Jinyoung slumped back to his chair, sighing deeply. He closed his eyes, gently massaging the bridge of his nose to ease the exhaustion away. He had been staring at the screen of his laptop for hours, and his body felt stiff and sore after sitting for as long. Thanks to an author kept pushing back the deadline while he had to present the book in next day meeting, he had to pull overtimes the past three days editing and revising the manuscript. It was nothing unusual, really. He was just feeling moody, so he felt more drained than other days.

The office was already deserted with him as the only exception, and it was darker than usual since only a few lights was on. The hollowness crept into him, making him felt even more depressed. He truly loved his job. He had always loved book, he loved being involved in the process of making it, he could meet many authors he admired. His company was well known, his co-worker was nice, and the pay was good. He felt proud of every book he produced, although it pained him to see the unsold books shredded into mere pieces of paper. Although it could be stressful, he felt it worth his while. However, at the end of the day, he couldn't help feeling desolated because the silence he heard when he was alone was suffocating.

He glanced at the clock. He was completely focused on what he was doing he didn't realize how late it already was. Deciding to take a break, he plugged an earphone to his phone and the radio. If his memory wasn't wrong, the last part of Jaebum's broadcast would be only just started by then. At first there was only a woman singing cheerfully for an advertisement, and only after the program's theme song was played did Jaebum's soft voice filled the room.

“This is part four of Moonlight Sky Radio with your host Jaebum."

Jinyoung felt the tip of his mouth twitched, a little bit satisfied because his guess was right. He might have only been a loyal listener for less than two months, but he was pretty confident in his guess.

"Tonight, if you look up at the sky, you'll find a lonely moon shining in the middle of the dark. Even a small star would be a great companion, like someone you barely know. As other nights, I will try to bright up your night so our listeners won't fall asleep feeling like the moon.”

Jinyoung did feel a bit better already, like an invisible rope that had been constricting his chest was loosen up a little. Maybe it was because he didn't have to bear with the silence anymore.

“Now, it's time to read the messages. Earlier, I asked 'when do you feel most lonely at night?'. 8634-nim says, 'when I eat dinner alone'. 4467-nim says it's when she works overtime for a week straight. Please be careful of your health, don’t forget to eat and dress warmly when you come out. 2675-nim says it's when she comes home tired to a dark, empty room. 1145-nim says it's when she stares at her phone before sleeping just to realize there's no one who would send good night messages anymore. Ah, it must be hard. There's no separation that's not painful, but somehow we keep falling in love, just like a cycle that never breaks.”

Right, just like Jinyoung's ex. He was someone from an EO company he worked with for a book concert. It was the first big project he was given since he was accepted into the job. The thing he liked about having a lover was that he had someone supporting him in whatever he did, comforting him when he was down and tired, and he could share his happiness with. That person gave him that, so Jinyoung loved him with all his heart. It was the longest he had been in relationship, and he thought he had find the one at last. But in the end he was still left alone for someone else, who would receive that support, comfort, and happiness instead of him. And he just had to witness that earlier in an event he attended, tearing his heart all over again while the wound hadn't even perfectly healed yet. He tried blocking the memory by focusing on what Jaebum said.

“Love is like radio waves. We search for a frequency that matches us, trying to connect our waves so we can transmit signals to each other. However, we often find our wavelengths slowly shifts, and the noise it causes got louder it's deafening until the waves are severed. It's finally silent again, yet the ringing and the pain inside would linger for some time before it finally fades. But with time it will become a beautiful song that makes you felt nostalgic whenever you heard it, and you'll find yourself smiling.”

Jinyoung chuckled. Jaebum had been someone poetic, he always had his way with words. Back when they were still together, Jinyoung often found his lyrics cheesy, but ended up loving it after he sang it. The fact that he was laughing at the memory was proof that Jaebum was right, so he was sure he was going to be fine. Just not the time yet.

