description & comment samples
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DETAILS
These are some samples of the descriptions I've written for requesters for those who would like to know how I write my descriptions (: The mood my descriptions will give off will be based on the genre/mood of your thread and any relevant information/jokes your thread has provided. Alternatively, you can give me suggestions on what to include in your description!
+ I've also added samples of my comments. Feel free to tell me which area you want me to focus on for comments.
+ I've also added samples of my comments. Feel free to tell me which area you want me to focus on for comments.
descriptions
Inkfish (RP)
You there! Are you a semilit roleplayer wandering in the seas of roleplays, lost and depressed because you can't find any roleplay that appreciates your jokes? Look no further! Inkfish roleplay is a nonau, semilit rp, and we embrace all people of different genders, ualities, and... squid types. We welcome punny, unique and [CAPS]TIVATING roleplayers, and we also welcome cheesy roleplayers with eloquent pickup lines. Please proceed to bring your arses over and fill up the voids in our hearts, because you're the ink to our fish <3
Details: semi-lit, nonau, fbrp, all ualities accepted
Stay (RP)
Roleplays these days are always temporary. People form roleplays in a single breath and then dissolve them in the next breath, afterwards forgetting all about those people whom they used to laugh with.
But... Don't we all need someone to stay?
"I don't expect a lot right now. Just stay with me."
It's time that disappearance should stop being permanent. Stay roleplay is a roleplay we need. A roleplay here to stay. We're a nonau instagram roleplay embracing characters of all literacies and all ualities and all races (including internationals), and we don't expect much from you. All we need is for you to stay with us. And in return, we'll stay with you.
Stay with us at Stay roleplay today, and we'll never fade from one another's memories <3
Details: nonau, igrp, all ualities accepted
**below descriptions are not originally written by me; they're written by the authors, and I just tweaked them to make them sound more appealing
Angels Can't Die (Story)
When S. Coups witnessed the murder of your older brother right in front of his eyes, rage and fury overwhelmed him. He is the underground's lord, who is cold and never gives a second chance. But Himchan, his older brother, is probably the only person who meant something to him. The only one who gave him strength when he was in despair... Yet, he died. Right in front of his eyes.
Why...? Why wasn't he strong enough to stop it? Why did he let Hong Jisoo kill the only person he cared for?
In a fit of rage, S. Coups swore to avenge for his brother and kidnapped Junghan, Jisoo's husband, planning to kill him in front of Jisoo. It's only right to give an eye for an eye after all. But the two opponents shot each other. In a blink of an eye, everything turns upside down. Jisoo managed to shoot S. Coups's heart while the lord wounded him in the stomach, killing the man. With a broken heart, Junghan signed the papers to donate Jisoo's organs, knowing that his husband would want him to do so.
But, never could he guess that the heart's new owner would be none other than S. Coups.
What will happen between them? Can Junghan forgive him in this twisted change of fate?
If you want to find out, click the link below! ANGELS Can't DIE has all your answers.
Details: romance, action *M-rated
You're my haven in life and earth (Story)
A young boy with big dreams, Sehun is a wolf prince who ran from home to become a singer. Years later, he lives his dream and everything is perfect until he meets Luhan, a boy who holds a terrible secret, one that he doesn't know about, and knowing that secret may very well kill Sehun himself. Luhan is the reincarnated soul of a merciless ancient creature, and not only that, Luhan's previous countless deaths may have something to do with Sehun's own clan. How will Sehun cope with his dangerous situation?
...Especially when he wants Luhan to be his mate at all costs.
Details: mystery, wolf!au, mpreg
Deshi (RP)
— definition of deshi ; ...! yes, we're the !
Are you perhaps lost, confused or down in the dumps, because you're just a smol bean who can't find a family to fit in? Maybe, you just need somebody to feel like you're all right. Deshi is a roleplay formed to welcome all of you smol beans. Although we have ty naming skills (no pun intended), we still love and embrace one another for being the hoes we are. Even though we're one embarrassing family, we welcome all smol beans like you to make our family... an even more embarrassing place than it already is. Come (or roll) to us, and we'll embarrass ourselves together!
Details: nonau, twitter
Ikigai (RP)
-> ikigai : (n) a reason for being; the thing that gets you up in the morning.
