Soft. That was the thought that ran through Yerim’s mind. Sooyoung’s lips were so soft.

“Hmm, are you sure you’ve never kissed anyone before?” Sooyoung asked as she pulled back, but only slightly. “That was certainly something.”

“A good something?” Yerim huffed, breathless from the kiss. Sooyoung smiled, and it was beautiful.

“Definitely a good something.”

Yerim frowned as the memory surfaced in her mind unbidden. She hated that she remembered so vividly. She hated that it made her heart flutter and ache at the same time. She hated that Sooyoung could make her feel things even when she wasn’t there.

With a shake of her head, Yerim tried to return her focus to the math worksheet she was working on.

“You know, there’s something better than kissing girls,” Sooyoung murmured against Yerim’s lips.

“Really?” Yerim replied. She couldn’t imagine something better than the bliss she felt whenever Sooyoung’s lips enveloped her own.

“Mhmm,” Sooyoung hummed in response, her nails lightly raking against the skin exposed by Yerim’s cropped top, causing the younger girl to shiver. “Having with a girl is way more amazing. If you’re ready, I’m willing to show you.”

Yerim shut her eyes tightly, trying to block out the memories. She tried not to think about the feeling of Sooyoung’s smooth skin grazing her own. She tried not to think about the image of Sooyoung’s smoldering stare as she looked up from between Yerim’s legs. She tried not to think about the way it had felt to lay in bed with Sooyoung after that first intense session of lovemaking.

Her scoff came out choked and Yerim felt tears sting her eyes as she reminded herself to stop being foolish. There had been no love in the actions of that night—at least, not from Sooyoung’s end.

“Is it true?” Yerim asked, trying to keep her voice from trembling.

“Is what true, Yerim? You have to be more specific,” Sooyoung said with an air of indifference. She turned, as if to walk away, but Yerim grabbed her arm and pulled her back. Her eyes were ablaze as they met Sooyoung’s.

“Are you going on a date?” Yerim demanded, harsher this time.

“Yeah, I am. So what?” Sooyoung shrugged.

“So what? How can you say that? Do I need to remind you whose bed you were in two nights ago? And who was in yours the night before that, and over the weekend, and several nights before that?”

“Okay, so we’ve ed a few times. That doesn’t mean anything.”

“That doesn’t mean anything?” Yerim echoed robotically, feeling hollow all of a sudden.

“You were curious about being with girls so I showed you. And yeah, I’ll admit I liked it. But that doesn’t make you my girlfriend or anything. I can date whoever I want.”

“Okay, Sooyoung.”

Yerim hadn’t realized she was crying until a tear drop hit her paper.

“ you, Sooyoung,” she growled to herself. She wasn’t sure who she was angrier at—Sooyoung for being a manipulative, opportunistic , or herself for being so naive and giving herself up so easily. But what made her the angriest wasn’t the fact that Sooyoung had used her. No, what made her the angriest was that Sooyoung had fooled her completely. Was it really possible for someone to be such a good actress? Despite herself, Yerim refused to believe that the nights they had spent together meant nothing to Sooyoung. But Yerim didn’t need her own wishful thinking. What she needed were answers, and she was sure as hell going to get them.

Before she could stop herself, Yerim stood up from her desk and grabbed her keys, walking out of the apartment with determined steps.

***

The bar was pleasantly noisy, and the pool table looked just as tempting as it had the last time she’d seen it. Sooyoung winced internally, remembering exactly what had happened the last time she’d been there.

“You’re never going to hit anything if you play like that,” Yerim chuckled as Sooyoung sloppily hit the cue ball, barely pushing it forward and clearly without any direction. Sooyoung turned to the younger girl with an annoyed huff.

“If you’re such an expert, why don’t you teach me?” Sooyoung challenged. Yerim smiled as if she’d been awaiting the invitation.

