With a promise to meet again as soon as possible, Mark and Youngjae each departed to their homes. And with that Youngjae’s fantasy ended, hopefully not forever, but for quite a while indubitably.

Youngjae was back to his regular cycle: wake up, university, go to sleep. He used to have “party” as an essential part of the list, but it was checked off forever when Youngjae realized how trivial and meaningless it all was, and how everyone in the room didn’t care for him and wouldn’t notice if he disappeared.

One moment Youngjae was drinking his problems away in the centre of a group of people just as drunk as Youngjae, and then the next moment he was surrounded by strangers inside of a house he didn’t recognize. And that’s when it hit him. His thoughts and opinions didn’t matter, neither did his existence. No one cared and will ever care. Life is pointless.

“Hyung, I’m back,” Youngjae said, as he entered the tiny apartment he rented with Jackson, a junior who was kind enough to let Youngjae stay with him.

“Cool,” Jackson replied, and carried on to do whatever he was doing.

Jackson and Youngjae weren’t the “best friends” kind of roommates that shared each other’s secrets and knew every detail about one another. Youngjae didn’t know much about Jackson, same with Jackson, and they both liked it as that. The few times they talked for more than a minute were all about their shared apartment; other than that all they said to each other was “I’m home” and “I’m going out”.

Nevertheless, the two cared enough about each other to buy each other’s daily essentials, or favorite snacks without being asked to. And no matter how out of the ordinary it was, both sensed when the other needed a listening ear: without advices, extra commentaries and judgment, Jackson and Youngjae sat there for one another hearing out their problems or issues, and after a few hours of ranting, the topic was never brought to light again; they both liked it as that.

Jackson had been noticing that Youngjae had been in a bad mood the last few days. And the older could already tell it was because of his boyfriend.

“Kiddo, do you need to talk about something?” Jackson said as he entered Youngjae’s small, closet like room.

“Jaebum hyung suggested an open relationship and I agreed.” Youngjae shared, looking at the blank white ceiling as he was lying down.

“And then he lied about why he wanted an open relationship, and even though I knew he was lying through his teeth, I took the bait and fell for every word he was mindlessly spitting at me,” Youngjae continued. He didn’t need a reassurance from Jackson that he was still listening, he knew he was.

“And yesterday I hear news about Jaebum hyung screwing every guy he sees at the club as soon as I walk into the lecture hall. The worst part wasn’t the news, but the way everyone stared at me. They looked at me as if someone had died, with such disgusting pity; it made want to throw up. I don’t even understand, why pity me? It’s not like any of them personally know me, or have shared my experience. They don’t know anything, yet they run around with their worthless sympathy, searching for a person to care and give them attention.”

“I hate how they make up their own tragedy using someone else’s mourning.” Youngjae finished.

“And you can’t just get out that ty relationship?” Jackson asked, breaking their unspoken rule about zero questions. But Jackson couldn’t help it. It was horrible to watch Youngjae tear down himself for such an insignificant person. It was amusing how many scars that person was leaving behind, that Jackson wanted Youngjae to end everything. Youngjae didn’t deserve any of it.

“How dare someone like me wish to break off such a fortunate affiliation?” Youngjae ironically answered.

“I’m a useless piece of , hyung, if you had forgotten. It was a big miracle that Jaebum made such a huge decision to date me,” Youngjae didn’t know if he was being sarcastic or not at this point.

“So you’re just going to wait around for Jaebum to break the ties?”

“What else can I do?”

“It might not be my place to say this, but I think you should cut him loose, Youngjae. Stop letting him hurt you like this.” Jackson said.

“But how can I let everything go?”

Jaebum gave Youngjae the best memories of his life. The happiest memories came from days he spent with Jaebum. After Jaebum came into his life, for the first time in his life Youngjae felt like soaring into the sky. Jaebum gave Youngjae a taste of absolute, independent, unlimited happiness and joy. So how can Youngjae disregard all of that and let Jaebum go?

As far as Jackson knew, Youngjae started to develop all kinds of mental health issues after he started to date Jaebum. Youngjae, the optimistic outspoken passionate kid with real fire in his eyes, started to change into a timid reserved insecure person. Jackson remembered how Youngjae couldn’t sleep for days after Jaebum’s drunken call, because of how the older had called Youngjae a “good for nothing fat bag of waste”. Jackson also remembered the days Youngjae spent crying in his room instead of going out with his high school friends, because Jaebum had asked out a freshman from his university to a dinner date. From what Jackson remembered, Jaebum brought nothing but sorrow and pain into Youngjae’s life.

