[Legend] ㅡ present ; ㅡ flashback

The day just started and I am actually thinking of you, again.

You've always come to my mind everytime I wake up, everytime I waste time staring onto anything.

You've always been in my mind. I was always reminiscing. About you. About us.
 

You were practicing your lines from various scripts you've read, and as people pass in front of you, you would just recite a random line from a random script.

I wasn't going to pay attention since you've always done that, but what caught my attention was that you spoke wrong phrases of the line you were reciting which I assumed was for me as I was exactly in front of you.

I stopped on my tracks, lifted my eyes from the book I was reading, turned a look at you. You were looking at me, too. That was why you missed a few people passing by.

I told you that you got a word wrong from that line. It was a line from a play the both of us happened to star in. I don't even know how I remember those lines. I was not really into acting, but everyone was supposed to audition for it. I got in. Of course, you got casted, too. Everyone expected that, anyway.

You loved acting. You practiced every free time you had, eventually influencing the whole class that they memorized the lines you've always practiced. In the end, by the time you'll perform, everyone in the class can speak along your lines as if it was a song they listened for a hundred times.

You were surprised by what I said, and he immediately opened up his bag containing various printed scripts. You rummaged your bag to find the script of that play.

I stared at you for a while, but you took a lot of time to find it since you carry a lot of scripts. Like A LOT. So, I just continued with my business and left the scene. I was sure you'll find it, anyway.
 

I looked at the clock placed on a table on the left side of my bed. It was 8:30am. My eyes went to the bookshelf right next to the table.

A thick bind of white pages was standing out among the row of books. It was your compilation of your favorite lines from different scripts.
Should I take a look? Again, that is. I've always looked at it every morning. It became a habit already.

I just can't seem to stop reading those lines over and over again.
 

But you didn't.

The next day you were practicing again with the same routine. Every person who passed in front of you, one line. In case it was a group of students, you counted it as one and just recited one line. Or in some cases, you just recited a few lines until there was no one passing by.

How did I know? I don't know, too. Was I unconsciously paying attention to you? But, I honestly think everyone knew what your routine was. You've practically done it almost everyday. Who won't notice what you've been doing?

As usual, I had a book to read as I was passing by. I wondered if you figured out the right phrases for that line but, I did not really want to bother asking you.

You recited the same line, anyway. With a few phrases wrong, again. Seems like you're just guessing what words to use?

As I said earlier, I don't really want to bother so I just pretended I didn't hear it. We were not even close. Have we even have a proper conversation while rehearsing the lines together? Have we even talked after that play?

We didn't.

You tapped my shoulder and asked if you got it right, this time. You were smiling. You were attractive. Your smile was so beautiful. You were ethereal.

"No, you didn't." I replied to you, honestly.
 

 I walked to the bookshelf. It took a few steps. I'm going to read your compilation once again.

For the last time, I told myself.
I said that last time, too.
But, I just really can't help myself.

As I slowly scanned through the phrases and sentences written, I began to ask the same questions I've always been asking to myself.

What could've happened if I did not notice?
What could've happened if you did not approach me that time?

What could've happened if I did not tell you it was still wrong?

Your smile turned to an embarrassed one. You were ashamed that you still got it wrong.

"Oh, that's too bad. I hope I'll get it next time. Thanks!" You said, and chuckled before walking back to your spot.

You didn't ask me what the right line was. It was easier that way but, you didn't.

I was about to correct you but, I just didn't voice it out and continued walking away.

Oh, and I honestly thought your chuckle can make anyone's day brighter. It was so adorable.

No. You were.

Did you even ever realize that?
 

What if I just told you what the right one was?

You never told me why you didn't ask, why you insisted to remember it on your own. And, I'm actually still wondering why.

Maybe you wanted to figure it out on your own?

Were you ashamed that you forgot your own lines even if you were always practicing?

I thought I knew you perfectly but, I just can't read your mind, at all.

It continued that way for a week. You would always try to correct that line, everytime I pass infront of you.

