chanwoo

it was one of those days where hanbin was extremely disappointed in chanwoo. other days, he'd still be disappointed in him, but it wasn't as bad as it was today. he really didn't want to mess up, he was so exhausted from staying up the night before to perfect his moves-- which weren't so perfect today.

he felt so guilty, he was always holding everyone back, especially hanbin, and he already has loads and loads of things to do, and the last thing he would need was for someone like chanwoo to ask him a favor so small compared to the work hanbin had to do, and it just made him feel more and more useless (because everyone has hard work to do, and you can't even do a simple thing that /all/ the members are doing along with their individual work??? and you have none, tch).

as he flipped over on his bed (while catching a glimpse of yunhyeong's digital clock across the room (it was so late)), he tried to reason with himself that he was only a trainee for 2-3 months, but that didn't make him feel any better. (hah. the others did so much better than you did when they were two to three months in, and they had no problem. maybe it's just you-- like your parents always say.)

i have no excuse, chanwoo thought. he decided to go to sleep, so he wouldn't make the same mistake he did last night for staying up super late. as he was lulled to sleep, he didn't notice the words on his arms get much darker when he had his internal conversation (arguement) with himself.

as the early clouds rolled in, he was called awake along with the other members to jinhwan and junhoe's noise pollution. he freshened up and after he walked out he felt bad for calling junhoe and jinhwan's voices 'noise pollution'. he knew the other memebers say that as a joke, but he felt as if he was being hypocritical (he remembered bobby saying that once)-- so he took back that earlier thought he had before freshening up. maybe he wasn't that close enough to them.

he walked out hesitantly, afraid of their eyes, mainly hanbin's eyes because even when people just look at him, he gets super insecure. he felt as if their eyes were unraveling his facade he kept up for years and years, but in actuality, nobody was aware of what he concealed inside. in the end, he manned up, and walked out, keeping his nervousness deep in the core of his chest.

yunhyeong was setting everything up for breakfast, and looking at the food made him want to eat less. (you better eat less, if /you/ eat less, the others can eat more).

the members recently decided that they should have a bigger breakfast so they can skip lunch so there'd be more time to practice. although the members decided to do that for time management, chanwoo thought it was his fault they had to do that. (yeah, it is your fault they have to skip lunch because of you. if /you/ would practice harder, they wouldn't have to spend more time on it).

he took the bowl yunhyeong held out for him (last, he noted, but that's to be expected-- he was the youngest after all) and watched as everyone digged in, and once he saw that every single person had a grab at what they wanted to eat, chanwoo finally reached out for his small share-- kind of like taking 's leftovers. nobody really noticed that he took a few long moments to dig in because they were too hungry to notice or they're hanbin, and they are still disappointed and he couldn't get a single dance move right for hours.

although he thought nobody caught on, at least a little bit, someone did. but the person who saw didn't think much about it, he was a little just curious.

"are you only going to eat that much?" it was donghyuk. chanwoo knew he was a curious and caring soul, so he kind of figured it would be him of all members to ask this question. donghyuk was the only one who could empathize with him the most-- being an idol wise.

knowing that everyone turned to look at him, he smiled and said, "yeah, this will keep me full until dinner. i'm sure of it." he said and donghyuk nodded slowly.

"oh okay, if you say so." he replied with a smile. everyone went back to eating, but he could feel someone staring at him for a moment before proceeding to eat. brushing it off, chanwoo continued to finish up his food so they could all go to practice. since he had a smaller share of the food, he finished first, and he put his dishes into the sink (the sink full of dishes he'd have to wash). feeling a bit bummed that he would have to wash them after a hard day's worth of practise, he tried to think positively so he would be more willing to wash them later.

he went back inside his room to go change and have some alone time before the group had to go so he selected a sweater and some jeans from his closet and went inside the bathroom. after locking the door (in fear of getting caught), he took off his long sleeved pajama shirt, and his eyes widened at how much darker the words on his skin got. he wanted to panic so bad, but he held it in. he couldn't get caught.

he attempted to get some soap to try and make the words fade, but nothing worked. he scratched and scratched at his once beautiful skin, making dark pink streaks form immediately on his marked arms. he turned the sink handle so the water could flow but even after the soap washed away, the words were still as dark as they were before. he kept scratching his skin out of frustration so tiny droplets of blood started to form. his breathing came out as quick breaths, overwhelmed at the fact that the words got darker just from the thoughts he had last night. it wasn't even that bad! he thought.

"hey chanwoo, you good?" bobby asked behind the door. "i just came by to check on you because you were in there for awhile." (not because he's worried about you).

his head snapped up in a heartbeat. "yeah, i'll come out in a bit." in a rush, he quickly put on his clothing, and grabbed his pajamas to go put them in the laundry basket.

he noticed that they were almost done eating so they'd have to leave for practice soon. they all changed before coming out to eat so once they all finished, they were headed out to practice.

please don't be disappointed in me, i don't like those eyes.

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[a/n]: sorry this is not edited yet! >< i think all the chapters from here until the story is finished will be unedited but i promise i'll edit it when i complete this book! <3 the chapters will get longer after this as well~