2.7

I have a weight on my heart, it’s your love.

Those words had remained imprinted in Namjoon's mind for a long time. He vaguely remembered reading them in one of his old books, and although the plot was a nebulous fog in the labyrinthine patterns of his memory, he hadn’t lost those words, they were branded with fire in some recess of his mind.

And those same words, which he had found fascinating while knowing just how far beyond his reach they were, came back to torment him now, hitting him in waves that hurt him at any given time. During the short journeys on campus when he moved from one class to another, whenever he was alone in the kitchen, hitting him almost as if someone was having fun by making him feel like he was tripping on his feet over and over again, deprived of his sense of balance.

He had thought of them for the first time like a sort of enlightenment that late morning when, after fulfilling his tasks at the speed of light so that he could return to Seokjin as soon as possible,  he arrived at the elder's room only to find it empty. And it was at that exact moment that he had – finally – understood the meaning of those words, their specific weight.

Namjoon stuck the book inside his backpack harshly, almost risking to ruin both items since the first one didn't want to enter and the second one seemed uncooperative. It could also be that Namjoon was exaggerating with his brute force, but he told himself with a grimace that he could always replace them. He couldn't say the same thing in regard to his frustration.

The truth was that he had never felt so lonely and lost as he had felt in those days, not even when he had first set foot in the Kim's mansion. In fact, Seokjin hadn't only been avoiding him, he had completely disappeared, and Namjoon was sure that he had been missing from the villa for days. But as much as he wanted to resent him, he was also able to understand the reason and also to imagine, rather accurately, how difficult it must have been for the elder.

He had loved Namjoon from the beginning, or so Seokjin had said, and even though Namjoon himself couldn't wrap his head around it, he didn't think that the elder had lied to him, it was not possible to lie about such a thing. Seokjin had loved the clumsy and fifteen year old Namjoon since their introduction ceremony, whereas the younger didn't even have the decency to notice his feelings, not really, much less thinking of return them, soulmates or not. Perhaps above all because of this.

Yet Namjoon wasn't naive, as much as he tried to keep it hidden from himself, he was perfectly aware of the fact that there were feelings for his soulmate entangled somewhere inside him and that they were only waiting for the moment he would have found the courage to unravel them. However, this pain, this terrible sense of loss that swallowed him and that was so strong that it was almost a physical ache, derived from the fear of not being able to. Of not being able to return Seokjin's feelings, not because he wasn't capable of, but because he could not.

I have a weight on my heart, it's your love.

As dramatic as it could sound even to his own ears, he felt that loving Jin would have been the last thing he could do and he was afraid that it was going to cost him a price too high, yet the idea of not having him, of not having Jin when the elder didn't even ask to be loved back and yet he still gave him love, it was inconceivable. If he closed his eyes he could still feel the weight of Seokjin's body on his arms, the head of the elder resting on his shoulder.

That evening, when Seokjin had fainted, Namjoon had completely panicked. He hadn't liked the idea of abandoning Seokjin on the cold floor of the terrace, but he didn't know how to ask for help otherwise. Fortunately the bodyguards, aware of their absence, had come to look for them and had found them in a few minutes, removing Namjoon from his dilemma.

As soon as they had spotted Seokjin in his arms, the staff had immediately started to fuss around the elder, making him lie on the floor while one of them lifted his legs and another person controlled his pulse. Seokjin had opened his eyes moments later, much to Namjoon’s relief, but he had looked so deadly pale and weak that the staff had been afraid that he might have lost his senses at any moment. The bodyguards had wasted no time then, and after a few words exchanged with the chief of the Kim staff, a conversation Namjoon hadn't even paid attention to because his gaze hadn't left Jin's face (whose flickering lashes were the only symptom of the fact that he was awake again) for a moment, they had loaded him in the car as if he was a bundle.

Namjoon had not been allowed to leave the party on the grounds since his absence, in addition to Seokjin's sudden disappearance, would have seemed alarming and would have made the episode look more serious than it was. " People could start spreading rumors about the health of the Kim's heir, " the chief of the staff told him, and Namjoon hadn't snarled at him just because Hyosang, probably informed of what had happened, had materialized at his side and had intervened to settle the matter, one of his heavy hands resting on Namjoon's arm to restrain him while he negotiated a return to the villa for him. It had been the longest hour of his life, and it seemed ridiculous to him that he was supposed be sitting there at the table to keep up appearances.