But you failed every try.

And this time, I finally remembered to ask you why bother reciting it to me when you could just check your script.

However, I did not see any trace of you at your usual spot.

'Are you not going to practice, today?' I asked in my mind.

I sat on one of the chairs that leaned against the wall, and faced towards the open area where people would come in or out. Your usual place was on the one side of the entrance of the school where there was a row consisting of four chairs.

You would stand infront of the chairs, alone.

You never sat on the chairs nor did you ever came with someone to accompany you.

You weren't a loner or an outcast, though. In fact, everyone liked you. You were witty, you were the mood maker. You liked to make people laugh. Girls drooled over your visuals and personality. You were a kind person. You had a nice singing voice and was good at dancing, too.

In short, you were a complete package. You had girls confessing to you from time to time. Even fangirls who cheered for you everytime you had to perform in a play or musical inside or outside the school.

How did I know? Seriously, everyone knows that. Your fangirls talk about it, everytime. They were so loud, who wouldn't even hear that. Perhaps, you. You were busy practicing and working part-time jobs that you don't have half a second to waste.

You were like an idol and an actor. You were famous, too.

But, you just never came here with someone. I wonder why?

My thoughts got interrupted when I realized I was staring on the floor where a pair of shoes was standing there, slightly apart from each other.

I raised my head and gazed at you.

"Perfect." I muttered, unconsciously.

You didn't hear it though. Or did you?

You found it weird that I was here, so you decided to ask me why I was here.

I don't know what got into me but, I asked you another question, instead of answering yours.

"Why do you keep in guessing the right line when there's a script for that play?" I looked directly at your eyes. They were dazzling.

You scratched the back of your head, embarrassed, once again.

That was so cute.

"I don't really know, too. I just wanted to remember it without having to read the script. Besides, I've lost the script, already. I don't really remember the title of it." You answered, and took a seat next to me. "Do you know the title of it? Seems like you know the play quite well."

I told you the title of the play then, we talked for a while, about this and that.

You never asked me how I knew that play. You don't really remember you acted it with me.

I just told you I have experience in acting but, not much since acting is not really my forte. You asked me what was my forte then.

I told you I did not know. I never really tried anything new to find what I was good at.

Then you asked me if I ever tried writing a script. Sure, I have. But, not the ones that last for an hour or so. I've only made ones for short roleplays.
 

You asked me if I was good. I just shook my head, along with the words "I don't know."

I didn't really know.

You laughed at me saying how weird I was because I was always saying "I don't know".

The sound of your laugh sounded like heaven in my ears.

I wanted to hear it again.

I just smiled at your response.
 

I turned the pages one after another.

I can hear your voice reading all of these.

I can see your face, full of influential expressions that fit the mood of these lines.

I can feel every emotions you pour into speaking these sentences.

I can imagine you, the usual you. 
 

I told you I needed to go, because I had an appointment.

I stood up, and was ready to go but, you stopped me.

"I'm Ong Sungwoo. May I know your name?" You asked me.

That was when I knew you didn't really recognize me. Well, I wasn't anyone special so it doesn't really matter.

I told you my name, but I did not turn to you. I just continued walking and raised my hand a little bit to wave at you even though my palm was facing opposite of you.

What if I didn't wait for you, at that time?

I turned another page, again.

I was nearing the end of the compilation.

Eventually, we became friends. And, I swear to God, I could feel your fangirls eyeing and badmouthing me at times. I did not care less. I did not get harmed, anyway.

Sometimes, I would accompany you while you recited your lines.

Oh, you haven't really remembered the line at all. You kept on getting it wrong. You were almost giving up, until I finally brought you the script.

You wondered how I got my hands on it. And then, you suddenly thought I was the scriptwriter of the script.

Well, that was partially true since, I did really wrote some of the lines there. But, my main job in that play was being the main character. I just laughed at you when you claimed I was a scriptwriter and that I should continue writing more.

I flicked your forehead and, I finally told you.

