It is just like the other day. The thing which can be differentiated it from the other day, simply it is the first day of autumn. Soonyoung strolls the way inside the campus, catching a glimpse of leaves and the sight of his university building. Soon he will be graduated. Not this year, perhaps a year later or two years later, he doesn't know. He only knows how to continue on living. 

He let another breath out of his nose. 

He smiles as he sees a pair of two persons who had his blessing on them a year ago, well, five years ago when they were too young to experience a love story. He smiles bitterly, not because he half-heartedly gave those blessings on them, he sincerely put an eternity wish for their happiness. 

In spite of that, he is simply envious, no, he feels grudging. 

He wants to have a story like them. A beautiful story of love that ever exists in the world. Because he doesn't have it. Although he hopes for it, he knows he never is able to have it. 

His thought snaps him out of the sight and continues on walking at the rough stony path. 

He passes another hallway, another path, another park as he keeps walking, wandering aimlessly to spend the first autumn of the year. He slowly feels how the breeze soothes his weary heart gently. Soothing it from the weary and stitches that painting his heart, which makes him hide it from anyone. 

“It’s gonna same…” he silently mutters. He can not utter what he really means because it is always same. He will spend his day, with the same person and same misery. The same person who shares the mutual pain with him. 

He let another sigh, to his first autumn this year, he does not complain a lot, because he has nothing to carp about. 

He slowly makes his move to a familiar area. A music room. A room that he has dodged many times back then, but today he turns the knob to make an entry. 

There is no one inside, only a jet black grand piano remaining in the corner of the room. 

He remembers what happened in that room when he was in sophomore year. He was meeting Seokmin and playing the piano for the choir, behalf of his friend who could not make a presence that day. A day where he met his sunshine. 

He snorts, pitying himself for recalling a day of it. 

He sluggishly makes a move towards the piano, taking a slow step to settle the lid prop after opening the led. Then unlocking the fall board which hides the tuts. He shifts to sit down on the bench. After that, he lays his finger on the black and white tuts, playing every key cautiously. He smiles as the melody turns into a sad one he ever heard in his life. 

“Soonyoung hyung,” someone calls him, startles the latter into pressing the keys hard as it ruins his play. He turns over. 

Revealing a young man who beaming brightly at him. A young man who is always being a reason for Soonyoung to smile despite all the pain he bears alone. A young man whom he falls for, covertly. 

“Seokmin,” he chants his name softly as if it is the holy name he prays every night before he gets to sleep. 

The latter steps forwards, without forgetting to shut the door behind. 

“What are you doing, hyung?” 

“Nothing.” His eyes still follow every step Seokmin takes to approach him. Every second he goes closer, more suffocating Soonyoung feels right now. Not because the enclosed space he stays right now, but simply because of his own feeling. His affection for Seokmin which chokes him, clandestinely. 

Yes, his heart does it. It is illegal for him, harmful to natural law, he guesses. 

Because he has a soft spot in his heart for someone else’s partner. Although he has felt it for years, he still considers it as a forbidden feeling. 

Because Seokmin will never feel the same like he does. It’s awful. 

Seokmin chuckles. “Continue on your play, hyung…it never fails to fascinate me,” he compliments. Soonyoung only lays his finger back on the key, pressing it softly as he interprets his untold feeling through music. Moreover, before someone whom he considers as an important person in his life. 

A person who came from his childhood time, and they met again when Soonyoung was in his second year. 

A person who taught him to fall in love for a simple thing, and now that person who teaches him how to endure the pain to having one-sided love.  

Seokmin leans against the piano as he stares at the fingers which play the melody beautifully. He recognises the melody but he doesn't ask why the older plays it. Instead, he assumes it as the autumn vibe. Yeah, the gloomy vibe. 

“Hyung,” the younger calls, trying to make his eyes to meet him. He beams. 

“Nothing, I just like to see your eyes.” 

At that side, Soonyoung’s heart falls sink. He knows he shall expect nothing from him, but a single thing Seokmin drives him crazy, he just let it slip easily. He shall not let himself to fall deeper in that foolish love since there is no quit door. 

“Do you know the song I play right now?” 

Seokmin nods. “I know.” 

“You’ve asked once if I had a lover or not.” 

The tunes keep on flowing as they chat along. “Yeah,” he rubs his nape. “You have?” 

“I have, but I know he loves someone else besides me.” 

Seokmin widens his eyes. He is shocked. “Hell!," he exclaims, “just dumps him away, hyung.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Why?” 

“Because he was the one who teaching me love, he is too precious for me. I can’t let him go, Seokmin.” He stops for a moment, taking a time to look Seokmin’s eyes. He spots a furious gaze within him, but he can not understand. 

“But he is not worthy of your love, hyung.” Soonyoung wonders if someday he reveals the lover, will Seokmin be mad at himself? Because Soonyoung is talking about him, talking about his empty hope of taking Seokmin for his, whereas he can not do it. 

Since he is not being greedy to take the precious smile for him. 

