A/N: The author is in no way related with the characters. Written based on what I observed from the past episodes + bonus uploads of the MNET channel (eg. Dorm life)

People say that the trainees’ phones are taken away but given back after missions. Posting on SNS is strictly not allowed. So, in simpler terms, Kim Yongjin (a contestant who who posted on SNS, poor kid) is in big trouble. They are allowed to get out of the training camp after their missions. Refer to: (20170416 Minki is seen at the Sewol commemorating ceremony this year). Not sure of the arrangement of the people who are roommates in the dorm (refer to scenes in this fanfiction where Minki and Kim Dongbin are in the same room and when Park Jihoon barged in the B dorm room where Jonghyun is staying which are just assumptions) [IMPORTANT] Scenes, such as trainees being rude and erted, Nu'est members and the other trainees not smiling and not having fun at all, trainees’ gossiping habits, and any other ‘thinking scenes’ are exaggerated/assumed for dramatic effect. Most of the boys in PD101 seems genuinely nice, have a good brotherhood and support for each other. We all know how MNET loves drama and loves uploading episodes full of tearful moments instead of them having fun. Episode 1 was filmed on Feb 26. They were given three days before the reevaluation, and on the 9th of March, their M!Countdown performance was held. Episodes 3 and 4 were filmed on the 26th day of March. Credits to Peach101 (youtube account) for the information about the episodes.

 

FIC IS UNBETA-ED. Maybe edited in the future.

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Minki heaves his hundredth sigh of the day, still not getting over with the events of the first day of their 'Pick Me (나야나/Nayana)' practice. He stares at the ceiling of their dorm room, his mind whirling with a lot of worries.

Minhyun has been quiet since their trainings started, and Minki knows that it is because the former heard about the controversy he is in circulating the net. Minki tries his best to make a smile crack on Minhyun’s face, but the latter just remains indifferent during the breaks they have during practices to the moment that they headed back to the dorm. Minki knows that deep inside his friend and bandmate, he is troubled of the effect the stormy news will bring to their standing in the show. Even if Minhyun now knows that his teacher and friend defended him online, he is still worried about what people will say about him. It also makes Minki worry that Minhyun is all alone in the C dorm, while the three of them are altogether in the D ones.

Dongho’s smile, on the other hand, isn’t as genuine as it used to be. It is similar to the ones Minhyun wears nowadays; forced, for the camera or to prevent any brewing issues about them acting superior and snobbish among the trainees.

It also breaks Minki’s heart how Aron is alone in the dorm, and when they go back to the company dorm after filming, their oldest hyung keeps on apologizing for not joining the show, even if it is not the elder’s fault. The latter is just avoiding controversies, and Minki understands it whole-heartedly.

 

Do not even get Minki started with their leader.

 

Jonghyun… He changed. He really did. Jonghyun has always been the shy and silent type, but nowadays, he rarely speaks. He won’t talk unless he has something important to say.

 

“Go to sleep. We need to be active tomorrow. Kahi sunbae told me that we lacked energy this afternoon.”

 

“Eat up. The management said that they do not want any rumors of us not being paid properly because we are losing weight.”

 

Jonghyun rarely smiles anymore. He prefers dancing and practicing in the D dorm with the other trainees struggling with the steps, instead of talking with the maknae, his co-member, his boyfriend. Minki sees his lover’s face always scrunched up in concentration on his steps, and he decides not to interfere the man who is on the go 24/7, unless Jonghyun looked like he would collapse from the amount of sweat that dripped down his exhausted form.

Even if their schedule of filming is done, when they go back to their—JRen's—own dorm in the company, even if there is just the two of them, they rarely speak to each other because Jonghyun is too immersed in practicing or watching animes, so Minki opts to go to the other three's dorm to chat.

Jonghyun is pointedly ignoring them. He does not even sleep on the same bed with Minki anymore.

He cannot blame Jonghyun for wanting to distance himself from them. Of course, nobody is more broken-hearted than Jonghyun himself, who had been giving his all since day one while s seemingly lost the will and determination to fight.

