Chapter Two: Counting Sins

"You're the reason my soul goes through Constant Death"

The sound of car doors shutting with force reach his ears and Baekhyun lazily stands from his bed to shuffle his feet to the window. He rubs into one eye as he sees the tall figure of Chanyeol heading for the entrance, followed by another tall one—Sehun, Baekhyun guesses. A glance at the clock hanging on the opposite wall and Baekhyun frowns slightly. They’ve been away for all day, and although Baekhyun knows it’s none of his business, he can’t but wonder where they were at.

Truth be told, Chanyeol rarely goes missing for over twelve hours at once. And when he does, there is always some injured men to return with him. But this time, no one seems to be hurt, and considering Joonmyun isn’t with them, it shouldn’t have been important enough. Or serious.

Baekhyun moves to pull the curtains closed when he hears the door handle turn. He knows this is not the norm and he stares at the door as it’s pushed in and a tall, black figure shows from behind it. Smell of leather and the jingle of stainless steel chains, indicating it is Chanyeol, out of all people. Baekhyun’s hair stands on edge because he knows what these visits are for, and he’s never prepared for them. He’s never prepared to be manhandled—who would ever be?

“You’re up?” Chanyeol’s voice is surprisingly soft and something in Baekhyun ignites. A warmth so self-destructive because he’s sure this is yet another trick of his hearing. Mistaking the deep, sharp voice for inviting concern and interest. He would always fool himself like this and regret it a couple hours later. An inevitable cycle.

Baekhyun nods his head and he finds himself gulping in fear and leaning back against the window as Chanyeol approaches. And he hates himself during these moments, because he wants to fall at Chanyeol’s feet and serve him, but his body has gotten used to being afraid of his animalistic nature. He does calm down a bit, though, now that he’s sure Chanyeol is not drunk—alcohol being the main reason he’d hate the same person he admired.

There’s never a kiss. Never a hello and never a goodbye. It’s always the same dry visits.

It’s the same record playing over and over again and Baekhyun has gotten used to wearing a mask of fake happiness.

His heart always beats so fast, so hard against his ribcage but Chanyeol will never listen. Not his heartbeat, not his eyes. He will always be ignored and as much as Baekhyun tries to push, he’s met with a ton of resistance. But it’s perfect—as much as it can be, being exploited by someone you look up to, someone you care about. It’s these short visits Baekhyun is staying for, even if it’s the same, even if they are causing his own self-destruction.

Never a kiss, just distant caresses, indifferent, cold. Only lust and need of relief, need for peace. But Baekhyun doesn’t mind. That’s what he does best in this life. So he gives five times more what Chanyeol asks, and in turn, he’s ignored. But he’s learned to live like this, and this is a habit now, so he doesn’t mind.

He doesn’t mind being undressed, he doesn’t mind being gawked at like a piece of meat, he doesn’t mind being treated like a ragdoll. Come to think of it; he doesn’t mind a lot of things when it comes to Chanyeol. He doesn’t mind the rejection, the mistreatment, the beating, the raw need. He doesn’t mind being replaced, tossed away, ignored. He doesn’t mind a lot of things, and so many more, because above everything else, Chanyeol is someone he cares about.

So as long as Chanyeol is alright, he’ll be alright, right?

If just only, for one second, Chanyeol stopped and listened on in his screams.

How much would change then? If only…

***

The basement is quieter than the previous two times Baekhyun visited Kyungsoo. Men have stopped guarding him after so many days, fully aware that the fight has left the raven-haired man. The smell still makes Baekhyun cringe and a lump sits in his throat when he finds the other sitting on the bed, leaning his body and head against the moist wall. He looks even smaller by the way he’s gathered his legs in himself, bony hands hanging from above his knees. His eyes are closed and Baekhyun would think he was asleep if it wasn’t for the soft hum reaching his ears.

It is a calming tune, filling up the silence even if it is so low. It echoes against the walls, revolving around Kyungsoo and trapping him in a trance of his own. Maybe imagining his life prior—Baekhyun wouldn’t know. He just stands there, staring at the man who shouldn’t be there.

