Youngmin switched off the tv. He shouldn't have watched, so he berated himself. Why did he watch that show? It was so painful to see, when Kahi broke down. And after that Youngmin noticed how Jonghyun avoided looking at Kahi. Probably didn't want to break down too. And Youngmin had guessed right, as he heard Jonghyun confessing the reason for it during the interview.

Leaning back on the backrest of the couch Youngmin reminisces how they started out. They had such a good debut in 2012, but than suddenly had to promote too in Japan, and later even in China. When they finally came back again in Korea, their presence and fanbase had dwindled considerably. Jonghyun began to blame himself for this, blaming himself for not being more forceful in his protests against management for their promotions, blaming himself for not being able to get this team in the spotlights, blaming himself for failing their fans, blaming himself for being such a bad leader. Everytime that happened, Youngmin stepped in, to prevent it spinning out of control. Several times Dongho had to help him too.

Some groups that debuted in 2012, had already been disbanded, but other groups were way bigger and more successful than Nu'est. EXO had grown enormously, was so big, had a huge fanbase both in Korea as abroad, had won numerous awards, appeared in quite a few variety shows and commercials. BAP after a long hiatus was back and their comeback was so strong as if they’ve never been away. Even VIXX from a smaller company was steadily building up their presence. In spite of a very generic debut, they had found their niche. With their take on light and (especially) dark, they had earned themselves the nickname of "King of Concepts", resulting in a small, but dedicated and still growing fanbase, that counted fans not only in Korea but also around the world.

But Nu'est? It was as if they had vanished, or had become invisible. They had to start all over again, even when they had their debut in the same year as EXO, BAP and VIXX.

"Are you sure, Kim Jonghyun-ssi? Do you really want to participate in Produce 101? Or..." the CEO had asked, during the meeting. "Yes sir," Jonghyun had answered, "I'm sure. I really ... want us ... to participate. That is... all of us, except Kwak Youngmin-hyung."

Youngmin noticed the pause, before Jonghyun said "want us", but wait... he would not participate? Apparently the CEO had noticed the exclusion too. "Why should Kwak Youngmin-ssi not participate?" the CEO asked.

"Sir, you know very well, he still has his DJ work. If he's been pulled out, it can receive negative criticism, like 'being not dependable, someone you cannot count on'. I want to prevent that. Furthermore, he detests these kind of shows. We will be performing under considerable pressure, more even than during normal performances or promotional stages. So his dislike for this show could become a serious liability. No offense meant, Youngmin-hyung." That last sentence, Jonghyun spoke while looking at Youngmin. 
Youngmin just nodded tersely. He still has things to say, many many things, but that could wait until they were back at the dorm. The other team members caught Youngmin’s mood and were preparing for the storm in the dorm.

It had shocked Youngmin, that Jonghyun had agreed to participate in Produce 101. A show aimed at giving unknown trainees a shot, for god's sake! Jonghyun, Dongho, Minhyun and Minki would participate, as if they were trainees again! From successful debut 5 years ago, reduced to being trainees again. Worse even: He had heard whispering about them being a failure. And he was sure that the other members had caught wind of it too. It was just unfair!

To add insult to injury, there weren't any cars left to bring them back to the dorm, after the meeting. "I'm so sorry Jonghyun-oppa," the very young secretary apologized. "If I had known that you would be going back this early, I would have reserved one of the..." 
"It's all right, Howon-ah. You couldn't have known. We'll just take the bus and subway. Don't worry, "Jonghyun said.
"Yeah, don't worry, " Dongho added a bit sarcastically, "We can safely take public transit. Who would recognize us..."

Back at the dorm, Youngmin was standing in the living room, back turned to the others, until he was sure, that everyone was inside. Then he turned, and savaged their leader, who was standing in front of him, with a bowed head; "Jonghyun-ah, are you completely out of your mind? Why did you agree to participate in this.... in this... this humiliation? Why? Huh? WHY?!"

Slowly Jonghyun raised his head, the sad looks of his face finally visible. "Do you really think, that I "want" this, hyung?" They all could hear the quotes around the word 'want'. "Didn't you hear the question they asked? And I mean the real question, that was asked, the question that wasn't spoken out loud? Didn’t you hear it?" Jonghyun asked slowly, with a very soft and sad voice.

"Huh?"

"Apparently you didn't. What they really asked,” Jonghyun continued, “was, whether I wanted us to participate in Produce 101, or whether I wanted us to be disbanded... You did hear that 'Or...' with which the CEO finished his question, didn't you?"