“Gladly,” Yerim purred, setting her own cue stick aside and making her way over to the brunette. Sooyoung had never seen the younger girl smirk like that and it sent a spark of want through her. With gentle but purposeful touches, Yerim began adjusting Sooyoung’s posture. It took all of Sooyoung’s strength not to get visibly flustered as she was bent over the pool table with Yerim’s body pressed against her back. She could faintly hear the girl explaining something as she shifted Sooyoung’s hand placement, but Sooyoung could only make out the blood roaring in her ears. She didn’t tune back in until Yerim was saying, “And then you just swing.”

And so she did. With Yerim’s guidance, Sooyoung swung her cue stick and it made contact with a satisfying smack, sending the cue ball rolling forward to pot a striped ball at the other end of the table. Sooyoung turned her head to give Yerim a surprised look, but she only grew more surprised at the way that Yerim was staring at her. The blonde’s eyes were dark, and her lips parted as they captured Sooyoung’s. Yerim was unexpectedly bold today and, boy, did Sooyoung get by that.

“Whoa,” Sooyoung breathed out when they parted. “What was that for?”

“That,” Yerim answered, an odd look in her eyes, “is the only thing keeping me sane enough not to you senseless on this pool table right now.”

And all of a sudden, that was exactly what Sooyoung wanted. She now realized what that look in Yerim’s eyes was—the younger girl was hungry. Sooyoung swallowed, feeling the burn of desire sear down her body.

“You know, this place is closed to the public for another hour. We have time.” No more words needed to be exchanged as Sooyoung allowed her lips to be claimed by the younger girl once more before they carried out their sinful fantasy atop that poor pool table.

“Sooyoung? Earth to Sooyoung.” A hand waving in front of her face snapped Sooyoung back to the present and away from the lewd memory that had resurfaced in startling high definition. Remembering where she was and who she was with, Sooyoung felt a blush crawl up to her cheeks. She offered the boy in front of her a sheepish smile.

“I’m sorry, Sungjae. I zoned out for a second there,” Sooyoung apologized, her smile becoming saccharine. “What were you saying?”

“I was just asking if you wanted to play. You were staring pretty intensely at that pool table,” Sungjae teased lightheartedly. Sooyoung tried not to let the smile drop from her face.

“Uh, no. Thank you, but I’m not very good at pool,” she replied, once again pushing aside the memories fighting to be noticed.

“Well, I could teach you if you’d like. I’m not the best, but I’m decent.” Sungjae’s smile was boyishly handsome and his offer was sweet. Sooyoung should have been swooning over him. So why wasn’t she?

“M-Maybe later, okay? How about we get some drinks and play darts for now?”

“Your wish is my command.” There was that smile again but, again, Sooyoung didn’t feel the reaction she knew she should. She wordlessly followed Sungjae over to an empty table by the dart board, telling him what she wanted to drink before she sat down and he left to order the drinks. Left alone, Sooyoung’s mind once again began to wander to places she didn’t want it to.

“Sooyoung?” Yerim whispered one night as they lay in bed together, their bodies a tangle of limbs.

“Hmm?” Sooyoung hummed in response as her hands combed through Yerim’s hair.

“How did you know you liked girls? Like how did you really know?” Sooyoung’s hands froze halfway through Yerim’s blond locks. She could feel the younger girl’s heart speed up out of nervousness. “I-I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. It’s just—”

“Yerim.” Sooyoung’s voice was soft when she cut Yerim off.

“Y-Yes?” Yerim stammered.

“It’s okay,” Sooyoung breathed out. “It’s just that no one ever really asked me before and I’m not sure I really have an answer.”

“Wait, you’re not sure?” Sooyoung shook her head, her cheek grazing the crown of Yerim’s head.

“Emotions aren’t black and white, you know, and I’m not very good at reading my own.” Sooyoung chuckled at herself, but it sounded strained even to her own ears. “But to be completely honest, what I first noticed was that girls made me confused. I didn’t just want to be friends, I wanted something more than that, but I still wasn’t quite sure what that was. And then there was this one party.