When the sixty minutes had finally passed, Namjoon had not even waited for the staff to give him the approval, he had gotten up from the table without saying goodbye and ran into the corridor, to hell the good manners and Kim title. He hadn't noticed that Hyosang had followed him until he had again felt his presence by his side in the corridor.

Namjoon had looked at him dreadfully, for a moment thinking that he had come with the intention of stopping him, but Hyosang instead, indifferent to his glare, had merely showed him the way.

"Let's go to the back entrance, I prepared a car for you there."

Namjoon, who had no idea where the back was, had realized then that the other was there to help him and that he should have been grateful to him a second time. Observing the profile of his new acquired cousin, the younger had realized that the latter was probably the only member of the Kim family who genuinely cared about Seokjin. They hadn't exchanged a word during the short ride and Namjoon almost regretted it, because in hindsight there were so many things that the other could know that Namjoon ignored and could therefore ask.

Once at the villa he had learned that, after a quick check-up and once it had been established that it was simply a drop in pressure, Seokjin had been ordered to go to rest and he had done so. The words of the staff seemed to suggest that it was better to leave the young heir in peace, but of course no one would have objected if Namjoon decided otherwise. They didn't say anything when they saw him leave and go clearly in the direction of Seokjin's room, but Namjoon wouldn't have dared to disturb, he just wanted to check that Jin was fine. Somehow, he had to soothe the restlessness he had inside and that was threatening to overflow, and it was only when his eyes rested on the sleeping figure of the other that Namjoon felt a wave of relief invade him, while at the same time his stomach did somersaults due to some warm feeling that Namjoon didn't know how to classify other than nervousness.

He had retired to his room at the end, but not after making sure the maids remembered to inform him as soon as Seokjin woke up. Unfortunately for him, such a trick proved to be useless because Seokjin left before he had time to return.

After that several days had passed since Namjoon had last seen him, and the younger was beginning to fear that things were going to stay that way even if and when Seokjin returned.

Unresolved, with an impenetrable wall between them.

Namjoon had desired some things, and he hadn't even desired that many, but it seemed that exactly the opposite to anything he had hoped for had instead happened to him. What was clear to him, however, with a certainty that it was almost burning, was that he wanted Jin back, although admitting it meant accepting that his complicated life would remain so, even if they ended up being only a pair of broken wings.

It was a strange feeling to want someone and at the same time not knowing how. Namjoon sighed. The irritation had somewhat dissipated to leave space to a strange sense of melancholy as he walked alone on the campus patio to reach the cafeteria. In those days he had often found himself swaying between these two emotions and had begun to take his headache pills, for the headache that was tormenting him, almost daily. His mind, always so laborious, was often a burden when he could not find solutions.

Namjoon finally arrived at the cafeteria, but as soon as he set foot there, he couldn't shake off from himself the feeling of being observed. Since Jin was gone and he had no friends, Namjoon often went by himself, and as a result he often had lunch alone nowadays. Those who knew him because they were with him in his courses or those who knew him by reputation (they weren't many, but some seemed to have guessed he was the number one of the Kim's heir) didn't pay attention to him, however the students of other majors couldn't help but look at him as if he were a rare creature since no one, not even numbers zero, liked to move by themselves. Alone.

There was something in the singletude that made people, to whom the concept of couple had been burnt in the minds since birth, uneasy, almost unable to conceive that someone could voluntarily choose to move independently. Surely the melancholic air that hovered over him that had to be visible from a kilometer away didn't help his case, since it was believed that a number two couldn't be anything but happy and satisfied.

In an alternate universe, Namjoon would have laughed at them for their embarrassing blindness, but since he was living in this reality, he had no choice but to act unfazed and proceed his way. He walked quickly towards a secluded table, throwing his backpack on one of the chairs to occupy the place - even though he doubted that anyone would have sat down next to him - then headed for the cart with the trays and proceeded to the counters to fill the tray with as much food as possible, because at least the food would keep him busy for a while.