“would it be possible for you to hang out with me tomorrow?” Mark’s text read. And Youngjae was contemplating to send a negative answer.

The reality was that Youngjae was completely free but didn’t want to meet Mark, the good looking, kind hearted stranger from the other day.

Youngjae didn’t hate Mark. But he was scared Mark would hate him if he saw him. Mark would hate him because he was disgusting looking. Mark would despise him because he was nothing Mark thought to be. Mark wouldn’t be able to stand him because he was nothing more than an untalented, especial and terrestrial being, a gross parasite.

“I’m sorry; I would love to hang out, but…” Youngjae started to type out, but couldn’t bring himself to finish it.

Regardless of how much Youngjae wanted to see Mark once more, Youngjae had to withstand the urge to agree to meet. Mark wouldn’t like him. And Youngjae would be just left with another ruined friendship.

Youngjae wanted everything Mark said to him to be true. But he was scared to give his all into another lie and have his soul taken away again. He wanted to enjoy the date with one of the friendliest people he’s ever met, he wanted to see Mark’s smile again. But Youngjae’s fear of it all being just a false facade Mark was putting out to fool Youngjae was not letting him.

Nevertheless, Youngjae decided to dive into the endless ocean of anxiety and doubt. So what Mark turns out to be a fraud, a liar? It’s not like it was Youngjae’s first time meeting one of those.

Youngjae wanted to enjoy something without the fear of failure and shame eating him alive.

Plus a small, the tiniest part of Youngjae still trusted Mark. And an even smaller part was still under Jaebum’s spell, still had faith in him, and still loved him to death.

Jackson saw for the first time in a while Youngjae look at himself in a mirror and smile. The kid had such a bright and such a gorgeous smile; it was pity that he didn’t accessorize his face with it often. But on the other hand, his smile betrayed Youngjae and gave out his inner naïve gullible heart, so that it was easier for bad people play tricks on the innocent child.

The first time Jackson saw Youngjae’s smile, it made him want to protect Youngjae for the rest of his life. As if Youngjae had been waiting his whole life for someone like Jackson. As if keeping horrible people away from Youngjae was Jackson’s mission on earth. As if that was the reason for Jackson’s life. Youngjae’s smile was why Jackson had let him rent the apartment with him, why the older always quietly took care of Youngjae, why he did things he had never done prior so that Youngjae could live in a better space.

Without even Jackson’s consent, Youngjae had taken away his clear mind and heart away from him.

Youngjae had agreed on meeting with Mark, and they both decided to meet at the café they both met for the first time.

“Youngjae, you came!” Mark said, getting up from his seat to greet Youngjae.

“I told you I would. Did you think I would flake out?” Youngjae replied and unintentionally smiled.

“That’s the second time you smiled ever since we met. That’s the second time I’m seeing it.” Mark noted.

“It’s still baffling how gorgeous it is, Youngjae.” Mark commented. Youngjae was flustered, and he was still smiling.

“You know how there are things like people who were born to sing, or born to construct the most beautiful buildings? I think God made you so that you can heal and inspire with your smile. You were born to energize and encourage with your smile, Choi Youngjae.” Mark suddenly spoke.

“I think hyung was made to smile.”

“Then, perhaps, were you made for me?”

Youngjae felt weird, he was breathless and it seemed as if all the oxygen was disappearing slowly. Youngjae needed more air. He needed to breathe, but couldn’t.

“Are you okay?” Mark asked, noticing how unsettled the younger had become.

“Something bothering you?” Mark asked, worried about the anxious behavior of Youngjae’s.

“No, I think I just need some fresh air, everything’s fine, it’s all fine,” Youngjae kept repeating himself to reassure himself that everything was fine when in fact he knew everything was far from being fine.

“Do you want to go get some ice cream?” Mark offered and for that Youngjae was grateful.

“Youngjae, is something wrong? You look a little strange.”

“No, it’s all fine, hyung.”

“I don’t believe you. What is wrong? Tell me, honestly. Or else I won’t let you go.”

“Do you feel better?” Mark checked the boy who looked much more peaceful than before, who was standing right before him with a cone of ice cream. Mark found him very cute.

“Much better,” Youngjae answered. And this time it was true. He felt a lot more comfortable and safe. He was safe from Jaebum’s malicious ways of torture.

Youngjae and Mark took a walk by Youngjae’s decision. He was too scared he could have another anxiety attack, so preferred the street to any café. Fresh air was always better than any spacey café.

