You hold your drink up to your mouth and pop the straw in, nodding absent-mindedly to your chattering friend while your eyes travel all the way across the school lunch hall out of habit, landing on that familiar dash of blue.

Yoo Taeyang sits there behind the table, facing this way so that you were lucky enough to see his face. He suddenly smiles at the friend sitting directly opposite him, and your heart skips a beat when his eyes narrow almost to a close with the expression, dissolving into two dark lines curving towards the sky.  

Your eyes start to go dreamy. You can’t help it; you’ve had a crush on him since you met him on the first day of class, and now, you were both going to graduate high school at the end of the year.

You friend follows your gaze and rolls her eyes. She knew it was no use to interrupt you now; you weren’t yourself when you took your daily sneak peek stare at that particular popular boy in school.

All of a sudden, Taeyang’s eyes glance to the side and before you can react, they meet with your own. Your face instantly grows red and you look down quickly, from the straw for dear life since it is the only thing you are capable of right now.

He saw me he saw me oh my god what do I do now he saw me he saw me staring!!!!

You wait a whole ten seconds to be safe before carefully lifting your head up again. This time, even the tips of your ears grow aflame as you realize that Taeyang had not looked away from you, and all of a sudden it seems like there is no-one else in the crowded lunch hall, just you and him, looking at each other across rows and rows of other students.

Your eyes widen and you turn your head to the side in panic.

You do not see Taeyang smiling to himself on the other side of the hall and then shaking his head when he is asked for the reason for that small, special smile.

 

*

 

By the end of the day, you’ve almost forgotten the little incident at lunchtime. History class had dragged on forever, and you are only saved from falling asleep and knocking your forehead onto the desk when the school bell answers the prayers of every student around you. You give a small yawn, recovering from that hypnotizing lesson.

When your eyes open, standing in front of you is no other than the boy you’ve had a crush on for half a decade. You blink, not being able to comprehend why he is here, and fail to notice how soft his face had grown when he noticed the yawn-induced tears in your eyes.

“Y/N,” Taeyang called out to you in a low, gentle voice.

You continue to stare at him with wide eyes, but you notice the feeling of something that had swelled up and filled every corner of your chest.

“Can I borrow your textbook for a moment? I just need to check something quickly,” he explains.

You nod hastily, handing it over. Taeyang breaks into a smile brighter than the sun before taking it from you, fingers accidentally ghosting over the back of yours for a second.

Your chest is definitely going to explode any time now, you figure.

Only when Taeyang’s eyes have lowered to the textbook do you regain some of your sanity. Why did he ask you for the book? Even though it was likely he had forgotten to bring it today, you are positive there must be someone else whom he was emotionally as well as physically closer to. After all, he sat a whole three rows away from you in history class.

Your thoughts are interrupted when he gives the book back to you. You hold it to your chest, not daring to look up for the sake of your chest, and step forwards without looking at which direction you’re going.

“The door’s that way,” Taeyang reminds you. A hand instinctively comes up to push gently against the middle of your back, guiding you towards the door, and you make the conclusion that it is not your chest but your heart that is about to explode in the very near future.

 

*

 

In the short morning break where most students often spend their time inside the classroom, one group of friends have formed into a small circle in the corner of the room.

You are quietly reading a novel by your favourite author when a sudden round of laughter interrupts your thoughts. You turn your head to find five pair of eyes glancing at you, before turning back to smile towards the blue-haired boy leaning against the wall.

Confusion shows clearly all over your face.

Why did Taeyang’s friends laugh and then look at you? And why did they all then smile at Taeyang?

There is an answer at the back of your mind that you refuse to acknowledge, because it couldn’t possibly be true—

You lift your eyes from the book to the glittering boy once again standing in front of your desk. Even from a low angle, you can’t help but notice how handsome he is as ever.

“Do you like this author too?” Taeyang smiles, delighted. “How did you manage to find a hard copy? I thought they were all sold out years ago.”

“An older friend gave it to me,” you admit while shyly returning the smile. Somehow, looking back into his eyes is almost as difficult as looking directly at the sun.

He makes a sound of envy. “Could you, maybe, lend it to me some time? … It’s ok if you don't want to, I totally understand how precious it must be, but it would be great if could read it again holding it in my hands…” Taeyang looks at you with puppy eyes (your head is full of one sentence only—how does he do that??), and it takes all of your will to not bury your face in your hands and scream silently into it.

“No, of course!” You reply quickly, closing the book and handing it to him. “Here, I’ve already finished it before, I don’t have to keep reading this one.”

But Taeyang refuses. “No, you finish it first. Meanwhile, I’ll think of how I can thank you for being so nice to me.” He finishes with a wink.

Needless to say, this time you have to actively struggle to keep the scream silent inside your head.

 

*

 

You are still smiling when you get home because today, after school had ended, Taeyang had returned your book with the biggest smile you had ever seen and you two even chatted for a bit about the novel and other things.

