhm. Look, can we talk later? I should go and check up on Seungkwan.” 

“Oh okay… Sure. We can talk later tonight.” Chan wanted to frown but he hid it under a soft innocent smile. “I’ll just be here recording.” 

Vernon nods and smiles back before leaving and taking a taxi to the dorm. He had missed Seungkwan and more than anything, he was worried. Seungkwan wasn’t the same after the accident that had happened a year ago. He wasn't the sunshine who brought happiness to everyone anymore.

Chan had finally confessed his love for Vernon and though Chan was Vernon's first love, the more time he began to spend with Seungkwan, the more Seungkwan had grew fond of him; and deep, deep down he had hid his feelings for Seungkwan far too long. Perhaps he should confess now? But what good would that do? Vernon was lost and confused. But regardless, he knew he wanted Seungkwan in his life, even if that meant he would only ever be a friend.

It was the last stop of the World tour when Chan decided to pull Vernon aside before their last set, confessing his whole to Vernon and though Vernon thought that that was probably the best day of his life; it was only 30 minutes before the accident had taken place. The best day of Vernon's life, would soon take a turn for the worst.

 

Everyone was on stage, singing, dancing, taking in the energy from the crowd, and for some reason, the stage lift was lowered when Seungkwan had backed right into it. Vernon had turned around just in time to see Vernon back up, he screamed and he tried everything to warn Seungkwan but he was on the other side of the stage, and there wasn’t much he could do as he watched Seungkwan fall 10 feet below.

Seungkwan was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital, but there was nothing the doctors could do. He suffered a fractured spinal cord that left his lower half completely paralyzed and Vernon couldn’t help but feel guilty. If he had yelled louder, if he had seen it sooner, if he had just checked and made sure everything was good before going on stage one last time, perhaps then, Seungkwan would still be able to walk, to smile, to live like a human being again. 

“Kwannie?” Vernon said as he peeked into Seungkwan's room. 

“Hm?” Seungkwan mumbles softly. 

Vernon enters the room that was dimly lited, “Kwannie, it’s me.” 

Seungkwan immediatly opens his eyes at the familiar voice he had missed so much. “Vernonie. Come here,” Seungkwan smiles and opens his arms wide for a hug that Vernon in immediately grants. 

“How are you? You feeling okay?” 

Seungkwan scoffs, “It’s all the same. I wake up, surf the internet, wait for someone to get me out of bed so I can finally take a piss, only to go back in bed again.” 

Vernon frowns, “I’m sorry...”

“What are you sorry for?” Seungkwan Vernon's hand, “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I should’ve been more careful. Don’t worry too much about it.” 

“But hyung, you’re-”

“No more talking about my disability.” Seungkwan cuts Vernon off, “How about we talk about the comeback concert in Hong Kong this weekend? Are you excited?” 

“Uh.. well I mean.. not really..  it’s not the same without you.” 

“Yah. Just because I won’t be able to perform with you guys anymore doesn’t mean squat. Have fun for me.” Seungkwan smiles brightly. 

Vernon smiles back, but he knew deep down Seungkwan was hurting. It was his dream to stand on stage and perform and it had all ended far too soon. “Kwannie?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes Vernonie. I am okay.” Seungkwan squeezes Vernon's hand for reassurance and the fake smile never leaving his face. 

“Do you miss it?”

“Of course I do.. but with hellos, there’s bound to be goodbyes.”

“What do you mean?” Vernon began to worry. He knew Seungkwan was suffering from depression and trying to hide it but he didn’t know what to do.

Seungkwan smiles sadly, “Nothing. I’m just sick of the repeating days. I don’t even know what day of the week it is anymore and sometimes I lay here and think, is this really all there is left to do? Is my life really this useless?” 

“Boo, what do you mean useless? There’s so much to live for! The doctors said in about a month you can start rehabilitation! You can start going out again and seeing the world and-”

“And what? Be pushed around in a wheelchair by you guys for the rest of my life? No thanks.”

“Well there’s still a chance that you can regain movement in your legs and-”

“Yeah like a 1% chance. If anything, I’d rather die than live like that.”

“Kwannie why would you say that.” Vernon teared up. “Maybe you don’t have a reason for living anymore but have you not once thought about the people around you? I’m here for you. Talk to me. Let me know what I need to do to help you.”

