“I still don’t understand how on your first day you hang out with some of the worst kids known in the school.”  Hyungwoo sighed as they headed towards the hospital.  “I’m gonna talk to the office tomorrow, this proves we need to be in the same class together.”

                Kihyun stomped his foot to get his brother’s attention, ripping his braces off in the process.

                They are the only people who bothered.

                “Bothered with what?”

                Talking..  Kihyun’s hands stuttered trying to get out a sharp curve for his finger, instead of finishing he dropped his hands, pulling his gloves back on and adjusting the Velcro for the finger.  Hyunwoo usually understood when he stuttered anyway.

                “Talking to you?”  Kihyun nodded and continued to walk, at least at the hospital he had a computer he could type on.  “Kihyun, people talk to you when you’re with me too.”

                Kihyun stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and threw a glare at his brother, once again ripping at his braces in frustration to get a response out quickly.

                Because I’m your freak brother and half the time people think talking to me is a way to get in with you.  I am most…” his hand cramped a bit again as he tried to continue.  Mostly ignored when you are there and when you’re not its all questions about where you are, what food you like and can I trade seats.  He walked off after that.  Hyunwoo did not get to decide his friends anymore.  He didn’t want to feel unwanted anymore.

                They were walking through the hospital when Hyunwoo sighed, breaking the heavy silence between them. “Look, Hyunnie I’m sorry.”  Kihyun looked over at Hyunwoo who seemed to be deep in thought.  “I guess I let judgement of others decide if I liked them or not.  I can’t say I am happy about it, their reputation has to come from somewhere Hyun.  But if you feel you trust them, then I guess I’ll have to trust them with you.  I’m just really protective of you.  You’re my only brother.”  Hyunwoo sighed again and opened his arms, waiting.

                Kihyun had a brief moment of fear, a small flashback to another life, one of wanting warmth and of a boy with a smile.  He gave a tight smile and stepped into the circle of his brother’s arms, his protector, his savior.

                “You tell me if anything happens okay?  If you ever hang out with them outside of school, I need to know where you go.  I’ll worry otherwise.”  Hyunwoo’s arms hovered around him, much like they did when he climbed into his lap many years ago.  Barely touching him.  Just the right way Kihyun could stand hugs.

                Kihyun nodded, he could do that much, was already planning on doing that much. 

                “Alright, go meet dad and I’ll see you at home okay?  Or do you want me to stay?”  Kihyun shook his head.  “Alrighty, I need your help with math when you do get back.”  Hyunwoo scrunched his nose.  “They are doing some weird line thing that I find irrelevant to what I want to do in life, so I basically ignored class.”  Kihyun rolled his eyes.  “Shh, I can already hear you lecturing me Hyunnie, go before I get really depressed about it.”

                Kihyun gave his brother a smiled before heading off to the therapy rooms.  Though the hospitals had changed Hoon was still his doctor.  Always trying to do something that may help make Kihyun’s life a little easier.  When he was six they found the braces he wore now, the adjustable finger supports allowed him to stretch his hands throughout the day.  So far it had helped a great deal, he could sign a bit better.  He still had the stuttering issues over certain words and letters, but it was definitely better than when he was first learning.

                There were other things Hoon liked to do every now and then that Kihyun couldn’t stand.  When he was six after he was able to walk again they started on touching exercises, first with Hyunwoo, which was easier.  He had a bond with Hyunwoo and he never wanted to disappoint the older boy.  The other person they tried with was Hyunwoo’s mother.  Kihyun will always be ashamed whenever he looks back on it, till the very end he was never able to hug the woman who had accepted him as one of her own.  She never held his fear against him either, always telling him it was okay, even before she passed.  Hoon had tried once, but it was clear that even more than the prodding touch of an exam had Kihyun running scared.

                Vocal exercises were another thing that Hoon had tried to work with him with.  At first when he was learning sign language Hoon refused to let everyone learn, that way he would have to use his voice.  Those were the days that Kihyun hated the most after the touching exercises.  And it wasn’t like Kihyun didn’t know the words.  He knew them, could sound them out and speak clearly.  There was never anything wrong with his vocals.  But the only time he could get the words out was the dead of night, or in a room alone.  But no one would be allowed to hear him.  Something about people hearing him talk had him more terrified than people seeing the scars on his hands.