You fall down onto your bed, wrapping both arms and legs around your oversized soft toy and squeeze it as tightly as possible, as if that could somehow make your racing heart calm down.

It doesn’t.

You sit back up and take the book out from your bag. Unable to resist the urge, you press a soft kiss to the front cover, growing immediately embarrassed after you pull back and proceed to throw the book away, towards the soft toy.

Something slips out when it lands. You unfold the piece of paper to reveal a strange combination of symbols, some which you had never seen before. You rotate the piece of paper left and right, your head turning along with it, but still have no clue what the pencil lines mean.

Maybe Taeyang had left it in here by accident? You decide to give it back to him when you see him the next day.

…

Your sun has not shone for the whole day, and it is making your heart cry in pain.

You do not know why Taeyang has seemed dejected the whole day; why he has not smiled, not even once, not even when you approach him to return the piece of paper.

“Are you ok?” You ask, worried being an understatement.

He doesn’t look at you at first, but then he notices what you are holding and his eyes widen.

You follow his gaze, holding it out to him. “Is this yours? I found it in the book you gave back to me yesterday.”

He still doesn’t say anything, just stares at it. You hastily apologize. “I’m sorry I didn't give it to you earlier, I couldn’t understand what it meant so I didn’t know it was so important to you…”

Taeyang grabs your hand suddenly, making the note slip from your fingers and fall to the ground. “What did you say?” Even though it was a question, it sounded like it was directed towards himself.

“I—“ You don’t get to finish because right then and there, after a whole day, the sun finally comes out from behind the clouds and you are once again captivated by Taeyang’s blinding smile. Smiling just for you.

“Thank you for giving this to me, but it’s not mine.” He picks up the note and puts it in your hands. “How long has it been since you’ve gone on tumblr, Y/N?”

With that, Taeyang turns around to leave, but not before flashing you another full-on smile, his eyes curving into crescent moons.

…

You get home feeling puzzled. Taeyang was right, you hadn’t been on for nearly a week, and it was not a surprise that he knows this since you two were mutuals.

But why does it even matter?

Something begins to take shape at the back of your mind while you open tumblr, not knowing why or what you are anticipating. A quick scroll of your dashboard reveals only photo posts from aesthetic blogs, so you decide to go straight to Taeyang’s page to find out.

Your eyes widen when you see the top post. Those strange symbols—they were part of a secret code! You excitedly lay the note flat in front of you and begin to decode each sentence, word by word.

After one line, you are blushing like mad.
After two lines, you realize why Taeyang had seemed so dejected.
By the end of the whole message, your hands are shaking with disbelief and anticipation, especially for what will be waiting for you tomorrow.

 

*

 

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey

You’ll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don’t take

My Y/N

Away

 

*

 

You have not been able to look at or even less talk to Taeyang properly today, blushing whenever he is in the same room and hoping he doesn’t notice as if that is even possible.

After failing to get any response other than a pair of red cheeks and darting eyes from you, Taeyang slips you a note.

I have dance training after school today. Can you come to the studio at 5?

You turn to where he is sitting, eyes fixated on you as if they are able to burn right through you. Your lips press into a thin line as butterflies create a tornado inside your stomach, and you nod, watching the live action of rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds once again, just like they had done yesterday.

…

You had not realised that the sky would grow dark so early in winter; you wrap your coat tighter around you as the sun sinks below the horizon, taking the last traces of warmth with it.

Almost making you startle, something heavy lands on your shoulders and you turn around to see Taeyang, your sun, your new source of warmth putting his own coat around you with an angelic smile.

You are too shy to say anything so you bite down on your bottom lip, eyes falling to the ground.

After a few moments of silence, two hands with beautiful, long fingers come into view as Taeyang messily tries to zip up the huge jacket. His thumb is warm when it touches your chin briefly, at the upper end of the zip. You feel the warmth travelling straight to your heart like a little fireball.

Then, the two of you stand there awkwardly; you feeling like a penguin and him shivering slightly from the cold.

“Y/N?” Taeyang tries.

You can hear the nervousness in his voice, so you muster up the courage to look back into his eyes.

You don’t know what your expression had looked like to him. You don’t even know how to describe what your own feelings were like when your eyes met. All you know is that, after he looked into your eyes, Taeyang had broken into a full, sizzling smile comprised of relief and joy before waving you goodbye.

 

*

 

You keep smoothing down the bottom of your top as you approach the cinema. This is all because you hadn’t known how to return Taeyang’s jacket to him—not wanting anyone at school seeing you with it (yet)—so you had somehow agreed to his proposal of returning it at the cinemas.

And also, his proposal of watching a movie together since you two were “there already, so might as well.”

You don’t know if Taeyang knows, but you are conflicted when you are with him. On the one hand, he is the biggest brush of your life, but on the other, you don’t dare admit that because it feels too good to be true. Somehow by not responding to his feelings and pretending to be composed, you think you can keep telling yourself this is just a dream and thus enjoy it without being scared of losing him.

