It’s funny when I thought I was the only one who felt comfortable around him, but he did feel the same thing too. We didn’t say anything at all. I became silent when he called me on the phone, as I knew it was going to end. My eyes became teary but I held it pretty well, and I made sure he didn’t notice anything.

“We…” – His voice hesitated as I closed my eyes – “Do you think we should continue?”

He changed that to a question, when it was supposed to be just a conclusion. I wonder how was he going to answer that question if I was the one asking.

“You should know, right?” – I sarcastically said because I was feeling pathetic.

Was I… supposed to save this relationship?

“Alright. Let’s end here.” – That was the last thing he said.

We ended like that. I can’t say how much painful it is, but it felt like a part of you had gone and you just let it go because you know it’s helpless even if you try. Then, you cry out of your heart and it still hurts as the first time it happens. I’m not too sure why I didn’t hold him back, maybe just because my ego is too big, or maybe just because I feel like even if I hold him back, thing won’t be the same anymore. I wonder why love is always so much painful in the end, and I realize that every start has an end for each self. So that’s how the world works after all. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.

I wish there’s something that lasts forever. But that’s ridiculous. Nothing lasts forever.

The tour is perfectly done. And it’s finally over. What I am excited about right now is I will have my own time, which soon I realize that I hate it because the solidarity has again covered me with its heaviness. The fact that I always think I don’t need anyone is such a big excuse because I always need to be around people despite I don’t look involved in groups. Maybe, I want the heavy air of people being around me, because when I’m on my own, it tries to kill me with its dead silence. They say people with pain cannot be left alone, and maybe I just hate being lonely from the bottom of my heart. Maybe that’s why I try to look for something else, or someone else who can fill up my vacancy, but it’s never been easy just to meet someone and realize that she’s the one.

What funny is that I just stop contacting that girl and I’m even frustrated at myself. It felt like I was toying her, but she was kinda… serious about our thing. I made an excuse that something about guilt told me to quit treating her like that, but the truth is maybe I just got bored. I’m laid back these days. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t feel like meeting people around. That’s so absurd when I said I hated loneliness but right now, I just want to be alone. Jeju-do is always something like that, the atmosphere in this place makes people want to… just stay right there and… enjoy it. It felt almost like my second-home, and it used to be the place… for us. Yeah, us. Or should I call, something-used-to-be-us. Because it’s gone. That ‘something’ is gone. There’s nothing called ‘us’ anymore. We are… no longer ‘us’ anymore. And it still hurts, somehow.

Maybe that’s why I just want to be alone and I don’t need someone else. Because I feel like, if it was for someone else to stay here with me, it should be only her.

So ‘us’ could be just ‘us’.

But what funnier is that I start to think of Jieun more lately. I can’t figure out why but I just do. Maybe that girl is just there, in my mind, in some perspective, she’s just there. And when something bothers me, maybe she’s something of an option that I can think of.

Maybe she’s a helper.

What I really feel relieved is that even if my heart is really not feeling well but I still do a very good job on filming and… hiding my emotions. I’m proud to say that I have techniques to do such things like that, faking things and pretending like nothing. Maybe I learn it through the old hard days. And when I come back home, things just change dramatically, all of my emotions. There’s something I’m missing, and I know what it is, but maybe it’s too late, and maybe it’s just all my fault.

I’m lying on my bed, trying to remember his voice in the last time. But that last sentence is something I try to forget instead. That’s irony. Is it pointless to forget something you want to remember, right?

When I reach my diary to write down things I have to let go of in my mind, a small sound of my phone rings. It really stings my heart.

I don’t grab my phone near me these days, you know why? Because I’m afraid that I might expect something from him. I’m afraid that I might check every minute to see if he’s online or not. I’m afraid that I might just text him. I’m afraid that I might just call him and tell him that I’m sorry and then mess things up again. And when the sound goes on again, it’s already overwhelming my heart. I don’t want to check it, but somehow I do. I half-expect that it’s him, but half-reassure that it’s not going to be him. And what’s going to happen if it’s him or not? I wish I can stop my heart from feeling this way.