Namjoon had never been a particularly bubbly person and the awareness of being younger than his classmates had instilled in him a sense of shyness and uneasiness that hadn't made it easy for him to interact. If it hadn't been for Yoongi, who had made him discover his love for music, thus helping him to be bolder, he would never have come out of his shell.

He ate his food slowly, trying to gain time. The sad truth was that, although he had always thought of being able to fend for himself, now even the mundane moments like eating at the table in the cafeteria seemed strange to him, without Jin. The elder had ended up carving a place in Namjoon’s heart without any pressure and without even trying too hard, but he had been too naive to realize it. He was a walking mess, Namjoon told himself, what was the purpose of having a superior brain if he always missed to notice important details?

It was while he was boredly biting an apple and at the same time painfully torturing his brain in an attempt to find a solution to the problem called Jin, that he finally had the opportunity to discover something more as the solution presented itself in the form of none other than Kim Hyosang. Namjoon almost knocked over his tray in a hurry to get up and try to reach him.

It seemed logical to Namjoon that Hyosang was probably the person who more than anyone else could have given him some advice or otherwise provide him with more information as the only approachable Kim but, above all, as Seokjin's best friend, and Namjoon had lamented several times that he had not used the possibility of questioning him that evening when Seokjin had felt ill. Unfortunately for him, he had been too upset to think in a functional way then and for this reason, as soon as he saw the silhouette of Hyosang in the act of putting his empty tray on the cart, Namjoon didn't hesitate.

He got rid of his tray at the speed of light, putting his backpack on his shoulder, and with a feline movement that almost made him stumble, he walked quickly in the direction of the man that was heading towards the exit. His cousin probably had a different lesson from the rowdy friends the latter used to surround himself since Hyosang was, in fact, moving miraculously alone, thus sparing him the painful task of having to separate him from the others in order to talk with him privately.

"Hyosang!" Namjoon called as soon as he reached him while simultaneously putting a hand on his shoulder to stop him. The other, taken aback, shuddered slightly at the touch, but as soon as he realized it was him, his look of surprise turned wary, as if he had expected that meeting but wasn't sure if it was a good idea.

"Namjoon," Hyosang said, tilting his head to the side and Namjoon found his evaluative attitude deeply unnerving.

"Can we exchange two words?" he inquired, but even though his intentions were good, Namjoon realized that his words had sounded like a request that was impossible to say no to more than an actual question.

"Sure," replied the other with the same tolerance a teacher would use towards a difficult student. Namjoon had to refrain from answering him harshly because a collaborative Hyosang was vital for the purpose, so he simply nodded and followed him out of the crowded canteen. Like that night when they had walked a short distance together, Namjoon a few steps behind him, they stayed in total silence until they reached a point on the outer path that led back to the classrooms, which was almost desert.

It was only then that Hyosang slowed down, causing Namjoon to stop a few inches away from him.

"What did you want to talk about?" Hyosang asked with a polite smile that made the younger's skin crawl. The Kims, it didn't take long to figure it out, were weird.

"You know what I want to talk about," Namjoon replied, straightening his shoulders. He had no intention of leaving without proper answers, and it was better that Hyosang would quit fooling around and start taking him seriously.

"I still can't read minds so you will have to be a little more eloquent than-"

"I want answers. I know that you definitely know where Seokjin is and I bet you know a lot of other things and, to be honest, I'm sick and tired of secrets, so you'd better tell me everything. I know that probably- no certainly , I dug my own grave. I shouldn't have cared about the Kims and did as I liked from the beginning, but how could I have expected even half of all this? So let's stop running in circles and-"

Hyosang let out half a smile then, which Namjoon found insulting on many levels, but his disdain had to be evident on his face because his acquired cousin seemed to understand the danger he was running and was quick to put a hand on his shoulder in a friendly way, to appease him. Namjoon didn't feel placated at all and stiffened at his touch. Hyosang didn't give up though.

"I'm so sorry, it's just that such a genuine honesty is so rare, especially if you've lived under the roof of the Kims all your life, that I can't help but smile. I understand now why Seokjin has so much trouble in-"

"In?" Namjoon interjected increasingly suspicious.

