"Don't Seungri."

"I'm an adult hyung, I do whatever I want."

"I know that Ri for God's sakes just– Just stay with me tonight huh? This is not about you being independent or adult, is about me asking you to stay."

"I really want to go."

Jiyong doesn't say anything, neither Seungri as he leaves the hotel room. And Jiyong is left alone again, for the hundredth time. He hates this feeling of broken heart, he hates to love Seungri that much. He hates the kisses, the and the fights they have because of the complicated relationship that they got themselves into. It all started like a simple joke, Seungri teasing GD with the stupid flirts on the stage, posting photos of them with  'nyongtory' captions.

Until the day they were both drunk and Jiyong couldn't control his desire for the younger anymore so he kissed him. And Seungri responded. It supposed to be a one night stand but it wasn't, not for Jiyong. One turned into two, three nights and before they could realize, they were having every week. Seungri was just a curious boy having fun. What he didn't count with was the fact that his leader was falling in love with him. He was never a cuddle person, it just doesn't fits him.

Things started to change between them after the first fight they had over a girl Seungri kissed on the club. On that night Seungri discovered the true feelings Jiyong had for him. He was scared, he still is. He likes his leader but.. He is not gay. He really isn't. Jiyong is the only guy able to enchant him, to give him pleasure. He avoided the leader for weeks because there was nothing he could say at him. They fought again when the band met for a show; Jiyong was so mad he couldn't bear look at the maknae. I don't feel the same hyung. The older swear that was the end of them until Seungri came to his hotel room one month later. I miss you Ji. He was really drunk and managed to get Jiyong undressed in a matter of seconds. It was the first time he gave himself to the younger and after that night everything changed.

They were one step to be in a abusive relationship. Jiyong became submissive to the boy because he was so in love with him, he would do anything for Seungri. And Seungri knew the total jerk he was being with the man but damn, it was so good to be in control. He had Jiyong's heart in the palm of his hand and he could use Jiyong's body to satisfy his desire anytime he wanted. Jiyong lost the count of how many times he tried to deny to the maknae but Seungri being the stupid manipulator he is, knew exactly what to say or how to touch Jiyong so that the man could give him what he wants.

There were rare times where Seungri gave him the chance to be the one in control again. Seungri is cold, he doesn't have time to cuddle and be lovely with Jiyong, do boyfriend stuff. The only moment where he gets cute is on the stage when they have to do fanservice. If not for that, their relation is basically and fight. When Seungri got a girlfriend, Jiyong fought with him and promised himself he would stop loving the younger. It wasn't what happened for he turned into the lover and that slowly killed Jiyong. The cigarettes multiplied and he lost weight and locked himself at the studio for almost three weeks, barely going home to eat and shower. You need to stop with this Ji, this is not good. You're not good to each other. Taeyang said to him many times, worried with his best friend. But is never easy to erase a love from your heart, is it? Maybe he didn't even want to. Seungri was too irresistible, he wasn't strong enough to argue with him.

Two, three years passed in the same situation; they would fight and stay weeks without talk until Seungri would go back to mess up Jiyong's head again. There were days where Jiyong had enough of his bull and tried to put an end on them.

"I love you, I ing love you! I would give the whole world to stay with you so why can't you love me back? It would be easier for us!"

"Is not easy when you're under me filled with pleasure?" Seungri had trapped Jiyong on the wall, hands above the head. "You always say we're over but you can't resist, can you Ji?"

"I hate you."

"I thought I just heard you saying you love me. You think too much hyung, why don't you simply feel?"

But he didn't want to feel pleasure anymore, he wanted to feel love. He wanted Seungri to hold him and sleep besides him after they had and he wanted to wake up with arms wrapped around his waist. He wanted to kiss Seungri just because he could, not because they were in the middle of a fight that turned into a hook up session. He wanted to say I love you and hear I love you too as reply. There was so many things he wanted to do with that boy, go on dates, take shower together, watch movies and stay home all day. Was he crazy for loving Seungri? Was he insane for wanting someone that is the same as him? Is it really such a sin to love another boy?

