It's optional but I highly recommend watching " love is " mv dance ver right before you read this . or you can always just leave the mp3 ver playing faintly in the background , on a volume low enough for you not to get distracted  .

 

                         

 

A certain grey haired vocalist occupied the practice room in the Top media  building , alone , planning to brush up his skills for the upcoming comeback .

 

He flexed his muscles briefly , made his way towards the music player and turned it on , waiting for a mere second to get in the mood .

 

Eyes closed , he breathed in a lungful of oxygen and visualized the choreography , body moving with practiced ease to the flow of the melody .  He took a deep breath in and exhaled heavily , willing himself to stay calm and not lose composure .

 

Love is gone away

Love is gone away

Love is gone away

 

Laying on the floor , he shook his head slightly and got up halfway , hands reaching forward , as if to chase the shadow of something no longer there , before  falling right back into a laying position and then turning to the side , only to lie on his back once more .

 

you're smiling but I'm going crazy . Oh no .

 

Just a little , he arched his back , pulling it off the floor before swiftly sitting up right , legs stretched apart and hands resting on knees . He imagined Jonghyun's part in his mind and in accurate timing , twisted his body around to end up sitting on his knees , and finally stood up .

 

Why haven't you called me for the past few days ?

 

I can't  sleep  a wink because of you .

 

How many days have I spent the nights with tears ?

 

How much more exactly must I be hurting ?

How much more must I be hurting ?

 

 

The repeating situation everyday , it's tiresome .

 

The ending that becomes tears at the end , my head is throbbing .

 

what must I do for you to understand me a little more for me .

 

At that point it was all about intense footwork . He was doing his best not to get distracted , focusing on the dance more than the lyrics but damn it was hard when he had to listen to a song in his own language . Add on the fact he could perfectly focus on two tasks after the constant practice and effort he put in it . Normally , it was a good thing , a talent . But at the moment , he hated it more than anything .

 

The devoted attention he was giving to the dance started to dwindle as he found himself unable to think of anything but the lyrics and what it made him feel . Soon enough his timing went off and even his. movements felt forced and rigid , especially as he neared his line .

 

you think this is funny I'm dying now

 

If you want to love , do it right .

 

 

Niel would be on his knees at that segment , choking himself - a part of the choreography- . They would be too , on the ground , but just for a moment before fluidly standing up again .

 

I'm not the me in the past . now there is no man like that .

 

Don't get me wrong . you know what I'm saying , girl .

 

! his eyes were starting to water as he unconsciously sang his part in his mind .

 

It didn't take long before he realized how his breathing  had shortened , suffering a pain quadrupled due to exerting physical effort and teetering on the threshold of weeping his heart out .

 

Why the hell was he getting emotional over an upbeat song ? Pathetic !

 

Love is gone away no no .

Love is gone away I'm going down .

Love is gone away no no .

 

Defeated , he dropped to his knees , not knowing why at that point . Was he truly following the dance steps or was it his will making his legs give out ?

 

you're smiling but I'm going crazy why is this so  fun for you .  I'm speechless .

 

He stood up again , pouring all of his rage into practicing . With a fierceness he'd never employed before , Chanhee moved his body , feet dancing  interchangeably as his hand almost touched his hair in a full round motion , as if in frustration .

 

Finally reaching the instrumental part , he did his utmost to imagine where every one of the members would be standing . It was rather difficult practicing alone but nothing he couldn't handle . It was rather difficult because a part of him latched on the thought that something felt wrong about the   whole picture . there was an empty space right there , every time he recalled the dance .

 

He could have been standing there . that would have been his position .. Could have .. He reminded himself .

 

It had been happening a lot lately , to many other groups - disbanding or a member leaving -. it shouldn't be a big deal . but you never mock a pain you have not endured . he'd learned that the hard way .

 

 

Truthfully speaking , he'd be lying if he said it hadn't crossed his mind before . there was always that nagging feeling in the back of his mind , whispering dark endings for them . but he chose to ignore it . whenever he found himself walking that path , straying , following that train of thoughts , he cut it short .

 

Byunghun was not the last person he expected such act , such betrayal from .. No .. He was the only one Chanhee hadn't expected to do that , to make such inconsiderate decision  . The younger had always been so passionate about his being a member of teen top family , about rapping and .. !  Maybe he was the one at fault , the only fool , not to see it coming . Byunghun had not been   feeling well for a very long time , for years .. He'd become so dull , a beautiful  diamond losing its splendor . It was just a matter of time before  he  reached his limit .

 

 

If staying with us is going to slowly kill you like that , I'd rather you leave . Chanhee imagined himself saying that to the rapper's face , trying to make himself feel better , nursing his long injured pride .

 

 

 

I truly loved you .

 

Tell me quick that you felt the same way then too .