While the other trainees are having fun shouting and laughing during their practice breaks or when they are in the dorm, they remain silent just like the other frustrated trainees. Minhyun is in another room so Minki doesn’t have any clue about what’s going in there unless Minhyun tells them after practice. Dongho, who struggles with the steps the most among the rank D members, lays on the floor while staring at nothing in particular. Jonghyun keeps on practicing and helping the other trainees who are having difficulty with the steps. Seeing the younger trainees doing better than him made Minki frustrated, so he does what he can to be not left out.

 

The rest is history.

 

It irks Minki how their once jolly brotherhood turned into a memory, judging on how each and every one of his co-members acted in a completely different manner. They had experienced ‘failures’ all those years, but this is the first time that things took a rough turn.

 

The mother of their group is undergoing an inner crisis, his all-smiles member can now be mistaken as a mafia boss by the manner his face is always serious, their hyung is alone, and his leader and boyfriend won’t even talk properly to him.

 

 

It’s hard. Everything is hard. But Minki is doing his best to cope up with the situation.

 

 

As expected, they had trouble adjusting with the other trainees. Most trainees are genuinely friendly and looks up to them, as reflected by the manner that their eyes shone when they approached them after the first day of recording to have their autographs. Minki couldn’t help but smile brightly that day at the high-spirited trainees, especially those who got low gradings during the first evaluation but are still as jolly as they first came.

How they could beam oh so brightly despite their 'failures' in their performances made Minki realize that most of kids still haven’t seen the harsh realities of the world, just like he was years before.

A few of them, specifically those who debuted before and ended unsuccessfully like them approached them and gave them reassuring pats and words, which they wholeheartedly appreciated.

A handful of trainees shot them icy stares, showing how much displeasure the other trainees feel from the presence of idols who already debuted.

Perhaps it is indeed unfair for the trainees that Nu'est, who has a fanbase—whether solid or not, joins the show.

 

But what can they do?

 

They are desperate.

 

Hopeless.

 

Isn't it also unfair that the company made them rot in the basement and never promoted them properly? Changing their music genre and concepts, making them enter into long hiatuses after a 'failure' in their album sales, promoting their juniors in a completely different manner, mismanaging them in the worst ways possible...

 

And the company is making them feel as if they are a failure? Whose fault is it anyway?

 

They did all their best, participated in album preparations, practiced their vocals and dance steps day and night but...

 

They are still considered as flops.

 

Failure.

 

A mistake.

 

An irreversible case.

 

Will everything of this happen if he auditioned in the Big Three companies instead? No matter how notoriously 'mean' those companies are, at least, the artists already established a name for themselves because of their company name. Some of them even release crappy music, but still manages to have them sold out because they belong in the Big Three.

 

What if he spent his early years in the university and the army instead; will he have debts now just because their albums are barely sold? The trainees nowadays are fortunate because they have survival shows, while his fellow trainees years back needed to undergo intense promotions just to get recognized by the public. The trainees in this generation already have the spotlight on them even without debuting. They obviously have a bright future ahead of them, compared to Minki and the whole Nu'est.

 

He would not come in the competition if the situation is not that bad. He wishes to be as successful as the two Pledis trainees that got into I.O.I. He wants to be as known as SEVENTEEN. He wants to have their own solo concert in their own country with thousands of warm-blooded Koreans cheering for them. He wants to break album records, get nominated for music shows and year end awards, and a lot more wishes that he thinks will only happen in his dreams.

 

Stupid company. Why did he even stay in the first place?

 

A lot of their seniors left, while the ones who stayed are left with the illusion that they will one day make it big...

 

Just like Nu'est themselves.

 

After milking them like cows for money, here they are: forced to swallow their pride just to survive the cruel world of the industry.

 

All those years, they experienced having stupid, unhelpful staff who gave little regard to their wellbeing, lack of managers and going to events alone, dressing up all by themselves and going to events via taxis, subways, and buses without make up, improper album promotions, promoting more overseas than in their motherland, lack of fancafe and website updates and production of official goods, working in harsh weather conditions with little rest and security…

 

Why can't they leave?

