Smiling. As always that sweet and kind smile that turn me upside down. I could keep looking at him endlessly for no reason alike but just for looking at him, and maybe he looking back at me. I clung to Bae a little more just in case Ji made him forgetting I was there too. We were squeezed in Ji’s bed talking about dogs and cats and random stuff Ji had found on a manga. I listened. I like to listen to what Ji says. He likes to do a lot of weird stuff while boring or while being with his hyungs – his older’ sister friends from university. Thanks to them Ji had already drank, smoked and had a French kiss with someone on a party in one of his hyungs apartment. Ji was seventeen just as Bae, second year of high school. I was eighteen, third year of high school. I closed my eyes, let my head fell on Bae’s shoulder. I could have stay the whole night like that. Sometimes Bae would chuckle or talk a little bit – he likes more listening than talking anyway. I got a little greedy and I wrapped my arms around Bae’s left arm. I exhaled his scent pretending that I was tired. And I felt asleep with no much more in mind that Bae’s laugh, thinking about his smile.

“You like someone, don’t you?”

I woke up. I barely opened my eyes to close them again. Ji never talked about things like that with Bae. And Bae never seemed to take a huge interest on girls or boys. In fact, Bae never seemed to like or have a crush on anybody. I was glad and worried about that. It really wasn’t a problem. But I truly wanted to try to kiss him once or twice, cuddling and holding hands weren’t going to be enough at some point. Of course, I would respect whatever Bae likes. Looking at beautiful people never actually bother me. I still could remembering his touches.

“Bae... who is it?”

Bae went stiff. Ji has his ways on reading Bae so well, made him trembling with words, putting him in such embarrassing situations. Ji in that sense was the whole opposite to me. I’d never done not by accident or on a real intent make Bae do things like those. Though, Ji was a good friend, one of my best still I wanted to punch him and make him back to his senses. Bae was stiff and uncomfortable.

“C’mon. I’ll tell you who I like”

Isn’t weird how Ji try to balance secrets? Bae got so nervous he started to tremble. I opened my eyes. I stood up and looked at them. Red and embarrassed, that’s how Bae looked like. Ji had a pretty frown on his face. Sure, I messed up his timing. I smirked to piss him off just because.

“Want to eat pizza?” I asked. The tension puff off.

-----------

“I’m gay” said he, the boy standing with a hand on his hip and the other one holding a bottle of wine. A full bottle of wine.

“I know” I let it out a sigh. It wasn’t a surprise. Never mind. Ji was an open book.

“I like Bae. I’d ask him to... go out with me” Ji drank and looked at me begging. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the position he was putting me at. I swallowed everything in my guts and whatever was pressing down my throat.

“Why are you asking me for permission? You are free to do what you want. It is not my problem if Bae likes you back or not. I’m your and Bae’s friend. If so, you need to ask to his brother but not me for permission”

Ji laughed pathetically. He was trying to cope with my bull. I was trying to cope with his feelings and morals, which are more complicated, messy and baseless.

“You are our friend. You are Bae’s favourite hyung. If you could talk nicely about me or let him more time to...”

“I won’t. This is not a trade. If you want him to be more than a friend be a man and do things on you own”

Ji pushed his back to the wall. Wine was getting in his blood way to fast. Three beers could let him on the floor or dancing almost on the living room. But wine, where the did he get that from? I swear his hyungs weren't that good as Ji made them appeared to be.  

“Hyung... please”

He was whining. Head down, shoulders shrunken. I should not be dealing with this bull. I should not be dealing with Ji’s future decisions on any way. He always mess things up. Always. And I got the worst part almost all the time. I sat down on the bathroom floor. He waited. I didn’t want to say nothing more. Listening, just listening to that sloppy confession made my blood boil. Bae would probably...No, he would never. He can no. No with Ji. Ji always mess things and people up.

“I won’t Ji. Don’t’ say a word about like that again. You like him that much then do things that much to get him. If he ask me things about you I’d tell my truth. If he want to spend more time with you, I’m okay with it. It’s his life anyway”

Ji drank a little bit more. He was wasting himself over things that had hadn’t happened yet. If I were him, in the exact same position of losing a dear friend because I like him more much more than a friend, I would probably had done the same thing. I would have wasted myself not only with wine or torn feelings but with some pain, bloody pain on my flesh.

“Don’t drink too much. You’ll stink and tomorrow is Monday. Bae doesn’t like drunk people”

Ji grinned, drank a little bit more. And whispered a shy: “thanks, hyung.”

-------

“Hyung, if one of us happen to be gay, what would you think?”

Contrary to Ji, who was like the Sun. Energetic, outgoing, and someone you could read easily just by looking at. Bae was like the Moon. Innocent, beautiful and with lots of secrets. I almost spitted my soul out of my body when he told me, like a child,  shy and expecting that their silly secret wasn’t that silly, that he was gay.

“What I think about gay people or someone... or one of us being gay?”