“There was spin the bottle, of course, and I had enough alcohol in my system to be bold but not enough to get drunk. So when the bottle landed on this random girl, I didn’t even hesitate. I had been focused on her the whole game anyway. I had wanted the bottle to land on her because, for some reason I couldn’t explain to myself, I desperately wanted to kiss her. And I did not hold back. It wasn’t until the others started getting loud and annoying that I realized that we had been kissing way longer than necessary. That was when I admitted to myself that I had liked it, and I realized that it wasn’t just about her—it was about girls in general.”

“Oh.” A beat of silence.

“Yerimmie, why are you asking?” Sooyoung’s chest felt tight as she forced the question out.

“I’m just trying to work through my feelings. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you and the, uh, stuff that we’ve done. But I’m not sure if I’d feel the same way with someone else.” Sooyoung suppressed the shiver that threatened to roll through her as a coldness seeped into her.

“I think you feel that way because you’ve only tried with me. Maybe you need to get with some other girls before you decide on your feelings.” Sooyoung struggled to keep her voice calm but she somehow didn’t slip up. Yerim lifted her head from Sooyoung’s chest, giving the older girl a curious look.

“Do you really think so? You think I need to see other girls to figure this out?”

“Uh-huh. To be sure.” There was something odd in Sooyoung’s voice, just like there was something odd in Yerim’s eyes. But neither girl asked what that something was, instead opting to ignore the unfamiliar tension they now felt as they settled back into their previous position.

Sooyoung could have sworn she heard Yerim whisper an “Okay” but she couldn’t be sure.

“Sooyoung? Sooyoung, are you okay?” Sungjae’s voice brought Sooyoung back to reality. She hadn’t realized it but her hands had balled into fists, the skin on her knuckles pulled taut. Her jaw was hurting and she realized that she’d been gritting her teeth painfully. It took her a moment to register the worried expression of the boy standing in front of her.

“Oh, Sungjae. I didn’t notice when you got back,” Sooyoung said in the calmest tone she could muster.

“Yeah, clearly you didn’t notice anything except whatever was going on in your head.” Sungjae set the drinks down on the table and took a seat, fixing Sooyoung with a concerned expression. “Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.” Sooyoung offered an apologetic smile. “I just have a lot on my mind, that’s all. I’m sorry that I’m letting it affect our date.”

“It’s fine. We all have things going on in our lives.” Sungjae tilted his head, looking almost like a puppy. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Thank you for the offer, seriously, but I’m okay.” Besides, Sooyoung thought, when I tried talking about it before, it didn’t go so well. She winced internally, recalling the uncomfortable conversation.

“What did you say to Yerim?” Joohyun demanded as she stormed over to where Sooyoung was lounging around with her friends. The younger girl and her friends looked up, startled.

“Joohyun, hey. What are you talking about?” Sooyoung asked in confusion.

“Do not play dumb with me, Sooyoung,” Joohyun said in a warning tone as she took a threatening step towards the younger girl.

“Whoa there, Joohyun. I think you should calm down,” Soojung spoke up. She stepped between Sooyoung and Joohyun, holding her arms out as if to keep the older girl at bay. Joohyun completely ignored her, keeping her eyes locked on Sooyoung’s.

“I got a text from Saeron asking if Yerim was okay. She didn’t show up to her classes all day. And then Taeyeon called. She told me to talk to you.”

“Why would Sooyoung have anything to do with your sister? They aren’t even friends,” Nayeon said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Guys, could you please just give us a minute to talk? Alone.” It was more of a demand than a request, but Sooyoung’s eyes were silently pleading as she turned to her friends. “Please. I’ll catch up with you in a few.”

“Don’t take too long,” Nayeon told her. Soojung merely offered Sooyoung a long look before turning to leave with Nayeon. Once they were out of earshot, Sooyoung looked back to Joohyun.