“Oh so you’re not a true Seoul resident,” Mark repeated after Youngjae.

“Yeah, and honestly, I like Mokpo better. Life in Seoul is so chaotic, disorderly and loud.” Youngjae wanted his younger days back. The days where he would just run around with his friends, where he was in a place he was familiar with, surrounded by people he loved and respected.

“Choi Young Jae.” Someone said and Youngjae literally froze in place upon hearing the low and domineering voice.

“It’s surprising to see you here,” the guy followed up, knowing very well how terrified of him was Youngjae.

“Shownu hyung,” Youngjae mumbled under his breath, trying his best to avoid the elder’s intense gaze.

“And this is… replacement Jaebum?” Shownu mocked, pointing at Mark.

“I’m Mark, actually,” Mark corrected the stranger, looking directly into his eyes.

“Mark, of course. Mark Tuan.” Shownu’s memory seemed to revive itself. He remembered. Of course he would. Everyone remembered.

“I don’t think Jaebum would be too pleased to hear about this, guys. Choi Young Jae, you hear me?” Shownu added, and with each word he spoke Youngjae’s heart beat fastened.

“Well, enjoy yourselves. Continue on with the date,” Shownu smiled in a way that sent cold chills down people’s spines.

Youngjae wanted to die. Out of all people, he had to meet Shownu.

Although Mark and Youngjae both had a thousand questions inside their minds, they didn’t have the courage to ask either of them, mostly because they wouldn’t be able to answer the questions that would follow the answers.

Youngjae was in a bad place right now. Anyone could tell. He was stressing out about the conversation Jaebum’s going to have with him about today, about the comments he was going to throw around. Youngjae didn’t want to face Jaebum.

Mark was horrified his past would be exposed to Youngjae through Jaebum or any of his friends. Mark was never a fan of them, and for a good reason.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Mark suggested, so that the two of them could both think of answers to questions they were unprepared to answer. And Youngjae knew it.

“I think I’m just going to go home,” Youngjae replied. And Mark understood him and the situation he was stuck in, so he didn’t have the heart to argue with him. So he just let him go home.

Mark didn’t want the bond he had with Youngjae to disappear and go to waste.

Mark had been looking for someone to put patches on all his wounds for quite a while now. And then he saw Youngjae, the patient, obedient and completely broken boy. Mark knew Youngjae needed him, and he knew that he needed Youngjae as well.

From the moment Youngjae’s warm, innocent pair of eyes met Mark’s, Mark knew he had to have Youngjae. Youngjae would fix everything in Mark’s life. He would correct the mistakes and take away the hurt, the pain and the unbreakable sadness. Youngjae was Mark’s small angel.

And Mark was right. Because with each word Youngjae spoke, each time Youngjae made Mark laugh with his silly stories and each time he smiled, Mark’s heart was being treated, he was being cured. Mark needed Youngjae who was still fresh and naïve, who fell in love too quickly.

Mark needed Youngjae to fall for him fast and hard. He needed Youngjae and his unearthly smile beside him all the time. Youngjae’s smile still had its brightness and extraordinary shine. Youngjae still contained within himself the unadulterated hope and belief in the good of the world.

Mark needed Youngjae to save him.

Youngjae came home and immediately locked himself inside his room, the only safe place he could think of. Maybe Jaebum won’t react; maybe he won’t call and make a big deal out of this.

Youngjae couldn’t settle down. What will Jaebum think when he hears about Mark? What will he do?

Youngjae wanted everything to be over. He wanted everyone to disappear. Youngjae wished he had rejected Mark’s offer to help that day, he wished he could go back and end things with Jaebum that day. He wanted his childhood back. He wanted the calm, quiet green field full of flowers back.

Everything was too much to deal with. Youngjae didn’t want any of this. He wanted to go away and never return.

Youngjae couldn’t sleep at all. The terrifying things Jaebum might do were lingering on his mind and kept him up all night long. Youngjae stayed at one spot with empty eyes staring at the blank white wall of his boring, small room.

And it was three in the morning. And Youngjae’s phone started to buzz.

“Choi Youngjae, I didn’t know you would replace me this quick,” Jaebum was obviously very wasted. Youngjae got even more nervous than before. He didn’t know what to answer; he didn’t even want to answer.

“Hyung, you should go to sleep.” Youngjae spoke quietly.

“You’re not supposed to be telling me what to do, Choi Youngjae.” Jaebum snapped back.