Bae didn’t dare to look at me. He knew I was searching for his innocent eyes. He knew but never did he look at me.

“About...both”

“The same as Ji. I guess”

I closed my eyes. I try to remember the last time Bae got so stiff. Wasn’t it a month ago?

“What does he think?”

Probably, that day on Ji’s room after watching a film about secret agents, dogs, cats, and random stuff Ji had found on a manga.

“Gay people are disgusting. Faggots are s, they like not people. If there would be a between us... I think Ji would kick our arses and then hold a grunge for life and after it”

“You... Jiyongie, thinks that?”

“Well, he was drunk. Maybe some of his older sister’ friend did something to him. I don’t know”

Sobbing and sniffing. Hearts broken heal. They always do. Bae, don’t worry. I’m the one who is right here beside you.

“Hyunnie...you think...”

“I said he would probably kick our arses. I do think the same as him to not lose our friendship”

Bae clung to me. I hugged him back. I didn’t dare to open my eyes the whole night.

---------

“Kiss me”

He grabbed my neck and kissed me roughly. I didn’t want him to let me go. Didn’t want him to go. Mine. Mine as had always had to be.

“Mine... You’re finally mine”

I took his face with both hands. I looked him tenderly. I smiled like a fool. Embarrassed he held my hands kindly. He looked at my shyly. His lips curved a little bit. His eyes smiled at me and only me.

“I’m yours, hyunnie”

“Want to go out to get some mangas?”

I kissed him in his neck, cheeks, forehead, nose, and those plump lips.

“Sure”

I lied on his chest. His warm and steady breathe put my together. I calmed down. My heart still racing like a maniac. His heart not so much.

“Hyunnie, Ji would have like to go with us, don’t you think? He used to get funnies amateur mangas from Seungri”

“Do you miss him?”

“I do. We were friends after all”

“Do you still love him?”

His heart beat increased a bit. Mine went down a lot. I caressed his neck and shoulders. Was he thinking about me when we made out, when we made love, when he said he likes me so much he had dreams about me. Was he saying those things, feelings those things, remembering those moments sweet and happily just like me. Did Bae really want it to...

“I don’t, hyunnie. I like you lots. I wouldn’t be your boyfriend if I didn’t like you”

Bae took my hand and kissed it tenderly.

-----------

They locked eyes and found themselves in it. I was out of the picture. The whole world, the ing universe was out of the picture when they looked at each other like the missing puzzle piece. I should had known better. Ji mess things up and I, almost always, get the worst of it. I should had known better and I did. I ran away with Bae’s hand holding no strength in mine. With his eyes still looking for Ji. I ran away with Bae. Bae really didn’t want to run but to stay still. And maybe looking at Ji smiling. And Bae as always smiling back at him, with that sweet and kind smile that turn me upside down. Bae would probably could keep looking at Ji endlessly for no reason alike but just for looking at him. And maybe if he remember we were three in that group I’d have the chance of him looking back at me. I intertwined our fingers just in case Ji made him forgetting I was there too. That I was running away from that picture.

“You still love him! You do!”

“No! I don’t! Hyunnie, I do not!”

Mine. Was Bae mine? Or it was a pity game, a wicked game? Who is more miserable among us three?

I pushed Bae to the wall. I kissed him. I d his body all. Mine. He was mine, wasn’t him? I took his out. I touched him till he was hard, wet and nonstop to stop.

“Please... stop. Hyun...nnie... Yours... I’m...yours...”

“You are... mine”

----------

Since Bae and I got together, Ji and his older sister went to live to Busan. Ji was able to text me once, six month later he moved out. Good luck, Seung hyung. Take care of him. I never told Bae about it. Bae never talked about Ji at least for three years till that night when he got drunk on the welcoming party for the newcomers in the university. I had to pick him up and took him to our apartment. Bae was the exact same mess as Ji was once. Bae was whining. Head down, shoulders shrunken. I should be dealing with this bull. I should be dealing with Bae’s future decisions on every way because there were mine too. Bae laughed pathetically. He was trying to cope with our bull. I was trying to cope with his feelings and morals, which that night seemed to be more complicated, messy and baseless than ever. Bae was twenty-six, and a soon-to-be chief of one of the most successful editorial. I was twenty-seven, and one of the most reliable curator of my generation. Ji was twenty-six, and kissing my long-time boyfriend two block away from mine and Bae’s home.

“I love you. I always did, Baebae” said Ji hopeless. Holding Bae’s face with such love. With pure and melancholic love I’d never had. Bae was trembling.  

“I... I’m sorry. I don’t love you anymore”

Chest burning. Tears falling. My mind was yelling me, commanding me to go, get Bae and run away with him again. Inside, my guts were screaming: “He was never yours!” “He never wanted to be yours!” “You messed this up!” “He never loved you more than a good friend!” “He never like you that much to say I love you back!” “He was never yours!” “He never accept you were his!” “Did first love feel so empty? Hyunnie, did you ever feel empty?”