Qian looked at her in shock and horror, frozen to the ground; unable to move. Her eyes slid over her friend's body, helpless on the floor, leaning against the wall, with blood running down her arm where the cuts had penetrated her skin. Amber just stared back at her with a sad, pitying gaze, knowing that the other woman was currently beating herself up for not realizing earlier that there was something wrong with her; for failing her job as a protector of the group whilst in fact, it hadn’t been her fault at all. One of her members had been suffering underneath her nose and she hadn't known.
Amber saw how the shock made place for a hardness that she knew Qian could, and would, only direct at herself. Amber knew her leader enough to know that she would be consumed by guilt at the end of the day. When she would lay in bed, all she would think about how stupid she had been for not seeing that Amber had been suffering in silence all along.
"How long?" was all she asked. Amber answered her like she answered a trivia question: 7 months of depression, a few weeks since she had fallen back into her old habits.
Qian did not ask anything after that. It was peculiar: the other woman usually wanted to know everything. Amber did not view it as weakness, though. Some would try to avoid the subject because they preferred not to think about the demons that haunted her. Qian, Amber knew, was not afraid. She would look her demons right in the eye and scare them off with one single glance if she could. Instead, it felt like respect. The silence was Qian's way of expressing that she would never understand what was going on inside her head. She wasn't uncomfortable talking about it but she would just never get it and wasn't afraid to admit so.
And Amber was glad she didn't need to talk. It was embarrassing enough that she was caught.
Instead, Qian turned around and walked away, leaving Amber confused and miserable on the ground. She heard the tap run and within a few minutes, she was back holding a small bucket of lukewarm water and one of Amber's soft towels thrown over her shoulder. f(x)'s leader sat down next to Amber and gently dipped the tip of the towel in the water. She wrapped her long, thin fingers around Amber's wrist and pulled her wounded arm towards her.
“This will sting,” she said before she mercilessly placed the damp towel on the hurt skin. Amber let a hiss escape between her teeth and threw her head back in pain.
The pain faded into a soft stinging as Qian started to clean her arm. The water in the bucket turned red of her blood but in the end, her wounds were clean and she dried them caringly. Qian's fingers were soft and pleasant on her sensitive skin when she bound her up.

When she was done, Amber looked up with a pitying smile. Qian met her gaze with a graveness in her eyes.
“And what are you going to do now?” Amber asked her, mockingly, spitting out every word like it was poison on her tongue. “Tell the managers? Send me off to therapy? Buy me makeup to hide the scars? What will you do, Vic?”
Qian sighed. She let herself fall against the wall next to Amber, close enough that their shoulders would touch. The short-haired girl watched her every move, not knowing what to expect. Her just bandaged skin burned underneath the cloth, a feeling that was all too familiar these past few days.
“I will not betray you to our managers. I will not send you to therapy. And I definitely won't buy you anything,” Qian said quietly. “I will do nothing.”
Amber raised her eyebrows, surprised at Qian's words. When the other woman turned around to face her, there was a look of understanding in her dark eyes.
“I cannot cure your depression. This is something you have to figure out yourself. All I'm going to do is stay with you so that you're not lonely.”
Amber stared at her in utter disbelief. She opened to say something back, but nothing clever came up.
“W-why?” she eventually stuttered. “And don't give me that 'because-I'm-your-leader' crap.”
Qian smiled weakly. She lifted her hand and caressed her cheek. Amber had to force herself to stay still and not lean away. She did not fear Victoria, but lately, she has gotten more anxious and it resulted in her not being as comfortable with physical intimacy as she used to be. Qian's hand was soft, just like her smile. For a moment, the other woman seemed to get lost; her eyes trailed off and she bit her lower lip. After a few seconds, she snapped out of her daze and leaned forward to press a kiss on Amber's cheek.
Amber was petrified when Qian’s lips met her cheek. Her breath got caught in and her body tensed up. Qian moved back and their eyes met, sharing a knowing gaze, one that had Amber’s heart beating faster. The dark-haired beauty moved in again and a kiss on the cheek turned in a kiss on the lips. It was only a brief moment that their lips touched, a small peck, but it was enough to make Amber’s cheeks flare up red. She was the one who traced after Victoria’s lips and kissed her properly.
The whole situation was confusing, perhaps more to Amber than it was to Qian. Going from cutting herself to kissing one of her colleagues was a huge step and she hadn’t been able to predict that at the beginning of the day. But now that she was actually kissing her, it felt weirdly right. Her hand curled around her hips and Qian didn’t take hers off of her face. Her lips were soft and tender, not at all what Amber had reckoned kissing Victoria would feel like. Perhaps she was more careful around her today than she would have been another time and even though Amber wanted to drown out her feelings with a powerful kiss, this one made her realize how much she had missed intimacy and how lonely she had actually been. Amber craved for more.
She had missed Qian during her absence, she had missed the way the other woman made her feel safe and secure. The kiss settled her raging emotions, making her feel more relaxed the longer their lips slid over each other.