"In resisting. In living without it."

Namjoon, if possible, felt even more confused.

"You know, when you've grown up in a certain way some things that should be normal seem instead so rare," Hyosang finished, shrugging and finally removing his hand from Namjoon's shoulder. The latter then took a moment to study the other. Hyosang looked more casual and less snobbish, and when he turned his head and smiled, the blood relationship with his soulmate seemed clear. Namjoon sighed internally. Hyosang’s words sounded strange and confusing because what could he have that Kim Seokjin did not have? However, he ignored that mystery in favor of more pressing truths.

"Half of what you just said doesn't make sense to me, I want to know about Seokjin."

"What do you want to know?" urged the other, and Namjoon understood at that moment that Hyosang was testing him on purpose, he wanted to hear him articulate it. Whatever bond there was between the two cousins, it was clear that they were used to covering each other's backs.

"How is he to begin with? Where is he and why he doesn't want to talk to me? What's behind it all?" he finally asked, leaving aside any hesitation. If being direct was what would pay, even at the cost of swallowing his embarrassment, Namjoon would do it.

"I can tell you about where, as you must have probably already suspected it, Seokjin is with me, although I don't think he'll stay for long. I love him, but he's a bit too grown up to act like a drama queen. As for the talking part, I guess he will do it soon, Jinnie doesn't like dealing with prickly subjects just in fear of hurting others, but he won't deny you a confrontation, not when it is clear that silence is a worse alternative. As for what's behind it... this is a complex question and I don't know the whole truth either. "

"But you knew about my real age," Namjoon guessed, and from Hyosang's gaze he realized that he had hit the point.

"Yes, my father had told me about it, but I did not think my uncle would try to keep it hidden from Seokjin, but the Kims seem to have a talent for making the wrong choice when it comes to their family," Hyosang said, a big sigh that alerted Namjoon escaping from his lips. It was the first time that the other betrayed a bit of tension. "Actually, I believe that all this chaos is also my fault, I was the one who revealed your secret even if indirectly. The rest was all consequential. "

Namjoon tried to digest the words said by Hyosang, wondering in horror since when Seokjin had been aware of his secret. He didn't want to ask Hyosang, and even though the wait would have been painful, he wanted to ask Seokjin personally when he had the chance.

"I just want to talk to him," Namjoon admitted simply, putting his hands in his pocket, suddenly shy. He didn't know why he was saying it, because it was not as if Hyosang could solve the problem for him, but even though this person was different from him, he still felt like he could trust him, if only because he loved Seokjin and the latter loved him back.

"I know," Hyosang replied, not unkindly. "I can understand that it's not easy Namjoon, because they do not tell us this is your soulmate, they only say we are the Kim family, and before we can wrap our head around it they put on us a load of expectations, and for you it's worse because of your age and the fact that Jin is the heir. The Kims had managed to overwhelm and ruin the concept of numbers two, they should be proud of themselves, I guess." Hyosang concluded with a bitter smile.

Namjoon felt the same shiver that he sometimes felt when Seokjin commented on his childhood or spoke about his feelings, words randomly escaping from his mouth like small rear windows on his heart, the same deep sense of loneliness that emanated from Hyosang’s tone, which hurt Namjoon by even trying to imagine it.

"You must understand that Seokjin all his life has waited almost with childlike ingenuity to meet his soulmate and be happy. But then he met you. "

"The worst thing that could happen to him," the younger commented, not without a certain bitterness.

"Not worst, just different. You are different Namjoon," Hyosang said smiling, but then his smile faded and his face turned into a serious expression. He looked at Namjoon straight in the eye as if to make sure he did not miss a single word.

"If you really care about Seokjin, don't lie anymore. Whatever the circumstances, he is your soulmate. Maybe we are only numbers two just as an institution, but I like to think that the true meaning of being paired up is being able to count on someone else."

"I won't," Namjoon promised.

He didn't know who was right, if Hyosang with his temperated positivity or Yoongi with the fatalism of his reality, but perhaps - to be honest - it did not matter.