I know. It’s not going to be him. It’s not him. But…

Kwon Jiyong: Hey Jieun

Kwon Jiyong: How are you?

I’m… somehow, not surprised anymore.

Cause, it looks like these days this person always shows up at the right time. The time when I feel like I need to talk to someone. And there he is.

Jieun: Hello Jiyong oppa

Jieun: I’m just okay

Jieun: Oppa?

Okay? That sounds weird. She never uses something like that.

Kwon Jiyong: Just okay?

Kwon Jiyong: Are you sure?

Jieun: Oh

Jieun: I don’t know

I guess something is wrong. This kid is in a bad mood. Am I just bothering her now?

Kwon Jiyong: Do you want to be alone right now?

Kwon Jiyong: You don’t seem like talking

Kwon Jiyong: Maybe we should talk another time

Jieun: No it’s alright oppa

Jieun: I’m just…

Jieun: What are you doing right now oppa?

Kwon Jiyong: Me?

Kwon Jiyong: Just… lying on my bed

Kwon Jiyong: Why…?

She’s being weird. Something must be wrong. And when I’m still busy thinking of what to tell, she already hit me in the face with four words.

Jieun: Can I call you?

I know I’m acting weird. But, I just feel like he’s someone that I can trust. I feel like he’s not going to judge me. He already did that. And I feel like he’s someone that is willing to listen to my story.

“Hello.” – That’s super strange to have him calling me first when I was the first one to ask if I could call him.

“Hey.” – His voice somehow sounds just the same as usual, and I just realize that I’ve never really noticed his voice before until now.

“Oppa… where are you right now?” – I suddenly felt really bad, for making such a big deal of this – “Are you busy?”

I hear a small chuckle after that. Did I say something unnecessary?

“I’m at Jeju-do.” – That’s a short answer for my questions, to be honest.

“Oh. Are you there working? Perhaps photoshoot?”

“Actually, I’m hiding from people these days.” – It comes after another grin.

“Why?” – That surprises me, when he’s always in public and I thought he enjoys that.

“It’s tired to stay in center, kid.” – He sounds boastful for a second – “Sometimes, you should need time on your own.”

“Ah…” – That’s the only thing I could say.

And I just can’t say anything more when I was the one to ask him for a call. And when we’re not speaking, I feel like I can hear his breathes through the line covered by the silence between us. That’s… awkward. Why doesn’t he say something? Maybe he’s waiting for me to say something first.

She definitely needs time to think what’s she going to say. I know, so I’m just going to wait. I wonder what kind of things that had happened to make her become bothering like that. Is it her relationship? No, it can’t be. She sounded happy the last time when we talked about that, didn’t she? But, to be honest, it’s hard to make a judgement about that when I’m not actually that close to her. Wait, I should not judge her. I’m not even in a right position to judge someone else, right?

“Jiyong oppa…”

“We… broke up.”

I think she cries, but she tries to hold it back. And you know what, it when you’re supposed to cry but you have to hold it back. It really .

“Just cry, Jieun ah…” – I stop to listen to her – “I know…”

He knows? Ah, he must know. Didn’t he just end a dramatic relationship with some famous model? He should know how this thing felt like.

When I hear her cry, I almost see myself in her. Maybe we’re too alike, or just maybe we’re all broken. Somehow, a strange feeling just grows over me when I hear she cries.

Maybe, just maybe, she sounds like someone who needs helps.

Somehow, just somehow, I feel like I should help her.

GUESS WHAT IU IS COMING BACK WITH ANOTHER ALBUM AND I ALREADY DIED OF HAPPINESS (AND CAME BACK TO LIFE) LOL

I'M SO HAPPY THAT SHE'S SHOOOOOOOOO SWEET TO WORK ON A NEW PROJECT AS A GIFT TO HER FAN (SHE'S SHOOOOOOO CUTE OMG I LOVE HER SM ㅠ ㅠ)

ANW GUYS IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO UPDATE AS REGULAR AS BEFORE BECAUSE OF SCHOOL BUT I'LL TRY MY BEST

LOVE U ALL XOXO