 

He does not even know why he is still fighting for this.

 

He is tired. Really tired.

 

s are probably tired, too.

 

Is it really worth fighting for?

 

Is being an idol his destiny?

 

Maybe it isn't.

 

He wishes that this ordeal won't happen to their juniors.

 

 

 

A huff leaves Minki's mouth in distress. He looks around the training room, which is composed of trainees as exhausted as him. All living soul in the studio are exhausted practicing dance steps for ‘Nayana.’ It is a new version of the last season's ‘Pick Me’ and this one is a lot more challenging and exhausting than the last season's version. It could have been better if they will just perform the girls' version from the last season but it real hard how the level of difficulty raised because the dance is made to fit males like him. As someone who has debuted as an idol, Minki should find it easy. But no. Nu'est is not into those intricate, quick dance steps as reflected from their recent comeback, thus, making it hard for him to cope up.

It has been hours since they got stuck in the studio, repeating the same steps over and over. Some of them already mastered the moves, but many, including Choi Minki himself, are still having trouble with the dance. Minki sees his fellow trainees lagging behind, which unfortunately includes him. They cannot remember where to move their hands first, when and not to move their feet with the beat.

“If you do it like this, you cannot do it. Come to your senses!” He almost jumps from his place once Kahi retorts at them, and the disappointed looks on their former company sunbae, friend and dance teacher makes Minki ashamed of himself. As the practice goes by, most of them get a grip of themselves and pick up the steps, and Minki can only stare in concern to a particular member who is evidently struggling with the choreography.

“2, 3, 4! Dongho, only you are slow!” Kahi speaks in an irritated tone, and Minki takes a quick glance to his exhausted bandmate.

They go on the practice until Kahi stopped counting. Seeing the female’s menacing glare through the studio mirror elicits a silent, internal groan from Minki who stares at their dance trainer. The room grows terribly quiet that, especially when they see who Kahi is staring at on the mirror.

“Yah, Dongho,” Kahi reprimands the particular person whose eyes reflect nothing but shame and lack of motivation, “Dongho, why are you so slow?” Dongho remains mum at that and hangs his head low. Minki retracts his gaze from Dongho, his heart breaking at the mere sight of his helpless bandmate who just got humiliated on front of all the trainees. Minki wants to look at Jonghyun, but he cannot muster enough guts to stare at his leader’s disappointed face because of their lack of proper progress.

During the vocal trainings with Lee Seokhoon, one of the vocal coaches, Minki is the first trainee to be called on front. He feels his neck veins popping in effort of hitting the high note, and he sighs in relief when their strict tsundere vocal coach tells him that he isn’t that bad. Minki stares at envy to Yoo Hwiseung who hits the hardest parts of the song with little effort. He nibbles his lip in nervousness when Dongho and Jonghyun are called, with the former doing well because vocal is his strong point while the latter, a rapper with a deep voice, cannot hit the high note.

Minki silently rebukes himself for his incompetence. There is only one day left for practice, and he needs to take it seriously unless he wants to fail.

 

“Whoever thought of making this dance is totally nuts.” Minhyun stares at the files of trainees proceeding down the stairs from their respective training rooms. The four of them huddled in a corner of the first floor, too exhausted to proceed back to their own dorms. “I have never been this terribly challenged in my whole life.” Minhyun stretches his legs on the floor, his downcast eyes and disheveled hair damp from sweat reflecting the inner turmoil inside him. “Three days, dudes. Three days of practice before D-day. What is in the producers’ minds?”

“Please throw out of the planet Earth whoever composed that horribly hard song,” Minki says, pulling his knees towards his chest, staring at nothing in particular. “I’m screwed. Gosh. Even rappers are forced to sing that ty song.” Minki directs his gaze to their leader—main rapper, main dancer, Minki’s friend and boyfriend—leaning against the wall, but the latter does not budge a bit.

“My hips and legs hurt. My neck feels strained, and my sanity is going out of the window,” Dongho bemoans. “This feels like our training years ago. I never dreamed of going back in this condition.”