Perhaps, in the end, it was not a matter of being right or of meeting the standards, because if they thought about it, they had not respected them from the beginning. Maybe it was just a matter between two people, between him and Jin.

Namjoon had a lot to think about when he returned to the Kim mansion, which he still wasn't able to call home. The residence looked frighteningly empty since Seokjin had not returned yet, but knowing where he was made him feel better and Hyosang's words, as much as they had raised more questions than answers, had been strangely comforting.

From the beginning, he had definitely dealt with all this in the wrong way, he had barricaded himself behind a wall of silence for fear of facing the strangeness of their circumstances, and instead of making things bearable, they had finished building a wall that had hurt them more. No matter what the Kim had intimated, Namjoon had lacked courage, but if there was anything he could do well, it was learning quickly and he was not going to make the same mistake a second time. He owed it to himself, but above all to Jin, who had stayed at Namjoon's conditions without pressuring him.

Love makes you do strange things, Yoongi had told him, and if they were true words for Yoongi they were also for Seokjin. Namjoon felt his cheeks turning hot as it happened every time he remembered Jin’s words. He hadn't solved that part of the equation and knew he couldn't forward the matter for long, eventually he would have to look inside that part of himself that had feelings for Jin.

Hyosang had asked him to not lie anymore, and Namjoon somehow felt that he was referring to this part, but although he was ready to be more sincere with the older about the rest, he didn't know if he would be able to do so also regarding this.

"Namjoon," he had been so overwhelmed that he hadn't even noticed that someone had entered the library. This place had indeed become one of Namjoon's favorite rooms. It was stocked with numerous books of the most varied literary and non-literary genres, and although he had often used that space to study the material that Miss Choi gave him, the library was so well stocked that it allowed him not to use the university books because he could find what he needed for his studies there too.

However, when he lifted his head from the book, he realized who exactly called him, and Namjoon felt violated in the privacy of his little shrine. But, indeed, it was Mr. Kim himself who had introduced him to that particular space.

"I see you have suited yourself well," Mr. Kim commente, remaining at the door and Namjoon hoped that this was indicative of the fact that he would not stay long. Even if he had found out that over time his feelings toward Seokjin had mitigated, he couldn't say the same about the elder's family.

"I like this place," Namjoon admitted in the absence of something more intelligible to say. What the hell did Mr. Kim want from him?

Mr. Kim nodded in that uncaring way of his that caused his interlocutor to feel like a perfect idiot. Namjoon wondered if it was something studied or if it was a natural talent.

"I was looking for Seokjin actually, but since you're here I can ask you directly," Mr. Kim said jovially, and Namjoon had to keep himself from mocking him openly. Being soulmates didn't mean that Namjoon possessed a radar that told him where the other was always and in any case, but besides, how had Mr. Kim not realized that his son hadn't set foot in the villa for days?

"Seokjin is not here, he's at Hyosang's," Namjoon answered seriously, not even trying to hide his disappointment.

But Mr. Kim smiled good-naturedly as if it did not touch him. Namjoon wondered if there was anything that could make the man waver just a little bit. If one day he had the pleasure of attending such a scene he would have been satisfied.

"Oh yeah, sometimes Seokjin does it," he replied as if that of Seokjin was a futile whim that he, however, in his great magnanimity allowed. "Thank you, it means that I will talk to him some other time," he concluded leaving Namjoon speechless, unable to accept the fact that Mr. Kim didn't even feel a little disturbed by the thing. It was true that if his son was really in danger he would be informed, after all, he didn't pay the security staff for nothing, but his disregard was such that Namjoon felt outraged in place of Seokjin.

He couldn't let it go like that, he wanted to see if he could ruin his mood, it was unnerving to know the only one satisfied within those walls was him.

"One moment, Mr. Kim, I wanted to ask you something. I would have asked Miss Choi, but since you are here, I guess there is no more up-to-date person on the subject," Namjoon said repeating the other's previous words.

"Of course," Mr. Kim answered with a friendly, almost paternal smile.

