I was hoping it’d rain when I walked to the park. The sound of rain drops hitting the asphalt is always calming. And I needed that. I sat on the swing in the abandoned park, waiting. The clouds hovered above me seeming to wait for the right moment to fall. But soon small drops started to fall and I watched as they fell on to the sand clumping them together. I expected heavy rain but it was better than nothing. I sat looking upwards letting the droplets fall on my face. Birds were flying faster than usual. The streets emptied almost instantly. I liked it. The quiet. The silence was also calming. I wanted it to stay that way forever.

The rain only got heavier but the sun was persistent, peeking through heavy clouds. A rainbow had formed painting the gray sky with its vivid hues. The reds and the yellows, mixed with a hint of blue contrasted the brightness. I got up and followed the rainbow. Unlike others, I’ve been told that sadness awaits at the end of a rainbow and I think it’s more believable. After all, if something as beautiful as a rainbow must end, it surely must be filled with grief. I walked slowly letting the falling rain soak me. But then again I didn’t have to walk far. I had just turned into the main road when I saw it. The end of the rainbow.

And him.

I stopped in my tracks and stared. He was facing away from me, soaked wet. The rainbow faded just above his head and it looked like the colors were fading into him. Like he was some magical creature. It was breathtaking. And suddenly this boy I’ve never seen before became more interesting than the rainbow. I walked towards him slowly, concentrating on not being noticeable. I didn’t know why, but it felt like if he felt my presence the magic would disappear. His wet brown hair fell below his neck and his wet white t-shirt made his well-toned muscles stand out. I stood behind him and watched the rainbow fade into the ground. I understood why people associate rainbows with fairytale. It really was magical.

‘Ice-cream.’ His voice was so soft but it startled me. I didn’t know if he said that to me or just to himself but I turned to him and saw that he was already looking at me. And at that moment rather than thinking something bad was going to happen, I felt like I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I'd never seen anyone as beautiful as him. His huge hazel eyes were enchanting and dark. He wasn't smiling but his eyes twinkled mischievously, as if both of us standing in the rain were some big secret we were sharing. I knew I was staring but I couldn't tear myself away.

‘What?’ my voice was strained and I felt stupid. I shouldn’t be feeling that strongly about someone I don’t know. But even then I knew I’d fall for him. It wasn’t even a guess, I just knew it. He raised his eyebrows. ‘Do you want ice-cream?’ he asked little louder. He had a smooth voice. Soft and smooth. Like butter. I must’ve said yes because he smiled.

I felt myself fall.

His name is Nakamoto Yuta and he was the man I fell in love with.

We ran into the convenience store dripping wet. He bought ice creams for us. He chose vanilla and I chose chocolate. When we got out, the rainbow was gone and it was heavily raining. We walked in the rain eating our ice creams that was soon soaked. He asked me where I wanted to go so I took him back to the park. We sat on the swings. He was quiet and I liked it. I enjoyed company but I didn't like speaking. We both ate our ice cream in silence. It was a comfortable silence that I enjoyed a lot. I asked him if he was cold but he shook his head no. I saw myself stealing glances at him and blushing every time he looked at me and smiled.

The rain stopped as abruptly as it came. He held my hand as he walked me home. I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted. He let go of my hand when we reached the front door. He learned forward and I could smell him. He smelled of vanilla. He was so close, for a second I thought he was going to kiss me. But he patted me on the head and smiled.

'Good night Taeyong'

I stood there and watched him disappear into the darkness wishing he wouldn't leave.

After more than two weeks, I had given up on seeing him again. Sometimes I thought I had imagined the whole scene. There was no way I’d meet an angelic looking man on a rainy day who bought ice-cream for me. It sounded more absurd when I tried telling it to my friends. The story became their joke to laugh at me for being single. Term exams had started and I was struggling with studies as usual. Slowly he was fading away from my memories. It was a hot day and I was sitting in the park trying to make sense of the scientific terms in my text book. The exam was the next day and I didn’t know a thing. I didn't even hear him walk in. I looked up when his shadow loomed over me. For a second, I actually thought I was hallucinating again.