“Neither do I,” Minhyun whimpers while holding his throat. “My throat hurts so bad. I don’t think I can perform properly on the next day. They are not even feeding us properly. I miss Aron hyung’s cooking.”

“Aron hyuuuuung~” Minki whines, making his head fall on Minhyun’s shoulder. “I want to go back to the dorm.”

“Ah. Yours and Jonghyun’s very own dorm, or our dorm that seems to be more of your home instead of your own JRen dorm?” Minhyun teases, and Minki scowls at him. “I don’t care where. I want the mission and filming to end already. I want to have a taste of home-cooked food again, binge on junk foods, watch television, lay on the bed all day, to go back to our old lifestyle—“

“Can we stop complaining and just move our asses off?” All three heads whirl towards the leader who has been silent throughout the whole conversation. “Practice in the dance studio or the dorm. Instead of grumbling to no end, just do something about the situation.”

“Jo-Jonghyun?” Minhyun blinks rapidly, totally taken aback from the way their usually placid and playful leader spoke. “Did I hear it right?”

“I cannot understand why you are being like this.” Jonghyun facepalms and rubs his face in vexation. “You guys are talented. You all know that. What is happening in here? Is this the way idols with five years of experience perform? Do you think the management will be happy about this? If we will just be like this, then we better go back to Pledis and rot in the basement again.” The other members stare at Jonghyun in shock, except Minki who cannot bring himself to stare at his boyfriend.

Jonghyun never cut any of them while talking. Jonghyun never looks so distressed and disappointed with them, and Minki knows that he said the wrong things at the wrong timing. While Jonghyun is making efforts to cope up with the circumstances: new environment, new people, new challenges to overcome but old leader issues and burdens; here he is: complaining, grumbling, lazing around, wasting any efforts that Jonghyun exerted in all those years he kept the group together.

“I’m sorry.” The maknae swallows thickly, his hands his suddenly tight shirt to stop himself from breaking down. “I-I didn’t mean to… anger you. I’m sorry.”

The other three remain silent, watching their downcast maknae quiver in hopes of stopping his tears. No, do not cry over a petty thing. You deserve it. You deserve it, Minki. He’s already burdened and here you are making everything worse. Minki keeps telling himself while trying to keep his tears at bay.

“I’m sorry. I think I got overboard.” A familiar, warm hand places itself on his shoulder, but Minki refuses to look up, not wanting the elder to see his moist eyes. “But I hope that you understand. We are in the lowest points of our lives. This is our one and only chance. If we lose in this one, I do not know what is bound to happen to us.” Jonghyun’s words are soothing and comforting, but they do nothing to nurse the fresh wound that his boyfriend inflicted on him. He does not even know why he is hurt. It is just a simple eye opener. Minki is certain that he won’t be emotional if it came from Minhyun or Dongho, but Jonghyun…

Minki is never the sensitive type but the thought that Jonghyun is probably thinking that the maknae is shaming their group makes him lose the little composure and ego that are left in him. The thought alone makes him sick of himself.

“Ah, why does my body suddenly crave to dance?” Minki quickly rises on his feet, laying his hand on the wall to fight the possibility to stumble because of his suddenly wobbly legs. “Excuse me. I’ll go back to the dorm.” He walks away, ignoring the pleadings of his bandmates and discreet coaxes of ‘go follow him, Kim Jonghyun’ and runs off the moment a single tear escaped his glassy eyes.

 

 

 

The reevaluation performance rolled on, their new grades are given, and here he is, preparing for their rehearsal for their ‘Nayana’ M!Countdown performance.

He stares in distaste at the reflection looking back at him with the same disgusted expression on.

 

He, Choi Minki, an idol for five years, got into the F group.

 

F group? F group!?

 

An idol who already debuted getting the lowest grade?

 

Why is the world so cruel?

 

Seeing himself clad in the grey shirt that shouts a big fat 'F' at the back makes him sick of being the loser he is.

 

He could hear the gossips and occasional snickers from some trainees whenever he passed them, and all he could do was lower his head and clench his fist in shame.