“For 1145-nim, and others who experiences similar thing, this song is for you. Hope it can make you feel better and sleep soundly tonight. Wind, Where Is It Blowing From by Lucid Free.”

The first strumming of guitar accompanied by a warm, mellow voice caressed his ears, followed by sad melody that somehow made him wanted to cry, yet weirdly soothed his heart at the same time. It felt like the singer was telling the world the pain he couldn't express in his place, and the song was letting out everything he had been keeping inside. By the time the song ended, the pain was still there, but it was easier to breathe. He really owed Jaebum this one.

He sat straight again, determined to finish the manuscript since he already felt better. He turned off the radio so he could focus on the job in hand. But before he got stuck in oceans of letters, he took his phone to write a short message to Jaebum. When he finally finished, the reply was already in, and he laughed.

You're paying so I need to choose well kk

Samgyeopsal

Buy me samgyeopsal Jinyoungie~

 

--

 

Jinyoung felt like his lifetime had been reduced by five years in the span of two days with how much he was sighing. He stared at his feet taking step after step on the paving stones, cooped up in his thought that he almost missed his destination. He looked up, waiting for the traffic light to turn green.

He could already see Jaebum in the coffee shop they agreed on, sitting by the window with bowed head. Only after he crossed the road he was able to see the small book he was writing on. He almost forgot that Jaebum was born left-handed since he always ate with his right hand, and they had only been meeting for meals. He chuckled recalling how they used that fact to sneakily hold hands while studying together with others at the library. Somehow after meeting Jaebum again, he kept remembering his high school days, clearer than ever. He even recognized the face Jaebum was making, knitted eyebrow and pouting lips. It was his "lyric-making" face.

Jaebum smiled as he noticed him, bright enough he couldn't help but did the same. He went in and sat beside the other, startling him by stealing his notebook and reading the jumbled words scribbled on the page.

“Stop it,” Jaebum groaned as he snatched it back, “it makes me cringe.”

“You’re the one who comes up with it though.”

“They go well with music, but just reading it like that makes it sounds too cheesy.”

Jinyoung laughed, as apparently Jaebum had been having the same thought as him. He took a sip from Jaebum's glass. Even though they only met again about a month ago, the awkwardness quickly dissipated between them. Since they were friends before becoming lovers, and the time that had passed was so long, it was easy for them to be comfortable with each other again. It made him glad because it showed that no matter how much they had matured, they basically never changed. "Are you making a new song? Who is it for?"

Jaebum avoided his eyes, which makes him even more curious as the tip of his ear was also reddened, which he was pretty sure not caused by cold temperature since although it was evening, it was almost summer. He whined, bugging the other to tell him until he finally gave up.

"Okay, alright, it's for my own album. Satisfied now?"

Jinyoung's eyes widened as his jaw dropped. "Your album?"

Jaebum nodded. "Well, it's a dream of mine. I've been making songs trying to suit the singer, but someday I want to produce an album consisted of the songs I want to make. I will be the one picking singers to sing my song, not them picking my song. It will be about my songs, not a singer or group. I've been making and storing them while honing my skill all this time, waiting for the best to came out because I want it to be perfect." He acted cool, but Jinyoung knew he was only covering his shyness. However, nothing could hide the spark in his eyes as he talked about his dream.

"Enough about me. What about you? How's the project you told me about?"

The change of topic brought him back to the hassle that had been bugging him for the past two days. He held back the sigh he almost automatically released and shrugged instead. "My superior likes it, so everything went smoothly. It's great."

Jaebum stared at him in silence, as if observing him. It somehow made him nervous, that he took Jaebum's drink again just for the sake of doing something. He choked in surprise when Jaebum suddenly slapped his back.

"I've decided!" Jaebum yelled, as if he had came up the most brilliant idea in the world and was proud of being such a genius, while Jinyoung was in a hell of coughing fit.

"Of what?" Jinyoung asked hoarsely when he finally calmed down.