Running after Seungri is like trying to hold water in your hands. At first, the water is there and you think you have it but quickly fades out from the palm of your hand, running through your fingers. Why don't we date Ri? He asked one evening, when they were having a moment together on his king-size bed. Seungri set free from his embrace and Jiyong knew he said the wrong thing. You know this will never happen hyung. But why? He couldn't understand. I don't love you, Jiyong. And I don't want to be in a relationship, I already have too much to do in my life. Seungri was always so skittish. He wanted to be with Jiyong when they were having but after, he wanted the older to treat him like a friend. Their friends even gave up on trying to stop them, they knew it was just too complicated to stop now. Seungri never thought he was a bad person for maintaining a -friends relation with Jiyong. He wanted anyways, right? Jiyong told him many times, he wanted to be with the boy. If you want to be with me, you know how it will be. Is not like he doesn't cares about Jiyong's feelings, he just can't do anything about it. But you're not going to stay away enough for him to forget you. You're a ing idiot Seungri. Youngbae had to interfere on many fights, when Seungri and Jiyong were causing so much fuss that they even threatened to hit each other.

Jiyong is the one that always fights with him, specially for jealous. Seungri has many friends and he likes to go to clubs and stay with different girls every weekend.

"How can you not feel guilty? How can you come back to me after ing them?" He does it because he knows Jiyong will accept him no matter what.

"Come on Jiyong, these girls means nothing to me."

"Then what do I mean?"

"You're my leader, my best friend."

"I don't want to be your friend Seungri, I don't want to be your ing lover. I want to be your boyfriend."

And just like that, they ended separating for the nth time. That time was different though, Jiyong made sure he would keep distance and take care of his work, busying himself with anything just to don't think on the younger. Seungri missed him, he missed the man like hell. He could screw hundred girls and no one would be as good as Jiyong, no one would moan his name like him. The leader gives him a feeling when they are having that no one else does. He needed Jiyong in the same proportion the man needed him, the problem was they needed each other for different purposes. Jiyong was in love, Seungri was in need. So he ran after the older, travelling back to Korea just to go to Jiyong's house.

Why are you here? He shut the leader's mouth with a lingering kiss and allowed the man to make love with him that night, like the first times.

For some time, everything went well. He slowly allowed Jiyong to be more romantic with him and tried to be more lovely, he even stopped staying with girls. Jiyong was happy but it was strange, nothing makes him happy for so much time without getting wrong. It took one month for Seungri to freak out with him and their fights start again. Why? Because he finally realized, he was falling in love with the leader. How could he be in love with Jiyong? No, how could he be in love with a man? I don't understand what is wrong Seungri, Youngbae said. Is wrong because it's not supposed to be like that, they're suppose to be friends, band mates. Why was his heart pounding when Jiyong touched his cheeks? Why these stupid butterflies were flying on his stomach everytime Jiyong would smile? Seungri was confused and he did what he is best at, push Jiyong away. Suddently Jiyong couldn't caress or hold the younger anymore, let it be have . Even Seungri was avoiding, he was afraid his heart would flutter. Jiyong would question him why but he'd run of the subject everytime.

He had just come back from Thailand after spending two weeks there and Big Bang was doing shows in Tokyo that weekend. He has many friends there, they called him to go to a party. Jiyong begged Seungri not to go, he wanted to talk with the boy. The younger obviously ran from the conversation and left the older alone at the hotel room.

"Bae what is wrong with me? Why can't he love me?"

"Because he is a freaking idiot Jiyong." Bae kneeled in front of his best friend, Jiyong has been a mess since Seungri came into his life. Not that he doesn't likes the maknae, no, he loves him as much as he loves the other members, is just that Seungri acts childish towards the leader.

"But why? Everything was fine I thought maybe this time.. maybe.. we could stay together.. but now he is trying to push me away again."

"Ok, I'm done seeing you suffer, I don't care if Seungri is gonna hate me later but I'm gonna tell." Jiyong looked up to his friend without understand a thing. "Seungri is in love with you Jiyong but he doesn't want to admit because he wants to prove to himself that he is not gay."

"What?"

"He realized after the fight that you had because you said you wanted to date."

The anger Jiyong felt at that moment, he could kill Seungri. "I'm going to ing kill that stupid idiot."

Taeyang held his best friend in place before he could chase the maknae. "Jiyong are you crazy? You can't hurt maknae! Yes he is stupid but you shouldn't start a fight over that! If you want him to stay with you, pick a fight is the opposite of what you should do!"

"Youngbae you know what I've been through because of this boy? He is ing confusing with my mind for years! I've been a mess since I met him."

"Come on Jiyong, that is not true. You were always a mess." He was, it wasn't Seungri's fault – not totally. "Just, talk with him. And if he still doesn't want anything with you then promise me you're gonna forget him."

