The Lullaby…

http://youtu.be/ENWt5ZZ_-n8 

I lay in the bed next to her and her smooth head. She looked up into my eyes and tried to smile. Her eyes were red. I could see that her eyes were guilt-ridden. I her pale face and saw a tint of red flush to her cheeks. She had always blushed. It reminded me of the first time I met her.

‘I watched her dance playfully with her dog.

I felt odd staring at her through a window but she was the only part of this town that had made me smile.

 I moved here after my mother had passed. Being here was supposed to make the pain of losing her easier, but it didn’t, only her.

She started to sing the song that blasted through her apartment.

 Her dog her nose and she turned her face, I was busy admiring to notice she caught me staring.

Then, I saw her cheeks turn pink and she sweetly waved to me

I knew I had been caught and I quickly looked away.

I sighed and turned back out of curiosity.

She still watched me and leaned out of her window.

“You know asking for my number would be much easier, you know?” she giggled and her cheek turned red again.

I stuttered and my speech failed me.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to s-tare.” I bit my lip out of nervousness.

“My name is Diamond, and my number is…” she paused making my heart stop.

“Catch me if you can!” she laughed before slamming her window down and running back into her apartment.

I didn’t know whether to follow her or not but in my heart I wanted to.

Without me knowing my body moved towards her.

She leaned against the front of our apartment building and smiled when I burst through the door.

“The game isn’t over.” she laughed and rushed off again.

“Hey! Wait!” I screamed.

She still ran.

I sighed and starting chasing after her.

I didn’t know why I was doing this.

But when I thought about catching her, I smirked.

She rounded a corner and made her way into an alley.

She was trapped now; no way could she get out of that alley without me catching her.

I turned the corner and whipped my head back and forth trying to find her.

She was nowhere.

I looked behind the dumpster but she wasn’t there.

I checked behind the fire escape of the building, she wasn’t hiding there either.

Suddenly, I felt something warm and soft cover my eyes.

“I think you earned this.” I could hear the joy in her sweet voice.

I felt a small pressure come off my eyes and slide down my side into my pocket.

Suddenly, there was no pressure on my eyes but when I turned around she was already gone.

I sighed and reached into my pocket.

“My number, but when you call me, you should tell me your name.” the note read at the top and finished off with her 10 digits.

I held the note to my chest and pumped my fist in the air.

Finally, I would have a chance.

 I could see that she was tired but she had always thought of me first. She didn’t want me to be alone in this noisy uncomfortable place. She tried to stay awake to keep me company. And how I loved her company, but I hated to see her in pain. “Here, just let me sing you too sleep.” I pulled her close and laid us further back to a more suitable sleeping position. “No, Hoya, I’m fine.” She lied. “Did you just call me a flower?” I tried to joke. She laughed but it wasn’t her normal giggling that made my heart skip, it was strained, and I knew she laughed out of pity. Let’s be honest I wasn’t that funny. “Diamond, I know that you’re shot. Just let me sing you to sleep, like I use too.” I begged. She nodded quietly and smiled softly.

“If you need anything, just say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured if you start to doze, then I’ll tuck you in.

Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.”

 It was my lullaby to her, something that I used to sing to her every night, after she was diagnosed. And after I sang to her, like I promised, I would kiss the necklace that I had given her for our year anniversary. It was a large silver heart, with an intricate design of vines that wrapped around it, in the middle there was a key hole with a large diamond above it. I had the key put into the diamond of the engagement rings. The night that I had found the medication was the night that I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I wasted my time with her. ‘Medicating perfection… Now that’s a mistake.’ I thought.

 She took the bottle from my hands and fell to the floor. She cried and apologized to me. My heart had been broken, my soul left my body, and my mind went blank. I didn’t see her for weeks after that. I spent my time drinking and bringing home women that I thought could ease my heart break. She could hear it all. Every noise made, her heart came closer to dying, and it was my fault. I blame myself but Diamond always reassured me that this was not my fault, that my reaction was normal. She lied.