Their kiss ended and Amber ended up with her head leaning against Qian’s shoulder. Her hand was slowly her hair, playing with the short strands, twisting them around her finger and letting go again. Qian muttered sweet, calming words. Amber fell asleep against her, emotionally exhausted after the revelation of her depression to Qian and finally able to relax a little.

She woke up the next morning in her own bed, undressed to her lingerie, with a bowl of yoghurt, cereal and fruit next to her on the night stand. There was also a glass of water and two pain killers. Amber sat up straight and scanned the room. There was no Qian, but her suitcase was open and wide, showing that yesterday evening hadn’t been a dream.
Amber rubbed her eyes and yawned. She sat up straight and ate the bowl until it was empty – even cleaned it with her finger when her spoon lacked in getting the leftovers – and took one of the two pain killers. Her arm didn’t hurt – or, at least, she told herself that it didn’t – but she had a headache and it was a welcome relieve.
She got up afterwards, putting on some shorts and a loose tank top. Amber hid her messy hair underneath a snapback and walked barefooted to the bathroom. Quickly, she brushed her teeth and started to seek for Qian.
When she opened the door to the living room, it became quickly clear where she was. The scent of strong coffee met her from the kitchen, one that Amber associated with her days as a rookie idol. Back in the days when they had just debuted, Qian would get up the earliest of them all and brew fresh coffee for them, making it so strong that their taste buds shrivelled. A slow love song was playing in the background and she heard Qian softly hum along to the words.
She only heard her when she entered the kitchen too. Qian turned around and flashed her a smile. Amber’s eyes grew larger at the sight of her leader in nothing but her black lingerie and a black, lacy, see-through robe around her shoulders. She had seen her in her underwear many times when they had been younger. In dressing rooms before a performance, in their dorm. It felt different now that they had kissed, though.
Qian knew exactly what was going on in her mind and started to chuckle.
“Here, have a cup,” she purred, before handing her a large mug filled with coffee. The milk had given it a caramel-like colour and the tea spoon of sugar made it a bit less bitter. Qian still knew, after all these years, how she liked her coffee.
The other woman held up her own, already half-empty cup, and clinked it against hers. Victoria drank her coffee jet black, without milk, sugar or any sweetener. What else would you expect from her?

They sat in silence and drank their coffee. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, one that needed to be pierced by useless talking. They both enjoyed it, knowing the other liked it as well.
Qian finished her cup earlier than Amber and waited patiently until she was done. When Amber’s cup made contact with her mahogany wooden coffee table, Qian stood up.
“Good, you’re finished,” she said. “Now you can start cleaning.”
Qian stood up and Amber watched her confused. The woman walked back towards the kitchen, pulled cleaning supplies from one of the cupboards and threw them in her direction. She caught some but let most of them drop clumsily on the ground.
“Cleaning?” she asked. Qian smiled.
“Yes, cleaning. Ever heard of it?” she chuckled. “You’re going to clean your apartment. Jack Jack needs to be taken out for a walk, Tuna’s litter box is a mess. There are clothes everywhere, the dishes haven’t been done for days and honestly, it smells. Today is cleaning day.”
“And I have to do all of that on my own?” Amber asked her. She held the cleaning stuff up as if she had never seen it before in her life and pulled up her nose. Like hell, she was going to clean today. She didn’t care whether the apartment smelled a bit or not, she just wouldn’t do it. Taking Jack Jack out and changing Tuna’s litter box was the least she could do but besides that, she didn’t feel like cleaning at all today.
“Yes. I’m going to take a shower and sit by and watch you,” Qian said casually. “One of the signs of depression is that you’re unable to take care of yourself. You, Amber Liu, are the living evidence. So, step two to making you feel better is to make you clean your apartment. Once it’s clean, your head will feel emptier too. After that, you take a shower and we go out for dinner. You can thank me later.”
Qian waved whatever Amber wanted to throw back at her away with a simple flick of her hand, leaving the other girl annoyed.
Amber shot her a foul look and muttered something that Qian could not decipher, but it sounded a lot like a string of curse words. The older woman sat down on the couch with another cup of coffee, watching Amber get up grumpily and started to hurdle cleaning supplies together a bit rougher than actually was needed. Qian waved at her with a huge smile when she started to clean out her dish washer.

Qian was right, in the end. Not that Amber would ever admit that, but Qian was always right. She did feel better at the end of that day, having worked her off. Her apartment now smelled like fresh daisies and after having taken a shower too, she indeed felt better.
Qian stopped by regularly after that day, returning to Amber’s apartment to make sure it stayed clean – and otherwise, make sure that Amber took care of it – and steal kisses once in a while. She was often busy and made frequent trips back to China but when she had a few days off, she made sure to stop by in Korea and check up on Amber while she was at it.
Qian’s visits helped her and even though they didn’t cure her mental disorder, it did help in the recovery process. Sure, her other friends dropped by too and when she went to visit her family in California, it also helped. But Qian made time off especially for her and it felt more special than anything else. It made her feel like she was worth it.
Never, never in her entire life, had she been more thankful as Victoria as her leader, as her guardian, as her friend. Qian was the bright little spot in the darkness and Amber knew that she would spend the rest of her life repaying her that favour.