[a/n : trigger warning! —just in case] 

Jisoo's eyes followed the falling leaves, face leaning closer to the windows and a smile worked up to her face as the rays of sunlight touched her skin, warming her up from the cool breeze of autumn.

Maybe it's because its her favorite time of the year,  the sun's heat significantly more pleasant than summer's,  the breeze more bearable than winter's that Jisoo could feel every emotion course through her veins. Maybe its because its this time of the year that reminds her of Lisa and her infuriating smile that brings an ache to her heart and suddenly Jisoo's not smiling anymore.

Suddenly, it's not her favorite season anymore and suddenly she realized why it's called fall in the first place.

Fall. Leaves dying, trees wilting, preparing themselves for the inevitable winter and maybe that's what Jisoo should do too. Honestly, she had long concluded the world hates her.

But that's okay. Jisoo hates herself too. She hates herself for being pathetic she couldn't stand up for Lisa and their relationship. She hates herself for being too afraid of fighting back. She hates herself for hiding behind books and their covers. She hates herself for even thinking about Lisa like this when the girl had already moved on. Jisoo made sure she moved on. God, she hates herself so so much.

"Jisoo?"

Colors and sounds flooded in, pulling her back into reality and away from the darkness of her thoughts. Looking up, she was met with furrowed brows and obvious concern.

"Oh, Seul unnie! I'm sorry I skipped the meeting again. I wasn't feeling well." Jisoo flashed a smile.

Seulgi sits in front of her, a frown still etched on her face and for a moment they just stared at each other before the monolid beauty clasped Jisoo's hands on hers. Jisoo hates how she could feel her heart skip a beat.

"I hate it," Seulgi starts.

"What?"

"Don't be sad!  I hate it when you're sad—come with me!"

Seulgi's fingers slipped through Jisoo's and she could feel the heat crawl underneath her skin because Seulgi was so amazing and Jisoo doesn't want to feel something other than friendship because Seulgi seems to be crushing on Irene she knows and she doesn't deserve her anyways but its so so hard to get the older girl off her hair.

Seulgi tugs her again and Jisoo complies this time, heart heavy at the unreasonable voices at the back of her head telling her this won't last and everything will go wrong again as it always does and as she lets herself be dragged away, she catches another leaf fall from its grace and Jisoo couldn't help but sympathize and for the hundredth time that day she tells herself again she hates herself. 

...
 

"Where the were you?!"

Jisoo flinches, rigidly standing by the doorway as she was met with violent screams and anger. She'd completely forgotten about her curfew ( hanging out with Seulgi was too nice and she forgot the time and she also didn't want to go home with Yeri anyways because even though she says it's fine,  it's not because its fall and Lisa would be there and she doesn't want to break and she doesn't want to get in between them ).

Jisoo almost blocked the slap that caught her face but she didn't cause that never helped and she stumbled backwards and clenched her jaws discreetly.

"When I ask a question you're going to answer properly you piece of !"

Jisoo almost sighed, "I'm sorry. I was just too engrossed with studying I forgot the time."

Jisoo wonders what she did wrong to the older woman in front of her, eyes sharp and criticizing her everything and she shrinks back and she hates the woman but she hates herself more.

...
 

Seulgi drags her to the rooftop, slamming the doors shut in the harshest way the usually soft bear could muster before facing Jisoo with angry eyes.

Jisoo looked down immediately like a kicked puppy and tries to come up with a million reasons on why Seulgi would be so mad at her.

"Stop." Seulgi grits, "Please stop this Jisoo."

Jisoo feigns ignorance and smiles nervously, "What do you mean, Seul unnie?"

"Yeri told me everything! Stop pretending you're fine!"

Silence. Jisoo found herself at loss for words because how could she when she could see the slightest hint of tears on Seulgi's cheeks and her heart aches because all she does is hurt the people she loves.

"Unnie please..."

Seulgi's glare intensified and Jisoo backtracks. She'd never seen Seulgi this angry, in fact she'd never seen Seulgi angry at all.

"No, Jisoo. This isn't right. You told me we should only suffer for the right reasons and this isn't it! Why won't you ask for help?"

But it is for the right reasons.

"Those were empty words, unnie. I read books after all."

It's worth it because all of you doesn't know what she can do.

"I don't want your help, unnie or anybody else's."

She has the means and my father is blinded and it's complicated as I can't even understand it myself but one thing I'm sure is that I don't want any of you involved. 

"So please, Seulgi unnie, just stay out of it. It's not your place to interfere."

I don't want any of you involved because she can make you disappear and I don't want that and I'd rather suffer in silence and disappear in your place than lose all of you.

Seulgi grabs her wrist, her hold tight but Jisoo pries them off hers.

"Let it go, unnie." Jisoo hisses, her voice distant and cold as her heart aches and suffocates, "Or forget we were ever friends."

Seulgi pulls her back and opens the door herself before looking back at Jisoo.

"Let's not jump into conclusions." Seulgi's eyes hardened, "I'll get you off her grasps. You just watch me."

The older girl slams the door close again, leaving Jisoo staring at the empty space, an amused laugh escaping her lips.

For a moment Jisoo stays unmoving before she lied down, dull eyes gazing up the clouds, the knife feeling heavy on her pockets as she brushed her fingers against her hair and tears spilled out her eyes.

I guess I just found someone holding me back again.