xvi.

Chanyeol planned to call Baekhyun as soon as Amber dropped him home the next morning; he’d wanted to talk to him earlier, but his phone had been in his pocket during the near-drowning incident, and it was completely dead. He didn’t even have Baekhyun’s number anymore, he realised, since it had been saved into the now-deceased phone — but that reminded him that he still had the napkin Baekhyun had given him on the night they met, the one with his mobile number scrawled on it. His heart pounding in anticipation, Chanyeol found the crumpled napkin in his dresser drawer, scrunched up inside a pair of boxers, and then he went out into the street to use the payphone. He popped a coin into the slot, punching the number in with trembling fingers.

“Hey… it’s me,” he said, when Baekhyun answered; a wave of fatigue came over him and he leaned against the glass wall of the booth, closing his eyes for a moment. “Are you at home right now? I really need to talk to you.”

“I’m at the studio.” For a moment there was only silence on the other end of the line, and then Baekhyun said, “meet me here, if you want. I’m alone anyway.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol whispered; he stood there with the payphone handset pressed so hard to his ear that it actually hurt, wanting to say more, but instead he hung up and headed back home for a quick shower. If he had to go and face Baekhyun at last, he wouldn’t do it smelling like a hospital.

It seemed unusual that Baekhyun was at the studio before ten on a Sunday morning, but there weren’t many classes on Sundays, and Chanyeol figured he probably just wanted to practice undisturbed. When he arrived, he found Baekhyun alone in the room they usually had their classes in, shadow-dancing in front of the wall of mirrors. Even before Chanyeol saw him, he could hear those quiet grunts of either pain or effort, or perhaps a bit of both, the sounds Baekhyun made whenever he was concentrating. The room looked different, somehow; maybe because Chanyeol had never been to the studio in the morning, or maybe it was because he hadn’t been there for a couple of weeks, the longest amount of time since he’d first started dancing. The sunlight streaming in through the windows made Baekhyun’s hair — still faded from its usual red — glow bright orange. It caught on the tips of his eyelashes and made his skin look warm, but when he moved into the shadows, Chanyeol saw that he was pale and gaunt, his hair and skin suddenly dull and lifeless without the light shining on them. His figure swam in the loose white t-shirt he wore over his gym pants, and Chanyeol wondered how he hadn’t noticed yesterday just how much weight Baekhyun seemed to have lost in only a couple of weeks.

“What did you want to talk about?” Baekhyun asked. He briefly followed Chanyeol's reflection in the mirrored walls of the studio, but he didn't meet his eye; he didn't even turn around to look at him, just kept dancing around in front of the mirror, observing his own movements closely. Chanyeol stood behind him with both hands in his pockets, watching him dance in silence.

“I’m here because I have something to thank you for,” he said at last.

“There's nothing to thank me for.” Baekhyun kept his eyes trained on his own reflection. “I saw you were in danger, so I helped you. I did what any decent person would do.”

“How did you know I was there?” Chanyeol asked quietly.

Baekhyun’s eyes finally met Chanyeol’s in the mirror, but only for a second. “You told me you were going for a walk to clear your head,” he said. “And I was going to leave you to it, because you seemed really upset and I knew you needed the time and space to think. But I saw the way you were swaying when you walked away from my front door, and I thought... well, I don't know what I thought. I didn’t really have to think. So I woke up the guy sleeping on my couch, and told him to leave, and then I thought there was a good chance I’d find you at the beach, so… I went down there. When I arrived, I saw you with your feet in the water. You were dancing alone, and you looked… so wonderful.” Baekhyun paused for a moment and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand; his shoulders were shaking a little. “And then I knew that was exactly how you felt, all those times you were there watching me dance from afar. I just stood there at a safe distance behind you and cried, because I saw it too — the beauty of possibility. Seeing you dance like that, and all on your own… it was an amazing thing I never thought I’d ever see, and I was so moved by it that I didn’t have the heart to interrupt you. I couldn’t have taken my eyes off you even if I’d wanted to. But then you just collapsed, right there on the shoreline, and you didn’t get back up. I saw how rough the surf was, so I ran in after you. Again, I didn’t even think about it at the time; I just knew I needed to go in there. I don't think I've ever been so sure about anything in my life.” When Baekhyun finally turned around to look at Chanyeol, his eyes were red, but he was smiling. “You nearly drowned me, too… you're pretty ing strong, you know. And you thought I was heavy.”

