~1~

You can say my life ended in eighth grade. Who knew that six simple words would be the start of my end?

“I swear I’m not gay,” I said to my friend in math class. It’s been an ongoing joke with my friends that I was gay because of how touchy and affectionate I was with only girls.

“You sure?” She asked as she laughed. “You were all over that girl!”

“Is it wrong to think that a girl is pretty? I think you’re pretty cute, Eunha, but that doesn’t mean I’m gay for you,” I retorted.

“Aw that’s sweet, I was just messing with you,” Eunha said as she turned back around to talk to someone else.

For some reason, at that exact point in time, a person’s face popped up in my head. A girl. I subconsciously turn to Yerin, who was next to me and uttered the one goddamn phrase.

“I think I might be gay,” The words slipped out and Yerin slapped the table in response. My heart pumped with anxiety, why did I say that?

“Holy ,” She laughed.

“What?” Eunha said as she heard the commotion.

“Nothing!” I said quickly. “I just scared Yerin on accident.”

“Be careful, that sounded like it hurt,” Eunha said. “Thank goodness we have a free period today, the teacher would’ve went off on you two.”

“Thank god,” Yerin said as she laughed.

“I’ll be right back, I need to go to the office real quick. Forgot about giving something to the office lady.” Eunha said as she got up. As soon as she exited the room, Yerin turned towards me. “So who is the girl?”

“Son Chaeyoung,” I told her. Why I was telling her was beyond me. My heart kept pumping with adrenaline and my mouth just continued to move.

“Whoa, how did you fall in love? What do you like about her?” Yerin said. “I can try to see if she’s interested.”

Yerin was friends with a lot of people from her violin school, and one of them was Chaeyoung, who played viola.

“I don’t know though,” I said. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was love or just admiration.

“Ok, do you ever just find yourself looking at her?” Yerin asked.

“Yes,” I said with no hesitation, it’s hard not to look at Chaeyoung. She was just too cute.

“Did you ever have an urge to see her?” Yerin asked.

I wasn’t sure. “I just feel kind of anxious, but whenever I see her it goes away,”

“Do you ever just want to be with her?”

“I mean I leave you guys to sort out orchestra music with her. She’s really hectic about that.” I replied.

“Guess what?” Yerin said.

“What? How could you judge that I like her from just asking me those questions? I just want to be friends with her, that’s all.” I said. I had to repeat that I wanted to be her friend to convince myself that these feelings were nothing more than that.

“You’re right, I can’t judge our feelings off questions, but you’ve been smiling this whole time talking about her,” Yerin said. “Plus your ears are red.”

I realized that I was indeed smiling. “Oh ,” I said.

“Dude! That’s so cute!” Yerin said as she slapped my shoulder.

“Shut up!” I said as Eunha entered the room.

“Did you guys miss me?” Eunha said as she sat down.

“Nope,” Yerin said.

Eunha gave her a slight shove. “Bully,”

At this point,less I was kind of tuning them out. It just hit me, Yerin accepted me right away. She wasn’t even pressuring me to tell all of our other friends, she accepted me and kept quiet about it. Maybe others were like this too.

We had lunch next; Yerin and I came from orchestra. Chaeyoung decided not to stay to sort music today, as her friends, mostly Sana, dragged her to lunch with them.

Chaeyoung sat with Mina, Momo, and Sana (the Japanese trio) because their other friends, Nayoung and Jeongyeon, had different lunch periods. They were all in orchestra so people stayed away from them because they were labeled the “pretty nerds” and no one at this school likes nerds, even if they were pretty. I didn’t mind though, Chaeyoung fewer people around her so it was easier to see her from a couple tables down. Mina played violin, Momo played cello and Sana played viola. They were all exceptional—that’s probably why they were all friends.

“I see you,” Yerin said softly into my ears.

“Shut up, after math, I couldn’t take my eyes off her because of you,” I said.

Yerin only smiled at me.

“Wipe that smile off your face,” I said. “It’s creepy.”

“Fine, fine,” Yerin said. “Oh, here they come.”

I turned and saw Yuju and Sowon come in at once.

“I’m going to tell them,” I said with confidence.

“Oh wow, so bold,” Yerin said. “Go for it,”

“Sorry we took so long,” Sowon said. “Yuju forgot her book so we had to go back and get it.”

“You don’t understand, it’s such a good book.” Yuju said as she sat down.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sowon said as she sat down. “Guys, the testing for the academy is coming up!”

“Stop,” Yerin said. “I’m getting stressed!”

“Sinb and Yerin, you two are testing for the academy for STEM, right?” Yuju asked.

“Yep!” Yerin said.

“You see, I love science and math! But I have absolutely no interest in technology or engineering.” I said.

