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She met him at a party during her first year of university.

It was a house party hosted by the upper years of a society club she was a part of. It was, apparently, tradition for the upper years to rent a house after the final exam period of the first term so people could get to know each other before the winter break. She had brought Changkyun along with her because her floormates already had other plans.

He had approached her first when she was sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. She had a plastic water bottle in her hand and was on a lemon slice that Changkyun had given her before he was dragged off by a girl with a thick accent and long hair.

She barely even remembered how he had introduced himself but she remembered he sat down beside her and they began talking. She found it surprisingly easy to open up to someone after she had some alcohol in her system.

Even through her drunken haze, she was able to retain bits and pieces of their conversation. She remembered him telling her that he was a fourth-year student studying graphic design.

And unfortunately for her, she remembered the part where she had asked him about his piercings and then proceeded to tell him how hot he looked.

She remembered them sitting beside each other when someone suggested that they all sit around in a circle and play a few rounds of some card game she had already forgotten the name of. At one point, she had lost once again and he took the vodka shot for her instead.

She remembered how much that small action had warmed her chest that night and made her feel bubbly inside.

When she realized she had too much alcohol in her system, she had gotten up after the round was over and darted for the washroom.

She didn’t notice he had followed after her until she was in the middle of spewing everything from her stomach and he had taken ahold of her long hair so that it wouldn’t get in the way. He had even handed her tissues to wipe .

She was too drunk to feel embarrassed that the guy she was intrigued by had just witnessed her puking into the toilet bowl.

She also remembered he had helped her find a seat out on the patio and she had sat there, breathing in the cool breeze of the night air. The two of them sat there together, with her head on his shoulder, talking about anything and everything for a long time.

She also remembered how he had asked for her phone and at first, she thought it was to get her number. He had laughed saying that it was his intention but he also wanted to make sure she had someone take her home because he had to leave the party early.

It wasn’t until she was walking back towards her dormitory with Changkyun did she sober up enough to remember everything that happened. She remembered the shocked look on her friend’s face when she crouched over on the sidewalk, clutching at her hair.

“Oh, me.”

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He had contacted her first and he did so a week into their winter break asking if she had any plans during their time away from school.

She remembered how confused she was as to who the number was but when she saw the display name ‘Hot Upper Year’, she banged her forehead against her desk until she heard her mom ask why she was making so much noise.

He had asked her out on many occasions but because she wasn’t too sure if she was interested in getting into a relationship with him, she had also rejected him on many occasions. It wasn’t until Changkyun told her to “give the poor guy a chance” did she finally agree to a lunch date.

They officially began dating after a few more dates and she found herself spending time with him everyday. If she wasn’t out with her floormates or with Changkyun, she was with him.

At first, she was scared how attached she seemed to be to this guy. A simple text from him got her smiling to herself during a lecture and a call from him made her want to run across the university campus to see him sooner.

Some days, as she remembered, it felt as if she just couldn’t wait to get out of class so she could hang out with him. If their schedules didn’t line up, he would make time to see her- even if it was to just sit and study in each other’s presence.

She often found herself thinking about him during her classes and it made it even worse because he was such a smooth talker.

Her floormates, after she brought him back to her room, were outright surprised by his appearance. She remembered how they had pulled her into their room after he left that night and asked whether or not her boyfriend was part of a gang.

Changkyun had always told her that ‘bad boys’ seemed to be her type and now that she was dating him, she realized her friend might just be right. He also said that he looked like a street thug but she thought he looked good dressed in ripped skinny jeans and a leather jacket.

He had an eyebrow piercing on the right and his ears were lined with piercings. His left arm was covered in tattoos from the wrist to his chest (which she had asked him to show her). His fashion sense seemed to only consist of the words ‘ripped’ and ‘black’.

She was also secretly glad he wasn’t the type to smoke because no matter how cool the movies portrayed it as, she couldn’t stand the smell of cigarettes.