When was the last time you woke up and had an inherent urge to check the notifications you got from your roleplay account? Those times seem like a distant memory of the past... but fret no longer! We aim to be able to a family that will linger in your head even the moment you wake up, so that you can start each day with Ikigai, your family, and remain invigorated for the rest of the day. Let Ikigai be your new wakeup call now, and roleplaying will become as exciting as it used to be <3
Details: nonau, crack, fb
Your love is my poison (Story)
In a world where the vampires are the top of the food chain, human 'pets' are common and in fact, they are specially selected and bred to fulfill their masters' needs. They are known as the edelweiss, the lowest of the lowest, and are basically seen as mere toys. On the male vampires' 18th birthday, they receive an edelweiss each as a gift. Two weeks later, Luhan released his, not standing the idea of having a human pet, while Kai tried his best not to kill Sehun, who was trained to do everything to impregnate him. What conflicts and discords would the existence of these pets bring? And what if... one of the vampires fell in love with an edelweiss? Would this love become a panacea or just poison to the highly regarded as lowly species? Come aboard 'Your love is my poison', this adventure full of romance, fantasy and mystery, and you'll be swept away by the universe that this story has to offer.
Details: romance, mystery, fantasy, mpreg, wolf!au, demon!au, vampire!au
Apotheosis (Roleplay)
-> apotheosis: the highest point in the development of something; culmination or .
deep inside us, we all have dark, hidden desires. we just need a right platform to unleash our inner desires. and guess what? that right platform is now here! we're a growing family that aims to spread happiness and ensure your security and comfort, be it emotionally or... physically, and before you know it, you're going to reach your biggest ever. if you're still not convinced, chanyeol will make it worth your stay, minhyuk will give you kisses and kihyun's a camboy, so you can just imagine what he's gonna welcome you with ;)
join us and reach your now, baby.
Details: rated m, nonau, twitter
Iridescence (Roleplay)
Sometimes, we just need someone beside us to laugh with us when we're happy, comfort us when we're down and listen to us when we need a shoulder to lean on. We're all stars searching for stars that complement us, but how do we exactly find 'the one'? You go on Tinder, but the numerous profiles seem like a blur and messaging is such a tacky way to get to know someone; besides you have to wait for hours just to swipe more! How are you supposed to find the perfect one at this rate?
Then, something catches your eye. Iridescence. Your new light.
Finally, there's a dating app that's more than first impressions. Sure, you can still swipe profiles if you like, but in addition to that, there are games available for you to get to know one another. There's more interaction, more sincerity and more digging beneath the surface - it's like the blossoming of an actual relationship.
Enthralled, you immediately download the app and sign up.
Terms & Conditions before using the Iridescence App:
1. This isn't just about dating, friends! It's about developing the friendships and relationships your character has, your character and your writing skills. It's no easy feat, but nothing worthwhile comes easy.
2. Of course, we want you to find your loved one, but do know that other people exist too. Get to make more friends rather than just make one new one!
3. You want ? Sure! Any ty writing is allowed, but no graphic material please. Words are beautiful enough to formulate whatever scenes you have in your head. You just have to use, twist and manipulate them.
Hmm, interested enough? Then, read more @ [link]. Collide with your matching star today.
Details: romance, fluff, matchmaking!au
You there! Are you a semilit roleplayer wandering in the seas of roleplays, lost and depressed because you can't find any roleplay that appreciates your jokes? Look no further! Inkfish roleplay is a nonau, semilit rp, and we embrace all people of different genders, ualities, and... squid types. We welcome punny, unique and [CAPS]TIVATING roleplayers, and we also welcome cheesy roleplayers with eloquent pickup lines. Please proceed to bring your arses over and fill up the voids in our hearts, because you're the ink to our fish <3
Details: semi-lit, nonau, fbrp, all ualities accepted
Stay (RP)
Roleplays these days are always temporary. People form roleplays in a single breath and then dissolve them in the next breath, afterwards forgetting all about those people whom they used to laugh with.
But... Don't we all need someone to stay?
"I don't expect a lot right now. Just stay with me."
It's time that disappearance should stop being permanent. Stay roleplay is a roleplay we need. A roleplay here to stay. We're a nonau instagram roleplay embracing characters of all literacies and all ualities and all races (including internationals), and we don't expect much from you. All we need is for you to stay with us. And in return, we'll stay with you.
Stay with us at Stay roleplay today, and we'll never fade from one another's memories <3
Details: nonau, igrp, all ualities accepted
**below descriptions are not originally written by me; they're written by the authors, and I just tweaked them to make them sound more appealing
Angels Can't Die (Story)
When S. Coups witnessed the murder of your older brother right in front of his eyes, rage and fury overwhelmed him. He is the underground's lord, who is cold and never gives a second chance. But Himchan, his older brother, is probably the only person who meant something to him. The only one who gave him strength when he was in despair... Yet, he died. Right in front of his eyes.