“I don’t need your help.”

Vernon noticed Seungkwan's eyes had begun to turn red, filling up with tears. “Kwannie,” he reached to wipe away Seungkwan's. 

“Thanks. But really, I’m okay.”

“Boo-”

“You should probably go get some rest. You leave for Hong Kong early tomorrow..”

“But I want to be with you.”

Seungkwan closes his eyes, “Just leave.” 

“But-”

“Leave. Please.”

Vernon obeyed, leaving Seungkwan's room feeling exhausted. Why does Seungkwan lately shut him out. He was ready to confess and hold Seungkwan tightly. He wanted to sleep by his side, to hold him and make all the pain go away. But he chickened out. “God damn it.” Vernon sighed before kicking a kitchen stool as he made his way to his room. “I don’t even want to go to Hong Kong.” he said to himself as he plop down on his bed. “I don’t wanna go if Seungkwan won’t be there. We’re not Seventeen without him.” Vernon yawns once more before finally falling asleep. 

It was 5am when he woke up to Chan shifting around in his bed, “Awake?” Vernon whispered. 

“Yeah.. we have like an hour to get ready.” 

“I’ll use the bathroom first then,” Vernon tries to get up. 

“Mmm.. stay. You’re warm.” Chan pulls Vernon in closer.

“We only have an hour to get ready,” Vernon laughs. “Maybe some other time.”

“Mmmm fine.” Chan pouted, letting go of Vernon.

After Vernon was done getting ready, he checked in on Seungkwan one last time before he left. Peeping into Seungkwan's room, he saw that he had already woken up. 

“Oh? Boo? You’re awake so early today?”

“Yeah.. I was hoping you’d pop in.”

“Oh?”

“Um.. sorry about last night. The blood pressure pills makes me kind of moody sometimes..”

“Kwannie, you don’t have to apologize..” Vernon shyly averts his eyes to the ground.

“No but I just wanted to make sure you have a good time in Hong Kong.” Seungkwan smiles. “Make sure to jump and go crazy on stage for me, i’ll be watching so don’t you disappoint me okay?” 

Vernon laughs, “I’ll try my best!”

Seungkwan laughs, “Good. Come here,” he reaches his hand out to Vernon. “Touch me, make me feel real again.”

“Vernon let’s go!” Seungcheol yelled over Seungkwan's words so Vernon didn't hear what he had said. 

“Oh Seungcheol hyung is calling for me, I should probably get going! But what were you saying?”

“Nothing. Have fun,” Seungkwan smiles brightly and retracts his hand.

Vernon frowns missing the warmth on his hand, “I’ll see you soon! I’ll bring back your favorite dumplings!” 

Seungkwan nods with a soft smile. “Go~ You’re holding everyone back.” 

“Okay! I’ll call you when I land!” Vernon yells as he shuts the door behind him. 

Seungkwan let’s out the air he’s been holding in, “Guys.. Vernon-ah.. I’m sorry for being selfish.” He whispers to himself before picking up his phone to dial his parents. “Mom? I’m ready.” 

-2 days later-

“Kwannie!” Vernon busts in Seungkwan's room with the dumplings he had promised to bring back, only to find it empty and dark. “Boo?” 

Vernon runs back into the living room scared and worried, “Guys! Seungkwan is missing!”

“What?” Dokyeom stops eating his portion of dumplings. “Where could he possibly go?” 

Vernon calls Seungkwan but his phone was turned off, “Guys.. I’m really worried. We talked the night before we all left for Hong Kong and he seemed really out of it.” 

“What do you mean?” Minghao stood up worried.

“He was just talking about goodbyes and I don’t-” Vernon choked. “He wouldn’t right? There’s no way he’d go through with it right?”

Jeonghan looked down at the floor. 

“Guys. Say something,” Vernon pleaded. “He wouldn’t right? I know he’s mention it before but that was when his depression was really bad. Guys-”

“Vernon..” Joshua hugged him.

“No.. No! Tell me that I’m right! Why are you hugging me!” Vernon screamed. “Let go!”

Hoshi and Dokyeom looked at each other in shock, not believing what they had just heard. “Wait. Hyung.. is Seungkwan really..” Hoshi started breaking down. 