“That’s going to be tough then, that academy is for kids who want to be engineers. Are you still going to take it?” Sowon asked.

“Yeah, the “gifted” program isn’t as good as the STEM program, and I want a challenge. Plus my siblings are also testing for it, so I’ll have no choice but to try.” I sighed.

“You’re testing for the music academy right?” Yerin asked Yuju.

“Yep!” Yuju said.

“For singing right?”

“And piano, and oboe,” Yuju added.

“That’ll be fun,” I said. “I heard that Mina and Chaeyoung were also going to test,”

“Yeah! I hope we all make it!” Yuju said.

“We’ll miss you,” Sowon said. “We need to hang out a lot!”

“You’re not going for any academy right?” Yerin turned to Sowon.

“Nope, I want to try everything,” Sowon said. “I don’t want to be trapped into something I’m not interested in.”

“You could always drop out,” I suggested.

“Then why would I waste time taking the test?” She said.

“Girl, you’re like the smartest girl in our group of friends. Why not try the gifted program?” Yerin said.

“That school is just work, I want to have fun in high school. I don’t want to be bombarded with college course classes. Also, Eunha will be lonely in the normal classes. Plus, Sana and Momo are coming to the same school as us.” Sowon said.

“Nayoung and Jeongyeon are going to a different school,” I said. “It’s kind of sad, we finally all became friends…”

“Stop thinking about that, we still have a whole half year before we leave! Plus, we all have each others’ numbers,” Yuju said.

“I guess,” I said. “It’s still sad.”

“Guys, so like, my sister she came out to us yesterday,” Sowon abruptly changed the topic. “And like, my parents kind of got mad, they got over it, but like it made me mad. Like how could you get mad at someone who had to muster up their courage and tell you something like that?” Sowon said.

“Came out as is, lesbian came out?” Yuju asked.

“Yep,”

“You know, no offense, but your parents need to chill out! They should be happy that their daughter accepted herself and trusted them enough to tell them.” Yuju said. “I’m proud of her, mad respect.”

“Good for her!” Yerin said. “Tell her to ignore her parents, they’ll get over it,”

“Your sister is lesbian?” I said. “Wanna hook me up?”

Yuju and Sowon looked at me, Yerin was trying not to laugh.

“I’m kidding about your sister, but I think I might be gay,” I said.

“That was the smoothest way to come out,” Yuju laughed.

“I’m impressed and so proud,” Sowon said. “I feel like a mom,”

I laughed. I was kind of happy. I had friends who accepted me. It was so easy to come out to them. “Thanks, guys, but do you guys really accept me? I hope my mom you don’t mean like your mom.”

“Of course! And no, we are proud like those movie moms are like. We established that and, don’t worry, we won’t ever change our minds about it.” Yuju said.

“So now, I gotta tell Eunha and Eunseo.” I sighed. “Eunha I know will probably accept me, but I’m scared about telling Eunseo.”

“Why do you think so?” Sowon said.

“Well, Eunseo is my “wife”, and I don’t want things to get awkward between us.” I said. We’ve become friends at dance, and ever since, we’ve gotten closer and closer. We instantly became best friends and only getting more comfortable with each other. Placing kissing on each other’s cheek, hugging the living daylights out of each other, and even planning out our “wedding” if we continue to stay single. It was a bizarre but amazing relationship.

“Well, are you prepared to tell her?” Sowon asked.

I nodded. “She’s one of my closest friends, I feel like I should tell her. Plus, she was the one that stared teasing me about being a lesbian, so I can be somewhat comfortable about knowing that she doesn’t mind if I really was a lesbian.”

“Then what is stopping you?” Sowon said.

“It’s just awkward. We’re so close, so telling her I’m gay is kinda like a confession,” I laughed. “Kinda complicated.”

“Well, if you two are that close then I see nothing to worry about, if anything, I think she’ll laugh her off that her gaydar was correct, even if it was a joke.” Yerin said.

“You’re right,” I said. “I shouldn’t be so nervous after you three accepted me so fast.”

“That’s the spirit.” Yerin said.

Soon the period ended and it was time to see Eunseo in gym. I decided that it was best to not tell her when we were changing… that would be terribly awkward.

We both walked out of the changing room together.

“Sinb, omg, I can’t,” Eunseo said.

“What happened now? Who is the creep?” I said as I turned my head to look at a guy looking straight at my friend from about ten feet away.

“He’s in my English class,” Eunseo said. “You know, he likes books and I thought, “Shoot! I love books!” so we started talking a little because at that time he was reading the same book as me.”

“Yeah,” I nodded as I listened to her.