Why...? Why wasn't he strong enough to stop it? Why did he let Hong Jisoo kill the only person he cared for?
In a fit of rage, S. Coups swore to avenge for his brother and kidnapped Junghan, Jisoo's husband, planning to kill him in front of Jisoo. It's only right to give an eye for an eye after all. But the two opponents shot each other. In a blink of an eye, everything turns upside down. Jisoo managed to shoot S. Coups's heart while the lord wounded him in the stomach, killing the man. With a broken heart, Junghan signed the papers to donate Jisoo's organs, knowing that his husband would want him to do so.
But, never could he guess that the heart's new owner would be none other than S. Coups.
What will happen between them? Can Junghan forgive him in this twisted change of fate?
If you want to find out, click the link below! ANGELS Can't DIE has all your answers.
Details: romance, action *M-rated
You're my haven in life and earth (Story)
A young boy with big dreams, Sehun is a wolf prince who ran from home to become a singer. Years later, he lives his dream and everything is perfect until he meets Luhan, a boy who holds a terrible secret, one that he doesn't know about, and knowing that secret may very well kill Sehun himself. Luhan is the reincarnated soul of a merciless ancient creature, and not only that, Luhan's previous countless deaths may have something to do with Sehun's own clan. How will Sehun cope with his dangerous situation?
...Especially when he wants Luhan to be his mate at all costs.
Details: mystery, wolf!au, mpreg
Deshi (RP)
— definition of deshi ; ...! yes, we're the !
Are you perhaps lost, confused or down in the dumps, because you're just a smol bean who can't find a family to fit in? Maybe, you just need somebody to feel like you're all right. Deshi is a roleplay formed to welcome all of you smol beans. Although we have ty naming skills (no pun intended), we still love and embrace one another for being the hoes we are. Even though we're one embarrassing family, we welcome all smol beans like you to make our family... an even more embarrassing place than it already is. Come (or roll) to us, and we'll embarrass ourselves together!
Details: nonau, twitter
Ikigai (RP)
-> ikigai : (n) a reason for being; the thing that gets you up in the morning.
When was the last time you woke up and had an inherent urge to check the notifications you got from your roleplay account? Those times seem like a distant memory of the past... but fret no longer! We aim to be able to a family that will linger in your head even the moment you wake up, so that you can start each day with Ikigai, your family, and remain invigorated for the rest of the day. Let Ikigai be your new wakeup call now, and roleplaying will become as exciting as it used to be <3
Details: nonau, crack, fb
Your love is my poison (Story)
In a world where the vampires are the top of the food chain, human 'pets' are common and in fact, they are specially selected and bred to fulfill their masters' needs. They are known as the edelweiss, the lowest of the lowest, and are basically seen as mere toys. On the male vampires' 18th birthday, they receive an edelweiss each as a gift. Two weeks later, Luhan released his, not standing the idea of having a human pet, while Kai tried his best not to kill Sehun, who was trained to do everything to impregnate him. What conflicts and discords would the existence of these pets bring? And what if... one of the vampires fell in love with an edelweiss? Would this love become a panacea or just poison to the highly regarded as lowly species? Come aboard 'Your love is my poison', this adventure full of romance, fantasy and mystery, and you'll be swept away by the universe that this story has to offer.
Details: romance, mystery, fantasy, mpreg, wolf!au, demon!au, vampire!au
Apotheosis (Roleplay)
-> apotheosis: the highest point in the development of something; culmination or .
deep inside us, we all have dark, hidden desires. we just need a right platform to unleash our inner desires. and guess what? that right platform is now here! we're a growing family that aims to spread happiness and ensure your security and comfort, be it emotionally or... physically, and before you know it, you're going to reach your biggest ever. if you're still not convinced, chanyeol will make it worth your stay, minhyuk will give you kisses and kihyun's a camboy, so you can just imagine what he's gonna welcome you with ;)
join us and reach your now, baby.
Details: rated m, nonau, twitter
Iridescence (Roleplay)
Sometimes, we just need someone beside us to laugh with us when we're happy, comfort us when we're down and listen to us when we need a shoulder to lean on. We're all stars searching for stars that complement us, but how do we exactly find 'the one'? You go on Tinder, but the numerous profiles seem like a blur and messaging is such a tacky way to get to know someone; besides you have to wait for hours just to swipe more! How are you supposed to find the perfect one at this rate?
Then, something catches your eye. Iridescence. Your new light.