"I'm having difficulties in finding reference material, even in this library that is almost better supplied than the university one, there is nothing about the topic. In fact, I am confused about the term parameter of the algorithm. I wondered if you could enlighten me about it. "

Mr. Kim's smile became, if possible, wider. "Good question Namjoon," he said as if Namjoon were a student who had just answered a particularly difficult question. The younger bit the inside of his cheek to hold himself back, but he knew he wasn't doing a great job in keeping his facial expressions at bay.

"There is a reason why the algorithm parameter is not deepened in any document in free circulation, and the reason is that it's a state secret and as such, secreted. Even talking about it between these walls would not be prudent, so I'm sorry I cannot tell you more about it," said Mr. Kim, although he didn't look apologetic at all. "In the close future and only when you have learned more about the consular institution." he finally concluded, and those words looked terribly more like a threat than a promise. Namjoon, not knowing what to say, just nodded, letting Mr. Kim leave the room again with his irritating smile on his face.

There had to be some source out there escaped from government control that could provide some light on the subject, state secret or not, and if so Namjoon would do anything to find it. He wondered absently if Seokjin knew of this secret and if it was a good idea for him to ask the elder. Then he told himself that of all the things he had to ask Seokjin, the algorithm was, after all, the least pressing problem and that he had to be able to adjust their relationship first. He had asked that question only in an attempt to put Seokjin's father in trouble, but it had only served to give him another thought to ponder.

Namjoon massaged his aching temples, his vision suddenly blurred. With a sigh, he rose from his desk to go to the kitchen to get a glass of water to drink his painkiller.

Namjoon had concentrated so much in those days to find a way to approach Seokjin once he had come back to the villa, and every time he thought about it, he felt a twist in his stomach and at the same time he had the terrible sensation that he would fail despite his efforts just when he most desired not to do it.

He should have imagined that he wouldn't need it, that Seokjin would have made the step for him too.

The day after his unpleasant meeting with Mr. Kim, Namjoon had decided not to wander around the villa and had opted to stay in his room. He had taken the statistical book with him and sat on the bed with his legs crossed because although Namjoon liked to write on a desk, he was better off studying in the most unlikely places and positions. However, he soon became distracted, not because it was difficult, but because he found nothing stimulating in the activity, and then he started to scribble on the edges with a pencil instead of underlining the most important concepts, as he should have done.

He thought he saw a shadow out of the corner of his eye, but he hadn't thought that looking up he would have crossed Jin's.

Of course, Seokjin was always the same, had the same eyes of a warm brown, the same plump lips that had stretched in a barely mentioned smile, god, if Namjoon closed his eyes he could remember very well their consistency. Nothing had changed with regard to its appearance, he realized then that maybe it wasn't Seokjin that was different but it was him, and the thing threw light on those dark corners of his mind that he still didn't have the courage to explore.

"Seokjin!" he exclaimed, trying not to blush as soon as he saw him standing there in the doorway, but then remembering his promise to Hyosang and himself to abandon all kinds of fiction, he quickly added a "hyung." It sounded strange to his own ears, but Namjoon forced himself to say it even if it highlighted the immense lie that they had told each other until recently, but if they were going to do it the right way, they had to start calling things with their name.

Seokjin made an imperceptible movement with his head but other than that he gave no sign of discomfort when he heard the word.

Namjoon saw him approaching slowly as if he wanted to give him time to protest if he wanted, until he finally sat on the other side of his bed. Namjoon told himself that he would do his best to fix everything. If he had more courage he would have approached the elder and taken him by the hand, but Namjoon still didn't know what he wanted, he only knew that Jin was finally back and so he stayed where he was, butterflies in his stomach while trying to remember the speech prepared and instead finding his head frightfully clear.    

"Were you busy? Am I bothering you?" Seokjin asked him, breaking the ice.

"Of course not. How are you feeling hyung? Better?" Namjoon asked, squirming on the spot.

"I'm fine," Seokjin answered with a smile that seemed slightly tense. Namjoon had the impulse to touch his arm in an attempt to reassure him, but the elder stiffened, almost sensing his intentions, and Namjoon withdrew the hand that had risen from his book.

Namjoon felt the butterflies turn into a knot in the stomach, but decided that he would respect anything Jin wanted for them because he was the one who had failed him, and in many ways.