"Ugh, do you really have to spit my coffee like that? Disgusting, now I can't drink it anymore," Jaebum grimaced. Ignoring Jinyoung's deathly glare, he continued. "Anyway, I've decided. We won't be eating samgyeopsal. It's gonna be seafood night! Let's go!"

Jinyoung could only gaped at the other as he was pulled by his wrist out of the building.

 

--

 

"Aah, I'm so hungry," Jaebum whined, “Aren’t they ready yet?”

"Who told you to abduct me with my own car and end up two hours away from Seoul just for seafood?," Jinyoung scowled as he flipped the shellfish on the grill, “just wait. You brought this upon yourself.”

"But isn't this place great? It served the best seafood and the air is nice. Doesn't it remind you of our hometown?," Jaebum grinned. Well, Jinyoung had to agree on that. The unique fresh, salty smell of the sea brought by the wind and the whisper of shattering waves from far away were daily occurrences he had been missing since he moved to Seoul. It felt so nice to be honest, but Jinyoung would never Jaebum that.

Some shellfish finally split open at the same time their sashimi arrived, which turned their eyes into ones of hungry carnivore, especially Jaebum. He was the kind who preferred to eat big in one bite, so he made a wrap bigger than his fist and stuffed it into his mouth. He often amazed Jinyoung with how much he could store in his cheek pouches.

"How could you be so elastic?" Jinyoung asked, pulling the already stretched cheek between his thumb and his finger. Jaebum glared at him as expected, which wasn't threatening at all when his cheek was bulging like a hamster. He could not even say anything since his mouth was filled to the brim. There was no way Jinyoung would let the chance to tease Jaebum without him talking back passed by, so he kept on pinching the patch of skin and letting it go. He, however, forgot that Jaebum was still able to retaliate. He quickly mumbled his indigestible apology from his jutted out lips as his own cheeks was squeezed together between Jaebum's palms.

"You're so violent," Jinyoung grumbled, massaging his cheeks.

"You reap what you sow, Jinyoung." The assailant smirked smugly as he made another wrap with the last shellfish meat, smaller than the ones before, and held it out to him, "here, a peace treaty."

"Fine," Jinyoung said surly, taking the wrap into his mouth.

"By the way, I've been meaning to ask you, in what occasion are you treating me?," Jaebum asked curiously.

"Just because," he shrugged, "we're done, right? I'll go and pay."

He went to the cashier while Jaebum waited for him outside. They walked to the parking area near the beach, where his car was parked. He had been indulging himself in Jaebum's company that the thought of going back to his empty apartment depressed him. He would get caught in his thought again if he was alone, and he hated that. But he couldn't selfishly asked Jaebum to keep him company either, that would be way too shameless of him.

Suddenly an arm was crossed in front him, startling him when he was about to open the driver door. He looked at the owner of that arm, who was grinning loudly as he stared at him confusedly. "What? Do you want to drive again?," he asked.

Jaebum only smiled as he opened the back door, taking a plastic bag from the seat. Something made a clunk inside the bag as it dangled from his hand. "Let's drink the night away!"

Jinyoung was dumbfounded as he finally figured out what the other had bought earlier at the rest area. "What, here?"

"No, there," Jaebum said, pointing at the beach.

"If we both drink, who would drive?"

"We could just sleep in the car and go back to Seoul in the morning."

Jinyoung gave the other a look. "You're crazy."

"Come on, we're both off tomorrow and we've come all the way here. We shall enjoy this a little bit more. Let's go!"

Jinyoung was dragged away from the car, still in disbelief. It wasn't that he dislike the idea though, so he didn't resist at all. They sat on the carpet of sand, paying no mind on their dirtied clothes. The breeze was refreshingly cold, but the canned beer Jaebum bought warmed him up. The sea goddess breathed her aria, filling the silence with her melody. There was no one, no building in sight, enhancing the mystical vibe emitted by the beach. There was merely darkness in sight, swallowing the border where the sea ended and the sky started. It was only broken by the shimmering path drawn on the rippling canvas by the moon, and a clutch of stars blinking at the earth, elated to have came out from their hiding.