Youngmin blanched, so did Minhyun. They both had totally missed the meaning of the wording of that question. But apparently Minki and Dongho had caught it, because they both nodded. "I'm desperate hyung! It's already 5 years since our debut, and still we are nowhere," Jonghyun said softly. "What do you think I really want, hyung? The humiliation of participating in a tv show, as if we're trainees again, five years after debut? Or the humiliation of disbanding as a failed boyband, who couldn't make it, even after five years? What do you think I really want, hyung? And you? What would you want to do, hyung? What? "

"I don't... I ... I mean..."
"Anyway," Jonghyun continued, with an anguished look, "I agreed to participate, hyung, because that's the one shot, maybe last shot we can get, to get some attention from the public. So that maybe, just maybe we can get our name out there. Maybe we can bolster our fanbase, maybe we can even attract new fans. And maybe, just maybe, we can get back the fans who left, because they felt we abandoned them."

"We didn't abandon them!" Minki reacted.

"You know that, and I know that," Jonghyun said. "But when we were away for such a long time, promoting in Japan and China, so soon after our debut, the fans here in Korea may have felt it like that.” Jonghyun looked down again. “In hindsight, I may have been too stupid, ignorant and naive. I should have put my foot down more forcefully, to get back to Korea, but I didn't. And maybe that was my biggest mistake ever, because by being abroad for so long, we lost so many fans here at home. And it's those fans that we're now heavily counting on. They're the only ones who can vote in that program. Fans abroad cannot."

"Oh..." Minki said. "Will they... will they vote for us?"
"I don't know, Minki-ah,” Jonghyun answered with a choked voice, while looking sadly at their maknae. “I really don't know. And even if, it could backfire on us spectacularly, in such a way, that we'll be stuck in a lose-lose situation." 

When Minki raised his eyebrows, Minhyun answered his unuttered question: "If we're doing too good, they will say that it is because of our 5 years experience after debut, that we have stolen away the places of other unknown trainees, who could and should have been in that show... that we used this show just as a cheap way of comeback promotion."

Minki nodded, understanding what Minhyun had meant. And Dongho continued, where Minhyun left off: 
"But on the other hand, if we don't do well, if we sing too much off key, or screw up our performances, they will say, that we are indeed losers and failures, and that it's our own fault, that Nu'est didn't succeed. Even when that isn't true... So you see, when we enter that show, we're going to be exposed to extra pressure, maybe even more than double the amount of that during a normal performance." 
Dongho added in a whispering tone: "And I don't know whether I can handle that ..."

Jonghyun patted Dongho on the shoulder. "So you see, Minki," Jonghyun finished, "there's a big risk that whatever we do, and however we do it, we’ll get shoveled six feet under..."

Minki nodded again. "You know," he said, "I've always been a bit envious about the success of our hoobaes in Seventeen. But on the other hand, I'm also a bit glad that Seungcheol-hyung never debuted with us. This way he... " Minki almost choked. ".. This way he doesn't have to share this humiliation with us... They just have to watch us, to learn what they should avoid." Minki looked up to his hyungs with a sniffle, and saw that Minhyun, Dongho and Youngmin looked back at him, each of them with a sad look on their faces.

They heard somebody else sniffle, followed by a soft: "I'm so sorry..." They all turned to Jonghyun who had uttered those words. Tears were flowing over his cheeks and chin. "I'm so, so sorry..." Jonghyun knelt down, and bowed his head to the floor. "I'm sorry I could not protect you all against this humiliation... I'm so... sorry that I have to put you all through this. … I’m so sorry… that you have to endure so much pressure.... I'm so so sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." His words faded away, until only sobs were rocking his shoulders.

They had seen Jonghyun being depressed, but this was the first time, that they saw their leader devastated like this, so vulnerable and making himself as small as possible. He was blaming himself for everything, even when most things clearly were outside of his control. Seeing him so devastated, their own tears began flowing too. Slowly they knelt beside him, patting him gently on his back or shoulders, or rubbing their hands over his arms.

Eventually Youngmin gently grabbed Jonghyun's shoulders and lifted him up, hugging him tightly. "It's going to be all right, Jonghyun-ah. It's going to be all right... I don't know how, but we'll manage..." Youngmin held him, slowly rocking Jonghyun until the sobbing gave way, and he felt Jonghyun's puffs of breath in his neck. Moving carefully, he looked aside. Jonghyun had fallen asleep in his arms. The others looked at Jonghyun with sad smiles. 
All these raging emotions had exhausted him. 

"Minhyun-ah, Minki-ah," Youngmin whispered, "you two clean up this room, will you?" They nodded. "Dongho-ah, help me to get him to bed." Youngmin cautiously stood up, lifting Jonghyun bridal style. They walked to the bedroom, where Dongho opened the door and even placed a hand on the door style, just in case Youngmin miscalculated his moves and Jonghyun's head would hit the wood. Together they manoeuvred Jonghyun into his bed, covering him with a blanket, before leaving the room.

The following days they wrapped up their promotional activities, and filled their freed up schedules with practices: dance, singing, vocal training, rapping etc. Until finally the day arrived, that Jonghyun, Minhyun, Dongho and Minki would leave for Produce 101. That day they packed their carry-ons in a subdued atmosphere. No joking around, almost no talking, apart from saying the necessary things. After that they assembled in the living room. Youngmin would stay behind, alone in the dorm. They had decided to go by subway and bus, like they did many, many years ago, when they were really trainees. So no car or manager was waiting for them.