‘Taeyong.’ His voice was real. He looked better with his hair dried up. He looked stunning with messy hair framing his face just perfectly. My heart skipped a beat. He looked like a model wearing a simple white tee and jeans. He dropped beside me. I could smell a mix of mint and vanilla. He even smelled sweet. I wanted to ask him where he’d been for a month but I didn’t. At least he was there then. He leaned toward me and rested his head on my shoulders. And I couldn't concentrate on the book anymore. I tried staring at the book trying to make sense of the letters. Finally, I closed the book and placed it on my bag. He moved a little closer and I felt my breath quicken and all I wanted to do was turn around and kiss him. I could imagine lips on mine, sweet just like his scent, softly opening his mouth tasting-

'Taeyong.'

'Hmm?'

‘Did you miss me?’

‘No.’

He laughed. It was silent but I felt his breath on my neck.

‘I missed you.’

I wanted to ask why he didn’t come to see me before. But I didn’t. ‘You did?’

'Yeah. A lot.’

He was silent for a minute.

‘Let’s go and watch the sunset.'

We took the bus to the beach. But when we reached there after two hours the sun had already set and it was already dark. He didn’t want to go back and being honest, neither did i. The moonless night was darker than usual but the skies were clear and the stars shone brightly like fireflies in the sky. Instead we walked on the beach. Soon it started getting cold and we realized we didn’t bring jackets. We bought a blanket from a drug store and waked back to the beach. We sat on the beach in the dark, the blanket wrapped around both of us. We liked the waves and the cold air. We liked the sensation of the sand grains under out feet and we both enjoyed the company of each other.

Talking to him was so easy because he never interrupted me. I never was one to speak a lot and I hated talking about myself. But he asked questions and let me finish talking which I liked. He was a dance major in the same university. I was surprised because I study in the building right across the arts one. I told him that I never saw him there but he laughed and told me that he saw me often. We talked about our likes and dislikes. He liked movies and I liked books. He liked white and I liked black. He liked sweets and I didn’t. I believed in love and he didn’t.

He walked me back home and i wanted to ask where he lived but i didn't. I didn't ask him a lot of things but then again they were irrelevant to me. He handed me the blanket and turned around to leave. I watched him. After a few steps he stopped and turned around. A part of me knew he wouldn’t leave. A part of knew he wanted me as much as I did. I felt myself shiver but this time it wasn’t because of the cold. When he stood in front of me I had to look upwards to meet his gaze. He looked like he was second guessing everything. Slowly he put his hands around my face and cupped them bringing them closer to him. He was surprisingly warm. For the first time I looked at him directly and didn’t blush. I was in awe at his beauty. Up close he was more beautiful than ever. His light skin was so smooth it looked unreal. His lips were a deep pink. He kissed my forehead.

His lips moved downwards. ‘You’re so beautiful.’ He whispered against my lips. But he was more beautiful. I didn’t say that either.

I closed my eyes waiting for his lips and soon i felt it. He was sweet. Too sweet for my liking but I liked it. It was him after all. He took my lower lip in his mouth and he was so soft with his touches and he tasted so sweet I felt myself melt. But he pulled away suddenly as if realizing what was happening.

'Taeyong, i don't know if-‘

‘Don’t stop.’ I told him. I dropped the blanket and pulled him closer kissing him full on the lips.

'I want it' i said not even understanding what I wanted.

'I want this. I want you.'

And I did. Just him. I wanted him. I wanted him more than anyone else. And I got him.

The night only got hotter and hotter. All I remember is the touches. Soft and hard. Him on me and me on him. Was there love? Probably not, but there was attraction. It was obvious he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. But surprisingly even in bed, he was soft. And sweet. He could make me feel safe and wanted in one touch. He was the kind of man that could make anyone fall for him. Even the slightest touch only made me want him more. Crave for him more. Love him more. It was too bad he didn’t know how to return love. I didn’t know when I fell asleep. I remember that he was holding me in his arms yet I woke up to an empty bed.

‘Let’s not fall in love’. He never said it out loud but it was always there. Like a silent agreement between us. My friends who knew him warned me about him. But then again, they didn’t have to because I saw him with other people now and then. I never asked him about it. Maybe I was scared that I wasn’t anything special to him, but sometimes I felt like no matter who he’d go out with he’d come to me in the end. That was one reason I held on for so long. I didn’t want to let him go on my own. I did my best to not get too attached. I didn’t want to get hurt either. But it didn’t really work. At first, I didn’t want to accept that I loved him. I didn’t know exactly when I fell in love with him but one day I looked at him and it was so clear. I loved this man. I loved him so much; I’d have given up my life for his. I was so in love with his eyes, his nose, and his lips. His touches, his kisses. His scent and his taste. With his smile, with his voice, I was already madly in love.