"The moon isn't lonely anymore, huh?" Jinyoung said.

"What do you mean?" Jaebum asked, knitting his eyebrows.

"Your broadcast three days ago."

"Ah, that," Jaebum nodded, finally understanding, "so you listened to it? I thought you were having busy having overtime."

"I did when I took a short break. I really like what you said back then."

"Which part?"

"The radio waves thing."

"Let me guess," Jaebum said, staring at him, "the ringing hasn't ended yet?"

Jinyoung laughed half-heartedly. "I could never hide anything from you, huh? Are you an esper?"

"Well, doesn't need to be an esper to know with how much you were sighing on the way here," Jaebum smiled, and said, "wanna tell me about it?"

"No way I'm gonna rant about my ex-boyfriend to another ex."

"It's okay if you don't want to. But you really have to let it out, you know, even if it's not to me. The longer you let it take root inside you the more it would affect your life, and you'll only hurt yourself more."

Jinyoung shook his head. "Why do you always say the right thing?"

"Because it needs to be said," he shrugged.

Jinyoung sighed as he looked up at the sky. "It's nothing, really, just the usual breakup. My lover left me for someone else, that's it. It's not even something that only just happened, it was four months ago."

"Does he cheat on you?"

Jinyoung shook his head harder. "No, of course not. He's a kind, soft-hearted person. He cried and apologized over and over again when he told me he loved someone else. He tried to stay with me, devoting himself to me more and avoiding that person, but he couldn't. It was something he didn't have a control over. If he had forced himself to keep our relationship going, it would only hurt us both. I know he was as hurt as I am by our separation because he felt so guilty, I can still see it in his eyes whenever we cross path."

Initially, he had wanted to stop there. But he didn't know if it was the booze or just the piled up misery he couldn't bear anymore, it just kept pouring out of his mouth.

"I happened to saw them a few days ago. A group of people who was supposed to attend the book concert suddenly couldn't come, so they need people to fill the seat. The editor in charge is my friend, so I came when he called me. But I didn't know my ex was the organizer, and he didn't know I'd come either, so he called his new lover," Jinyoung downed his beer then, needing something to numb the agonizing ache in his heart at the memory.

"Watching them together, I still felt hurt and jealous. But seeing him distancing himself from the other as he noticed me made me guilty for feeling that way. It upset me because made me feel my feelings an obstacle to his happiness. But it's also unfair at the same time, why do I have to feel guilty when it's my right to feel that way? I'm the one being left here," the force of surging feelings as he spilled his heart out made him choked in his tears. He emptied his drink again, hoping it would stop him from crying, from talking, from hurting. But no, it only made the anguish inside him swollen and burst him up.

"Then I started to think that maybe it was all my fault. Maybe I wasn't a good enough person for him to love. Maybe if I was a better person, he wouldn't fall in love in someone else and have to feel guilty for his happiness. It was all because I am me, that his heart could easily move to someone else."

It was so painful, hating his own self when it was all he had. He opened another can, then another, and maybe another one, he couldn't remember. He sobbed, he bawled, while also blubbering incoherently. A hand pushed his head gently to a broad shoulder, where he poured his tears soaking the layers of clothes under. The same hand his back, as the owner kept on whispering "it will be alright" like a chant, which followed him to his dream in the form of twinkling light that floated beside him in the dark.

 

--

 

♪ Each word you say, each laugh

They have such big meanings to me

Even your smallest glances

Even your lonely back is a difficult promise to me

All of you comes to me

As an unsolvable riddle

Sadness blooms as cosmos flowers at the train station

You're the aromatic scent that blows by

I will build a castle on top of the fluffy clouds

I'll open my windows toward you, the windy windows ♪

 

A sweet, tender voice slowly seeped into Jinyoung's consciousness as he was slowly awoken. It sounded a bit familiar yet his fuzzy mind failed to match the voice with a face. He blinked his eyes open upon the realization that he was in a sitting position, leaning on a hard shoulder. He jerked away from the other to find Jaebum's surprised face melted into a smile.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?"