                Kihyun walked into the therapy room as Hoon was stacking papers.  “Hey Kihyunnie, if you give me a minute, I have to finish these tests and then we can pick up where we left off.  I hope you practiced.”  Hoon gave him a tight smile as he was leaving the room.

                Kihyun tightened both of his braces, giving his fingers the extra stretch he was sure they needed before they ran through the hand exercises again.  Hoon had been teaching him how to type for the past few weeks.  Since his hand writing was difficult to read, the good doctor thought that maybe typing would help.  But the angle he had to keep his hands to type ‘correctly’ hurt more than holding a pen.  Punching the keys with a pen was much easier.

                It was another part of therapy that Kihyun didn’t understand why Hoon had been so dead set on him learning.  Just like folding clothes, or cutting things.  He did laundry in the house, but Hyunwoo always folded it.  He made dinner, but anytime he would have to cut something, they would be different sizes because he couldn’t keep even pressure on the knife, or move fast when cutting.  He figured just being able to cook was a plus, he didn’t see the need for everything to be cut the same size.  Or for folding things.  But exercises like these were the only thing Kihyun could stand Hoon helping with.

                He walked a small circle around the room, looking at different posters on muscles and bone structure.  He nodded to himself before he stuck his head out into the hallway, looking both ways. 

                It was empty.

                Kihyun closed the door as quietly as he could and took a deep breath.  He closed his eyes and gave a quick throat clearing cough.

                “Today, was a good day.”  Kihyun smiled as the words came out.  Raspy, but they were clear.  He hummed in happiness, and then started singing a song he had heard earlier that day.  He didn’t hear the click as the door opened, or the shuffle of slippered feet as someone entered.  He finished with a smile, knowing that he wouldn’t have the courage to sing again for a while.

                “Your voice is beautiful.”

                Kihyun’s eyes snapped open, a cold sweat enveloping him as he stared at a thin man leaning against the door of the room.

                “I’m sorry, I was hiding from my doctor and I heard you singing as I was walking down the hall.  I wanted to tell you how beautiful it was, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intrude.”

                Kihyun could feel the fear bubbling in his throat.  He could feel the shaking starting, his hands wanting to clench against the braces holding them straight.

                “Oh.  Oh no.  I’m sorry,” the boy gave him a panicked look.  “I won’t tell anyone.  Please, I’m sorry.”

                Kihyun shook his head, trying his best to take deep breaths to calm down.

                “Oh.  I’m so sorry.  I’m not good at calming down either.  Do you need me to leave?”       

                Kihyun shook his head.  No, it would be okay.  He could be okay.  The man didn’t know.  He would be okay.

                “You don’t need a hug or anything right?  I’m afraid with how I am right now that it wouldn’t work.”

                Kihyun shook his head so fast that his neck cracked a bit.

                “Okay good.  Would you like us both to sit down?”

                Kihyun managed to get a shaky breath through the tightness and nodded.  Equal footing was always good.  Close to the floor in case he passed out.

                They both sat and Kihyun continued to take deep breaths.

                “My name is Minhyuk.  I’m here being treated for a panic disorder.  Really, it was for something else, but it ended with me having a disorder.  Its weird how PTSD works isn’t it?”  Minhyuk gave him a small smile.  “Sorry, I usually talk through my panic attacks.  But I know not everyone is the same.”

                Kihyun gave him a shaky smile and reached for his bag.  His handy notebook opened to a fresh page so he could write.

I’m Kihyun.  I’m here being treated for a variety of things.  Mostly physical therapy right now.  Kihyun flipped the book so Minhyuk could read.

                “Ah!  For your hands?”

                Kihyun nodded.

                “Well that’s good.  I for some reason don’t want my disorder to go away.”  Minhyuk gave him a small smile.  “I have a touching disorder.  I was attacked by my own teammates not too long ago.  But before it happened I used to be really touchy.  I loved hugging everyone, or leaning on people.  I thought that physical contact could make them understand how proud I was for them to get better times or that it was okay that we lost or something.  But maybe that made everyone mad.  I don’t know.  But I think my happiness and my touching is what caused everything to happen.”