“Why would you put yourself in danger like that?” Chanyeol asked, shaking his head. “It could have gone horribly wrong, Baek.”

“Because no one else was there,” Baekhyun said quietly. “Because you’re a human being, and you’re worth saving. And if you only came here to tell me it was a stupid and dangerous thing to do, then you can keep that opinion to yourself.”

“I didn’t come here to say that.” Chanyeol steeled himself for a moment and said, “I told the man who I once thought was the love of my life that he broke my heart irreparably, and that I would never be able to look at him the same way again. So I'll understand if you feel that way about me too… I know that you must feel so let down right now, but I was telling the truth when I said I never meant to hide anything from you. I just know that I couldn't move on if I didn't at least try to tell you how I feel. I want you to have the complete honesty you deserve. Can I do that?”

Baekhyun hesitated for a moment, but then he nodded. “Okay.”

Chanyeol started pacing up and down the room, trying to calm himself, considering his words carefully. He stopped and looked Baekhyun in the eye, took a deep breath and said, “I don't have any other way to explain myself, except to say that I’m madly in love with you, and that learning to dance with you has made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. I was much happier when we were together than I ever was when I was well. And I don’t even remember what it’s like to be well anymore, so this is kind of all I’ve got. There’s no way I’d want to throw it all away for someone who left me behind for something better. And I don’t blame him for that… I know why he had to do it, and I’m not bitter about it anymore. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to run right back into his arms just because he had a change of heart.”

“This isn’t about Jongin… I told you there’s more to it than that.” Baekhyun sighed and said, “I mean yes, I was mad that you didn't tell me about him, at first, but I got over that pretty quickly. I know what kind of person you are, and you don't seem the type to string two people along at the same time. Who you were with before we met isn't any of my business.”

“But you still won't be with me,” Chanyeol said quietly.

“I can't, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun whispered. “You’re just going to have to take my word for it. And before you ask, no, it’s not because I don’t love you.”

“Then why? I think I at least deserve to know why. Because the damage is already done..?”

“No,” Baekhyun said, letting out an exasperated puff of air. “Because I’m the damage.”

Chanyeol groaned and said, “can we please just be straight with each other…? I have enough confusing to deal with right now. I don't need you going all cryptic on my arse.”

Baekhyun gave him a lopsided smile. “You know I couldn’t be straight around you, even if I tried.”

“Please don't flirt with me, Baek,” Chanyeol said quietly. “Not if you don't mean it.”

Baekhyun's smile faded. “I’m sorry… you're right. That wasn’t fair of me.” He turned away from Chanyeol, facing the mirrors again, and resumed dancing alone.

“So are you going to tell me why we can’t be together, or what..?” Chanyeol asked.

“Can it wait? I’m not in the best state for serious conversation right now. And I need to finish the choreo for this new routine before tomorrow’s class.”

“You don't look like you're in the best state for that, either.”

Baekhyun turned around to look at Chanyeol then; his expression wasn’t angry, or even annoyed, but he looked about as exhausted as Chanyeol felt. “Please, Chanyeol… do I have to beg you to leave me alone? Is that what you want me to do..?”

“No,” Chanyeol said quietly, “I don't want that.” Baekhyun went back to dancing, and he watched him for a while without speaking. He could see the sweat beading on Baekhyun’s forehead, and all the colour seemed to have drained from his face. “You deserve to be loved, you know. I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you that, but you do.”

“No one's ever told me that,” Baekhyun muttered to his reflection in the mirror.

“Well, now that it's been said to you, do you believe it?”

Baekhyun sighed and said, somewhat irritably, “I don't know.”

“Then can you at least try, for me..?”

Baekhyun didn’t reply; he turned away from the mirror and stood there for a moment without moving, except to lift a shaking hand to his forehead.

Chanyeol frowned. “Are you alright? You don’t look very well.”

“I’m fine,” Baekhyun said, through gritted teeth, but he didn't look fine at all. He looked pale and sick, and his legs were wobbling, and Chanyeol was certain he'd be falling over sometime in the next few se