Youngjae felt guilty and worthless.

“You’re nothing, Choi Youngjae. You hear me? Nothing. You don’t mean anything to me, to Mark, to anyone.” Jaebum continued, and was completely unaware of his drunken mind’s thought process.

“Do you know why Mark is clinging on to you? Because it’s beneficial for him. Because he saw something in you that would be good for him. That’s who Mark exactly is. A bastard, that is going to leave you as soon as he gets what he wants.” Jaebum slurred.

“He’s going to leave you, Choi Youngjae. Just like everyone else in your life.”

“You’re some piece of disgusting garbage. No one wants you. No one loves you.” Jaebum insulted.

“I don’t love you.” Jaebum said and hung up.

Youngjae closed his eyes and took a breath. Tears started to involuntarily spill.

Youngjae didn’t want to exist. He didn’t want to hear, see, smell and feel Jaebum any longer. No matter how exquisite Jaebum smelled, no matter how electrifying Jaebum’s touch was. Youngjae wanted to forget everything. As if Jaebum never even existed, but Jaebum had left too big of a mark in Youngjae’s life that it was impossible to forget and wipe off the horrible memories of Jaebum and their relationship.

Youngjae knew that dying was the only way out of this torturous situation, out of this hell.

Youngjae couldn’t deal anymore.

Youngjae didn’t sleep that night. Jackson knew that the best out of all people.

Jackson had been hearing Youngjae’s loud screams of horror all night. He also heard loud noises of things breaking and crashing. And other sounds of things falling. Youngjae was hurting himself. And no matter how much Jackson knew he had to stop him, he couldn’t and didn’t.

Something similar happened almost all the time. And every time Youngjae would try to hurt himself Jackson turn the blind eye and ignore it all. But one time everything got so out of control that Jackson had to interfere.

One day Jackson came from work to find absolute silence dominating the apartment. No music, no singing, no voices of people inside the TV. Although Jackson found the silence unsettling and strange, he didn’t mind it at first.

But then, as he opened the door to Youngjae’s room, all he saw was blood and a pale body.

Youngjae was on the floor with both of his wrists cut.

Jackson still remembered that incident and still got nightmares associated with it. It was so petrifying for Jackson to see someone so dear to him on the floor half dead with gallons of blood poured out of his small body that he had to get therapy to calm down his nerves.

But even after that, Jackson continued not to meddle in Youngjae’s personal life and private problems.

Youngjae was in his room ripping out his hair and bumping in the walls. He didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t stop until blood was visible on his white walls. Looking at the red spot in the white painted walls, Youngjae was reminded of the white patches with red sports that were on his wrists one morning when he woke up.

Youngjae didn’t exactly remember the events, but he did remember the screaming voices, blurry figures and the cheap flowers of false sympathy in the small room he was staying in. Youngjae also remembered how after that everyone tried their best to avoid any sort of conversation with him. And he of course remembered how Jaebum didn’t visit once while Youngjae was in the hospital, and how he had Youngjae pick him up from a party the day Youngjae got checked out of the hospital because he was too wasted to go alone.

Youngjae missed his classes the next day. He didn’t want to see Jaebum or any of his friends at the facility. And he didn’t have the energy to do any type of physical activity. He just wanted to stay in bed and wait for his death.

Mark was worried because Youngjae didn’t show up to their date place, and he wasn’t picking up his phone. What could have happened?

As Mark was walking up to the street Youngjae was said to live on, he met him. The guy who screwed over his life. Because of this heinous creature Mark lost his all.

“Funny to see you here,” Jaebum spoke first. The dude was wasted; he couldn’t stand on his legs properly.

“I don’t want to talk to you, or meet you ever again. Get out of the way.” Mark replied, walking past Jaebum who strongly reeked of all types of alcohol and cigarettes.

“Don’t act like you were the one to get hurt, Mark. I got hurt too. You ed me up real good.” Jaebum spat out. Old memories started to wake up, and the pain started all over again.

“And now you’re trying to mess with Youngjae, huh?” Jaebum continued.

“Don’t. He doesn’t deserve whatever you have for him in store. He had done nothing wrong. You hear me? Don’t you dare mess with that kid.” Jaebum warned with spite and hatred written on his face.

“I can’t exactly mess up a person who’s already been stepped on by you over and over again.” Mark hit back and walked away.

Mark had to look for Youngjae’s apartment for over two hours. And he was about to walk away again when the door was opened by a buff guy with sharp facial features and extremely kind eyes. It was the first time for Mark to see such innocent, gentle, and caring pair of eyes.