                Kihyun understood the disorder.  He went through it himself, in the end small touches and hugs from Hyunwoo were okay.  As long as he saw them coming.

                I don’t like being touched either.

                “Ah!  So you understand.”  Minhyuk gave him a bright smile.  “The only thing is that my group of friends want me to get better; they don’t really know how to handle not being able to hug me whenever.  Right now, they are so angry at the team that they won’t let me be by myself for too long.  At least one of them sits with me all day.  But when I have attack they freak out.  Gun said it was because he was use to just being able to hug me better.”

                Kihyun thought for a moment.

                My brother had the same issue when we were kids.  However he did his best to have patience.  He always reaches out a hand for me to take, or to show that he wants to tap me or hug me.  Maybe if you talk to your friends and had them do that, it might help a bit. 

                Kihyun’s hand cramped as he wrote, but he was glad he could give Minhyuk some advice on the issue.

                “Hm.  Maybe.  Baby steps I guess will help.”  Minhyuk smiled.  “Maybe your idea will help me accept them again.  Are you feeling better know?”

                Kihyun nodded.

                “I really am sorry.  I guess not many people hear you talk?”

                No one knows I can.  I get scared when I want to say something.

                “Oh, I’m special then.”  Minhyuk did a small dance in his spot; it was ridiculous enough to cause Kihyun to let out a small bubble of laughter.  “I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

                Thank you.  I’m hoping that soon I can find strength to use my voice.  I would like to give my brother some progress after everything he’s done for me.

                “Well maybe I can help you then!”  Minhyuk pulled out a phone from his hospital pants pocket.  “Put your number in here.  And maybe once or twice a week we call and speak to each other.

                I don’t know.

                “We can always try.  Or maybe we can video chat.  That way you can get used to looking at someone’s face.”

                I’m still really scared.

                “We can be scared together.  Okay?  My friends will help me get over my fear.  So I will help you get over your fear of talking.  I wanna hear you sing again, and I don’t want it to be because I was sneaking around and happened upon it.”  Minhyuk smiled again.  “Okay?  Do we have a deal?”

                Kihyun smiled and looked down at his notebook sitting between them, the pen between his braced fingers.  He nodded.  “Okay.”  He whispered, his heart pounding as the word came out.

                “You’re doing great already.”  Just then the door banged open causing Kihyun to jump and scurry under the nearest desk.

                “Kihyun?”  Minhyuk asked.  “You jerk, why did you have to go and scare my friend?”

                “I’m sorry Min, you had me and Gun worried.  We panicked.”  There was a clearing of a throat and a ringing tone.

                “You find him?” 

                “Yeah I got him Gun.  I’ll walk back to the room in a second.” 

                “Alright, let him know its adding to his list of hugs he has to give me.”

                “I will Gun, call Jooheon so he can stop worrying.”  There was another beep and then a long sigh.  “Min, can you at least text us.  Please?”

                “I’m sorry Wonho.”

                Kihyun could feel his ears perk at the name and he risked peaking his eyes over his knees.

                “Alright, we got you all situated.  The chief of police signed your forms since Mama couldn’t come down.”

                “I can go home?”

                “Yeah.  You can rest at home.  I.M will be staying with you tomorrow.”

                “Okay.”

                “Alright, now.  Where is this friend so I can apologize to them?”

                “I think he’s under the desk.  Don’t touch him though!  He gets scared like I do.”

                “Alright Minnie.”  There was a shuffle and then booted feet stopped before the desk.  Jeans pulled tight across knees and thighs as the muscles expanded, until finally Hoseok was there sitting in front of the desk.  “Kihyun?”

                “You know him?”

                “Met him at school earlier before I had to…nevermind.  We met earlier today.”  Hoseok gave Kihyun a small smile before taking his own deep breaths.  “You know seeing you twice in one day is quite the shock to my system.”

                “Oh no.”

                “You can’t deny that he is completely adorable Min.”

                “And I won’t.  But to go and get your grease all over him after meeting twice.”