He could not blame anyone but himself. In the level reevaluation which determined their place for the filming of ‘Nayana' he did terribly bad, forgetting all the steps from the first few seconds of the video. Dongho remained in the D class. Jonghyun got a B grade and Minhyun’s grade turned into D. Minki is quite thankful that one of them got a higher rank, or else, he will surely have a mental breakdown for being an embarrassment to their families.

It makes him angry of himself that he, someone with a lot of experience in five long years; someone who dances girl group songs and Lady Gaga music on television as if it is a piece of cake; someone who performs on front of the crowd for the past years is having difficulty to dance. What the actual ?

He swears to himself that he remembered those steps after hours of endless practice in the training room and the hall outside their dorm, but how could his mind go blank in D-day of their reevaluation? What makes him upset of himself is that he didn’t try that much. He could have continued singing; why did he just give up that fast? Did the pressure really weigh him down?

The image of Jonghyun being anything but happy while watching their fail reevaluation performance is still vivid in Minki’s mind, and the thought alone that their dreadful errors will end up being aired in the national TV and the internet makes him sick to the stomach.

It does not help that the other trainees are crying over the phone whenever they call their family. All four of them cannot bring themselves to call their loved ones, thinking that their families are disappointed by the rate they are going in the training camp. On the leader's free time, Jonghyun converses with his dormmates and the other trainees who are asking for advices to cope up with the training, and Jonghyun often tells the stories of their predebut and idol experiences.

Minki sits on the sidelines, rejecting the idea of interrupting the serious, emotional mini-meeting just to bond with his leader and boyfriend even if he is itching to do so. He knows that it is the right thing to do as he does not want any rumors of them having a relationship circulating in the nosy trainees and the media, and the inexperienced kids need guidance especially during these years. Jonghyun already apologized to him the same day that he got scolded by the former, and Minki readily accepted it. Though, there is a big distance between them that fails to be filled because of endless practices, rest in the dorm, and other reasons that inhibit them from going back to what they used to be.

During the last rehearsal for the 'Nayana’ performance in M!Countdown, he fondly watches the other zealous trainees in hopes of pushing himself to strive harder, but Minki finds himself falling into depression, the pressure to do well and prove their capabilities and competence suffocating his once optimistic nature.

He stares with envy at the A trainees dancing on the rising stage, thinking that if only he tried harder, if only he did better, if only he was good enough, then he would probably be one of those shining A grade trainees, and maybe, the center.

 

The thought that he belongs to the group which will only serve as back up dancers in the performance makes his heart ache.

 

He cannot take it; while practicing the steps with the other F trainees, tears suddenly fall from his eyes.

 

He excuses himself from the performance and as embarrassing as it may sound, he cries on front of the camera in self pity.

 

He thanks his fellow F trainees for being there on his mini crisis, and they all cheer up for each other. He appreciates how Minhyun and his fellow D trainees yell from their place "B C D F fighting!" and how all of his fellow F trainees support each other in this ordeal.

 

Still, there is a lingering thought at the back of Minki’s mind that continues torturing him in every single waking hour, and even in his sleep.

 

Did Minki… burnout? Is he already too tired to do this?

 

Is the end of the tunnel still far away from his sight? Does the tunnel really have a bright entrance to greater wonders beyond or is it just a dark, cold dead end?

 

 

 

"Sorry that I didn't choose you." The elder's voice is barely audible in a room full of practicing trainees and noisy footsteps, but Minki's ears register the apologetic tone in those words. Though, despite the words having a purpose of comforting his offended feelings, it still does not change the fact that the same words give a pang in his broken heart.

"We cannot always be together, Minhyunnie," Minki smiles weakly while intertwining their hands. The squeeze he gives the hand is accompanied by unspoken words of dread that foretell the possible doom of the group they held on for years. "Plus, I do not want any articles to circulate about you being biased and unfair. And at least, none of us will be performing 'Mansae.' That will be a shame."

Minhyun shakes his head while laughing at the remark. "Right. About the choosing-your-members matter, I'll talk to Dongho about it later," Minhyun mumbles lowly to which Minki answers, "I know that he'll understand." Their eyes travel around the room to settle on a smiling Dongho who is practicing with his fellow trainees. "Look. He seems happy in his own group. He is adapting."