"Dummy. You don't remember at all, don't you? You and I acted in this play together hence, I have a copy of the script. But, I did write some lines, there."

"Oh, yeah, sure, what a great joke.” You said and faked a laugh.

I just stared at you with an eyebrow raised and crossed arms.

“Wait. You’re serious?” Your eyes widened. I nodded with a smirk. “Why didn’t you tell me, then?” You asked me, still shocked.

“Uh.. I just told you?” I rolled my eyes at you, and you just glared at me for not answering you seriously.

You were really adorable, Ong Sungwoo.

I reached the last page. My eyes drifted to the last line you included.

It was that same line you got a hundred times, wrong, that same line that initiated our first conversation. It was that line in our play.

I don’t know if you knew this but, I was the one who wrote that line. Perhaps, that was why I remembered that line when you got it wrong.

Did you place it on the last line of the last page, because it held memories of us? Or did you just really liked the line a lot?

I’m happy if you liked it, a lot. I wrote it after all. But, I wanted to think that you put it there to remind that the line was special to the both of us. Or, at the very least, to me. You don’t know how much I was thankful I had written that line. 

We talked about the script, the play, and the memories back then. It was good to talk about the past, with you. I hoped we would have more memories to talk about, in the future.

We grew closer every day. We went to different cafes, arcades, and even watched movies together. I even accompanied you to your auditions. And, of course, I was the one who always comforted you whenever you got turned down. I admired your perseverance. I didn't get why they turned you down when you clearly have everything? Maybe you were too good for them?

I enjoyed having you by my side. How about you? I liked seeing you smile. I liked hearing you vent out your problems and complaints to me. I liked seeing you work hard. I liked how I can talk to you informally, even if I was a year younger. I liked you.

I liked you a lot, Sungwoo.

One time, you texted me out of the blue. It was weird. You used to call me, without even asking me, when you wanted to say anything because you didn't want me to reply late. You wanted to meet up in a cafe we hadn't tried out, yet. I asked you what it was for. But you just told me I'd find out when I get there. What a cliffhanger you were.

I went and saw you waiting for me outside the cafe. You were nervous, but you were excited, too. You were just looking at the ground, thinking of whatever it was, but you looked happy. I secretly took a photo of you in that stance then, called your name. You raised your head and I took a photo, again.

"Too handsome." I muttered, as you made your way to me.

"I know that, already. No need to repeat it." You said jokingly, and smiled.

"Stop smiling. I'm falling." I said, laughing.

We got to the point where we can comfortably tease each other that we liked each other or one was falling for the other. People even mistook us as a real couple. We never felt awkward for that. We just brushed it off, and acted the way we were comfortable.

"You already fell for me, don't deny." You winked, and just held my hands and dragged me inside.

Skinship wasn't a problem for us. For you, rather. It was a big problem to me. My heart would just start beating faster everytime you got touchy with me. I still cannot get used to how you hold my hands, how you ruffle my hair, how you hug me, how you backhug me, how you cling my arm to yours, and a lot more. But, I can't deny I liked it. It made me happy although, I never assumed what you felt for me. I just wanted you to be the one to tell me if you liked me or not. I didn't want to ruin anything between us, after all.

I even remember the time you kissed my forehead while hugging me because I was crying that day. You made me feel safe. You made me feel less devastated. I was relieved I had a friend like you. You were always by my side. I hoped you’d always be by my side.

 

I ran my fingers through the smooth white paper of the compilation, trying to feel the times you held this before I received it.

I finally closed it and returned it to its original spot in the bookshelf.

It was another day to go through.

I miss you.

We sat on one place, but you stood up to go to the counter. I just stared at your back, and seriously, I saw some girls eyeing you. Even the lady in the counter couldn't resist staring at you.

You brought what you ordered and we ate while talking about random stuff, again. Then, I remembered you have to tell me something so I reminded you about it.