Jiyong needed to think. He suffered for so many years to discover suddently that Seungri feels the same for him. But worse than that is to know that the other is trying to forget the feeling just because he is scared. Jiyong didn't even know what to think about it. Imagine falling in love with someone and that someone acts like loving you is something repugnant. How should Jiyong feel towards Seungri's actions? What is even wrong on loving somebody from the same as you? Jiyong never understood society's logic. For four hours he stood at the same spot, crying on the bed. At some point, the tears ceased. There was just emptiness. Jiyong wasn't angry or sad, he was feeling useless. The love of his life dislikes the idea of being his. He is not enough. He couldn't decide what hurt more; his heart or his pride.

He heard the sound of the password being put and the door opening, it was 4am. He didn't bother looking, he knew who it was by the steps. He also knew the younger was drunk and he could smell women's fragrance soon as Seungri came in. The other probably hook up with a girl, or tried at least. Seungri saw Jiyong sitting in the middle of the bed with arms wrapped around his folded knees, face hidden. It reminded him of the fight they had before he went to the club. Why is he such a idiot? The alcohol in his body spoke louder and he stumbled into Jiyong's direction.

"Ji, I.." He reached for the older but Jiyong raised his head and pushed him away.

"Don't ing come near me."

"You don't mean it." Whenever they fight is the same, Jiyong gets really angry but this time, it was totally different. He had never seen the man so angry in all the years.

"I do. I swear Seungri, get the out of the room if you don't want a fight." The maknae tried to touch him again and Jiyong stood up, trying to go away from him. He was still crying and Seungri had a suffering expression in his face. "Why you do this with me Seungri? From all your stupid es, why do you choose me? You with them too anyways so why do you still need me?"

"Jiyong." Seungri didn't want to fight, he wanted them to be fine. Seungri was tired. He was tired of pretending, of fighting against the feeling, of hiding. He wanted them to be on the same page, he wanted to be with the leader. He really did. But in his mind it seemed impossible for this to work.

"Do you know how it hurts? Do you know all the bull that you put me through? I can smell women's perfume on you, how do you think this makes me feel? What do you think I was doing for these four hours that you were partying like nothing happened between us?"

"Hyung come on, you know I haven't seen my friend in a while, stop taking everything so serious."

"This is serious Seungri! It's real and it hurts because I love you and you just use me for pleasure."

"That is not true."

"That is not true? That's all you can say?" Seungri didn't answer and Jiyong rolled eyes. "Selfish bastard."

"I am not. I am not! What do you expect me to do Jiyong? You're the only one that see us as an easy thing! We can't be together Jiyong!"

"Oh really? Then you don't get to with me anymore. You better find new es or call the old ones because if we can't be together then we can't have either." The maknae didn't have an reply for that. "I found someone Seungri." Seungri's eyes widened. "Everybody is telling me to marry her. Is good for business and it's good for me. Maybe I should. Then we would stop hurting each other."

No. He couldn't lose Jiyong, just the mere thought was enough to put tears in his eyes. He walked towards the leader and cupped his face, not letting him set free as he smashed their lips. The kiss wasn't that brief but Seungri didn't use his tongue; it was sad and almost desperate. "Don't." Jiyong didn't answer, he just stared at the other. "Don't marry her, Jiyong. I do anything you want if you don't marry her."

"You know what I want." It was explicit already and Youngbae himself confirmed, but Jiyong needed to listen from Seungri. "Tell me you love me Seungri. I already know it anyways."

"What?"

"Youngbae told me." Seungri stepped back trying to understand what happened while he was away. Youngbae told Jiyong that he loves him? How does he know? It's not like he properly said it, he just did some questions. Hyung, how do you know that you love someone? Because Seungri didn't know how to love someone. "Stop lying to yourself Seungri and don't even dare to be angry with him because he was trying to help me. He couldn't watch me suffer because of you anymore." Seungri didn't know what to say or do, he was just there. Lost in the moment, in his thoughts. Jiyong sighed.

"What did you expect? To erase your feelings for me easily? To be able to continue having without feel anything? I tried too. I tried because you didn't love me back though, not because I was ashamed of loving you." Seungri furrowed eyebrows trying to understand what the leader said. "Don't lie, I know you better than anyone. I know you feel ashamed of loving me because I am a man just like you and for you this is wrong."

"I don't– I don't feel ashamed of you."