He was my drug and I was addicted.

‘I love you.’ I said almost above a whisper. He looked up placing his phone on his lap. We were sitting on the couch, me reading a book and him playing with his phone. He had earphones in and I didn’t think he’d hear my confession. He took out the plugs and placed them on his phone quietly still looking at me.

‘What?’

‘I love you.’ I said a little louder.

He reached forward and almost instinctively I stepped back.

‘I’m sorry.’

My heart dropped even though I was expecting that same answer. Why couldn’t I have been wrong? I wondered.

I laughed. I’m sure he also saw how forced it was. ‘There’s nothing wrong with being in love.’

He held my hand. I wanted to pull away.

‘It is when it’s only you.’

And there it was. The answer I was so scared of. I don’t love you. It’s only you. It was like being stabbed in the chest. It felt hard to breathe.

He moved over and pulled me closer.

‘It is when you end up hurt.’ Then love me back.

I didn’t believe him then. It took me three years to understand that hurting yourself wasn’t loving someone else.

‘But darlin’ why does it matter when it’s not you who’ll be hurt?’

He opened his mouth but I kissed his words away before they could hurt me anymore.

I wondered if he even knew what love meant. Sometimes he’d seem like he loved me and other times it didn’t look like he even saw me. Even though we studied at the same faculty we never talked on campus. I’d hang around with my friends and he’d always be surrounded by a huge group. He never approached me to talk so I didn’t either.

It was a Sunday and I had to go to the library to pick up a book I left there. The grounds were empty and in a way it was haunting. Maybe because usually the place is bustling with life. I grabbed the book, thanked the librarian for her help and ran downstairs. I stopped when i heard music. It was very soft but I knew I didn’t hear it when I went to the library. I walked down the hallway trying to figure out where the music was coming from. It was from one of the practice rooms. The door was slightly open. I opened the door slowly.

He was dancing to Luhan’s ‘skin to skin’; one of my most favorite songs. His loose white shirt dropping off his shoulders and the loose white trousers made him look angelic. His moves were smooth but precise, matching the soft melody of the song. He had his eyes closed as he moved elegantly to the rhythm. I was entranced as he did a spin for the ending and lowered to the floor. The song faded away and the next song started. He opened his eyes and turned around when he noticed me in the mirror.

‘Taeyong.’ even my name on his tongue sounded sweet.

‘Your dancing is beautiful.’ I told him.

He smiled. ‘But still not as beautiful as you, is it?’

‘Thank you.’ I laughed.

To me he’d always be more beautiful.

He told me that he used to go there to practice dancing on holidays, after he found out that the practice rooms were never locked. I was going to leave to let him practice but he asked me to stay with him. And I did. We just ended up lying on the floor together listening to songs. I was dozing off when I felt his kiss on my cheek. I forced my eyes open. He was leaning over me, his deep brown eyes staring down at me. They were captivating and it was hard to look into them for long.

‘What is it?’ I asked closing my eyes.

He kissed me again. On the lips.

‘You scare me.’ he was whispering against my lips and it tingled. I tried sitting up but he held me down.

‘What?’ I stared at the ceiling.

He laid on his back. ‘It’s just you.’

It was covered in light grey wallpaper.

‘What about me?’ I didn’t actually want to know.

What I never noticed were the small butterflies drawn in silver.

I tried counting them. I felt his finger on my cheek. He turned my head towards him. No matter how many times I saw him, his beauty always amazed me.

‘I’m scared that you might stop loving me.’ He trailed circles on my cheeks. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. It was too soft and it only confused me.

‘I’m also scared that you might never stop loving me.’

I laughed. He didn’t even smile.

‘Well, what do you want me to do?’

He sighed and looked up. ‘I don’t know.’

This time, I turned him towards me.

‘Do you want me to stop loving you?’

He moved closer and kissed me. Why did he have to be so sweet?

‘Never.’