Finally, there's a dating app that's more than first impressions. Sure, you can still swipe profiles if you like, but in addition to that, there are games available for you to get to know one another. There's more interaction, more sincerity and more digging beneath the surface - it's like the blossoming of an actual relationship.
Enthralled, you immediately download the app and sign up.
Terms & Conditions before using the Iridescence App:
1. This isn't just about dating, friends! It's about developing the friendships and relationships your character has, your character and your writing skills. It's no easy feat, but nothing worthwhile comes easy.
2. Of course, we want you to find your loved one, but do know that other people exist too. Get to make more friends rather than just make one new one!
3. You want ? Sure! Any ty writing is allowed, but no graphic material please. Words are beautiful enough to formulate whatever scenes you have in your head. You just have to use, twist and manipulate them.
Hmm, interested enough? Then, read more @ [link]. Collide with your matching star today.
Details: romance, fluff, matchmaking!au
comments
Daddy's Little Princess
C2: Although this is just the introduction, I can see that your writing is very meticulous with details, which is always a plus point! For a story, it's important to make the imagery feel alive, which you've already accomplished in doing, especially when you utilise the 5 senses very well beyond just seeing (the smells, sensations and tastes are all vital in making it work). I'm sure anyone who has this sugar will enjoy this tremendously! However, what I've noticed is that you don't really talk much about the feelings of the characters whenever they're doing something, or even if you do, you describe it in a very shallow manner and don't go into further depth. Try to picture their facial expressions, thoughts, feelings and express them to the reader because as detailed as your scenes are, feelings of the characters are also very significant in making all the scenes feel complete and enthralling. Additionally, take note of your tenses (they're rather inconsistent) as well as punctuation. Sometimes your punctuation can be off and out of place. Those two are your major errors so just work on fixing them ^^ Other than that, your story seems good to go :)
C3: Ahh, I just love all your details, descriptions and actions. I'm surprised the conflict didn't last longer, but I suppose that cements the fact that Jimin is rather forgiving though his initial reason to be angry may seem petty to some (which suits his role as a princess). Jungkook, don't make your princess mad again! I still think you can do better in terms of expressing Jimin's conflicted emotions and Jungkook's helpless feelings. You're somewhat there but I feel that you should spread the emotions out a bit more rather than just describe them in two sentences. Using analogies may help... Perhaps, Jimin's incessant sobbing resembles the sounds of nails on a chalkboard; they grate Jungkook's ears and also his heart. I appreciate the intention of developing them beyond their roles though... Jimin has been spoiled (explains why he's so picky) and now he's way too reliant on his daddy, so he's insecure that Jungkook will leave him. On the other hand, we haven't seen much of Jungkook yet but hopefully we'll get to see more of his character beyond his role of sugar daddy soon. This time, you seem to be missing a few of your articles like 'the', but otherwise it's fine~
C4: Aww, this chapter is great! We get to know the backstory behind Jimin meeting Jungkook, and it really explores Jimin's backstory thoroughly. We also understand why Jimin has to get Jungkook to be his sugar daddy, and the part where he wasn't comfortable enough to have with Jungkook is a nice touch of realism (it won't make sense if Jimin was all comfy with that whole idea at the start after all xD). But now that we're talking about realism, I just wonder how Jungkook has all that money when he's just a police officer. Does he have a rich family backing him up or something? Providing for one whole family and Jimin's clothing + accessories is a bit of a stretch though. Other than that, I just hope we get to know 'what' about Jimin had caught Jungkook's eye to the point that Jungkook is willing to pay so much for him and even wait for him till he's ready. Perhaps if we get to see Jungkook's perspective, understanding all these details would come a lot easier.
