i was getting ready for my trip to London for Get it Beauty...suddenly my phone buzzed...
It was from unnie Hyeyoun..."Dara can i talk to you"...i said "Yes"
then my phone rings
"Dara..i know you'll be busy...but i have to tell you..that Seunghyun got into trouble..we don't want you to be bothered about it...but it's better to come from us than other people"
hearing that Tabi got into trouble...i almost lost my grip on my phone...
"what is it unnie...did he get into fight" i can feel my brows crease
"ahmmm...no...he did not"
"what is it unnie?"i can hear my voice starting to tremble
"he got into a drug questioning"
"ha?drugs?when did he get into drugs?is he okay?is he okay unnie?" then i shriek
"unnie tell me is he okay?"
"dara calm down..please whatever you hear in the news...dont believe it..please believe seunghyun...now..i want you to stay calm..you still have your flight...we'll take care of this...omma wants to talk to you"
"deh unnie"
"dara...it's omma...please tell me...you'll be okay...we really don't want to tell you this but it's better that we tell beforehand...please take care...London is far away...just stay calm...Our Seunghyun loves you so much"
"deh omma"
i kept racking my brain off as to when he got into drugs...he's been into cigars and wine but not drugs...for goodness sake

it was time to leave the house...that i still can feel that my body is trembling...YG van is already in front of the house...then jjangmae who was suppose to be with ikon was here instead of Hong...so they already know...and why on earth being the PR director..that i don't know anything about this
Jjangmae reached my luggage without looking at me
"jjangmae..do you know anything?"
"i dont know what you're talking about"
"oh...liar...you know what i'm talking about"
"how did you know?"
"do you think i'm that stupid...omma and unnie already told me?"
"i'm sorry dara...sajangnim told us to not tell you..since you'll be leaving"
"for what?"
"don't worry dara...sajangnim will take care of this"

my eyes are swollen...but i have to get ready since reporters will surely be present in the airport..so i'm wearing my shades to hide it...

with 12 hours flight...i have not slept...jjangmae always reminded me to take a nap...but sleep is far from getting into me

i don't have any idea of what's happening with tabi...is he questioned...i dont know...i was also bothered that people in seoul will surely not take this easily...knowing what happened to Bom
after arriving...

i already checked the news...it stated there..that he confirmed it..that it happened last Oct.2016 with a girl named Han Seo Hee

i tried to remember where was i during these times...and all i know i was in the Philippines for the show

Many times he would ask me to just stay in Korea and turn down the show..but this is work..i wanted to prove to people that i can have a career sans 2ne1...im tired of reading comments that i will be nowhere once 2ne1 disbanded.

we got a little fight over it...he was depressed for couple of days..but i assure him..that everything will be okay..and that i will not stay too long..after the taping..i'll fly back immediately...we already made a compromise with our personality differences

He may be introvert..that i let him go with people of his circle...those art people..they usually stays in his house..to enjoy some wine with him..while i go with my squad..which is purely business..since we needed each other for network and connections..then after that..we still have each other...

but reading that a certain trainee went to his house and had session with him..for me is foul..we might have some misunderstanding here and there..but..never i imagine he would invite a stranger in his house...

i try to distance myself with the issue...i wanted to call unnie..but i think i need to calm down my nerves...this may not be the first time i question Tabi's sincerity...he was also linked to some girls before..we fought but just like a cliche...you'll return to where your heart truly belongs...but i could not just sit down about this...

i called unnie...hesitant that this might not be the right time...but i have to be there no matter what
"unnie hello?how's Top?"
"hmmmm...Dara...he's here...they suspended him for a day"
"how's omma?"
"she's okay...Top wants to talk to you"

i was nervous to talk to him...i don't want to cry....i am a bit disappointed not with him but with what he did...he's being the bad boy that i was scared that he might be

i try to suppress the tears falling from my eyes..this might affect my voice when i talk to him

"Dara...i'm so sorry..i am ashamed of myself...i feel that you don't deserve me...i was being irrational that time..."
i stayed quiet...listening to him...makes me shiver
"whatever happens..you know and God knows that i love you so much...i don't want to bring you into this"
"but tabi"
"people will surely judge me for this...but please believe in me...it's not my intention to hurt you..but that time..i was not thinking straight...i want you to always be on my side...i'm so sorry Dara"
i can hear him crying...it's additional burden for him about our relationship..he wanted the world to know that we are couple..but knowing South Korea culture..he wanted to protect me from all the negativities that people might throw to me