"I have something to tell you." You said, sounding a little bit sad. I just nodded. You just looked down, not talking. I was growing nervous. I asked you if you were okay, but I heard you sob. I shrieked when I heard you sob. You never cried to me in a public place! I began panicking.

But, your sobs turned to laughters you couldn't control. I was mindblown. I forgot you were good at acting, damn.

"Just kidding. I passed the auditions at Fantagio as a trainee for an idol group. It wasn't for acting but still, I liked singing and dancing, too. I'm just happy a company finally accepted me." You were smiling from ear to ear. And, I just got more dumbfounded. But then, I broke out to repeating Oh my God a lot of times. I was so happy for you. You're making a progress to achieve your dream!

"Oh my God, congratulations, oh my God. I knew you can do it. I'm so proud of you, aww. You should work harder from now on!" I exclaimed, excitedly while clapping.

You called my name, softly, and paused for a little before continuing.

"Thank you for always supporting me, for believing in me. Thank you for inspiring me. I won't be here without you and my mom. Thank you, really." You held my hand that was laying on top of the table. I was surprised but, not that obvious.

"You know I'm always here for you. No need to thank me for that." I assured you, with a smile.

"I have to tell you another thing." You said, and stared directly at my eyes. You withdrew your hand. I thought I was going to die. I was freaking nervous. Why were you doing this to me?

"What is it, now?"

"I like you. No, I love you.. Ugh, I sound stupid right now, but yeah, I just can't stop thinking about you. Every little thing reminds me of you. I miss you a lot whenever I don't see you. I just want us to stay by each other's side. I'm sorry for not having a memorable confession but, even though it's just like this, I promise you that what I feel is sincere. It took me a lot of courage to say this. But, please, if the feeling isn't mutual, promise me nothing will change, a'ight? And, don't ask if this is a joke. No, it isn't. I like you. I am really seriously completely truly in love with you. Will you go out with me?" You confessed, with closed eyes and shaking hands on top of the table.

I looked at you with shock written all over my face. I never expected you liked me, too. Oh my God. You slowly opened your eyes which made you look so cute. You looked like a kid.

"Don't open your eyes!" I told you before you could open it completely, so you immediately closed it again and intertwined your hands with each other. Were you praying? You were too adorable.

I quietly stood up and kissed you on your forehead. I've always wanted to do this. Thank you for giving me a chance to do so. I slowly parted the kiss and sat down. Just as I sat down, you slowly opened your eyes, again.

"I love you, too, Ong Sungwoo. And, yes, I'll go out with you but, technically, we're out, right now?" I told you, in a joking tone. "And, don't ask if this is a joke. No, it isn't. I like you. I am really seriously completely truly in love with you." I continued, copying what you said earlier.

You laughed. God knows how much I love hearing you laugh. God knows how much I love you.
 

Tears streamed down from my eyes. I immediately wiped them.  This is what I hated whenever I remember you. Just when I thought I was fine, I would cry, remembering you.

I went to prepare myself for this day. I washed up, combed my hair, put a lip tint.

Sudden thought of you rose, again. I remember you applying a lip tint. You applied it thoughtlessly, that your lips became so red. Your face went hilarious when I told you it was too red. Seriously, you need to stop being so adorable. 

A year passed, we were still the same, except I tried acting because of you. Basically, we were inseparable. I also met a lot of people you were friends with.

Unfortunately, there were times you couldn't go to the casting, so you and I never starred in the same play. You grew busier as you continued being a trainee in Fantagio. You focused more on music, than acting. You liked both, but you missed acting. You worked hard, anyway. You’ve always wanted to do this, whether acting or singing. Just the idea of debuting made you crazy everytime you talk about it with me.

We weren’t able to go out on dates, like before. One of us would just go to each other’s house. Sometimes, we would watch movies until midnight or at times, until we’ve slept with the TV on. Our parents had no problem with that, since we didn’t do anything bad at all. Other times, we would just talk about what happened for the past days or how our day went by. I was fine with it. As long as you were here, I was fine.