“What’s wrong with Yerim?” Sooyoung asked.

“That’s what I would like to know. Taeyeon said Yerim called her in tears.” The anger in Joohyun’s voice was palpable. “She couldn’t tell exactly what was wrong because Yerim wasn’t making much sense, but your name was mentioned. What have you done?”

“I haven’t done anything to her.”

“I can hear the uneasiness in your voice.” Joohyun’s eyes were dark, dangerous, and Sooyoung wanted to look away but she found that she couldn’t. “I know you mean a lot to her, but judging by what Nayeon said, she doesn’t mean as much to you.”

“That isn’t true.”

“Then why are you hiding your relationship with her? Ashamed to be taking advantage of someone young and naive?”

“I am not taking advantage of her and we are not in a relationship.”

“Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?” To that, Sooyoung had no response. Joohyun shook her head. “I warned her about you, but she wouldn’t listen. She assured me you wouldn’t hurt her. But you did, didn’t you?”

“I have a date,” Sooyoung squeaked, so quietly that Joohyun thought she had misheard.

“I’m sorry, you have a what?!” Joohyun demanded, her eyebrows shooting up. Sooyoung took a deep breath.

“I’m going on a date tonight. Yerim found out yesterday. She asked me about it and she… well, she didn’t seem to like it.” Joohyun fixed the younger girl with an incredulous look, flames flickering in her irises.

“You really are dense, Sooyoung,” Joohyun scoffed.

“What do you—?”

“Look, I don’t have time to explain your own stupidity to you. But I’m telling you right now that you’d better fix this. You need to talk to Yerim, and that isn’t a suggestion, it’s an order. Fix this, Sooyoung—” A blood-chilling glare. “—or I’ll make sure you regret ever messing around with Yerim in the first place.”

“Sooyoung? Are you sure you’re alright? Do you want me to take you home?” Sungjae’s voice cut through Sooyoung’s memories once again. She shook her head slightly, as if trying to get the plaguing thoughts out of her mind.

“Actually, I’m here to take Sooyoung home myself,” another voice interrupted before Sooyoung could answer and, for a moment, she thought that she was officially losing it. The voice that had been haunting Sooyoung was suddenly speaking from outside her head, but that couldn’t be right. The surprise on Sungjae’s face, however, indicated to Sooyoung that she wasn’t just imagining that voice. Sooyoung turned around, only to be met with the dark eyes that she both missed and dreaded.

“Oh, Yerim, hello,” Sungjae greeted, flashing a slightly awkward but nonetheless attractive smile. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Sooyoung,” was all Yerim said, completely disregarding the boy. She had only spoken one word, but Sooyoung had never felt that her own name held more meaning than it did in that moment.

“I’m sorry, Sungjae,” Sooyoung found herself saying, not sure when her brain had authorized the action. “I should go with Yerim. I promise I’ll make it up to you. And the drinks are on me.”

“Oh, okay then… Get home safely you two,” Sungjae said as Sooyoung stood, leaving a few bills on the table next to her untouched drink. She thanked Sungjae and Yerim offered him a curt nod before the two of them made their way out of the bar. The walk to Yerim’s car was chillingly silent. Sooyoung didn’t like it one bit but she didn’t dare say a word. So she wordlessly climbed into the passenger seat when Yerim opened the door for her, eyes dark as obsidian. By the time Yerim had gone around the car and climbed into the driver’s seat, Sooyoung had gathered enough courage to speak.

“Yerim, look—” The younger girl put her hand up to cut Sooyoung off, shaking her head slightly.

“Not here. I’m going to take you home and we’re gonna go in and talk.” It wasn’t a request nor a suggestion. It was a definite statement, and Sooyoung found that she was unable to argue the way she normally would. So she sank into her seat and pressed her lips together, letting silence engulf them once again.