C5: The bubble bath is really sweet, but I feel like it's way too cute and innocent? xDD It's still lovely to read, though I think readers who want more 'steamy' moments may prefer if there is more action going on since most of it is skipped ; u ; It depends on what kind of mood you're going for, so if it's this slightly playful relationship of innocent flirting, then I think it's fine. "And I like making you feel good baby" HAHAHA Jungkook! I'm just wondering what'll happen if Jungkook is the captain and Jimin is his subordinate in another alternate universe ; u ;
C6: Wow. That escalated fast xD That plagiarism is really uncalled for and I hope the user responsible for it has been reported and the story has been taken down >_< I understand that this can cause a writing slump, but there'll always be readers looking forward to your updates so I like to say: Just think about the good things in life and forget about the bad things. Hope you'll regain your motivation to write this story soon. Anyway, the story is going perfectly fine with how fluffy it is. The sugar is interesting and something that is not seen before, so I suppose this gives this story a unique flair. That being said, I wish there will be more substance in the future chapters (since it's kinda hard to sustain a story with just fluff), mainly developing more of Jungkook's character and the dynamics of Jikook's relationship. Slight drama would be a nice addition too, and maybe the involvement of side characters as well to show that there's a bigger world beyond Jungkook's home (like the part in Chapter 2 where they went out to a party). How about new dates too, maybe at the amusement park or something and Jungkook tries to do something naughty in public with Jimin? Haha I honestly dunno, but those are just some new ideas you can consider about. This is so that the story doesn't remain stagnant and every read always stays exciting. Hopefully my comments have been of some help to you so far! ^^
Details: , crossdressing, sugar daddy!au, fluff *M-rated
One in a Million
Things are getting so intense! I appreciate the fact that Sehun's family members are genuinely trying to educate him instead of ignoring his misdeed (like what most parents do in stories ;;). I hope Sehun will realise that fact and apologise to Luhan since it's pretty uncalled for, no matter how mad he can be. I pity Luhan for his predicament though T_T It reminds me of what atrocious things es have to suffer through in order to get money (though he's not so desperate to that point). I wonder how this situation is going to evolve to them falling in love though... Hopefully the development of their relationship will be genuine and touching. Regardless, I like how the story is progressing so far (you sure know how to bring things to a ). You should try and look out for tense errors since your tenses seem to be quite inconsistent. Other than that, all the best for this story! ^^
Details: , mpreg, family, romance
The Mute Prince
HAHAHA omg Ravi's sassiness is golden. He's probably my favourite character since he always seems to crack me up every time he appears xDD Plus, him and Luhan together are bromance goals. Your writing style has that very raw touch in it; although you don't exactly use figurative language and poetic devices, you somehow manage to convey raw emotions just through the characters' dialogue. Because of this, we can really feel the chemistry that the characters have. Sehun's double personality concept is an interesting idea, though I'm kinda confused how it actually works (like what triggers which personality and the whole story behind it). Hopefully there will be more clarifications on that in the next few chapters. As for which POV I would choose, I would like to opt for both! Showing the two contrasting POVs of Sehun would really develop both sides of Sehun thoroughly. But if I can only choose one, I guess the one? It's because we haven't seen much of the one's thought process yet, so it'll be a nice change if we can understand what the one is actually thinking (or if he does have a serious side to him). I think either POV would make an interesting read though. Don't stress yourself too much while working for the update! Your well being is very important as well ^^ All the best for this story :)
Details: , mpreg, romance *M-rated
PoW (Roleplay)
MOOOGLE!!! This is giving me Final Fantasy memories xD The districts idea sounds like a Harry Potter-ish concept (though there's no magic ; u ;). It would be cool if there are bonding events or other kinds of games bringing the districts together. Y'all seem like a genuine and friendly bunch of people so I wish all the best for this rp! May the PoWzens be at your fingertips :)
kupo!! just curious, since this is a semilit rp, will there be a group for plots or something? i can imagine the powcys and pownians clashing lol. the concept as it is sounds a ton of fun ^^ good luck for the rp!
Your love is my poison (Story)
Omg this is so intense O.o Like always, I really like your writing style since your dialogue is always packed with emotions. I hope we get more development on what exactly happened with Luhan's mother and his father, and the struggles Luhan had to face for him to feel such intense hatred towards his father. As much as I think the dialogue is a highlight of this chapter, I just wish there's more narration (maybe with thoughts or more emphasis on the description of his actions/facial features etc) so that there'll be time for the emotions to sink into the readers. ^^ It looks interesting so far though!
lol @ luhan's sass!! let's hope we keep getting to see a sassy luhan in the story! oh no, now you made me anticipate what will happen next... and how will this progress to sehun falling for luhan?? and how are the other creature princes like? i have so many questions *^* hope you'll be able to deliver good quality work like you always do :)) all the best!