But, that, too, became seldom. It turned to hours of phone calls, though. I was still fine with that. As long as it was you.

I was finally ready to go.

I used the perfume you liked the best.

I don’t know, maybe that way I could still convince myself you were with me.

I grabbed my bag, and went out.

Oh, and I wore the ones I wore that day.

After a long time, you finally had time to go out with me. I wore the prettiest clothes I could find in my closet. I wanted to look pretty, because it was our first date in a while.

You waited for me outside our house. You looked ethereal, as always. Only, you’ve lost a lot of weight. Was it because you’ve been practicing? Were you even eating your meals properly? I was so worried.

“I’m eating my meals properly, don’t worry. I’m fine.” You assured me, and patted my head. I liked it when you could read what I wanted to tell you. It was like we knew each other perfectly.

We spent the whole day with each other’s presence. It was the best day, so far. And, the longing we’ve been feeling for each other made it even better. We appreciated every little thing that we did and told.

You told me you had a movie you wanted to audition for. The company allowed you to audition, and you’ve been practicing for it. The audition was still months to go, but you were already working hard. You even practiced it while we were eating lunch. It looked like you already memorized a lot. The character even suited you, like the role was really made for you.

I told you the play I was starring in just ended a few days before. You congratulated me, of course. You were proud, since you have watched the play, too, even if it was only during rehearsals. You showered me with compliments. I was flattered and, thankful for your support.

We went to an amusement park, to another cafe, to an arcade, watched one movie, and finally we went to a restaurant. It wasn’t very fancy, but it had a class and elegance of its own.

We ate dinner, there. You suddenly kneeled on one knee and took out a ring. You were already wearing yours. You just took my hand, kissed it, and slid the ring around my finger.  It wasn’t an engagement ring. You weren’t proposing to me. You just shrugged when I asked you what the ring was for. I asked you for a few times but, you just don’t want to spill it. So, I gave up, in the end. I was happy for the ring, anyway.

We went to our house, we were in my room, and we were cuddling. Talking with a quiet atmosphere, with you, is indeed a calming time for me. We just talked, and talked. And, all I could remember before I drifted to sleep was you kissed me after you sang a song for me.

I walked to where I could wait for a taxi, and I was just staring at our ring. I still wear it. Everytime. Everywhere.

I liked the ring so much. It made me feel your presence.

I just miss you, a lot.

The next day, I woke up without you. I gazed my eyes around the room and found an unfamiliar box on the table beside my bed. I just stared at it, for a few minutes before I finally picked it up.

On top of the box was an envelope. It contained a letter. Handwritten. You knew how much I loved handwritten letters, but I definitely did not like this letter.

“First of all, thank you for everything. Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for dating me. Thank you for loving me. You were worth all the efforts, and time. Thank you for your time. Thank you for all the memories, gifts, and laughters, we’ve given to each other. Thank you for always pushing me to strive harder. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being born. I don’t mind thanking you everyday, but I’m afraid this would be the last time I would be doing so.

I know I lack on a lot of things, and I know I annoy you at times. I know that I was hard-headed, too. I’m sorry for all the things I could’ve done better. I’m sorry I hadn’t been able to take you out on dates, more. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to show how much I love you. I’m sorry I am such a bad person to do this to you. I’m very sorry for not being able to stay by your side, from this point onwards.

I hope you can forget me, and live your life, happily.

You’re a great actress, and I sincerely hope you would continue being one. Until we could meet again, this time, as an actor and actress. I would be waiting for that time to come.

I’m sorry I had to leave you like this. I can’t say this to you personally. I know I’m going to break your heart by doing this. And, I can’t bear to see you cry because you’re hurting. I can’t bear to see you cry because of me.

But, just know, that I really seriously completely truly loved you. Goodbye. Take care.

Yours truly,

Ong Sungwoo.”

I don’t care if I was not in a state where I can go out, because I looked messy. But, I just ran outside, and rushed off to your house. Tears flooded my eyesight.