***

By the time the girls reached Sooyoung’s apartment, the older girl was about to explode from the building tension. She hastily let them in and they both made their way to the small couch, although neither of them sat.

“Yerim, listen—” Sooyoung started. Again, the younger girl stopped her.

“No, Sooyoung. You listen. You make absolutely no sense. I really don’t get the game you’re playing but I want no part of it. I am not a toy to be played with,” Yerim said in a deadly tone. Sooyoung’s eyebrows shot up.

“Me? Play with you? When did I ever do that?”

“Are you seriously asking me that question? Do I need to remind you that I just picked you up from a date?”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Sooyoung’s voice was rising now to match Yerim’s biting tone, both of their eyes ablaze.

“You do not get to me for a month and make me believe it means something and then toss me aside when a new opportunity arises! That isn’t how it works, Sooyoung!”

“Me? What about you? You’re the one who made me believe in something that was nothing more than an experiment!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I know I was just your ticket to finding out what it’s like to be with a girl. Well guess what, I don’t want to be your phase! I don’t want to be tried out like clothes and I don’t want to be part of your little experiment!” Sooyoung choked on her words, tears beginning to blur her vision, but she forced herself to finish. “I’m really falling for you and I will not put myself through a relationship that isn’t even real.”

There was a long stretch of silence. A relentless staring contest. A harsh tension in the air.

“God you're such a ing idiot,” Yerim suddenly spoke, ending the quiet. Sooyoung had no time to question this statement because suddenly there were a pair of lips smothering her own and hands cupping her face to keep her in place. She wanted to pull away or protest or do anything to stop this, but it was Yerim and there was no way she could resist Yerim’s kiss. She could feel herself melting against the younger girl, her lips moving to reciprocate the kiss. It was passionate and angry and rough, but somehow still laced with a sweet softness and delicious desire.

It took Sooyoung several moments to finally regain her wits, and when she finally did, she stumbled back and effectively broke the kiss. However, Yerim’s hands were still on either side of her face and the younger girl was unwilling to let Sooyoung move too far away. In fact, barely any space had been created at all, only enough for their gazes to meet.

“Yerim, what…?” Sooyoung started breathlessly but was unable to finish the thought. The younger girl shook her head with a soft chuckle, her thumb running along Sooyoung’s lower lip.

“I can’t believe you’d honestly believe that I didn’t want to be with you, that you were nothing more than a passing pleasure.”

“But… but all your questions about girls, all your uncertainty about your uality…”

“I can’t pretend that I’m not confused. Everything in terms of uality has so much grey area that I’m not quite sure where I fit into it all, though I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. But, Sooyoung.” Yerims eyes were glassy with tears but she smiled softly at Sooyoung. “It doesn’t matter if I like girls as a whole or not. It doesn’t matter if I’m bi or pan or something else. What matters is that I like being with you. I’m happy when I’m with you, but I don’t want to share that with anyone else. I want to know that I mean as much to you as you do to me. I can figure out the rest as I go, but I’m positive about my feelings for you.”

“I love you,” Sooyoung suddenly blurted. Warmth rushed to her cheeks as Yerim stared at her with wide eyes. “I-I mean… I know I didn’t act like it and I’ve been an oblivious jerk lately. But I was scared because I was developing such strong feelings for you and I didn’t think… I mean, I didn’t know… I-I thought—”

“You thought I didn’t feel the same,” Yerim finished for her. Sooyoung nodded.

“I was afraid to get hurt and didn’t even want to entertain the idea that my feelings might be returned.”

“But they are.” Yerim’s eyes searched Sooyoung’s as she took a deep breath. “Sooyoung, I love you. I really do. But I’m tired of all the grey areas and not knowing where I stand. Can we please stop confusing each other and make this official? Will you be my girlfriend?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Sooyoung smiled, leaning in to steal another kiss from the younger girl. And for the first time in a long time, there was no confusion. There was just a clear understanding now that they were both idiots, but they were idiots in love.