He doesn’t know how long it is until Kyungsoo opens his eyes lightly and startles at the figure staring back. Baekhyun weights himself from one foot to the other, before pulling a box from the inside of his jacket.

“I brought you this.”

Baekhyun knows he shouldn’t stare, but he can’t pull his eyes away from Kyungsoo’s body. He’s lost weight—that much is evident to anyone. He doubts anyone would bother to feed him healthy food. Or enough. Baekhyun remembers how he came in the first day, and he’s amazed how these two weeks have made his fingers already so bony. But his appetite is little. He can see that he’s not as hungry as he should be by the way he’s slowly munching on the food Baekhyun brought him. It’s a sad sight, and one Baekhyun has to force himself to look away from.

“Thank you, but I can’t finish it all,” Kyungsoo says after half an hour, less than half of the portion missing and Baekhyun offers a smile.

“It’s understandable,” he replies softly and watches the raven-haired lean his head against the bars. “You shouldn’t force it down anyways. It’ll just make you sick.”

Baekhyun’s eyes follow the other’s finger gliding across the plastic cap of the lunch box. The movement is almost nerve wrecking because it’s not going in full circle but rather back and forth, almost like a clock’s tail counting down to God knows what.

“You don’t belong here.” The whisper breaks the silence and Baekhyun focuses back on Kyungsoo, who’s sporting a thoughtful expression. “How on Earth did you end up in here with your heart?”

He wonders that a couple times each month. How could a person like him end up in a place so dark, where only the strongest men with the blackest hearts ended up in? Where a wrong move would sign you up to death? And he knows he’s done a lot of faults till now, the most recent one earning him bloody injuries. He knows he’s bound to do more faults, and Chanyeol will stop being so tolerant of his mistakes. For all he knows, bailing Kyungsoo out—or at least trying so, could be the last thing he’ll ever do.

But he’s contemplating then; isn’t a real death better than having a piece of you die every time the person you looked up to hurt you? Wouldn’t it be faster, too?

Maybe he doesn’t have anything to fight for anymore, and as Baekhyun realizes that and lets the thought evolve in his mind, he feels close to crying. Because this was a mistake, and he shouldn’t have agreed and he knows he’s obsessed but it’s killing him inside now more than ever.

“Are you alright?” Kyungsoo touches him and Baekhyun almost jumps back. “You don’t seem well. Are you sick?”

“No, I’m not,” Baekhyun’s voice is stuffy and he just swallows the tears back. Not the time, not the place. A comfortable silence falls upon them and Baekhyun wraps his arms around himself before the one thing he’s been wondering about leaves his mouth. “Why didn’t he come?”

He expected Kyungsoo to get mad, or freeze and ignore. But the man only sighed. “No one said he would.”

“Aren’t you Kai’s other half?” Baekhyun almost regrets asking when Kyungsoo frowns at him. Baekhyun sheepishly smiles; “Sorry, they like gossip here.”

“I wouldn’t use that description, to be honest.” Kyungsoo pauses, most likely unsure whether he should continue. In the end, he does. “Kai is a man of constant challenge controlled by his own demons. That’s how he was raised, that’s how he’s lived and that’s how I met him. He likes to mess around with everyone, bouncing from one person to the other. It’s just that Chanyeol amused him a little too much and I… well I was someone he would come back to and support him no matter how many deaths his hands carried that day.” A small smile etches itself on his face, one of longing, maybe irony as well. “But he’s a stubborn, prideful man who won’t fall into traps or nonsense like emotions.”

“And I, I will just continue going back.”

Ironic isn’t it? Going back to where you are not wanted, running after a dream of your imagination.

Only because you have learned to chase the impossible.

***

Sehun has a big mouth, that much Baekhyun has already learned. So he knows where to head to when he’s searching for information no one will ever share with him.

It’s that same evening Baekhyun slips out of his room, shortly after Chanyeol does. He knows he’ll be thought to be asleep so he just throws a bathrobe over his pajamas and steps into his shoes before heading out in the corridor.