Pie, 

I'm sorry I couldn't sleep beside you again tonight. 

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I'd have to be exhausted so I can fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. Otherwise, I'd lie awake drowning in anxiety and dread. 

To be honest, what used to keep me awake until the wee hours of the morning were anxiety and regrets. There were so many things that I wish I could have done differently. With those things in mind, I can't help but suffocate and feel trapped in the consequences of my own choices. When I start drowning in my regrets, I would take comfort in the fact that maybe there is a next life after this one. Not an afterlife where my "soul" would exist in a spiritual realm (e.g. heaven), but a completely new life. A rebirth. A do-over. 

I thought to myself that I would surely make better choices then. The sense of comfort it gave me soon turned into excitement. Whatever struggle I faced was made bearable by the thought that I would have a chance at a redo - I was so  excited for the next life. 

But, one day, I had my rude awakening. It dawned on me that, if it really was going to be a rebirth instead of a final judgment, then I would have a completely different life. With completely different people. 

Different set of parents, siblings, friends. A different me. What would I look like even?

I couldn't breathe. 

I was a fool who took comfort in the thought that whatever negative circumstances I have to endure now were temporary and I will have a shot at something better in the next life. What I failed to realize then was that all the things I loved about my life now were just equally temporary. I was suddenly faced with the truth that I wouldn't have choice in the matter - sooner or later, I will be free of my imaginary shackles but just as soon will be left with absolutely nothing.

All of a sudden, I didn't want a second chance. As much as I could imagine being in better situations, I couldn't imagine having better people around than the ones I love. I couldn't imagine a better you.

I can't breathe with the thought that this may be my only life with you. It makes me miss you even in the middle of a funny conversation.

More than not being with you (and everyone else), what drives me really into the deep end is the thought of not remembering. The thought of maybe passing you or anyone else from a past life on the street and not even knowing makes me feel lonelier than ever. Like, I'm losing things i can't even tell what. Sometimes, I would stare at you for a solid minute trying to commit you to memory - my stubborness telling me that if only I would try hard enough, I couldn't possibly forget.

The thought of a lifetime together used to be so daunting. Now, all of a sudden, 30 years to me, though still impressive, just isn't nearly long enough. 

Finally, the exhaustion has come. 

Remember, through all this, I love you.

Good night.

Kim