Narrator: Yamaa Tomohisa

 

    I was that guy the folks in the agency really seem to be around with but hardly anyone really close to me. I was that guy who got lucky being born with this face but also have this boring personality.

    I never thought of myself as quiet nor cold, may be just a little too absorbed in my own cloud-drifting mind sometimes, but that’s something I can’t fix easily since I was a kid. Being a talent since 12 was hard. I was blessed and cursed - all because of this fate I chose myself.

    I felt especially cursed when NewS happened, it had now became precious memories for sure but at that time you might as well imagine how it was to work with bunch of people you barely know, and realised you have to be with them for as long as possible. It drove me crazy.

    Jin and I would smokes discretely from time to time and we would cursed at the world together at the back alley near his house. But Jin was not always around. On the other hand, she was always around.

    She was a girl with puffy eyes. She was a loud girl whether when she though she was alone in the studio backlot or in the tv show.

    It’s not that she catch my attention, it just happened that she had always stolen my secret hide out between shooting break so I have to move further away from the same usual spot, but then it was no good anymore because the crying would still be heard. Then I thought ‘Even my hiding spot is stolen now, good, what’s next?’

    If the juniors are caught smoking underage, they are punished - most were fired immediately after the photos got leaked, but then I am a Yamapi, the so-called Golden Boy (Golden Boy, my , if you asked me now). And I couldn’t care less if I got fired. Things might actually turns out better than what I was facing back then. 

    So there I was, smoking away my depression between the shoots, got pissed at every aspects in my life especially myself. And out of the blue she barged in like the world’s most upset spoiled girl.

    “What do you mean by ‘you’ve worked hard’ or ‘everything’s all good’? them and their politeness. I don’t want this anymore. Why did I agree to do this. NHK. the director.”

    And she wailed for another three round, cut between loud sobs. And that was so amazing I couldn’t help but stare.

    “I want to go home. I want to go to school but then, but then I want this so badly. What the is wrong with me?”

    It’s the first time I heard a girl give out so many ‘’ in a minute and that amused me to no end. I thought ‘Wow, so she must be new. May be her first gig ever.’ and ‘I have been in this for 5 years but it gets harder every year, I want to say something to make her feel better but things don’t really get better for me either, so my life too.’

    I felt the urge to yell my anxiety the way she did, while adding the word in every space possible, but I was that indecisive Yamaa again and thought may be no. While I resonated with myself, she suddenly looked up.

    She was so embarrassed I was embarrassed.

    I remember her round face so red, her eyes so puffy. She is not that cute nor beautiful but she was… intense. She was so alive.

    Yes, that’s it. She was and always is alive throughout.

    And I said something, then she replied something.

 

    Not so long after, I was back at that studio again.

    “You’ve work hard, we will have 15 minutes break for before rehearsing the next sequence. Please be on time!”

    I  mumbled back something that sounded like a polite yes and no in the same time then walked straight out to ‘release the stress’. My school life was so miserable, my love life was messy because apparently my girl had been contacting her ex, my idol life was the worst because I didn’t get to choose what I want to do. Therefore I must allowed myself to smoke, at least it was the choice I made myself.

    I was quite a rebel in my teen, I guess.

    “ you you old man! And you and your veteran career of magnificent acting!”

    Whoa, now that made me literally jumped.

    “ you the idol-turn-actor! Oh for god’s sake why did I even have to censor that jerk’s name in an entirely tabloid way? you M.S.! you and your oh-so-powerful-and-shady-as-hell agency!”

    And I knew who M.S. was, I’m just censoring this while telling you stories. And that shady agency also happened to be my agency. Before I knew it, I started to smile uncontrollably.

    So first she took it all out on the director, this time a senior actor and now my label mate. What a nasty person. I rolled my eyes.

    Weirdly enough, smoking while listening to her yelling about everyone and everything in particular had intertwined into something like an activity. It slowly become a double package. Like swimming and getting tanned, or karaoke and drinking.

    Her hearable, incredibly loud rants too, had become that thing I looked forward between shooting breaks. If I were to compare it to modern days equivalent, it was like I was reading her tweets with voice on. Those complaints were meant to be heard by no one, they were rude, they were meant to be private. They destroyed her innocent girl-next-door images to pieces.

    You might thought, but Yamaa always say in interviews that he likes girls with good manners!

    Yes I do!

    But I did not like her. I just somehow liked eavesdropping her took it out on everyone.

    For quite a period of time, I shot Shounen Club - went outside for a smoke and a show from that girl - went back chuckling inside because what she said about my label or label mates. It was such a nice surprise considering while I hate people who swear, her swearing made me laugh.

    

    Then I didn’t hear her anymore. And suddenly just smoking quietly seemed boring.

 

    So I stopped too.

 

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Had so much fun writing Yamapi's.