“But then! He started clinging to me more and I realized that he wasn’t advancing from his spot in the book, so I kinda got pissed because you know how much I have a passion for books right?” Eunseo said as she pulled me away from the advancing boy.

“Yep, I can’t even touch them and I’m your wife,” I joked.

“Exactly! So like I’m guessing, “maybe he doesn’t like the book right, but then he grabs my book!” Eunseo throws her hands up.

“Oh no he didn’t,” I said. “Instant death to him.”

“Yep! And then guess what he asks, “Can I see your book?”” Eunseo huffed. “BOI YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BOOK! WHY YOU TOUCHING MINE?”

“He didn’t do that,” I gasped.

“He did! And he wasn’t even gentle! So now I think he is just trying to hit on me. And I’ve literally made it obvious that I. Don’t. Like. Him! He doesn’t get the hint. And now he’s stalking me, poorly at that, in a creepy manner.” Eunseo shook her head.

“Bae, that’s what you get for being beautiful,” I teased.

“Hunny, if I were beautiful, then all the guys would be swarming you because you’re a goddess compared to me.” Eunseo said.

“Boo, let’s not start this, I’m a potato compared to you, like I’m so lucky to have you as my wife.” I said.

“Sweetie, don’t even start! Plus, when is our wedding?” Eunseo laughed.

“Shoot, this Friday!” I joked.

“Well, dang we better get married fast so these boys will get a hint.” Eunseo teased.

“Um, hey,” We heard a feeble voice.

Eunseo let out an audible groan. “Let’s go,” She said as she pulled my arm.

“Wait,” Mark grabbed her hand.

I felt a slight ting of rage as I grabbed her hand and pulled it away from him.

“Take a hint, she doesn’t like you creeping around her.” I said.

“I’m not,” Mark said.

“Then get away right now,” I said.

Mark clicked his tongue and then turned to walk away.

“Wow, with that, you can make any girl fall for you,” Eunseo joked. “I got the jackpot.”

“Well, that’s good because I swear I’m gay,” I said.

Silence.

“Did you jus come out to me?” Eunseo blinked.

“Yep,” I said. “Who knew that you would be right?”

“Holy !” Eunseo said. “I’m so proud of you bae! Who do you have a crush on?”

“Le gasp!” I said. “You would permit me to cheat on you,”

“No, but I wanna approve of this maiden of yours.” Eunseo said.

I laughed. “Maiden?”

“Honey, I’m not into polygamy so she better not be another wife,” Eunseo laughed.

“You’ll permit a maiden though?” I snorted.

“Better than having another wife.” Eunseo said.

“True, true. Well, the girl is Son Chaeyoung.” I said.

“Oh, I think I know her! She’s in my English!” Eunseo said.

“Wow everyone is in your English.” I said.

“I guess,” Eunseo said.

“Well, thank you for accepting me,” I said.

“Of course! You’re my wife!” She said.

“True, it’d be weird to have a homophobic wife.” I said.

Eunseo let out a laugh. If I hadn’t been in love with Chaeyoung, then I bet that I would’ve actually fell in love with Eunseo at that moment.

Middle school was really easy. It flew by so fast, and it was so much fun. I made it into the academy along with Yerin. Mina, Yuju and Chaeyoung made it into the music academy. I kept in contact with all three. I never got to tell Chaeyoung that I liked her. I only said goodbye with a hug. It because I felt empty and stilled longed for her when I should’ve ended it by her impending rejection.

Nayoung and Jeongyeon, who were once best friends drifted apart. I remember meeting them in elementary school and becoming best friends with both of them. Might I add that I made the bridge between them to become close. I thought, out of everyone, that they would stay friends. Jeongyeon ignored Nayoung in high school. Jeongyeon made new friends and forgot about her old friends. Quite sad, she ignored me because I was “dumb” compared to her and she ignored Nayoung because she was “boring”.

It because Nayoung was always shy and it took a while for her to realize we were friends. On Valentine’s Day in 8^th grade, she asked me if we wanted to be friends when I considered us close. Nayoung was always a little awkward and always kept to herself. I hated that Jeongyeon left her and I felt like I should’ve not tested for the academy so I could stay with her. I had a lot of regrets.

At that moment, I realized that sometimes even the strongest bonds could be broken by a change in environment. And that destroyed me.

Freshman year came and along with it came hell.

I came to hate my uality along with just my whole existence.

Then I joined track to ignore school, and I soon became addicted to one girl—Kim Yewon.

I hated myself more than ever.

AN:

Chapter 1 is out! Sorry, it took a while! I actually wrote this on the plane ride back home from Korea, but I totally forgot that I wrote it so this was sitting in my files for about two weeks now!

Anyways, I hope this chapter is good enough for you guys!

Until next time!