I didn’t want to stop loving him. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to hold onto him no matter what. I wanted to do everything to make him stay by be. But at some point rather than being happy when I saw him, my heart hurt. Rather than wanting to see him all the time, I was scared to see him. But even then i wanted him to be there. But he wasn’t there. Even when he was there, he wasn’t. I didn’t feel him. Even if he was right next to me, I missed him. Even if he was kissing me, it hurt. Even if he was touching me, even if I had him inside me, I didn’t feel him. I couldn’t hear his voice, I couldn’t feel his touches. All I did was hurt and miss him over and over. It was endless cycle of me trying to feel him, love him yet ending up being hurt. I felt lonely. As if I was all alone. He could be holding my hand, kissing my lips, lying next to me and yet I yearned for him. It was a desire that was never fulfilled. Maybe it was my fault. No matter how much I tried telling myself otherwise, I wanted the impossible.

His love. I wanted him to love me just as much I did. I wanted him to miss me like I missed him. I wanted him to be mine just as much as I was his.

But after hurting for a year I was tired. Not of him; I could never get tired of him. I was tired of hurting and missing him and wanting things I could not have. I was tired of hearing my friends telling me to leave him. I was tired of hearing stories about me at college. I was tired of lying to myself that I’d be happy with him. I was tired of telling myself that eventually it’ll be okay. And most of all, I was tired of giving myself false hope that he’d someday love me back.

I wasn’t tired of him, I was just tired of my one sided love.

And I decided I had to stop.

It was a Saturday and I was woken up by the ringing phone. I was too drowsy to check the caller ID.

‘Hello?’ I mumbled.

'Taeyong.' His voice alone could make me breathless.

‘I’m outside. Can you come out?’

I checked the time on the phone. 6:30 Am. On a Saturday.

‘Why?’ I asked.

I hadn’t seen him for a week and I missed him like crazy. But half of me didn’t want to go out.

‘Please?’

Fifteen minutes later, I was outside. He was there, sitting on the low wall his legs cross legged. He had headphones in, immersed in the music; his eyes closed looking like a model posing for a photo-shoot. I wanted to take pictures of him so I can keep them forever. Everything he does, I wanted to hold onto forever. But then it dawned on me that I never took a picture of him. I took out my phone to snap a picture while he was sitting there. I opened the camera and looked at the phone to see him looking at me. I quickly pushed it in my bag. He jumped off and walked towards me. I couldn’t help but thinking about how I needed to stop seeing him. And I also couldn’t imagine how I’d live without him. I couldn’t imagine not seeing him. His smile, his face. I couldn’t imagine not feeling him. His touch, his kisses-

‘Here.’ He held out a flower. A red camellia.

‘Why are you giving it to me?’

‘Cause you’re special.’

I took it from him.

‘Liar.’

He laughed.

‘Think what you want, baby.’

He was being really quiet and we had been walking for almost twenty minutes. I liked walking with him. But the early morning breeze was chilly. I didn’t think of bringing a jacket and I was regretting it.

‘Did you wake me up this early to go for a walk with you?’ I asked.

He laughed. ‘Be patient.’

He took me to a small couple café. The high beige walls with the mahogany furniture gave the whole place a neutral comfortable feel. I was surprised the place even opened that early. And I was more surprised that there were people there. I couldn’t understand how people could wake up that early. It was the first time I’d gone there. But it definitely wasn’t his first time because a small petite waitress scurried over with a wide smile and greeted him. The short uniform she was wearing made her look even cuter. Her name tag read ‘Sue’. She escorted us to a table at the very back near the floor-to-ceiling window and asked him if he wanted his usual. I felt a tinge of jealousy wondering how many others he had brought there. But then she looked at him and said. ‘So you finally brought your special friend?’ and winked. He smiled and nodded.

‘What is she talking about?’ I asked her when she left with our orders.

He raised his eyebrows. He does it to avoid answering questions.

I repeated the question. ‘What did she mean by special friend?’

‘It means you’re special.’

‘Ugh whatever.’

He reached to hold my hand and I folded them close to my chest. He rolled his eyes.

‘I always come here alone.’

‘You come to a couple café alone?’ that was surprising too.

‘I like the muffins here. Anyways, she always asks me when I’m bringing someone so I told her that when I find someone special I’ll bring them here.’

‘So, why me?’