She remembered how happy she was when he would come pick her up after her classes in his car. There was something about the way her floormates envied the fact that she had a man with a car that made her smile sometimes.

They spent most of their nights during their first year of nighting sitting in his car. They would either be cruising down the roads and listening to music on blast or they would be parked out in a parking lot, enjoying each other’s company.

Through those nightly talks, she found out a lot about him. Such as the fact that he was only completing his degree for his grandparents or that his dream was to become a tattoo artist. She also found out that he had tattoos in places that he said he regretted because he got them while intoxicated. He said he would show her some other day because if someone were to walk by and see them, they would get the wrong idea.

To this day, she still had no idea where his other tattoos were but she could definitely imagine it.

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After their first year of dating, she had begun to understand just how much of a smooth talker he was.

He had graduated and was now working at the tattoo parlour that he spent a year of internship practice at. He worked there during the morning and sometimes, he would have to stay late into the night because the tattoo took longer than expected.

She was in her third year at university and she spent a lot of her time sitting on the couch in the back of the shop, sneaking glances at him through the tinted window.

She couldn’t even begin to count the number of hours she would spend staring at his face as he kept his focus solely on the client.

She admired the way he was so passionate about his craft. She remembered him telling her that he wanted to create art for someone and that they would feel confident enough in his skill to wear it on their skin forever.

Although, he had turned her down every time she asked him to design a tattoo for her and everytime she asked him for the reason, he told her that there was no amount of designing he could put into a tattoo to describe what she meant to him.

She gave up.

As she watched him work with clients on a daily basis, she noticed how easy it was for him to get someone to open up to him. Even the toughest-looking guys cracked under his words and would talk to him as if they had known each other for years.

And as much as she hated the fact that the female customers would stare and flirt with him, she had to applaud him for being able to turn down their advances so easily.

He had a special gift. He was good with people.

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During their second year of dating, she noticed that he had begun to talk more about himself in their conversations. He told her that even though he seemed like an outgoing person that could talk to anybody about his worries and problems, he had troubles doing so.

Sure, he had talked to her about an irritating customer at work and vented to her about having some drunk guy scratch the side of his car but he never touched on the heavier topics.

She had always thought he was either a man free of worries or he really hated talking about his personal problems. That is also why she had respected his privacy and never probed on about it.

She remembered how thankful she was when he had begun spilling his heart out to her after they had a few drinks back at her apartment.

She remembered how shocked she was when he told her that he had no father figure growing up. His parents had him at a young age and due to the difference in opinion about keeping the baby, they had separated. His mother had raised him single-handedly for nine years before she found the stress too much to bear on her own and left him all-too-soon.

From then, he had been living with his grandparents. He explained how he always had a rocky relationship with them because they blamed him for the death of their daughter. They had always kicked him out when he came back because they saw him with no goal in life and knew he would not amount to anything in the real world.

He explained to her that he always hated school because he felt as though even his teachers didn’t believe in him. It wasn’t until he finally got accepted into university did he feel proud of himself.

When she had asked him how he dealt with all this on his shoulders, he told her that was why he went to parties so often. He could have fun, drink, and forget about all his worries.

She remembered how much her heart had torn in half and all she could do that night was pull him into her arms and let him cry his heart out.

It was at that moment did she truly understand how strong the man in front of her was. To have everyone else around you tell you that you can’t make it and to constantly live with the idea that you are alone to fend for yourself is something she could have never imagined.

He was stronger than she could ever be as a human being and it only made her admire him even more.

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After they hit their three-year mark, things began to settle down.

She was busy preparing for graduation and was worrying about which jobs to apply for post-graduation. He had picked up a night job working as a bartender because his friend couldn’t find a substitute worker with enough knowledge about mixing drinks.

Still, they managed to send at least a text or make a quick phone call to one another during the busy days.

Built up with stress of her graduation in a few months, she found herself out drinking and partying with her friends more than she had ever. It was also partly because she wanted to see all the people from her year a few more times before everyone finished their degree and went on with their own lives.

