Time surely flies fast. It’s almost the end of the tour and we right now are preparing for the final concert in Seoul. It’s been a while to meet our first loveable people again, to communicate in the language that I spend my whole life to listen to. To be honest, it’s been exhausted for us, but we had so much fun. I used to wish all of the schedule to go by fast but right now I feel a little bit sad when everything had already been done. But, it’s going to be a busy year for us too, since it’s soon to be our 10-year anniversary. The number somehow scares me out, maybe because it’s too perfect to become too… I don’t know… too vicious? Anything perfect always gives me the goosebumps, like it could be a knife behind my back that stabs me whenever it wants. Believe me, I know these kinds of thing well enough to know. It when you think it’s already settled down but it just bites the hell out of you all of a sudden.

I start to think that maybe temporary could be a better option, or a solution, or the final answer to people like me. I don’t seek for ever-lasting s anymore. Cause anyway, it never exists.

Jieun: I’m not going unnie. I’m sorry.

I send a short text to Inna and throw the phone away, not minding how she will react to that because I’m too tired to even think about it. It was just another fight, but not just a simple fight, it was like a serious fight. We fought more often lately, which makes me start to think if we’re still going strong or not. I still think we are, but I wonder if he is. Or at least, I’m trying to act like we are.

We used to sit down and talk ourselves out but I think we don’t use this strategy anymore. Maybe it wasn’t him? Maybe it was me? I could not stand the way he said things about me like I should stop caring about people too much, like I should stop talking to some people whom he thinks are wasting my time, like he wanted to control my life. We used to talk about things that we like together, even if it was not the same thing, we still talked. I used to let him control me, even if sometimes it still bothered me. But right now, I don’t think I want to hear about things that he mentions, and so does he. I wonder if we are going wrong. Sometimes, I feel like being in relationship is like being on drugs; it makes people become so fascinated in their worlds and after that it eventually kills people with its overwhelming.

Maybe we should take a break? Maybe I should need time on my own.

BIGBANG Kwon Jiyong: Hey guys

BIGBANG Kwon Jiyong: Do we still have some tickets left?

BIGBANG Kwon Jiyong: I need to give to some people

BIGBANG Lee Seunghyun: Hyung yuyu (cry)

BIGBANG Lee Seunghyun: Me too hyung

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: Who needs the ticket?

BIGBANG Choi Seunghyun: Hey me too

BIGBANG Choi Seunghyun: I actually need 5 right now

DS: kkkkkkk

DS: Look at everyone finding the tickets

DS: I’m afraid there’s not many left

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: I think so

BIGBANG Choi Seunghyun: Alright

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: Seungri Jiyong how many do you guys need?

BIGBANG Kwon Jiyong: Really?

BIGBANG Lee Seunghyun: 7 or 8 !!!

BIGBANG Kwon Jiyong: Then nevermind

BIGBANG Lee Seunghyun: Please hyung can we make some more for guests only?

BIGBANG Kwon Jiyong: I don’t know

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: I guess no Ri ah

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: Wait

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: I just met Inna noona

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: She reserved the tickets but I think she doesn’t go anymore

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: Maybe there’s still 2 or 3

BIGBANG Lee Seunghyun: Really?????

BIGBANG Lee Seunghyun: Can you ask?

BIGBANG Lee Seunghyun: Should I contact her manager?

BIGBANG Dong Youngbae: There you go

Yoo Inna noona? She’s always been to our concert anyway. I wonder why doesn’t she go this time. Maybe her companion doesn’t go so she just doesn’t want to go alone. Wait, isn’t it Jieun? Doesn’t she always go with Jieun? They’re close anyway. And… I somehow remember some photos showing Jieun going with Inna noona in our other concert, but I’m not really sure. Well, it might be another person. What am I expecting anyway? Jieun is probably too busy right now, filming and… dating?