wowow, i wonder why the vampires and the other species are intent to get rid of the originals! what role will the originals play in the story? and how does that link to the edelweiss? i pity the edelweiss so much though... it kinda reminds me of those cyborgs and AIs, except that the edelweiss seem more human-like (the irony lolol, humans created those cyborgs and AIs and now we're being created by vampires XD). do the vampires and the other species have conflicts? i'm so curious about the setting of this story but i think it'll end up turning out good. :D
I hope sehun isn't sacrificed just like that !! It would be so heartbreaking if he has to be sacrificed for the selfish wishes of the various races. Omg luhan is coming off so strong O.o I wonder what will happen next, because sehun is now like a robot who can only follow his orders... will he somehow develop emotions? because idt that the developers of these edelweiss will allow them to show any emotions at all. looking forward to the next update *^*
'half of his babies will be hermaphrodite' this actually reminds me of biology's genetic crossing LOLOL. although this seems like it's gonna be a dark story, i do hope there'll be a balance of comedy, action, angst so that it'll be a journey that'll give the readers all sorts and types of emotions ^ ^
wowow so many ships! it'll definitely fulfill many fangirls' needs lol, but since there are so many characters, do take note of the character development of all the characters as well, and hopefully they'll all play a significant role in the story. only then can all characters be memorable and leave a striking impression :)
Luhan, what an entrance to make Sehun remember you well lol. I feel kinda bad for the stepmom though- She seems genuinely nice but then again I dont trust stepmoms after all those kdramas lolol. Seems like this will be an adventure we can look forward to ;u;
so luhan doesn't like the palace life because of how pretentious it is? makes sense lolol even though living in a palace sounds nice, idk if i want to actually hold on a facade for my whole life. hope luhan will be free to do as he please in the future >_<
weeps caught a typo 'the human didn't bulge' - it should be budge instead or it would sound wrong XDD actually i don't understand something- so it's preferred that brides shouldn't be hermaphrodites, but how would that work? wouldn't both be dominant? i also wonder what are the uses for edelweiss since the children of the edelweiss and vampires may be looked down on due to their mixed breed, so wouldn't the families prefer having their vampire males mate with actual vampire females instead?
Hold your horses Sehun xD Just a theory, but... will Sehun end up being transferred to become Luhan's edelweiss instead, since he freed his? Besides, do all the edelweiss have emotions and thoughts? Damn, I feel like things are gonna be messy :x
i feel like xiumin is gonna be luhan's guardian angel~ have a feeling they will share a cute brotherhood ;D will he be able to appease luhan's rage tho? luhan seems very hot-blooded but i guess that's an inevitable character flaw. i just hope we get to see his gentler side soon!
how are all the other ships gonna play a part ?? also curious about how the other races actually interact with another- like whether there's a race depicted as the 'dark side' and a race that is depicted as the 'light side', although i find that terribly cliche. seems good to go though c:
What role does baek play here again?? But yayy i can't wait to see how the characters will mingle with one another. Have they actually tried to create 'pets' of different races other than humans tho? Because it seems funny if humans are the only race discriminated among the different species XD
Aww, luhan always get scolded for kai's mistakes. He'll prob get scolded again lol. I understand how Kai feels tho. Nobody would ever want to be forcefully impregnated by some random pet they don't have feelings for. Hope Sehun can be aware of that >.<
C2: Although this is just the introduction, I can see that your writing is very meticulous with details, which is always a plus point! For a story, it's important to make the imagery feel alive, which you've already accomplished in doing, especially when you utilise the 5 senses very well beyond just seeing (the smells, sensations and tastes are all vital in making it work). I'm sure anyone who has this sugar will enjoy this tremendously! However, what I've noticed is that you don't really talk much about the feelings of the characters whenever they're doing something, or even if you do, you describe it in a very shallow manner and don't go into further depth. Try to picture their facial expressions, thoughts, feelings and express them to the reader because as detailed as your scenes are, feelings of the characters are also very significant in making all the scenes feel complete and enthralling. Additionally, take note of your tenses (they're rather inconsistent) as well as punctuation. Sometimes your punctuation can be off and out of place. Those two are your major errors so just work on fixing them ^^ Other than that, your story seems good to go :)
C3: Ahh, I just love all your details, descriptions and actions. I'm surprised the conflict didn't last longer, but I suppose that cements the fact that Jimin is rather forgiving though his initial reason to be angry may seem petty to some (which suits his role as a princess). Jungkook, don't make your princess mad again! I still think you can do better in terms of expressing Jimin's conflicted emotions and Jungkook's helpless feelings. You're somewhat there but I feel that you should spread the emotions out a bit more rather than just describe them in two sentences. Using analogies may help... Perhaps, Jimin's incessant sobbing resembles the sounds of nails on a chalkboard; they grate Jungkook's ears and also his heart. I appreciate the intention of developing them beyond their roles though... Jimin has been spoiled (explains why he's so picky) and now he's way too reliant on his daddy, so he's insecure that Jungkook will leave him. On the other hand, we haven't seen much of Jungkook yet but hopefully we'll get to see more of his character beyond his role of sugar daddy soon. This time, you seem to be missing a few of your articles like 'the', but otherwise it's fine~
C4: Aww, this chapter is great! We get to know the backstory behind Jimin meeting Jungkook, and it really explores Jimin's backstory thoroughly. We also understand why Jimin has to get Jungkook to be his sugar daddy, and the part where he wasn't comfortable enough to have with Jungkook is a nice touch of realism (it won't make sense if Jimin was all comfy with that whole idea at the start after all xD). But now that we're talking about realism, I just wonder how Jungkook has all that money when he's just a police officer. Does he have a rich family backing him up or something? Providing for one whole family and Jimin's clothing + accessories is a bit of a stretch though. Other than that, I just hope we get to know 'what' about Jimin had caught Jungkook's eye to the point that Jungkook is willing to pay so much for him and even wait for him till he's ready. Perhaps if we get to see Jungkook's perspective, understanding all these details would come a lot easier.