Since he knows Seokmin is utterly not his lover. 

Since the person, he loves giving the precious smile, not only for Soonyoung but also for his lover. 

If he was greedy, he would lose the smile Seokmin had. Because of Seokmin, for his assumption, only loves him as a brother, a friend, a mentor. Only for that line. And he would not try to go across the line because Soonyoung is too afraid to lose the precious smile he protects at all cost. 

“No, he is worth all these galaxies and my love is not enough for him, Seokmin,” he points out. 

Seokmin furrows his brow. “Find someone else, and wait,” the younger goes down on his knees, reaching out for Soonyoung’s hand, “your destiny will come soon.” 

“And it’s him, Seokmin. But I can’t go heedlessly to make him as my own only.” His face falls down. “It’s okay to love him by myself, don’t worry,” he says. 

Seokmin shakes his head, opposing his statement. “No, hyung…” 

Tear drops. 

“He is a great man. I only see him, Seokmin. Only his name that lingers on my lips every night.” 

He does not lie about it, Soonyoung tells the truth. 

“Hyung…” 

“I-I..”

A door slams open, showing a man with his jaw dropping down. “Joshua hyung.” Soonyoung feels ached to see the latter coming up and interrupting his moment with Seokmin. 

“Baby hyung, I’m sad with Soonyoung hyung,” he pouts as he stands up and welcomes the latter into a warm hug. On the other side, Soonyoung shuts his eyes tight. 

He can not endure the pain before his eyes. His stomach grumbles itchy and bugs him a lot. He feels sick. 

It is not right.

“Baby, we should bring Soonyoung to the infirmary,” Joshua says worriedly, seeing Soonyoung in pale. He put Soonyoung’s arm around his shoulder but his move is stopped as he spots a familiar figure. 

“Hey, Jeonghan hyung.” Seokmin greets him as the male passes before him quietly. Jeonghan instantly pulls Soonyoung up on his back and makes the other male backing away before leaving Seokmin dumbfounded, also Joshua in shock. 

He leans closer, “so Jeonghan hyung has a thing with Soonyoung?”

Joshua shrugs. He is in deep thought as he saw a glint of no spark within Jeonghan’s eyes. He frowns. 

“Baby hyung…” Seokmin snakes his hand around Joshua. 

The older smiles, “I’m okay.” 

Meanwhile, on the other place, Jeonghan still piggybacks the young male. No words between them after the incident inside music room. Both of them fall in silence, intense concern of something. 

“Thank you.” 

Jeonghan shrugs. “No need, you shall not meet either.” 

“Still…I miss him.” 

“But he still could not get what you meant before.” 

Soonyoung pouts. “You eavesdrop it, hyung and it’s illegal.” Jeonghan giggles. 

“Well, I have to take care of my hamster brother, I guess.” 

The younger pulls a small smile on his lips. “Thank you.” 

Jeonghan hums and keeps on walking the latter down the stony path, heading out of the campus. Jeonghan keeps him on his back as he walks on the pavement. All the eyes stare at them, yet the older does not give a bother to look back and fight their mouth of talking about them. 

“Hyung,” Soonyoung calls. 

Jeonghan hums lazily. Soonyoung yawns, taking a time to gather his mind and conscious back. “Mind doing a favour?” 

“What is it?” 

“If I die…” 

“Don’t start,” Jeonghan cuts off. Soonyoung clicks his tongue. “Please.” 

Jeonghan mutes. “Please tell him.” 

“I know.” 

Soonyoung pats his chest. “Joshua is no longer living in here, right?” He points at Jeonghan’s chest, asking a dumb question where he is the only one who knows about that. 

“So, it’ll be okay to face Seokmin and Joshua. This condition has estranged you from him.” 

Jeonghan hums again. “Yeah, you bet.” 

“Don’t be afraid if the petals come out again, you still have a soft spot like I have for Seokmin.” He yawns once more. 

“I have no spot for him.” 

Soonyoung smiles unconsciously put his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder leisurely. “I play that song for him today.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I want to tell him that it’s okay for me to love him all by myself without expecting a reply.” 

Jeonghan sighs. “Please sing it for me hyung,” he requests. 

Without a second doubting, he naturally recites the song. At the same time, Soonyoung has drifted away to slumber as he is given a soft yet lullaby. 

Am I still alone

You ask, and I just laugh

I am in love 

I have someone to love 

You seem to worry about 

Telling me to meet someone nice

Tears rain from eyes as Jeonghan sings the song. 

Do you know 

I already have a great lover 

Someone too precious I had to hide it 

Soonyoung tightens his grip on his wrist, buries his face against Jeonghan’s back as if his dream is as sad as the reality itself. Even so, it is truly sad, because he sees the person in his dream. He meets Seokmin also in his dream which brings him to tears, either it is happy tears nor miserable tears, no one knows. 

Even Jeonghan does not dare to ask. The older remains on piggybacking him while singing a song for him. 

 

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Author's note : the song is Lee Eun Mee - I Have A Lover. (here) engsub here

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