He ignored me and looked outside. I hated that. I followed his gaze. The empty street was filmy in the morning fog. The small rays that were passing through thick trees shone the street in irregular patterns. I turned back to him.

‘Why me?’

‘Cause you’re you.’

‘Because I’m in love with you?’

That got his attention. He turned and was about to answer but was interrupted by Sue who came back with our orders. He ordered a caramel iced coffee and I ordered an espresso. And chocolate chip muffins. They really were heavenly. We ended up eating in silence.

‘You’re being really quiet.’ He said after a while.

‘So are you.’

‘Well, talk to me.’

‘Can’t you love me back?’ I blurted out.

‘Why?’ He looked like he regretted it the moment he asked that.

Cause it hurts. I wanted to scream.

‘You know what? We should…’

I was cut off by his lips. He leaned onto the table and kissed me.

‘Not now, baby.’

I pushed him away a little, flushing. He’d never kissed me in public and I noticed some people looking at us. It was then that I realized that he was taking me out on a date. I blushed harder knowing people would actually think we were a couple. It was just so unexpected I didn’t even think about it. I just thought he wanted me to try the muffins.

‘We’re on a date.’

He was holding my hand as we walked into the forest park. I used to go there a lot before they closed down the small playground in my neighborhood. After that the playground was my special place.

‘Yes, we are.’

‘Why?’

He looked at me.

‘Why do you always question stuff?’ I didn’t know why.

I let his hand drop and walked towards the huge oak tree in the park. I remembered going there with my story books and ending up watching children play or just falling asleep.

I sat under a shady spot. He dropped beside me.

The park was slowly filling with people. And children. I never liked children much but I always liked watching them play. I watched as a small boy helped another boy get up when he fell while running. Kids are so nice sometimes.

‘Taeyong.’

‘Yes?’

‘Is there anything you want?’ Yes, you.

‘No. Were you going to buy it for me?’

‘Yeah.’

How much does your love cost?

‘I’m fine with being here with you.’

We sat there and talked. It was almost noon when a girl our age approached us. She gave us two Polaroid pictures.

‘I was talking pictures of the park and you two looked like such a cute couple!’

My stomach turned. We weren’t really anything. He thanked her and she left. The photos were beautiful. In one picture he was looking at me and smiling. I was probably telling him about the time I tried climbing a tree and fell. He took that photo. The second photo is my favorite. I had my head on his shoulder and my eyes were closed but he was looking at me. And just then, in that small photo it looked like we were in love. It looked like he loved me.

And that is the only picture of him I have.

That afternoon, we took the bus to the amusement park. It was a three hour ride but I hadn’t gone there since I was a small kid and I was pretty excited about it. We had a lot of fun going on different rides. He’s always cheery and carefree but that day he was extra radiant. I stopped thinking about everything else and just savored being next to him. We bought matching t-shirts and cat-ear head bands. He looked adorable in an oversized pink shirt with fluffy pink ears. I had a green shirt and a green band. We went on lots of water rides he enjoyed, but I could see he didn’t enjoy the roller coaster as much as I did. I about it and he was sulking for a while. We had lunch at the restaurant in the park and just walked around for a while. Since it was a holiday the place was packed. We had to wait a whole hour to get near the haunted house. He had his eyes closed the whole time and I was laughing at him way too much to enjoy all the spooky stuff in there.

He suggested we ride the Ferris wheel. It was the biggest attraction in the park. It stood over 80metres giving a bird’s eye view of the whole park. I wasn’t the biggest fan of heights but I wanted to see the scenery. And it was also kind of romantic. I wanted to enjoy the date as much as I can.

It was worth it. I could see the different rides and cars and buses moving up the hill. It was amazing. The view was hauntingly beautiful. It was late evening and the whole park was lit up with colored lights. It was like being in the sky and staring down at stars down on earth. For a second I forgot I was alone.

‘Make a wish.’ His voice brought me back to reality. I looked up.

‘A wish?’

‘Yeah, when it goes to the top, make a wish. It’ll come true.’

I laughed. ‘Who said that?’

He gave a half smile. ‘Me.’

It was almost at the very top.

I closed my eyes linking my fingers together into the praying position.

‘You have to make a wish too.’

‘Of course.’

The cabin slowed down at the top.

‘I want to be happy.’ I didn’t realize I said it out loud.