Bits and pieces from earlier started coming back to him and he wanted to dig a hole to bury himself, remembering how he bawled his eyes out in front of him. "Um, no. Have you been awake the whole time? Sorry, I must be heavy."

"It's okay, I just finished a deadline, so I spent all day sleeping before meeting you." Jinyoung glanced at the cans stacked beside Jaebum, which consisted mainly of beers, which must have been his, and two coffees. He tried racking his incomplete memory and realized he didn't see Jaebum drinking beer at all. "What about you? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a few can of beer won't bring me hangover."

"A strong drinker, aren't you?," Jaebum chuckled, reaching for a bottle of water. "Here, drink some."

"Thanks." Jinyoung gulped down the water, relieved as it chased away the parchedness from his throat. Then in the midst of the darkness, his eyes caught a glow of rose bloomed from the horizon. They watched the sun softly kissed the blushing sky good morning, descending slowly as it stretched out its ray to embrace the world. It was a sight he had witnessed a number of times, yet it was still as breathtaking as his first.

"Jinyoung."

"Hm?"

"It's not your fault, you know."

Only then he turn his attention to Jaebum, who was looking straight into his eyes, firm and gentle at the same time.

"There's nothing wrong with you, nor you did wrong. It was just how it meant to be. At least that's how I feel. I liked you because you were you, I never wanted you any other way. Even now, I'm glad that the one I loved was you. I'm sure the reason he feels guilty is because he thought the same. You gave him happiness, that's why he beat himself up even more, as he paid you back with pain. Because you're such a wonderful person that he wanted to love you. It's just that he's not your fated person, and no one could fight destiny."

He thought his tears had already dried up after all that crying, but he still felt its warmth trickling down his cheek. Jaebum covered his hand with his, offering another source of warmth along with the support and comfort he didn't knew he needed so much.

"That's why, you can take however long you need to heal your heart, and when you're ready, show him that you're happy. Instead of feeling guilty, respect his decision to wait until the moment when you can both can be happy. That's the only thing you can do for him, and for yourself too, for only then you can find love again. You deserve that happiness, Jinyoung, don't rip that from yourself. There will definitely someone waiting to stay with you forever, I believe that. You just need to find them, just like they will be searching for you."

With every words Jaebum said, it felt like the darkness latching onto his heart disappeared little by little. Maybe they were merely something said out of kindness to comfort him, but the sincerity woven into them made him wanted to believe. That he wasn't at fault. That there was happiness at the end of the road. His mouth was pursed into a smile as he lightly hitting Jaebum's shoulder.

"Who told you to go around making people cry, huh? You're such a bad person."

"My line of work required me to understand the best ways of moving people's heart, nothing I can do about it. Anyway, let's go home quickly. You really look like a mess, and you stink."

Jinyoung only pouted, having no way to refute that. He reeked of booze, and his face must be swollen from crying and drinking. Not to mention his nest hair which became worse as Jaebum messed with it. And Jaebum had the guts to laugh when he swatted his arm away before he stood up and offered his hand.

"Come on, I'll drive."

Jinyoung accepted the hand, and they gathered their trash before walking to his car. He stopped Jaebum in the middle though, gaining a confused look from the other.

"Thank you, Jaebum. I really mean that," he said sincerely. Jaebum smiled, patting his shoulder gently.

"Anytime."

 

________________________________________________

Finally a new chapter after so long! I actually didn't intend to continue this, but suddenly I got the urge and BAM the new chapter is here. Hence sorry for the long gap ;D Hope you enjoy this!

Song: Sanullim - The Meaning of You