She remembered she had gotten drunk one night at the club and after puking everything from her system onto the side of the road, a few guys had come out to flirt with her.

She managed to blow them off when she hid herself in the washroom but the thought that they might still be out there waiting for her freaked her out. She ended up messaging the contacts she had on her phone, trying to get Changkyun to pick her up.

She remembered how frightened she was when she heard her name being called and when the door to the bathroom stall opened, her jaw dropped seeing the light sheen of sweat on his face.

She had sat in his car in silence as he drove her home. She had looked over at his face a few times throughout the ride and she had never seen him so angry before.

He told her, cutting through the silence, that he had never dropped what he was doing and drove so fast in his life before.

It wasn’t until she had opened the door to get out did he pull her back and kiss her senseless. It was at that moment did she realize how much she had worried him.

It was also at that moment did she find herself falling for him all over again because she knew just how much he loved and cared for her in return.

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Some time before their four-year mark, things began to go downhill.

The months leading up to her graduation itself was a blur. She was busy attending lectures and studying for her exams that she barely had time to socialize with anybody.

It was also during that time did they begin to lose contact with one another because the both of them were so busy. It was hard to find the time or energy in their day to call one another and after a month or two, the messages stopped between each other.

Of course, she felt lonely without him for the time being but she figured he was busy managing two jobs and she didn’t want to make him worry about her.

As the time got nearer to her graduation, she remembered how she had called him to tell him how excited she was. Even though she was sent to voicemail, she still left him messages about the graduation day and reminded him of the time.

He had replied to her a few days later, which she had brushed off because she was happy enough she got a reply from him. He had promised her that he would clear his schedule to come see her graduation ceremony. He even promised he would bring her peonies because she told him that roses were overrated.

Yet, here she was, taking pictures with her friends and family and her boyfriend was nowhere to be seen.

She had never felt so disappointed in him until this moment.

She remembered how her friend had asked her why she was crying and though her parents and friends thought it was out of happiness, it was because she was so confused and upset.

She remembered that she had gone to his shop the next day only to find out from the owner that he had stopped working there a few days ago. When she contacted his friend, he told her that he hadn’t been able to get in contact with him either.

She also visited his roommates but they all told her that he ended his lease two weeks ago and had moved everything out.

No matter how busy their lives got, they used to be able to talk to each other about everything. It didn’t dawn on her until now that they hadn’t been doing so for the past few months. Any replies they exchanged were short-lived and she had barely heard his voice at all.

She had gone home that night, worn-out and tired from searching for him. She remembered she sprawled herself across her bed and cried.

A lot.

At first, she blamed herself for not contacting him and reaching out to him more but she was so caught up in the idea that she might be bothering him instead. She remembered she had stayed up that night reading through their text messages to see if there was a definite point in which she could pinpoint where it went wrong.

Many of her nights were spent as such. She would come home from work exhausted but when she lay down onto her bed and was finally alone with her own thoughts, the tears began to fall.

Now that she had graduated and was working as a photographer and doing writing jobs on the side, she barely had time for herself and her friends. Yet, she found her thoughts drifting to him once every single day.

Never in her life had she been so confused and lost about something that she couldn’t even explain it to someone. Changkyun wasn’t even able to cheer her up and after a while, she just stopped trying to talk to people about it.

How was she supposed to explain to someone how confused she was that the man she had been seeing for three years disappeared from her life?

She didn’t even have the contacts of anybody else in his life because he kept his friend group small and even then, the ones she was able to get a hold of told her that they had no contact with him either.

The more she was left with her own thoughts, the more she began to hate herself and doubt everything that they had been through. She hated the fact that she was so easily shaken by him and that she was so blind to fall for him so deeply because for him, it didn’t seem to matter much.

She remembered how she had made the mistake of checking his social media pages again and when she saw the words ‘DEACTIVATED’, she couldn’t even begin to explain the shaking feeling of loss that spread through her.

The second mistake she made that night was opening up their text messages.
 

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