"I'm sorry," he heard himself say, lips moving on his own and coming to his rescue just when he thought he couldn't say that what he meant, "I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could eat back my words, hyung. Really. They came out so badly, I’m always so bad at expressing myself with words which is ridiculous for someone who had dreamed of doing music. Sorry, I’m blabbering. I just wanted to apologize to you, I... " he would have liked to say more and he knew those words weren't enough to cover in a distantly satisfactory way what he felt for Jin, but his voice died and Namjoon found himself fumbling.

"You don't need to be sorry Joonie, not for how you feel," Seokjin said in his kindest tone, and it broke something inside Namjoon because he didn't deserve so much kindness, yet again he was the on the receiving end without being able to give anything back. "I'm sorry too, anyway. For avoiding you," Seokjin continued looking away in shame.

"I figured it was so, and I also realized it was my fault. You don't know how sorry I am," Namjoon tried again, but the elder put a finger over his lips to silence him, eyebrows furrowed in slight disappointment. It was an intimate gesture, driven by the impulse, and Namjoon looked as surprised as Seokjin, but it had served the purpose it seemed, because Namjoon couldn't say another word. Don’t apologize , Seokjin seemed to be saying as his forehead relaxed. Namjoon regretted that the elder withdrew his hand almost immediately.

"We could talk forever about our circumstances, about our words, about who is more at fault, but I don’t want to. Because we know the situation, don’t we? So from now on, let’s not hide things from each other anymore, no matter how awful or bad we think they are. Maybe this is far from heaven, but at least we can have a healthy relationship and be honest with each other. "

He felt a strange warmness all over his whole body when finally all the tension that he had been accumulating for weeks, for months, finally melted away. A few words, just a few simple and honest words from Seokjin were enough to make him feel better.

"Okay," Namjoon managed to say after a while. "Being honest with each other. I like the idea,” and in saying that he tried to put all his sincerity on it.

"That means you are going to call me hyung from now on," said Seokjin, and Namjoon, who had expected him to say this peremptorily, was pleasantly surprised to see the elder smile, almost mischievous. Seokjin's smile, his positivity, was like a gust of pleasant warm air.

"That's okay with me, hyung," Namjoon answered, smiling in return, meeting Jin's gaze once again. It was like that time at their introduction when Namjoon, though frightened and annoyed, as he faced his soulmate for the first time he felt like being transported elsewhere.

I have a weight on my heart. It's your...

"Perfect!" Seokjin then exclaimed enthusiastically, interrupting the small bubble of calm between them and the train of troubled thoughts of the younger. Namjoon blinked as if waking from a dream. "So since we opened the era of honesty," continued Seokjin, "Tell this hyung of your lyrics and what you'd like to do with them."

Namjoon felt taken aback, but Seokjin seemed to be serious and maybe it wasn't his style to not vivisect every single detail of everything, but after all, they didn't have to say everything at once and immediately, maybe they could do it kindly, taking the right time to get to know each other, from the beginning.

As if it were the first time again.

"I know what you're doing on those margins Namjoon, you told me so, and to think that you're the one with the super memory and the super brain," Seokjin teased, and Namjoon found a bit difficult to act as himself in front of Jin, but wanted to try because it was important.

"I can be clumsy too, you know. But do you think it's really a good idea to talk about this? " Namjoon asked, concerned. The music had been the only one of the secrets he had revealed to Jin, who knew, maybe they could start there.

Seokjin approached him then, put his hand on his knee, and Namjoon understood that he wanted all his attention.

"We are allowed to talk about that. We are allowed to do that at least. To share our hopes and dreams," Seokjin said seriously, looking him straight in the eye, and Namjoon knew he was telling the truth, that Jin meant every word and the younger felt something, something he couldn't name but had on the tip of his tongue. It could wait, though. Jin came first.

"We can do it like this if you prefer: you tell me something, I'll tell you something else in return." Seokjin urged and his effort was so obvious that Namjoon had to repay him.

"Deal!" Namjoon answered, feeling a sudden excitement, an emotion he had never experienced under that roof before.

"Hyung, do you listen to hip-hop?" he then asked.

...love.