                “Yeah, yeah.  Come here little one.  I’m sorry I scared you earlier.  Minhyuk is one of my best friends and I got worried when he wasn’t in his room.  Come out and show me those beautiful eyes you have.”  Hoseok smiled and squinted at him.

                “Please little one?”

                “You’re a grease ball, go away.”

                “No, I want to make sure he knows I’m sorry.”

                “What if he’s not coming out because you’re being a greasy er?”

                “I’m gonna make you sleep in the living room with the computer system.”

                “Mama wouldn’t let you.”

                “I hate you.”

                “Yeah, yeah.”

                Kihyun smiled as he listened to them.  Content with watching Hoseok look up at Minhyuk with a sweet smile.  His pale hand once again sitting out in front of him for Kihyun to take when he was ready.  He shuffled a bit.  The desk had been his favorite hiding spot as a kid, but now it was quite uncomfortable to squish himself into the small place.

                “And then Jaebum sent me a message that he saw them wondering around his area again so I had to really look into it because Jae is sick so they are both home with him and that’s why I was la-.”  Hoseok looked at the thin hand place in his, shock written over his features as Kihyun gave his hand a light tug as he tried to shuffle out from under the desk.  Hoseok gently gripped his hand.  Providing Kihyun the stability he needed to make his way back out.  “Hello there little one.”  Hoseok said with a bright smile.

                Kihyun’s eyes widened as he was fully assaulted by the smell of peppermint.  Hoseok looked recently showered, his hair was still drying, his clothes had changed from when they had met earlier in the day.  There was a small tug and Kihyun felt himself propel forward a bit more until his knees were bumping into Hoseok’s.  Hoseok’s thumb rubbed the back of his hand like he had done earlier, flashing Kihyun a handsome smile.

                “Hello again.”

                Kihyun smiled shyly before settling more firmly in front of Hoseok.

                “I trust the rest of your day was good?”

                Kihyun nodded, giving Minhyuk a shy smile as the boy rolled his eyes at him.

                “You’ve just been making friends with all my friends little one.  Does that mean we can be friends too?  Transitive property and all that?”

                “Did you really just use algebra as a pick-up line?”

                “Hush you, I’m trying to make a new friend.”

                “Failing at making a new friend.”

                “Go eat dirt.”

                “No thanks, I rather watch as your shambles of a love life gets torn to shreds by the adorable that is my new friend.”

                “Nonsense.  Kihyun is too sweet to tear my shambles of a love life to shreds.  Aren’t you love?”

                Kihyun just gave Hoseok a small smile as he watched the perfect thumb trace its way up a particular rough scar.  He looked up at Minhyuk and pointed at his hand and then at Hoseok and then reached his brace out to Minhyuk, hoping that he would understand.

                “What was that?”

                Kihyun pouted a bit.

                “Here!”  Minhyuk pushed his note book and pen over to him and Kihyun was slow to pull his hand out of Hoseok’s grip.

                He does a great job for the panic disorder you have.  He’s really patient.

                “I think that’s only for you.  We’re like brothers, I’m pretty sure he’s waiting to toss me out a window.”

                “Out a window, in front of a train, same things.”  Hoseok reached his hand out to Kihyun again.  “If you let me Kihyun.  I would like to get to know you.”

                Kihyun blushed as Minhyuk groaned and banged his head against a wall.  Kihyun was pretty sure the words ‘cheeky mother er,’ had slipped out between each bang.  Kihyun smiled and reached for the pale hand again before a voice interrupted them.

                “This is a private treatment room.  Can I help you sir?”  Hoon had come back, different materials held in his hand.

                “Oh, doctor Hoon!”  Minhyuk said, standing closer to the wall he had been banging his head on.

                “Minhyuk?  What are you doing out of your room?”

                “Oh I wanted to go say goodbye to one of the nurses and got lost and saw someone sitting in here.  He looked sad so I said hello.

                “Oh?  And who may I ask signed you out?  I thought you were still looking for a guardian.”  Kihyun pressed his hand into Hoseok’s, scared.  He never liked Hoon when he was cold and calculating like this.  This was the horrible doctor side that caused him to be mean and impatient during treatment.