"I hope so," Minhyun replies as he laid his head on his fellow member's shoulder. "Do well in your rehearsals and performance, our beautiful maknae. Show them that you’re prettier than any noonas out there."

"Thank you," Minki chuckles. "You too. I bet that if the popular kids' team are the second Avengers, yours is the Justice League. I know that you'll slay everybody in that day. You chose your members well. You can be your own entertainment’s CEO Hwang one day."

"I am not that trainee who has the dream to be a CEO, idiot." Minhyun playfully jabs the other who fakes a pained choke. "Seriously speaking, I know that we will do well, because Jonghyun is chosen as our leader."

"He must be displeased," Minki laughs while staring at a distance where his boyfriend is eating with his fellow team members. "We all know how much our shy little boy hates being the leader."

"But the kids love him," Minhyun comments, his lips curling into a smile. "They are like, 'hyung, I can feel that you can lead us.' 'Hyung, can you teach me do the move?' 'Hyung, you're the best. Thank you so much.' Besides, the tendency to bite his tongue and slap himself just to relieve his nervousness around new people became lesser. He feels comfortable with them now."

"He surely is the best leader out there." Minki then turns to his friend to ask, "why aren't you eating? If you aren't eating during breaks then at least practice."

"You aren't practicing yourself, too," Minhyun shoots back with a playful tone. "I am here to bond with our sweet, lovely maknae who has been emotional lately."

"Min, I do not want to talk about—"

"If Hyunbin didn't tell us, we won't know that you cried during the ‘Nayana’ rehearsal." Minki turns away from the suddenly serious male. Unconsciously, he pulls his legs towards his chest and buries half of his face on his knees. “Does Jonghyun know?”

“Yes. He is seriously worried,” Minhyun sighs, “he cannot bring himself to scold you again because of that.” The elder of the two laughs while ruffling the other’s hair. “But of course, we all know that little cutie. He is too shy and still sorry to ask you directly what is going in your mind.”

“So that is why he kept on shooting me guilty stares these past days,” Minki says unenthusiastically. His eyes stayed glued on the floor even if he is staring at nothing in particular. “Even if he asks, I will not say everything out loud. You know how much he already has on his shoulders. I do not want to burden him furthermore.”

“You know that you are not a burden to any of us, don’t you?” Minki winces at the sudden pinch on his cheek, but he cannot bring himself to glare at Minhyun because of the warmth in the latter’s voice. “I understand why you do not want to tell Jonghyun, but at least, tell me what’s the matter.”

“Well let’s just say that I feel like I am becoming a hindrance to our success.” Minki flinches a bit at the pang of his own words but he knows that that is what he kept bottled inside during the past days. “He went up to level B but he cannot bring himself to be happy because of us, particularly me. At least Dongho stayed in D while you got a level lower. But me? I got an F, Minhyun. I got an F. I wonder how much Jonghyun feels ashamed whenever the others gossip about our group, because I did bad. I even have the audacity to cry even if it is my fault for not trying harder.”

“You know that feeling, Minhyunnie?” Minki adds, his downcast eyes never leaving the wooden planks of the cold floor, “I want to give my all. I want to do good. I want to show them what I got. I want to win. I want to prove myself and to let everyone know that I am really a debuted idol, and that I deserve to be part of the top eleven. But I can’t. I really can’t. I do not know why but I just know that I can’t.”

There was a long silence after that. Minki does not dare to look over his friend’s face, afraid to see the pitiful look in the other’s eyes. He was about to remind the other that break is almost over had not an arm wrapped around his frame.

“Maknae, I am sorry if I cannot help you at all,” Minhyun whispers sadly against his ear, and Minki has to fight the urge to let the sudden surge of emotions take over his unstable self.

“Just a few months of waiting.” Minki buries his head on the crook of Minhyun’s neck, intending to hide his watery eyes. “Just a few months of hardships and all of this will end. I know you can do it. You and I know what you are capable of doing, Minki. But if ever fate betrays our wishes of success, I am wi