"But you know, having with a guy is also wrong then. Still nothing happened with us for doing this, so what is the difference? What's the problem of showing affection towards me? Am I that weird? Why you don't want to stay? What is wrong with me? Why can't you love me?!" Jiyong broke down once more, tears streaming down his face as he spoke. The leader didn't want to be seen like that. He didn't want Seungri to see how fragil and stupid he is because of his love. He started walking in the door's direction but when he passed by Seungri the younger held his wrist, stopping him from moving.

"The problem is me, not you."

"Cliché."

"You are way too perfect Jiyong. I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you for so long and that you think this way about yourself because of me. I am a selfish bastard, stupid idiot. I am still so imature to love you. But I-I don't want you to go. I.. don't want to lose you."

"Why should I stay? You didn't." Seungri pulled Jiyong in front of him and looked into his eyes.

"Because I.. love you."

"You made it difficult to believe in you."

"I know-- I know. But just one more time, believe me." He knew Jiyong wasn't trusting on his words so he kissed him. Seungri cupped his cheeks and leaned in, kissing his leader. He wiped the tears with his thumbs and closed his eyes, slowly moving his lips to make Jiyong comfortable. He stopped after a few seconds and brushed his nose against Jiyong's, keeping close to the other. "I don't want to hurt you anymore Ji, I am so sorry. I.. w-want to be with you, I truly do. I just don't– I don't know h-how." He even struggled to say these words because love was never an easy thing to him. Seungri was never good on showing his feelings to the others, even to his family is difficult.

A few seconds later he felt hands wrapping around his waist and turning him, making both of them fall on the bed. "Open your eyes, Seungri." When he closed his eyes? He didn't even notice. Maybe he was just too ashamed of himself for being an idiot that he couldn't look in Jiyong's eyes. Finally all the guilt hit him and he wanted to cry. He slowly opened to meet with Jiyong's gaze. "It's you and me. Just like the first time, you don't need to be embarassed. You can show your emotions to me, only to me. It's just you and me, no one else."

The younger reached for the leader's hair, caressing it. Why was he so afraid of Jiyong all this time? He's been here all along, waiting for him with open arms. Even when Seungri turned his back to him, Jiyong stood there. He loved him without wanting anything back except for the younger to be with him. He loved him even when Seungri treated him like trash. 

"I.. Forgive me Ji. For everything."

"I forgive you as long as you don't go away anymore. And I'm still willing to try something with you, if you tell me you want too." Seungri nodded, he mean it. All the words, he meant. He was so regretful and he doesn't want to regret more. He nestled Jiyong in his arms, making the older rest his head on his neck.

''Can we start again, Ji?'' 

Jiyong woke up with Seungri slowly moving him aside and he shoke his head almost as desperately, asking for the boy to don't leave him. His worst nightmares are about the younger leaving. "I'm just going to the bathroom." Seungri smiled and reassured him with a peck on his lips. He watched as the older fell asleep on his arms last night; he never felt so good. He went to the bathroom and came back to Jiyong's side, covering them with the blanket. He knew they would have to get up in less than two hours but he couldn't awake Jiyong, the man was too cute while clinging on him to sleep.

Two years later

"How was the party last night?" He heard the question and looked up to him.

"It was good. Glory is a good DJ." Jiyong gave him a big smile, he was happy to see his boyfriend after two weeks. They were having dinner in a expensive restaurant as Seungri promised they would. The last weeks have been difficult, the maknae is too busy with work.

They have been in a relationship since that night when Seungri finally admited his love. Their relationship is made of ups and downs, they fight a lot. Mostly for Jiyong's jealousness and Seungri's actions. Even though Seungri loves him, he is not the type that demonstrates a lot. Jiyong is always the one jumping on his arms, filling him with kisses, bringing breakfast on the bed. The older take care of him so well, it makes everyone envious. It's such a shame that Jiyong oppa is in love with you, not with me. Imagine what I would do if he did everything he does for you but for me! Hanna, his sister, always says this. His family loves Jiyong. Jiyong's family loves him. Their friends loves them together. The fans don't know, they can't.

Jiyong took two hours to choose a outfit for tonight, he wanted to be perfect for his boyfriend. His boyfriend that doesn't give a damn about him. I know he loves me Bae but it's like he is always thinking of something else. I try everything to make him happy but I don't know if he is happy. Jiyong has a hard time deciphering Seungri's way. The boy never says what's on his mind. When he asks, the boy simply wraps his arms around him and kiss his forehead, saying that nothing is wrong and that he loves him. But somehow, it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes, when Seungri goes to club, he gets insecure. Not that he speaks this out loud though, he just thinks. He needs to trust on Seungri because they are a couple, right?