"Tabi..i'm so sorry too...i am not there right now...but please don't think you're a failure...i love you so so much"
"I love you Dara...please don't leave me"
"No..i will not leave you...we'll get through this...it'll be over soon..."
"i'm so sorry"
"okay Tabi...just remember that i love you...bye"
i wanted the first to say goodbye...or else i'm gonna cry harder

unnie and me...we've been exchanging messages...she's been updating me about everything happening with Top
..........
Last night is a different night...i might be bothered..but i slept...i wanted to treat that everything happenning is just a dream...but no..this is reality...until i heard a knock..it was jjangmae
"Dara..what are your plans for today?"
"i wanted to go shopping"
"its impossible...there was a terrorist attack..and all are advise to stay and not to go anywhere"
and then i heard my phone ringing.. it was unnie

"Dara the news are you near that place"
"no unnie"
"don't go anywhere..always take care...we've been worried about you after hearing the news"
"unnie im okay...i'll be safe"

One thing about my relationship with TOP...i gained a sister...though i have Durami..but she's younger than me..so it's expected that as an older sister...i'm taking care of her..when i got into relationship with TOP...her sister became my alliance...my bestfriend...my confidant..whenever we have some petty quarrels..unnie will automatically be on my side...she's always ready to hear me..

News of TOP going back to the police to wait for the verdict of whether to expel him or not is the biggest issue in Seoul...and finally i'll be coming home...

i went straight to Top's house after arriving...reading all the negative things thrown to Tabi is so hurtful...he's not a criminal..like he killed someone...he was just once lost his senses..that he did it..

for those people who's been judging him.damn you..he's the most sensitive and very mild mannered person that i ever met...he was so good to his family...he loves them so much...

news here and there about the drug scandal is hurting me..accusations...judgement..that i stopped hearing news..i rely this time with unnie..she's the most reliable person...

June 5, 2017

news of Tabi's being expelled in the service was all over the news...unnie and omma choi was there for me...
seeing him treated that way was so hurtful...no sense of respect was shown to him...he did not kill any body..nor rob anyone...for goodness sake...

i was crying...unnie and omma started to cry as well...but...i have to be strong...

"no let's not cry..we should be strong for tabi"
we had news that tabi was transferred awaiting the verdict..when someone called the house

"hello?"unnie said
"is this choi household?"
"deh"
"im sorry but we found top unconscious...it seems he has taken more than the prescribed dosage...we send him to the hospital"
"whaaaaat"
and unnie slumped...we ran to her
"unnie what happened"
unnie was crying hard...she's been crying that i started to tremble..of a possible more bad news

"Top..was found unconscious..he has taken more than the prescribed dosage"
"unnie..what's happenning?..is he okay?where is he right now?i'll go..he needs me...he needs me there"
i was already at the door when omma choi reached me
"Dara..no..people will see you...stay here..i'll go...that hospital is public..."
"omma...omma...Top needs me...he needs me...he needs me"

my body trembled...every part of my body was numb...i can't feel anything...this is too much for tabi...

waiting for news from omma...i was still crying...i never imagine that this will happen to TOP...my Tabi...

a day passed and he's still unconscious and people spreading lies that he has already woken up..infuriates me...Tabi is in the middle of fighting for his lfe because of this..and rumors keep on spreading that he's okay..to cover up their inadequacies...

me and unnie awaits for omma's news...i haven't eaten nor slept...unnie told me to eat...but i can't..now that Tabi is still has not waken up..i've been praying and praying...

then the phone rings

"deh omma"
"dara omma wants to talk to you"
i was shaking when i reach the phone
"Dara...Top's asking if you've been eating...he said he's sorry again"

hearing those...left me crying..not for sadness...my Tabi has woken up...thank you oh Good Lord

"yes omma tell him...i love him so much...tell him i miss him so much...i can't wait to hug and kiss him...omma...i love him"

and the house that was once sad was now taken place with glee...this new life to him is a gift from the Lord...i promise that we'll get through this together

Tabi has been placed in a private hospital..and we decided that we'll take turns...

i was nervous seeing him..i might not control myself...i might hug him and will never let go
i knocked on the door...and seeing Tabi for the first time after all this ordeal was so surreal....i approached him...i stayed quiet...i was really nervous

"dara...i'm so sorry..." i heard him sighing

i looked at him...but a tear fell...

"i love you so much...please don't do that again"

with his arms open..i hugged him...and cried

"i really don't know what will I do..if something happened to you"

i crushed my lips to him...

"i hate you"jokingly i uttered

and we laughed...