Panic Attacks

I get panic attacks almost everyday i feel like. But after my brother bought me a notebook that i could draw in, I didn't get panic attacks that often anymore. My drawings arn't good, people say I'm really good but I'm not.

I didn't really have that many friends. I lost all my friends when i quit school. I just couldn't handle the all the anxiety i got from it. I just decided to quit school and just fo all my homework through my computer so i could get and education. 

I had schedule, where i would wake up and 7 am, get dressed and i would go down to the train station with my brother so he could take the train to where he work. While he was working i would sit on a bench that was there. It kind of became my spot since i was there everyday. You might think it became boring sitting there on your own, but i'm okey. I got my notebook the i can draw so i can shut people out. And just be in my own shell. What i have noticed that is this girl who always stare me down when she walks of the train. It's the same girl everytime. I never look up at her once cause it is always awkward when you get eyecontact with someone you don't know. But still I can feel her staring at me. Did i look ugly or something? What am I talking about of caurse i looked ugly, but would she look at me everyday to see if i got uglier or simething?

One day i was sitting on the bench , drawing a hand holding a Rose, I actually liked it. It stil wasn't good though. I heared the train coming through tunnel and i got ready to see my brother again. The train stopped and people started walking off the train. I looked at everyone to see if i could see my brother. But he was nowhere to be seen. I decided to just go back to drawing. He sometimes did this, he would work late and forget to tell me and i would sit here late until he came back. The last person got of the train and the doors closed. I looked up and i saw the same blonde again. She very pretty, it looks like she had been at work to cause she was wearing a waitress uniform. I looked down before she caught me staring. I could feel her looking at me again. She always does this. Should i look up at her? No What the why would i do that? It woukd just be awkward making eye contact with her. What is her problem anyway.

I waited for her to leave so i can finally relax cause knowing that she is looking at me made me anxious. I also tried to hide what i was drawing, Cause i didn't want her to see the ugly drawings i made. I waited but she never left, she is still standing in her same spot looking at me. Should i look at her and give her a death stare so she can ? no... 

Without thinking i looked up at her and our eyes meet. I just looked at her and she didn't do anything , it was like we were having a staring contest. Should i tell her to stop? Cause it's rude starting at people. 

But instead of doing that, i smiled weakly at her. The did i do that for??!!? She didn't smile back though, she just looked shocked and then she left. Well wtf?

The next train came and i saw my brother get off. I put my notebook in my backpack and ran up to him hugging him. He had a wide smile planted on his face.

"Why are you in a good mood?" I asked him confused cause he is usually very tired and grumpy when he gets home from work.

"You know the School? YG entertainment? Well I talked to the boss there and i got a job there."

"That's great Jimin." I put on a fake smile. Don't get me wrong, I loved that everything was going so great for him and he was happy and doing well, but i somehow never managed to make a real smile, like ever.

"Wait there is more." He said turning around to face me. "I talked to the CEO and he really wants you to go there , cause i have told how good you ate at art and singing and he said he would like to meet you and see how good you are"

"No."

"No? But Chaey-"

"Jimin i said no, i don't want to go to school there. My art isn't good enough and my voice is horrible and I take classes online on my computer so i am fine."

"I just thought it would be gold for you... you know meet other people since you don't have ........ Friends?" he said it more like s question, and kt kind of pissed me off that he said i don't have friends. It was true though, i don't have any friends, but i don't like being reminded off it. 

"No thank you Jimin."

"Well okey, I have some other news though. You won't have to sit here on the bench the next 1-2 month cause i am taking you somewhere."

"Where?"

"Back to Australia. I think you need to get away from Korea this Summer and get you mind off things. And we'll go and see our grandma and stuff" He said smiling.

I was kind of happy that I get to go back to Australia, but at the same time I kind of don't want to.I like sitting here on the train station and draw in my book and drink my coffee and don't give a single about the work for a minute. 

While me and my brother was walking home, I started thinking. What about the blonde girl? Is she gonna notice that i am gone? Of caurse she won't noticed, we are as Close as strangers.