I opened my eyes and saw he had his eyes closed; his face resting on his hands. He was smiling.

‘That’s your wish?’ My face reddened.

‘What did you wish for?’

‘From what I know, you’re not supposed to tell your wishes to other people.’

I rolled my eyes.

‘You probably didn’t even wish.’

‘I did. And maybe one day, I’ll tell you.’

On the way home, I kept thinking about how to tell him. In all honesty, I didn’t even know what I should tell. I don’t want to love you anymore? It hurts too much? I would hate to admit that so I kept quiet. we didn’t speak a word on the ride home. He walked me to my apartment.

‘Why are you being so quiet?’

‘I…’

I didn’t know which words to say.

‘Yeah? Tell me.’

‘I want to stop-‘

I stopped when I felt like his expression darkened, but it was back to normal in a second.

He looked at me and I couldn’t say another word. I was hoping he’d understand even if I didn’t say it.

‘Do you want me to leave?’

I sighed. ‘I don’t know.’

And then he smiled. He pulled me into a hug. I didn’t hug back. I couldn’t bring myself to touch him. His hands moved up and cupped my face. I closed my eyes. I felt his lips slightly on my forehead.

‘Tell me when you know, baby.’

And then he left.
 

He didn’t call me or text me. He never even looked at me when we passed each other at the hallways. It was like I never existed in his life. It hurt more than I thought, but I bared it. It’ll get better. I used to tell myself. I’d see him with other guys on campus and it made me sick to my stomach thinking how easy it was for him to replace me. And of course, my friends made sure to point it out to me all the time. They probably thought it’d help me get over him but it didn’t help at all. it just hurt more. Every time I saw him with someone else, it was suffocating. It felt like he himself was holding me under water and whenever I looked up to the surface, I’d see him looking at me reminding me that he’s the reason I’m drowning. And yet, I couldn’t stop loving him. I couldn’t stop missing him. I missed him like crazy. I’d wake up in the middle of the night yearning for him. I’d pick the phone a hundred times a day wanting to call him. When I pass by him, I’d hold back the urge to just hold him and kiss him. Feel him under my lips, my fingers. I needed him like crazy.

After almost two months, my friends were tired of me being heartbroken. I was ready to meet new people, they told me. And so I was dragged into useless blind dates. Week after week I had to meet up with strangers I couldn’t care less about.

It was after one disastrous date that I came home, tired and angry. I was ready to call my friends and shout at them for setting me up with a guy who sat and talked about how bad his ex-girlfriend treated him for an hour. I struggled to open the door with one hand, holding the ramen cup and the coke bottle in the other hand. The moment I walked in, I was frozen on the step. His familiar figure was sitting on the couch. I hadn’t even seen him for more than a month. His hair was jet black and longer but other than that he was the same. He looked divine with black hair. Even with his usual loose t-shirt and jeans he looked like an angel. He turned around and smiled. His smile was breathtaking as ever. My heart thundered in my chest. It was as if he never left. It was as if the days that I was hurting so much, the nights that I drank away trying to forget him never existed. I still love him. I realized. Even after all the time, I was still so deeply in love with him. The only thing I had forgotten over that time was just how much I loved him. All the time I spent hurt, I had forgotten to stop loving him.

‘Hey baby, how are you?’

I placed the plastic bag on the table and walked in front of him.

‘What are you doing here?’

He made a face. ‘Thanks for asking but well, I’m not that fine.’

I sat on the far end of the couch. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I missed you.’

I could smell him. Vanilla. The smell was overwhelming and I could feel my heart physically hurting. It felt hard to breathe.

‘Liar.’

‘You look amazing. How was the date?’

‘Did you come here to check how my date went?’

He shrugged. ‘Not really. But how was it?’

‘It was good.’ I hated saying that.

‘You like him?’

I nodded.

‘You guys dating?’

I tried getting up but he held my hand and pulled me down.

‘Please leave.’ It came out more as a plea when I wanted it to sound stronger. He held onto my hand and didn’t say a word.

‘I’m tired. Just go.’

‘You don’t mean that.’ I didn’t.

‘I don’t want to fight.’ I didn’t know why I said that because we never fought.

‘We never-‘

‘I know. Just leave.’

‘Why?

‘Because I don’t want you here. Just let me be.’