"How's the food?" Seungri was distracted, trapped in thoughts again.

"Hm?"

"Delicious?" He watched as his leader smiled and pointed at his plate. He smiled back and nodded, Jiyong opened his mouth asking for him to give the food. It made him smile again, Jiyong is really a thing. He is always smiling whenever he is near the maknae, like Seungri was his favorite person in the world.

Maybe he was just tired; he couldn't pay attention to everything Jiyong was saying. "You're doing it again. Spacing out." The older sighed and turned the attention to his food, not really wanting to eat.

"I'm sorry. I'm gonna go to the bathroom." The maknae got up and went to the restroom. What was happening with him? He didn't know why he was so thinkful tonight. Was it because of the ring in his pocket? That's right, he did bought a ring earlier. It was expensive as hell but it was for Jiyong. Are you sure Seungri-ah? I don't want to hear you saying that you regret later. Seunghyun asked when he told him about his plan. I am sure, hyung. "I am sure." He said to his reflection in the mirror before going back to the hall.

He watched his boyfriend on the way back to the table, Jiyong was the most wonderful person in that place; he is always the most beautiful wherever they go. Even with pretty ladies, they don't stand a chance against Jiyong. The man seemed sad though. Seungri doesn't blame him, he knows he is complicated and that he makes Jiyong confused sometimes. He managed to make the older forget he was sad, talking about funny things, making him laugh.

He drove them home, Jiyong in the passenger seat gazing at him. Seungri placed his right hand on Jiyong's thigh, keeping it there until they were on the older's building. Seungri has his own apartment but he pratically lives with the leader now.

Soon as they open the door, Ai come running to meet her owner. Seungri placed his blazer on the chair and watched from far as Jiyong fed the cat. All he sees is Jiyong. The rest of the world is white. He loves the man that is staring back at him, smiling like a fool because damn, he loves Seungri too. They are so in love with each other. Seungri has a hard time showing his love and admiration for the leader of his band. But he loves Jiyong, he loves Jiyong more than anything. Because Jiyong is amazing; his best friend, his favorite person. That man standing in front of him is his weakest spot. It's the face he searches for every morning, the hands he wants to hold for the rest of his life – not to mention the smile that warms his heart. Jiyong is.. love.

He knows that Jiyong missed him like crazy in these two weeks and that he probably counted the hours to be able to see him. He knows that Jiyong took hours to choose the perfect clothing to go out with him, he probably called Youngbae to ask if he looked pretty. That is his boyfriend, always putting so much effort to give his best to him. Jiyong is too much and he doesn't deserves him but the older still loves and wants him every day more. You better take care of Ji, Seungri. He is special, really special. You'll never find anybody that loves you as much as he does. Youngbae always says this to him. He is right then, isn't him? He needed to buy the ring and give it to Jiyong, to make sure that this awesome man would never go away from him. He needed to show to Jiyong that he loved him back in the same amount as the older loves. He needed to make Jiyong happy, because Jiyong makes him happy. 

Seungri raised his left arm, extending his hand to Jiyong. The man stopped a few centimeters away from him, grabbing his hand. He was smiling as he does everytime he sees Seungri. The younger took his right hand out of his pocket, bringing the ring to Jiyong's left hand and putting it in his ring finger.

It took a few seconds for him to assimilate. Seungri really did this? It is what he think it is? Jiyong looked down to his hand to see the ring on his finger, it fitted perfectly. The ring was beautiful, exactly how Jiyong always dreamed about. Sometimes when he was talking with Youngbae about life, he liked to think about how would it be if eventually he and Seungri got married. Maybe one day. Was that day today? He gazed at the younger to make sure it was true. And Seungri smiled. Jiyong jumped in his arms, hands wrapping around his neck holding his boyfriend tight. Seungri wrapped his arms around Jiyong's waist hugging him back.

Jiyong didn't remember smiling brightly like that in his entire life. He didn't care that he looked like a high school girl because the love of his life just put a engagement ring on his finger and there was nothing he could want more than that in his life. "I love you Ri, I love you so much!"

Seungri caressed Jiyong's hair and breathed his scent one more time before pulling apart just to look at his eyes, smiling. He isn't ashamed of loving, for the man in front of him is perfection at its finest. Jiyong is the one that he wants to be with and he has never been so sure about something in his life.

"I love you more."