Irene doesn’t like her like that and Seungwan knows. Honestly, it’s a pretty harmless crush and she’s relived to get it out.

I’m sorry Seungwan. I really am.

The rejection is gentle, inevitable and Seungwan understands. She accepts it with grace and dignity and no observable emotion. (The girls are worried. She’s usually expressive and now she’s not.)

She finds courage, she’s brave for confessing and she tell herself that it’s alright; that she’s fine. Seungwan is no stranger to failed romance and missed chances, she understands. (Understanding didn’t make it hurt less before and it doesn’t make it hurt less now. She’ll fake smiles until she’s happy, as long as Irene’s smiles are real.)

Seungwan doesn’t pretend it never happened, because that would be disrespectful. She makes sure Irene knows that her rejection has been acknowledged, accepted and that Seungwan understands. (Nothing had changed between them. Everything has changed between them.)

Her grandmother had said that transparency is best when it comes to love and she agrees. It’s all for the best and Seugwan tries to believe. (Irene’s smile doesn’t change. Irene’s touches remain the same. They’re still Seungwan and Irene and she is glad.)

They will always be Seugwan and Irene. They never got to be anything else.

Seungwan isn’t too sure when it all began; all she knows is that she doesn’t want it to end.

Usually, people are passive dreamers. They observe, completely helpless, as their dream runs its course. These dreams fade and when they wake, all that’s left behind is the barest hint of memory and the ache of emotions gone by.

Seungwan’s dreams are different. Seungwan’s dreams are special. She’s an active participant, able to control her actions and steer the dream whichever direction she wants. She recalls her dreams with perfect clarity.

Sometimes it’s a single dream. Sometimes it’s a series of dreams. The most consistent one is an almost perfect mirror of the life that she already leads. If she focuses before she sleeps and if she wants it badly enough, she can slide right into mirror-Seungwan’s skin with ease.

Her grandmother had called her a Dreamwalker and taught her to never, ever lose herself within dreams.

They’re reflections of things gone by, things that will never be, and things that might come to pass. They’re lives you could have lived, people you could have loved and things you could have done.
 

If you get lost, you won’t want to come home, Seungwan.

Her grandmother was always wise. Always willing and always kind. Seungwan had learnt life lesson’s on her grandmother’s knee, eyes bright and innocent, before she had needed them.

The most drawn upon lessons had been on her dreams and she’s never strayed before now.
 

She’s Seungwan when she’s awake. She’s still Seungwan when she sleeps. The difference is the Joohyun that lives in her dreams. She’s Joohyun when she’s sleeping. She’s Irene when she awakes.

They will always be Seungwan and Irene. They will never be Seungwan and Joohyun; except when she’s dreaming. (She’s always wanted to call Irene by her Korean name. There’s a certain intimacy in a name. One that Seungwan won’t get to experience when she’s awake.)

(She was honestly surprised when Joohyun reciprocates her feelings. That’s usually not the way it goes.)

They go dates to coffee shops and wear matching clothes. They kiss in museums and sing in the car. It’s fun and relaxed and happy and everything that could have been. She remembers it all in the morning when Joohyun is Irene but Seungwan remains the same.

She lets herself forget at night. Lets herself be happy; just for a little while.

It’s just a crush; until it isn’t anymore. Irene eventually became Joohyun and Joohyun eventually became hers. It was harmless and now it’s dangerous, but Seungwan cannot bring herself to stop.
 

The girls say she’s looking ill and that they’re worried abut her health. They’ve been promoting a lot recently, going on diets and taking too many trips and she’s apparently looking terrible. She’s paler and thinner and quieter but Seungwan says she’s fine. (She’s not sick. She hasn’t been getting enough sleep. Hasn’t been seeing Joohyun. She sees Irene but it’s not enough.)

Seungwan forgets too much and remembers just enough. You’ll stay with me won’t you, Seungwan?

She made Joohyun a promise and she intends to keep it.

They say she’s been acting weird and that they’re there for her if she wants to talk. Seungwan smiles and thanks them and slips away to buy some sleeping pills. (She addresses Irene as Joohyun and misses looks of worry and shock.)

She wants to be happy. Even if it’s for a little while. (She’s lost. She just doesn’t know it yet.)