"Well, we'll be going then," Jonghyun started. "Hyung, you hold the fort, ok?" Youngmin nodded and saw his dongsaengs walking to the hallway, readying themselves.

Seeing them like that, an old memory surfaced in Youngmin's thoughts, from the time when he was readying himself to leave home, to travel into a strange country and an unknown future. Before he left, his father gave him something, which he could  give his dongsaengs... At least, he thought he could... maybe...

"Guys..." Four pairs of eyes looked at him with curiosity. Those four pairs would soon behold their biggest challenge to date in their career. Youngmin couldn't just let them leave like that, empty handed. "Listen," he continued, "I don't know whether I'm allowed to do this, I'm probably going to break some rules. Maybe even a lot of ‘m. But as I'm the oldest of you, your hyung, and as this counts in Korea as some position of authority and responsibility, I'm taking the right to do this anyway..." The four pairs of eyes widened slightly in confusion, but also with even more curiosity.

Youngmin closed his eyes for a long moment, took a deep, very deep, breath, and opened his eyes again. He stood straight up, as if he was standing at attention.  "Here it goes..." Youngmin said. He lifted his right hand, until it was raised in front of him, higher than his head, as if he was going to wave goodbye to his dongsaengs. But his hand stayed there, unmoving in the air. 

He looked at his dongsaengs with all the warmth and love he could muster, and with a voice, that sounded deeper and more gentle than they had ever heard from the vocalist and rapper, Youngmin began to speak: 

"Benedicat tibi Dominus..."

Minhyun's mouth dropped open, and his eyes opened even wider, when he was the first to grasp, what Youngmin was doing. He dropped to his knees, and bowed his head. Seeing that, it took a fraction of a second before it clicked in Minki's brain, but with wide eyes, he too dropped on his knees and bowed his head. 

"...et custodiat te."

Jonghyun and Dongho were at a loss at first, but then remembered some documentaries they had seen, and some of the things that Youngmin had told them, about how he was raised and his school days. 

"Ostendat Dominus faciem suam tibi..." 

Apparently he gave them a blessing. They too decided to kneel down and bow their head. Judging by Minhyun's reaction, it was an appropriate way to receive such a blessing.  

"... et misereatur tui."

Especially when it was their hyung, who was giving them this blessing

"Convertat Dominus vultum suum ad te, et det tibi pacem... Amen."

"Amen," Minhyun repeated, and rose up. The other three followed.

Jonghyun looked at Youngmin, who had taken it upon himself to do this, even when he, as he said himself, may have been breaking some rules. Apparently it meant a lot to him, to give this blessing to his dongsaengs. So... "Thank you, hyung," Jonghyun said, also on behalf of the others. Youngmin nodded, and the four silently left the dorm, the door closing behind them with a soft click.

Youngmin stood there for a little while before moving to the dorm window. From there he could look downward, where his dongsaengs were walking on the street to the nearest subway station. They were talking among each other and suddenly stopped. Minhyun... yeah, that was Minhyun, nodded furiously, and apparently Dongho was flabbergasted about something. He said something, while gazing fiercely at their leader, and after that looked up to the dorm window. Dongho saw Youngmin standing in front of the window, and waved. The others looked up too and they too started to wave. 

Youngmin couldn't do anything else than wave back. He saw how they sported slight smiles, despite their broken happiness. He saw that their steps were a bit surer, less hesitant, despite their broken self-confidence. He saw that they walked, with slightly straighter backs, despite their broken pride. So Youngmin continued to wave, until he could not see his dongsaengs anymore. 

There, in front of that window, he contemplated what he had done, based on that memory that had surfaced. So Youngmin went to his bedroom. There he knelt down, and began to pray for the first time in years, for his dongsaengs, and with a passion he had not known since he was a little boy.

Youngmin remembered this all, while he was looking at the black tv-screen, where he had seen how Jonghyun avoided Kahi's eyes. They had it tough, so incredibly tough. Youngmin was moved to tears by Minki's written message, in which he was literally begging for attention and promising to work hard. It was just heartbreaking, considering all the hard work Minki had already done. 

If they would get too many setbacks, it could hurt their already bruised spirit. In the worst case, it could even cripple their spirit, in such a way, that they would not be able to recover before the end of the show. Youngmin could only hope, that it wouldn’t happen, but all he could do was watch and wring his hands in anguish.

Youngmin remembered what he had done, on the day that his four dongsaengs left. So he rose from the couch, and went to his bedroom. There he knelt down again, folded his hands and just repeated one sentence over and over again, with even more fire than he had on the day they had left the dorm: "Please give them strength, please give them strength, please ..." 

Fervently Youngmin hoped that somehow his prayer would be heard, that their already bruised spirits wouldn’t be crippled, so his dongsaengs could use this one shot they had, this last shot, to try to survive as Nu'est.