 I could do nothing but blame myself because even when I had treated her so poorly, she still loved me. She still watched over me instead of taking care of her health. One night, I had come home so wasted that I fell into the trash cans and passed out. She had heard the commotion because she had waited to hear me come home, she was getting worried as it got later and later, and I was still not home. She ran down the stairs and busted through the door. She searched for me but couldn’t find me until I began to groan. “H-Hoya?” she called shyly. I made another unconscious noise. She slowly walked over to me and sighed as I rested in the trash. “Hoya Oppa, you should not drink so much. You worry me.” she said as she kneeled next to me. I mumbled some more. She shook her head, she fought back tears, and wrapped my limp arm around her shoulder.

 She was weak at the time because she had gone through her first round of therapy but she carried me all the way up the stairs to my apartment. She would stumble sometimes because I was purely dead weight on her petite body. When we got to my apartment she laid me out on the couch. She tried to make me sit up straight but it wasn’t working. She started to get frustrated and pulled me into a sitting position where I had to stare into her eyes. Suddenly, anger flooded my body. I ripped my hand away from hers and harshly pulled it across her face. She quickly fell to the ground and held her cheek. She let the tears that she held in run down her face. “Why are you crying? It’s not like I’m the one who is leaving you.” I slurred my speech and sneered at her.

 I could see the hurt that I inflicted with those words in her eyes. She got up. “H-Hoya Oppa, no, no, I’m not leaving you. I don’t want this.” she cried and pleaded with me. “Don’t call me that name. My mother is the only one allowed to call me that. Not some… Disease, like you.” I growled. “Oppa, please don’t do this…” she wiped away some of her tears. “Why are you here?! Leave me alone! I’m trying to get over you!” I barked at her and threw my hand across her face again.

She stood up again, slightly limping this time. “I want to help you. You are like this because of me, Howon Oppa. Please don’t do this to yourself.” she pleaded with me. “You are a liar.” I raised my hand to hit her again but I fell backward and passed out. She cried into my lap for a while before pulling me into my room and nursing me for tomorrow’s hangover.

 When I awoke the next morning my head was pounding and I felt like my room was spinning. Suddenly, a cool rag was placed on my head and it gently pushed me back down to the pillow. “Rest Hoy-… Howon, you are going to feel ill.” my favorite voice told me. “Diamond?” I called to her. The girl next to me nodded. When the picture in my eyes cleared I felt my heart drop. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her right eye was a dark purple color and so were her cheeks. Under her right eye was a small laceration. Then her soft lip was a bit larger with a small cut on it too. “D-Diamond, what happened?” I asked scared to death. She looked at me with heartbreak in her eyes. I knew it as soon as she looked at me. It was me that had done this to her.

 Ever since that night I was devoted to making it up to her. I spent every minute that I could with her, even if I didn’t deserve her time, my heart wanted to be near her, sick or not. I was wrapped around her finger, I really was. I admired her grace the one thing that kept someone like me grounded. I loved how even though she was weak and scared, she was sweet and bold. She kept things light even when she knew she had taken a turn for the worst. She was my world and while she fell asleep in my arms I thought about our love.

 And then it came to me. I was constructed for her and she was molded for me. I could feel her name coursing through my veins. She was the only bright in my life; she put the sun to shame. My heart beat only for this girl. She was not perfect, but I was in love with her imperfections. They made her human. But when they take her imperfections away… I know she’ll be an angel, like she was always meant to be. The body that betrayed her would no longer cause her pain. My tears fell quickly onto her shoulder as I thought about the time I would have to say goodbye to her.

 I could hear the heart rate monitor slow. I brushed her soft pale cheeks one last time. I got up from the bed.

“If you need anything, just say the word. I mean anything, I really do.” I whispered in her ear and kissed her cheek.

“Rest assured, if you start to doze, I’ll tuck you in.” I lifted the blankets to her chin and smoothed them out over her skin and bones.

“And I’ll plant my lips where your necklace is closed.” I kissed her necklace and shed tears on her chest.

 The heart rate monitor let out a continual beep. I walked out of the room as the nurses rushed in. I hung my head low as I walked out the morbid building. ‘She’s an angel now.’ I told myself. But nothing stopped the numbness in my chest.

 The numbness was worse than the pain, I think. Any emotion was ripped from me when she left. I was alone and emotionless. A walking corpse. A lonely soulless being. I was empty without my Diamond.

 I breathed in deep before walking into the street. ‘I’m not letting you leave me so easy.’ I told her. The man who drove the bus tried to stop in time but he couldn’t. It took me out. I could feel myself fly through that air and land harshly on the ground. I could feel every injury but not for long as things started to go black. ‘I’m coming baby.’ I smiled.