It all seems like a good plan until he takes the jacket from you with one hand and locks the other one with your own, leading you into the cinema with a happy grin.

Your heart feels like it is coated with popping candy.

How on earth can you continue to stay calm?

Taeyang leads you up the stairs and turns left into the last row of seats, fingers glued to yours the entire time. All of a sudden, he gives a small gasp and you wonder what is wrong. He throws his jacket onto the seat and turns back towards you.

“Do you want popcorn?” he asks, eyes dark under the dim lights of the surroundings.

You take a deep breath before answering, trying not to get distracted by those eyes. “It’s ok, it’s too much trouble now…”

“No it isn’t.” He smiles, making a face of understanding.

Suddenly, completely unexpected for your already frantic heart, Taeyang grabs both of your shoulders to gently rotate you to the side, before sliding past you, almost every part of his body coming into contact with yours for a split second. You forget how to breathe.

“I’ll be right back,” he whispers, leaving you alone in the cinema like a red, shaken-up bottle of coke.

 

*

 

When Taeyang returns with the popcorn, he sits naturally on your left, putting the box between you two on the armrest.

The movie starts. It is an action movie you had wanted to watch for a long time, and after a few minutes of gluing your eyes to the screen while putting popcorn into your mouth non-stop, you start to believe that maybe you can survive today.

Everything is fine until, like all clichés, Taeyang’s fingers reach in the box the same time as you do and the sudden increase in intimacy nearly makes you jump up in your seat.

You quickly retrieve your hand, face burning and eternally grateful for the dim lighting. Scared of accidentally touching him again, you hold yourself back from eating popcorn for the next five minutes, deciding it was less pressure on your poor heart if Taeyang noticed this rather than another moment of popcorn intimacy.

You don’t even know why you are so nervous about it; it’s not like you haven’t held hands already.

(And your heart jumps a little every time it remembers that)

A few minutes later, you hear a sigh, then the popcorn is placed in your lap after an apology muttered under his breath.

You are overwhelmed with guilt.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean that!” You whisper in a rush.

Even though Taeyang’s face is half-hidden in the dark, you think you can still recognise the sadness covering it.

“Taeyang, please.” The thought of you hurting him makes you want to cry. “I’m so sorry I’ve been like this. It’s just…” Mixed feelings for him whirl around in your head, so fast that you cannot think straight anymore, let alone control what you are saying. “It’s just that, I’ve liked you for so long this is too good to be true and I really don’t know if I can trust that this isn’t just some dream and I’ll wake up one day and you won’t be like this anymore…” Your whisper trails off.

Taeyang stares at you. Slowly, his lips stretch wide and you turn your head to the right, not being able to look at the sun at such a close distance.

He lifts up an arm and your breath hitches, preparing for him to hug you. But he only reaches to take the popcorn box from you to put it back on the armrest.

You shift in your seat, not knowing if you are relieved or disappointed.

With your movement, you naturally lean away from the back of the chair for a second. When you come back again, an arm that had not been there before wraps itself around your shoulders, one hand coming up to tightly grasp your right.

You hear fireworks going off in your mind and struggle to concentrate on the movie for the next hour. Taeyang notices your tension. From his soothing pats on your shoulder and occasional squeezes, it’s clear that he also notices how hard you’re trying to get used to this.

Slowly, slowly, very slowly (but surely), you relax. The movie is exciting and funny enough to temporarily distract you, and you don’t even realize how you have naturally inched closer to the popcorn box, closer to Taeyang.

A wide shot of the setting appears on the screen and your mouth opens slightly in awe. “It’s s pretty,” you comment.

“Yes, you are,” Taeyang agrees.

You turn to look at him, the words blooming inside your brain whilst yet unprocessed.

Taeyang’s left hand reaches up to brush a strand of hair away from your eyes. Before you know it, his enlarged face comes into view, eyes dark and focused, drawing every fibre of you into them.

“You’re so pretty,” Taeyang repeats. “Y/N, you’re beautiful. You are my sunshine.”

You close your eyes. Soon after, something soft touches your lips, and fireworks explode behind your closed eyelids.

…

Taeyang draws back after an innocent kiss. Your eyes open to look at him and you witness his face lighting up at a distance so close you could probably count his eyelashes. “Don’t close them,” he whispers before leaning in again.

This time, your eyes stay connected while your lips do the same. If only time can be frozen still, you think it wouldn’t be bad to stay like this for a few eternities.

…

Then you feel something wet and hot slide across your lips, and your eyes flash close in embarrassment simultaneously as something breaks loose in your brain.

You feel Taeyang smiling against your lips. His hand is still on your back and you are surrounded by his unique, attractive scent. He stops teasing you, instead pecks your lips one, two, three more times before relaxing back into the seat.

With his right hand, Taeyang guides your head into the crook of his neck.

You stay there and listen to his frantic heartbeat, echoing your own.

You are finally together with your sunshine.