“Oh sorry, I must’ve knocked on the wrong door.” Mark was about to turn to the next door, hoping that this door would the door to Youngjae.

“Wait, aren’t you Mark?” the guy asked, opening the door wider.

“Yeah,” Mark answered, unenthusiastically. It was about time it all stopped, but apparently God had other plans.

“You’re looking for Choi Youngjae, aren’t you?”

“Yes, yes,” Mark smiled, hearing the set of names he’d dreading to hear again.

“Come inside.”

“I’m Jackson, Youngjae’s roommate. The reason I know you is that I heard Youngjae mention your name a few times over the past couple of days, and also, well, I think everyone our age would know you,” Jackson explained and then pointed Mark to the direction of Youngjae’s room, which was at the moment closed shut.

Mark slowly opened the door and checked the room. Youngjae was on his bed, sleeping.

Mark smiled, observing the calm and undisturbed face of Youngjae’s, nevertheless his pose still gave off anxiety and fear. Mark wanted to hug Youngjae and let him go of his arms.

What this little one must have been through to be scared of Jaebum even in his dreams?

Mark quietly sat down next to Youngjae’s bed and closed his eyes. How nice would it be to forget everything and start this life all over again? If there was a chance to start everything afresh Mark would never meet Jaebum. He would never give him his all and he would never fall for all the lies. Mark also would reject the offer from the devil and would never doubt his choice.

Youngjae was dreaming of the very first few days he spent with Jaebum after their meeting. Everything was like a dream. Beautiful flowers, loud laughter, constant hand holding, and warm hugs – every day was so calm and melodic. To think about it now, it was the calm before the storm, a huge typhoon that would eventually murder everyone on its way.

But fact is still a fact, and those days of fresh, bright love between Youngjae and Jaebum were Youngjae’s fondest memories.

Youngjae often wondered: where had that bright, playful, and affectionate Jaebum gone? Because he wasn’t like the way he is nowadays. He was completely different. He loved Youngjae. And made sure the younger knew it with each and every of his actions and words. Youngjae missed Jaebum.

“Mark hyung?” Youngjae woke up to Mark’s smile.

“I was worried because you didn’t come to the date. And I’m glad I came to find you.” Mark said.

“You are,” Youngjae repeated, unsure of what to say.

“Are you feeling ill, by the way? Why didn’t you go to school today?”

“I just didn’t feel like going,” Youngjae replied and closed his eyes again. And with that silence took over the room. Both Mark and Youngjae felt as if time was stopped for a while, as if the earth had stopped rotating for a while, just for a while, so that the two can take a few breaths.

“How did you meet Jaebum?” Mark decided to ask.

“We both happened to attend an event at the local youth center. And after that Jaebum hyung called me to hang out, so we did.” Youngjae explained briefly.

The night Youngjae bumped into Jaebum was spectacular. It was as if the reality had completely disappeared and the two were flowing in cosmos, surrounded by millions and trillions of stars. Jaebum’s eyes were on Youngjae throughout the entire night. Youngjae felt special, he felt as if he was the only person on earth. And the way Jaebum uttered the words “my prince” at the end of the night to Youngjae, and the smile that came to his gorgeous face afterwards. Youngjae remembered it all. And he loved it all.

“I heard you’re also familiar with Jaebum hyung,” Youngjae stated, looking for an explanation.

“I am. We used to dance together.” Mark disclosed. Youngjae nodded.

Mark and Jaebum were both offered a place in a prestigious entertainment company with a long history of successful artists. And at the time, all Mark thought about was becoming famous and rich without much effort, or education. Jaebum seemed to have thought about the same things. So naturally, both boys accepted the offer and were placed on the list of almost hundred trainees striving to be a star.

Mark and Jaebum were having fun, the most fun they had. Because not only were they doing what they loved – dancing, but also were being paid for it. Plus, the two were deep in love with each other. Nothing could be better. The two were perfect.

Everything was flawless, until the head of the company found out about their romance. After being outed by the other trainees, that were ready to abandon all the morals they had in them just so that the two of the top trainees could be fired, Jaebum quit, and Mark stayed.

“I don’t know if I’m fit to ask you this, but” Youngjae suddenly spoke up.

“Why did you run away from your concert?”

“I ran away. Of course I ran away,” Mark laughed, not knowing what else to do.

“I don’t know why.” Mark answered. And Youngjae didn’t question it any more. He understood.