 

He smiled at Ricky's part . It was soothing in some way . People would get blown away by the younger that comeback . He just knew .

 

Grateful for the momentary respite , he moved , feeling his shirt sticking to his torso as he swayed from side to side , inwardly appreciating Ricky's dancing skills .

 

Next was a line that Niel sang only once and honestly , it was breathtaking . Chanhee loved it , at first . But eventually he hated how everything took a turn for the worst , making every line in the song feel like a dagger stabbing him back and forth . Still , he tried to be strong .

 

Why are you making me so sad , I can't understand your heart .

 

However , every ounce of relief quickly left him as he heard Minsoo's voice , rapping the most heart-wrenching part in the whole song .

 

your words saying you will change I snort .

your words saying you are sorry freaking liar .

 

Nodding , as if agreeing to the lyrics , Chanhee pursed his lips as he pushed himself to the limit , the tears he once refused to release now freely running down his cheeks , a flood escaping a dam at long last .  

 

You liar ... Is that your " forever " is that your definition of it ? Is that your ' 30 years from now I would be thinking of teen top ' bull ??

 

I guess we have become a distant memory sooner than expected , ha .

 

I'm speechless about you even if it's just a little .

 

If you think about me ,  this wouldn't have happened .

 

you think this is funny I'm dying now

 

If you want to love , do it right .

 

 

None of it would have happened if he spared a second to think  of the pain he'd be causing them all , the mess he'd be leaving in his wake .

 

Chanhee sniffed , struggling to curb  the myriad of emotions slithering like a snake around his soul , denying him escape .

 

I'm not the me in the past . now there is no man like that .

 

Don't get me wrong . you know what I'm saying , girl .

 

He sang his part with resolution , as if trying to convince himself that he really had changed and was not just singing a line in a song , not a role he was getting in .

 

 

His movements had long gone loose even if he tenaciously put more force in the whole thing  , it didn't necessarily mean it was consistent .

 

 

For the last time , he dropped to the floor and made a body roll , lying to himself .. Like someone who'd stayed up late , crying his eyes out  , woke up with puffy eyes and was still pretending to be okay .

 

Love is gone away no no .

Love is gone away I'm going down .

Love is gone away no no .

you're smiling but i'm going crazy oh no .

 

Rising to his feet as the song came to an end , he lifted his chin and persisted , genuinely thinking he could stop the tears . But oh he chose the wrong timing to .

 

you left

But I'm still here where I'm .

Although you left me alone

your warmth is still how it is

 

He voiced it out , the highnote , as if he was truly performing in front of a crowd , a part of him enraged , wanting to engrave that truth in his thick skull . HE WAS GONE !

 

Love is gone away no no .

Love is gone away I'm going down .

Love is gone away no no .

you're smiling but I'm going crazy oh no .

 

That was it . He completely broke down , ignoring the rest of the dance as he staggered and slumped against the mirror , faintly realizing he was not alone in the room anymore .

 

His throat closed up , chest heaving up and down rapidly , hand rising to cover his treacherous eyes  , the last shred in his self-control coming undone .

 

" .. I can't .. The lyrics .. it's killing me . " his trembling voice came out  in a whisper , cracking with the effort he put in trying to even out his breathing , to keep his emotions in check ,  to let out clear words instead of incoherent ones . Which he was failing in , miserably .

 

Having watched enough , Ricky finally abandoned his place by the door and hesitantly made his way to the elder , gulping with much difficulty as he did so .

 

His footsteps fell heavily on the wooden tiles as he walked , not knowing what to say or even do to comfort the elder .

 

" you know .. sometimes I  think .. if life wanted to do it on purpose just to hurt me , it wouldn't have chosen that . "

 

Intention translated to determination and that in return meant perfect target aim . If life wanted to end it all in such a manner to hurt him , its aim couldn't have been as deadly as it had turned out . Because right now , he was hurting beyond the point of just an accurate aim at his heart .  It was more than just accurate .. to the extent that he believed even if someone wanted to hurt him intentionally , they couldn't have possibly accomplished it in a better way .

 

" Jonghyun may look it but he is not okay . He cannot be okay ! We've been living and working together for seven ing years ! He looks like he doesn't even give a about any of it but deep inside he misses him . He misses teasing him about his height and playing mind games with him . he misses it all and we know it . "  Chanhee confessed , crystal droplets falling nonstop as he spoke up , everything finally taking a toll on him . the younger let him . He just dropped next to the grey haired male , watched and listened as the said sniffled and took a few seconds to recollect his thoughts before speaking up once more .