“Yah! Ong Sungwoo!” I banged on your door a lot of times. Don’t tell me you moved out? How could you..?

No one was answering. I just stood there, still banging on your door, hopelessly. I cried. And cried. And cried. I could no longer bang your door but, I still tried. With every strength I have, I would still try. I can’t lose you. Never.

You were gone. You left the company. You left me.

What could've happened if you told me the truth?
What could've happened if you didn't leave me hanging?

I loved you. You loved me, too. We knew we did.

But it's all in the past now.

It was months after you left that I heard you were ill and died from a surgery to cure it..
I never knew what your sickness was.
More like, I didn't want to know something I should've heard from you.

Your mother moved back to the old house you used to live in, and I got to attend your funeral. It was heartbreaking.

Damn, I haven't seen you for a while. I was waiting all this time. And, when I finally get to see you, why did it have to be in your own funeral?

You should've told me. I should've stayed by your side.

I just cried, not uttering a word to anyone, even to your mother.

I stood infront of your framed photo. Lit an incense stick. And, prayed.

I stood there for a while, I was silently crying.

I wanted you back. I wanted you to tell me you came back for me.

I wanted to hear your voice calling out to my name, once again.

But, I know that won't happen anymore, and it hurts.

It hurts not being able to make you happy in your last moments.

It hurts not being able to support you.

It hurts not knowing anything at all.

I blamed myself. I'm sorry. I should've known better. I'm sorry.

That was when I finally broke down. I was a complete mess without you. I cried and cried infront of your photo, wishing I could turn back the time we've lost.

My knees gave in. I lost strength. I was tired. Tired of not seeing you. Tired of everything.

Your mother quickly held me before I could've kneeled on the floor, helpless. She embraced me in her arms, as if I were her child. I cried like a baby in her touch. She kept on my hair to calm me down. But, I just can't.

I missed you so much. There was a lot of things going on in my mind. I can't think straight anymore.

I missed your mother, too. She was like my second mother, you know.

"He never told me he was sick. He never let me get a glimpse of his pain. I should've known better. I'm sorry. I should've been by his side. I should've.." I cried to your mother as I hugged her tighter.

She told me she knew and that she understood me, that it was okay to cry, that you were hurting, too. But, she was sure you were happy, because I finally came, and we got to meet. Even if it was for the last time.

How are you there? How could you not tell me? I could've stayed by your side. I could've been there during your last moments. I could've been there and our own life’s movie would've turned to a series.

I crossed the pedestrian lane and saw a figure of a familiar man standing infront of the theater's entrance. I smiled and waved as I approached him.

We're going to watch the movie you wanted to audition for. And I just can't help but remember the lines you've been practicing.

Did you even get the chance to audition for it? You were a great actor, you know. Greatest one I’ve met.

We walked inside the theater and bought the tickets. Will you be mad at me if I told you this would be the last time I'll be reliving our memories? Last time I'll think of you?

Nah, just kidding. You're worth all the memories. I won't forget you nor will I try to do so.

Are you happy there? Because I am, here. Happy I got to meet you and be a part of each other's lives. You were a lesson in my life. Oh, and I decided to get into scriptwriting than acting. Acting was fun, but I don't think I can, without you. I would just like to imagine that the lines I write would be the ones you'd recite when people pass in front you. Just like how you've always been doing. Just like how we first talked over a wrong line you recited. Just like how we actually noticed each other.

Thank you for entering in my life. You'll always be that actor whom I loved so much.

Rest in peace, Ong Sungwoo.
 

I'm sorry if this is crappy, lol. I'm not even good with grammar HAHA. And, oh my god, produce 101's about to end, i'm not yet ready. I really hope Daehwi gets to debut :(. I HEARD THE FINAL DEBUT EVALS SONGS OMYGOD I CAN’T WAIT. BUT, I’LL MISS PRODUCE 101 A LOT :(. It was a mess but, I loved the trainees a lot. Hope the best for all of them!  Anyway, thank you for reading! :)