C5: The bubble bath is really sweet, but I feel like it's way too cute and innocent? xDD It's still lovely to read, though I think readers who want more 'steamy' moments may prefer if there is more action going on since most of it is skipped ; u ; It depends on what kind of mood you're going for, so if it's this slightly playful relationship of innocent flirting, then I think it's fine. "And I like making you feel good baby" HAHAHA Jungkook! I'm just wondering what'll happen if Jungkook is the captain and Jimin is his subordinate in another alternate universe ; u ;
C6: Wow. That escalated fast xD That plagiarism is really uncalled for and I hope the user responsible for it has been reported and the story has been taken down >_< I understand that this can cause a writing slump, but there'll always be readers looking forward to your updates so I like to say: Just think about the good things in life and forget about the bad things. Hope you'll regain your motivation to write this story soon. Anyway, the story is going perfectly fine with how fluffy it is. The sugar is interesting and something that is not seen before, so I suppose this gives this story a unique flair. That being said, I wish there will be more substance in the future chapters (since it's kinda hard to sustain a story with just fluff), mainly developing more of Jungkook's character and the dynamics of Jikook's relationship. Slight drama would be a nice addition too, and maybe the involvement of side characters as well to show that there's a bigger world beyond Jungkook's home (like the part in Chapter 2 where they went out to a party). How about new dates too, maybe at the amusement park or something and Jungkook tries to do something naughty in public with Jimin? Haha I honestly dunno, but those are just some new ideas you can consider about. This is so that the story doesn't remain stagnant and every read always stays exciting. Hopefully my comments have been of some help to you so far! ^^
Details: , crossdressing, sugar daddy!au, fluff *M-rated
One in a Million
Things are getting so intense! I appreciate the fact that Sehun's family members are genuinely trying to educate him instead of ignoring his misdeed (like what most parents do in stories ;;). I hope Sehun will realise that fact and apologise to Luhan since it's pretty uncalled for, no matter how mad he can be. I pity Luhan for his predicament though T_T It reminds me of what atrocious things es have to suffer through in order to get money (though he's not so desperate to that point). I wonder how this situation is going to evolve to them falling in love though... Hopefully the development of their relationship will be genuine and touching. Regardless, I like how the story is progressing so far (you sure know how to bring things to a ). You should try and look out for tense errors since your tenses seem to be quite inconsistent. Other than that, all the best for this story! ^^
Details: , mpreg, family, romance
The Mute Prince
HAHAHA omg Ravi's sassiness is golden. He's probably my favourite character since he always seems to crack me up every time he appears xDD Plus, him and Luhan together are bromance goals. Your writing style has that very raw touch in it; although you don't exactly use figurative language and poetic devices, you somehow manage to convey raw emotions just through the characters' dialogue. Because of this, we can really feel the chemistry that the characters have. Sehun's double personality concept is an interesting idea, though I'm kinda confused how it actually works (like what triggers which personality and the whole story behind it). Hopefully there will be more clarifications on that in the next few chapters. As for which POV I would choose, I would like to opt for both! Showing the two contrasting POVs of Sehun would really develop both sides of Sehun thoroughly. But if I can only choose one, I guess the one? It's because we haven't seen much of the one's thought process yet, so it'll be a nice change if we can understand what the one is actually thinking (or if he does have a serious side to him). I think either POV would make an interesting read though. Don't stress yourself too much while working for the update! Your well being is very important as well ^^ All the best for this story :)
Details: , mpreg, romance *M-rated
PoW (Roleplay)
MOOOGLE!!! This is giving me Final Fantasy memories xD The districts idea sounds like a Harry Potter-ish concept (though there's no magic ; u ;). It would be cool if there are bonding events or other kinds of games bringing the districts together. Y'all seem like a genuine and friendly bunch of people so I wish all the best for this rp! May the PoWzens be at your fingertips :)
kupo!! just curious, since this is a semilit rp, will there be a group for plots or something? i can imagine the powcys and pownians clashing lol. the concept as it is sounds a ton of fun ^^ good luck for the rp!