 

" Niel is pretending that everything will eventually work out , that we are going  to be fine without him and that we can move on . He's fabricating a mature disposition about the whole thing .. he thinks he can drive himself into a state of understanding and acceptance by doing that . he thinks that following the wise words of how life doesn't stop on one person and that the world won't stop for our grief would eventually make it better . But he's gravely mistaken ! " Concluding his speech with a resonant shout , Chanhee shook his head and flailed both hands about , feeling his cheeks start to sting as fresh tears fell on dried ones , condemning his resolution to remain stoic to damnation  .

 

Ricky 's eyebrows began to knit as he nodded , unconsciously . Everything the elder had said so far was nothing but the ugly truth they all chose different means to cope with , to ignore  . But no amount of tears or anger would change any of it , Ricky knew . Which is why he found himself unable to verbally react  . He just assumed allowing the vocalist to let it all out would be the best thing he could do at that moment .

 

Grateful for the younger not interrupting him or even attempting to calm him down , Chanhee went on and on , getting to the eldest of them " Minsoo seems nonchalant at times and others , he tries to  cheer us up . But he , just as the youngest among us , is far from okay ! We don't see it but I can swear that he feels hurt , betrayed and angry at some point .  "

 

Now that was nothing new . Ricky could already tell that their leader had been struggling , alone and behind closed doors , to find a proper coping mechanism , an effective and long lasting one . There was no such thing though . His search for something that didn't even exist and never will , would end up making it all the more painful . Ricky could already imagine all sorts of  scenarios for that doomed path.

 

While he'd been captive to his own thoughts , the younger failed to noticed how only two people were left for inspection , including himself .

 

 " Hell ! Even you and I are not in the least bit okay ! We are just hiding our emotions  , pretending to be strong , refusing to think about it , to face it . But not anymore . " Chanhee exclaimed before rushing to his feet , surprising the said younger with how abrupt the action was along with the full implication of his words . Still , Ricky chose to give pacifying the elder a try .

 

" .. Just .. Forget it , hyung . " He'd encouraged wanly , the suggestion throbbing in his ears with how much of a lie it really was . If only he knew , however , that his first time speaking ever since he entered the practice room would be that taunting , he wouldn't have said it .

 

" No ! Okay ! NO ! I cannot forget . we've been putting off this conversation for so long and I can't anymore ! " Now standing up , Chanhee 's figure towered above the younger making him want to shrink in shame of what he'd just said . How stupid could he have been to even think of that ? How could they forget it ?  Chanhee hyung had every right to snap at him .

 

" I can't keep these bottled up emotions inside of me anymore  . It's suffocating me . " His voice had been low , never rising above an audible whisper , and yet still filled to the brim with tons and tons of emotions . the thing that made it even more difficult to watch  . Just being a witness to such sight ing hurt , to the point that the younger found his eyes moistening as well . Chanhee's words  came out like a broken plea for help , Like he really couldn't handle the pain anymore .

 

For a minute or so nothing but hushed breathing filled the entire place as  both of them suffered in silence until Chanhee's eyes took on a determined glint followed by him exclaiming a vow to himself and the younger  " I'm going to let it all out , Ricky ! All ! "

 

Not giving the other male a chance to process those words , he questioned " you know how ? I'm gonna break things in blind anger . " As if to prove his point , he crossed to the other side of the room and took a chair before flinging it against the mirror , fully aware of  the  the minute damage he would be inflicting , just a scratch . But it didn't matter . He just felt the need to smash something or he'd go mad . Ricky flinched at the same exact second it happened , covering his ears involuntarily as he expected the glass to shatter .

 

Eyes widened , he remained on the ground for good few seconds , having troubles processing the whole thing , before he gulped and slowly stood up , almost begging the elder to stop because at the end of the day Chanhee would be the one paying for such damage or maybe all of them . He was that close to ask the elder not to give in to the fit of rage but knew saying so would only make it worse . At that point , it didn't look like the elder cared at all .

 

It's not always just the heart . sometimes , the mind breaks as well . Ricky reflected with a bitter feeling residing in his chest .

 

" I'm gonna scream and let every single remnant of him out until there would be no space left in me thinking about him or missing him or craving his company , his warmth , his mere presence . " the more he spoke , the more his words lost their persuading power , the less strong he seemed . his voice ended up cracking near the end , almost too low to be recognizable .  The younger found himself slowly walking  , approaching the broken mess of a hyung in front of him.

 

" Today is going to be the last day he crosses my mind , of that I can promise you . " He said with tears falling all over his cheeks as he squeezed his eyes shut , face wrinkling into a pained frown , trembling with an effort to remain blank and unaffected .

 

Ricky simply nodded pursing his lips and with a mirroring flood of tears , took Chanhee in his embrace , not in the least bit convinced by the promise he'd just heard and yet readily  accepting it . Together , they crumble down , letting out all of the negative energy they have been storing in their heart ever since the whole ordeal took place . At the end of the day none of them was really happy , including him .

 

 

 

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3479 words

updated 6 august 2017