‘You don’t mean that either.’

But then I did. I was hurting more than I loved him.

‘I do. I really do. I can’t have you here. I can’t see you again. Just go. Please. It ing hurts so much.’

My voice quivered and I felt tears well up. I wanted to die. I pulled my hand from his grip and hurried to my room.

‘Is that your answer?’

I stopped, my hand on the door knob.

‘Do you know now?’

I turned to look at him.

He was so beautiful. And I loved him so much. If I were to write book about how much I loved him and the ocean was my ink, the ocean would run out before I fully explain it. And there I was, making the decision to leave the man I loved. The man I thought I couldn’t survive without. The man who wasn’t just my world, but rather my entire universe.

‘Yes.’ I smiled at him.

‘I want you to leave.’

I heard him slowly open the door to my room.

‘Taeyong?’ I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

He walked over and got into bed beside me. I wished he’d leave. I could already feel the tears threatening to fall. He kissed my forehead.

‘I really did miss you.’ He whispered.

The tears that I was struggling so hard to keep away poured out. I tried turning away from him but he hugged me. Uncontrollable sobs shook my body and for the first time in months it felt like I was breathing. I tried pushing him away but he was too strong.

‘I’m sorry.’ His words only made me cry harder. I fought with him trying to push him away but in the end I was too tired and let him hug me. I cried onto his chest and he kept saying ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. I wanted him to leave. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go to place where I’ll never have to see him. Somewhere so far away that I won’t even remember his scent anymore. Somewhere far away where I didn’t have to hurt to love.

When I woke up, he was gone. For some reason the bed felt emptier than usual. I sat up trying to recall the previous night. I felt dizzy and nauseous. His scent lingered on the sheet and I pulled up the blanket closer not wanting to get up. My whole body felt numb but there was a prickling pain in my chest and I knew soon enough I wouldn’t even be able to breathe. I took in a deep breath, drowning in the smell of vanilla and mint and felt the tears fall once more.

I didn’t understand why I was crying.

I didn’t understand why I missed him so much.

I didn’t understand why it had to be him.

And most of all, I didn’t understand why loving was so painful.

It was about a week later when I heard he was leaving. I had his number blocked but I received his text telling me that he was. I tried ignoring it. I didn’t think I was ready to see him once more. It was the night before he was going to leave. I walked in front of his house contemplating whether I should see him before he left or not. In the end I decided to see him. For the last time.

I knocked on the door hoping he wouldn’t be home and I could leave. But he was home.

Before I knew what was happening I was pulled into the house and his lips were on mine. He pushed me against the door and opened my mouth with his tongue. I felt heat pool in my stomach but instead of kissing him back, I froze. He must’ve noticed it because he broke the kiss but didn’t let me go.

I looked into his eyes. It was clouded with desire and I wanted to kiss them. He moved his hands to my face and leaned in hesitantly. I closed my eyes and let him kiss me gently. He was still sweet as ever. I opened my mouth and let him in, on his lower lip softly. It was dizzying and I held onto him to stop myself from falling. He moved one hand down my waist and under my shirt and it felt like an electric shock. The desire for him exploded within me. I kissed him harder pushing him backwards. He pulled me up and I wrapped my legs around him. He carried me into the bedroom and dropped me on the bed. The dim blue lights opposed the heat we were feeling. He leaned over me and I pulled him in for another kiss.

‘Taeyong.’

He murmured into my mouth, his voice deep and husky.

I broke the kiss and looked at him. God, I loved him so much.

I held his face close to me.

‘Take me.’

He insisted on walking me home. It was after 3am and he didn’t want me to walk home alone.

He kissed me for the last time on our doorstep, the place where he kissed me for the first time.

‘I love you so much.’ I told him.

‘I know.’

I smiled. That was enough.

‘Good bye, Yuta.’

He turned around to leave but stopped and held my hand.

‘Taeyong?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Remember the wish you made on the Ferris wheel?’

I nodded.

‘Well I want to tell you my wish.’

‘Tell me.’

‘I wished for you to be happy. Without me.’

I stood there and watched him disappear into the darkness. I thought I’d feel hurt but instead I felt numb.

The shirt I was wearing smelled of him. I walked in and got into bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

I dreamt of the boy I loved. And rainbows and vanilla.

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