Your love is my poison (Story)
Omg this is so intense O.o Like always, I really like your writing style since your dialogue is always packed with emotions. I hope we get more development on what exactly happened with Luhan's mother and his father, and the struggles Luhan had to face for him to feel such intense hatred towards his father. As much as I think the dialogue is a highlight of this chapter, I just wish there's more narration (maybe with thoughts or more emphasis on the description of his actions/facial features etc) so that there'll be time for the emotions to sink into the readers. ^^ It looks interesting so far though!
lol @ luhan's sass!! let's hope we keep getting to see a sassy luhan in the story! oh no, now you made me anticipate what will happen next... and how will this progress to sehun falling for luhan?? and how are the other creature princes like? i have so many questions *^* hope you'll be able to deliver good quality work like you always do :)) all the best!
wowow, i wonder why the vampires and the other species are intent to get rid of the originals! what role will the originals play in the story? and how does that link to the edelweiss? i pity the edelweiss so much though... it kinda reminds me of those cyborgs and AIs, except that the edelweiss seem more human-like (the irony lolol, humans created those cyborgs and AIs and now we're being created by vampires XD). do the vampires and the other species have conflicts? i'm so curious about the setting of this story but i think it'll end up turning out good. :D
I hope sehun isn't sacrificed just like that !! It would be so heartbreaking if he has to be sacrificed for the selfish wishes of the various races. Omg luhan is coming off so strong O.o I wonder what will happen next, because sehun is now like a robot who can only follow his orders... will he somehow develop emotions? because idt that the developers of these edelweiss will allow them to show any emotions at all. looking forward to the next update *^*
'half of his babies will be hermaphrodite' this actually reminds me of biology's genetic crossing LOLOL. although this seems like it's gonna be a dark story, i do hope there'll be a balance of comedy, action, angst so that it'll be a journey that'll give the readers all sorts and types of emotions ^ ^
wowow so many ships! it'll definitely fulfill many fangirls' needs lol, but since there are so many characters, do take note of the character development of all the characters as well, and hopefully they'll all play a significant role in the story. only then can all characters be memorable and leave a striking impression :)
Luhan, what an entrance to make Sehun remember you well lol. I feel kinda bad for the stepmom though- She seems genuinely nice but then again I dont trust stepmoms after all those kdramas lolol. Seems like this will be an adventure we can look forward to ;u;
so luhan doesn't like the palace life because of how pretentious it is? makes sense lolol even though living in a palace sounds nice, idk if i want to actually hold on a facade for my whole life. hope luhan will be free to do as he please in the future >_<
weeps caught a typo 'the human didn't bulge' - it should be budge instead or it would sound wrong XDD actually i don't understand something- so it's preferred that brides shouldn't be hermaphrodites, but how would that work? wouldn't both be dominant? i also wonder what are the uses for edelweiss since the children of the edelweiss and vampires may be looked down on due to their mixed breed, so wouldn't the families prefer having their vampire males mate with actual vampire females instead?
Hold your horses Sehun xD Just a theory, but... will Sehun end up being transferred to become Luhan's edelweiss instead, since he freed his? Besides, do all the edelweiss have emotions and thoughts? Damn, I feel like things are gonna be messy :x
i feel like xiumin is gonna be luhan's guardian angel~ have a feeling they will share a cute brotherhood ;D will he be able to appease luhan's rage tho? luhan seems very hot-blooded but i guess that's an inevitable character flaw. i just hope we get to see his gentler side soon!
how are all the other ships gonna play a part ?? also curious about how the other races actually interact with another- like whether there's a race depicted as the 'dark side' and a race that is depicted as the 'light side', although i find that terribly cliche. seems good to go though c:
What role does baek play here again?? But yayy i can't wait to see how the characters will mingle with one another. Have they actually tried to create 'pets' of different races other than humans tho? Because it seems funny if humans are the only race discriminated among the different species XD
Aww, luhan always get scolded for kai's mistakes. He'll prob get scolded again lol. I understand how Kai feels tho. Nobody would ever want to be forcefully impregnated by some random pet they don't have feelings for. Hope Sehun can be aware of that >.<
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