Jihoon grabs Hoshi's hand comforting him, “I’m sorry you had to find out this way.” 

Wonwoo stood there emotionless, not sure of what to do with the information he had just processed. Seungkwan was gone. He really went through with it and Mingyu couldn’t understand how or why but he immediatly snaps out of his thoughts when he noticed Vernon's knees had buckled. “Vernon!” Seungcheol rushed over catching him. “Are you okay?” 

“Kwannie-” Vernon cried. “He said he would be here-” 

Seungcheol started crying with Vernon, he was still in shock from the news of Seungkwan actually going through with the euthanasia and seeing how broken Vernon was didn’t help him at all. He didn’t know how to help else Vernon's pain so he held him until his arms cramped and Vernon's loud cries turned into soft muffles.

About 2 weeks passed when Seungkwan's mom finally paid a visit. Vernon had wanted to question her, he wanted to ask so many things such as, how she could agree to let Seungkwan do it. It was practically murder. He could never forgive her but in the end, he did. He sat there quietly and mourned with her and when she finally started leaving, she had handed him a letter. 

“My son.. he wanted me to give you this.” 

Vernon stared at the letter, not moving a single muscle. 

“You don’t have to take it if you don’t want..”

“No, it’s fine. Thank you.” Vernon grabs the letter with shaky hands. 

He puts it in his drawer unopened. He didn’t have the courage to read it. He had finally got his emotions controlled again, and reading the letter would be like taking 1 step forward only to take 9 steps back. 

“You should read it,” Chan cuddled Vernon in bed. 

“No. I’m going to bed.” 

“But he wrote it just for you..” Chan said. “The least you can do for him is read it.” 

“Why are you so ing annoying tonight?” Vernon snapped. 

Chan frowned. “Fine. If you want to be that way.” He gets up and leaves Vernon's room.

“Chan-” Vernon sighed.

Vernon layed in bed, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. His mind was running, and eventually his curiosity got the better of him. He found himself opening the letter up at 3 in the morning. 

Taking a deep breath, he unfolded the delicate piece of paper which caused a small silver ring to fall out. “ Seungkwan's favorite ring..” Vernon said softly as he picked it up. 

‘If you’re reading this, I guess it’s too late to say that I am so truly sorry. I am sorry for putting you through this pain. I’m sorry that I am a selfish bastard and I couldn’t just it up and live. Every living breathing moment was hell for me. Watching you guys make music, perform onstage, eat and laugh so happily without a worry in the world. It was hard, I was envious. I would scream in frustration but only the empty cold air would answer me. I was always alone in this damn room; which was understandable, you guys still had a life to live while as I don’t. I felt so useless. There were times I wanted to reach out to you guys, to you, because I was truly lonely but I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. And I know you’re probably reading this with guilt and regrets but Vernonie, don’t. Don’t be upset. This is truly what I wanted, and I want you to be happy for me. I wanted to die with dignity and I know it’s hard to accept but please, live brightly for me. Smile, laugh, see the world. As I spent my times in this room, I wondered, what we could have been if I had just confessed to you sooner? I’m sorry that I am weak and couldn’t even say this to your face. That I have to confess to you now, through this letter. My head was constantly filled with thoughts of you, your face, the sound of your laughter. It made me want to become happier again, to try harder. But I was far too weak, I couldn’t overcome the battle and in the end, it has come to this. But our time spent together is the most precious to me, you’re my everything. Hansol, I love you. I love you so very much. Thank you for being you, and thank you for being in my life :) .’

“Ya! Vernon! Hurry up! We gotta get on stage!” Jeonghan yelled. 

“Alright! I’m coming! Gimme a second!” Vernon yelled back. 

Vernon quickly puts on all his rings before heading over to where the boys were. 

“You good?” Joshua asked.

“Yeah. Let’s have a good show boys.” Vernon smiles. 

As the lift begins to rise, and the roaring sounds of fans screaming became louder, Vernon closed his eyes, praying, “Seungkwan. We’re performing at the Seoul Olympic Stadium again.. You’re watching us from above right? I promise to have fun, I promise to live brightly. So this isn’t goodbye."

"It's till we meet again," He smiled and looked up to the sky remembering the boy he loves and wishes to be with.