                “Minhyuk is my brother, the Chief of police himself came and signed him out so he can rest properly at home.”  Hoseok stood, gently pulling Kihyun up with him.  “I was just saying hello to Kihyun.  I met him at school earlier today.”  Hoseok smiled at Hoon, but it didn’t reach his eyes.  “He was showing us different ways to communicate with him so that we can talk to one another better.”  Hoseok grabbed Kihyun’s brace from off the floor and handed it to Kihyun gently.

                “You met my son at school today?”

                “Yes, sir.”

                “Does Hyunwoo know you made new friends Kihyun?”  Hoon smiled towards him and Kihyun gripped Hoseok’s hand in fear.  He nodded, watching as Hoon’s eyes dipped to their linked hands, not missing the way Hoseok ran his thumb over the back of his hand in an effort to calm him down.

                “Well, that’s wonderful Kihyun.  I’m glad you made friends on your first day.”  Kihyun gave Hoseok a small smile and let go of the strong hand to put his brace on.  “Now gentlemen if you excuse us, Kihyun has some therapy to go through today.  Minhyuk, I hope rest well.”

                “Yes sir, thank you.”  Minhyuk tried to smile but the action seemed too forced.

                Hoseok moved so that he was blocking Kihyun’s line of sight to Hoon.

                You going to be okay?  He mouthed to him.

                Kihyun smiled brightly and reached up to touch Hoseok’s face with a covered finger. He wrote a small ‘ok’ across the smooth looking cheek, causing a silly smile to appear on Hoseok’s face.

                “I’ll hopefully see you tomorrow then?”

                Kihyun nodded.

                “Alright, let’s go Min.  I’m sure you’re anxious to be back in your own room.”  Hoseok walked towards the door that Hoon was still blocking.  “Excuse us, we would go around you but Minhyuk is still working on his new found fear at this time.  I’m sure he would feel more comfortable if he didn’t have a chance to run into anyone at all.”

                “Oh, of course.  My apologies Minhyuk.”  Hoon made his way into the room, over next to Kihyun, causing the boy to jump a bit.  “Have a nice day boys, please close the door on your way out.”

                Hoseok gave Kihyun one last worried look before he closed the door firmly.

                “So Kihyun.”  Kihyun felt the air in the room shift coldly.  “Let’s get started shall we?  We will start by you telling me about your day at school.”  Kihyun nodded and worked his braces off, stretching his fingers out as much as possible.  Kihyun’s nose scrunched.  This was gonna be a long session.

 

~`~

                Kihyun sat at his desk in what was supposed to have been his own room.  Completely defeated from the day.  He had done is best to type correctly.  It didn’t work out and in the end, Hoon had left the room frustrated at him for not practicing more.

                He stared at his math book, looking over line segments that Hyunwoo had been worried about, but his thoughts kept drifting back to Hoseok and Hyungwon and all the other friends he seemed to have made today.  It had been a good day, even if it had ended in disappointment.  His phone buzzed in his pocket.

                Hey little bro, I’m out with the swim team, probably will be home late.  Let me know if you need anything and I will come right home.

                Kihyun sighed.  He went to the door to the room and made sure it was firmly locked.  And then pushed the piece of wood underneath the knob as added measure.  It was a door jamb that Hyunwoo had made him when they were kids, something that would help Kihyun feel safe when he was alone.  He looked around the room.  They had moved into a four-bedroom house with the intention that everyone would get their own room, and that Hyunwoo and Kihyun could use the fourth room as a study.  But Kihyun still had a hard time being by himself at night, and the first week while they were attending to the funeral arrangements, Kihyun had fits of sleep, never really getting any.  In the end, Hyunwoo and Kihyun went back to sharing, and each of them got their own study room.

                He looked over at the pile of pillows and blankets he had in a corner.  Maybe because it had been a long eventful day, with two panic attacks, he would be able to sleep fine.  Kihyun tapped his foot on the floor and stared at each corner of the room.  There was enough room in his reading corner to sleep in, it was away from both the door and the window, he would be okay.  Hopefully.

                He left the light on and settled down in his pile of blankets, making himself as comfortable as possible.  He hopped that with the amount of good that had happened today, his dreams would be for once plagued by the light and not the dark.