The 4 AM thoughts
4 AM
I don’t know who I am anymore.
On the other hand, I exactly know what people want me to be; successful but humble, empathetic but not clingy, friendly but not sassy, out-going but still reserved and mentally stable. They want me to be happy and they claim that they let me decide what I want to do. Is that really the truth? I don’t think so.
They lock me up in a cage while they keep repeating like a mantra that it’s just for my own sake. That they want me to be healthy, happy and balanced. They want me to have a perfect life. They want me to find my true passion and walk my own path. Yet, they are the ones who make me turn left when I want to go right. Who don’t want me to try and keep going amidst the life-threatening sandstorm. They want me to be unique, peculiar, one of a kind. Yet, they are the ones who make me stand on the shelf beside doll-like people who are just like me. They want me to find what I want to do but they are the ones who choose it for me.
I keep disappearing day by day. I’m like the moon that only shines through the night; that’s when I’m me. That’s the only time when I can be with my own thoughts, my own dreams and own feelings. Even if my imagination is running wild, at least that’s my own, not a fake copy. They see me during the day, of course, I’m still up there on the sky but what is important is hidden. People don’t even look for the moon throughout the day. They look for the sun – the bright, warming sun. That’s why they miss out on the tears that I shed at night while I cry myself to sleep because I’m alone. I’m alone, terrified and scared. I’m afraid of the void, loneliness and sanity. I’m afraid of myself, I’m afraid of facing my feelings. I’m afraid of facing my demons, just to realise that they are within me. No matter how hard I try, they were, they are and they will always be with me. They are a part of me, I am a part of them.
I’m afraid that my demons are consuming my human self – the side that I really am. My human self. The one that should be smiling, giggling, dreaming and not counting days until the next thing that I should be waiting for because I should appreciate every single day and not wait for anything.
However, there’s a difference between the boy that I am currently and the one that I should be. It’s not the same, maybe it never will be. How could it be when everyone wants something different from me?
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