This is the worst idea that I’ve ever thought of in my entire life, pretending like nothing is wrong and still spending time with him at his place. Throughout the time, I’d felt so uncomfortable around Kiha. Looking at him sometimes makes me wonder if this guy was the same guy that I used to fall head over heels in the past. What is wrong with me? I feel so bad right now, but being around him with this feeling ain’t right either. I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel his love anymore. All I could feel was two awkward people trying to fix things which were way too expired. Maybe, we went wrong and we didn’t care. We thought we were still on the right track, or maybe we tried to deny our paths.

When I kissed him goodbye, I couldn’t feel anything but… guilt. It’s no longer two people falling in love. As I go back inside my house, tears start to fall. It’s not the feeling of being abandoned, but the feeling of not loving him anymore. I wonder if people have ever been tired of love, because I thought that if you really love someone, you will just love them day by day.

“You guys should stop.” – Inna looks at me, the eyes I haven’t seen for a while.

I nod. Then I shake my head. It feels like there are two people inside of me, an angel and a demon? I feel bad but clinging on a relationship like this is never a good choice either.

“Tell him as soon as possible, Jieun ah.” – Inna continues when she lets out a sigh.

“Tell what?” – I lean back on the sofa with no energy.

“What you think. What you feel.” – Inna pauses for a while – “And end it if you feel like you can’t continue.”

Being in this kind of situation is something I really hate. Because most of the time when I’m with Inna, she’s always the one who’s crying. But right now, I look like an idiot with full of tears when Inna hugs me tight. Who says that only people remained are struggling, because it’s also not too easy for people who tried to leave either. Who says goodbye is good when there’s no goodbye with happiness anyway.

I know she’s friend with her. I’m not trying to take her back. But it doesn’t mean I cannot go further with this girl, right? She’s interested in me, so why not? I need no pressure, so why can’t I hang around people who are interested in me?

She’s beautiful. She seems… nice? Maybe the choice is not too bad. Maybe I need someone to fill in my solitude. Maybe she can. So why not?

Youngbae might frown over this at first, but he finally gives in.

“Fine Jiyong, as long as you’re happy.” – That sentence ends all the arguments that we had previously.

I suppose I’m happy. But who cares if I am? I wonder if she cares. I wonder if she ever gets the idea of what all of this means to be.

But the thing is, I don’t give my heart to her. I don’t think I should. I couldn’t. My heart isn’t there, actually. I hide it somewhere else. So, maybe she doesn’t give me her heart too. We, somehow, are just playing with our feelings. She knows, and I know. We both know. And she’s fine with that. So, why not?

“So basically you’re saying you’re not friends with her, but you’re not lovers either?” – Seungri makes an ugly face when there’s only five of us after she’s gone. “So what the heck are you guys then? Friends with benefits?”

“Are you crazy?” – Daesung hit Seungri’s shoulder when my eyes glare at him.

“Jiyong ah. He’s drunk. Just don’t mind him.” – Youngbae touches me, as if he knows me enough that I could make a big fuss about this.

“I’m not drunk, hyung you know that?” – Seungri still mumbles while Daesung tries to shut him up.

“What’s the deal anyway?” – I speak calmly – “Even if it’s friends with benefits? You know these things too well, don’t you?”

“You’re not someone who does things this way, hyung. Are you…” – Seungri seems hesitate and I wonder why – “trying to use her?”

I hate people who act like they know me much. And when they really get what’s in me, it irritates me even more. Things Seungri said somehow is what I hate the most, right now. When things were said and I cannot either accept or deny it, I hate it the most.

“Whatever.” – I don’t want to talk about it anymore, and Seungri should know it by how my voice was.

“Alright.” – At least, he knows his brother well enough.

“But hyung… If you ever want to consider a serious relationship… I think you should meet a girl who can balance your savage. Someone who’s a little shy and conservative but she enjoy things in her own world.”

When I close my eyes and replay that sentence at the same time, the girl whom I suppose I’m happy with is not there. It’s someone else, as if she’s been there for a while waiting for the right time to appear.

“Lee Jieun?”