 I saw a bright light. ‘This must be it.’ I thought. Suddenly, a voice and a figure intruded the light. “Hoya Oppa, you know I wouldn’t let you do this, right?” Diamond’s voice was pure and healthy again. “I want to be with you Diamond. I don’t want to be alone here.” I tried to reach for her but she pulled back. “Hoya Oppa, you will never be alone. I’d never leave you alone in this world. I know you need a friend. I need time thought to find perfect person to spend time with the man I love. This is not your time, please go on.” she begged me. “I don’t want anybody else, I want you. You never even let me marry you. I want to marry you!” I cried. “Oppa…” her voice started to get distant. “Diamond?!” I yelled. This time there was no reply. It was the last time I ever saw my Diamond.

 But at night, when I slept in our old room, I could hear our lullaby sung by her light-hearted voice. One night, it played loud in my ears. It wouldn’t leave me alone. I gripped the sides of my head and tried to smash my ears to block out the sound. Still, the sound continued to blast through my ears causing my head to sway in pain. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I cried. I dropped to the floor and that’s when I realized where I was. I was in her half-emptied apartment. I crawled to her room and lay where her bed used to be. I lay in a puddle of my own tears. “Why can’t I just be with you?” I slammed my fist on the hardwood. When, I caught a glimpse of something shining in the corner. I pulled myself towards the object I saw the ring that I had offered my heart with.

“Why are you still here?” she asked shakily as she rested in my arms while we sat on the couch.

We had been watching TV all night, it was one of those nights where she was weak and looked breakable.

My plan to take her out on some spectacular date was crushed but spending time with her meant everything to me now.

“I’m here because I’m watching a movie with my favorite girl.” I pulled her body closer to mine and snuggled my chin into the nape of her neck.

“That’s not what I mean Hoya Oppa. Why are you still here with me in this mess?” she spoke with rasp in her voice.

“Diamond, my light, this may be a mess but damn it’s such a beautiful mess. If I had to be in any mess this is the only one I’d be in.” I kissed her neck.

“You are cheesy.” She giggled and leaned her cheek into my kisses.

“I’m kind of nervous. I’ve got something big to ask you?” I started to feel a knot gather in my stomach.

“Mm?” she turned her body to look in my eyes.

“You know I love you right?” I said as I reached into my pockets.

“H-Hoya?” she choked as she realized what was going on.

“Diamond, if you take this Diamond and accept my offer, I’ll always take care of you and love you. So Diamond will you marry me?” I asked and the butterflies beat against my stomach.

“H-Hoya… I can’t. I’m so sorry.” She cried.

My heart ripped in half and tears rimmed my eyes.

“Why?” I managed to say but my voice shook violently.

“It will make things much harder for you after I’m gone. I am yours whether a paper and a ring says so or not. I can’t put you through anymore grief.” she cupped my cheeks in her small hands.

“I’m sorry. I love you Hoya Oppa.” she stared deeply into my eyes.

“I u-understand Diamond. I love you too.” I grabbed her small waist and pulled her on top of my lap.

“Give me the ring.” she demanded with a sweet tone.

I gave the ring to her and watched as she admired the box.

She let her fingers gently caress the box before opening it.

She picked up the ring and slid it onto her finger.

“Yours.” she smiled and admired the large diamond.

I could feel my heart smile as my lips twitched at the beautiful sight.

“I’ll never be anyone else’s. I’m all yours.” I pulled her in even tighter and kissed her jawline and landed my lips hers.

 It broke my heart to see it tossed carelessly across the room, the ring that told the world that she was mine, just lying on the floor. I slipped the ring on my pinky and decided my fate. I pulled my lifeless body up and ran back to my apartment. I pulled out a bottle of my favorite whiskey and downed it. I waited til’ I felt the fade sent in then I made my way back to the kitchen. I pulled out the only knife that I had left in the house.

 I knew that my body would fight me if I wasn’t under the influence. The whiskey would make this part easier. I quickly wrote down my goodbyes, there weren’t many because the two people I truly loved were already gone, but I made sure people knew why. After, I made some quick incisions before slowly pushing the blade into my heart.

“Put my lips where your necklace is closed…” I whispered.