Krystal had some experience with love, but she had to admit that Amber's FaceTime call had literally blown her off her feet. She really hadn't seen that coming.

 

It had been a while since f(x) had come together. The Encore of their concert, Dimension 4 Docking Station, had been the last time since all four of them had been together. It had been a quickly scheduled because their comeback had been proponed. Luna had to return from Japan in which she had been preparing for a musical, Victoria from China, Amber from the recording studio and Krystal from her busy schedule, full of photoshoots and beauty conferences she had to attend to.

After that, they went their separate ways again, like they always did nowadays. The members were too busy to be around each other anymore, and that sometimes was incredibly frustrating. Whilst they used to be around each other all the time, now they saw each other once every few months and that was just lonely. Being away from home and from your friends was hard. Krystal Jung knew all about it. That was simply the life of an idol. But at least, they had endured that hard life together, and not alone. Perhaps that was a perk of growing up and becoming an adult, Krystal thought. Still, she didn't like it; she missed the members.

 

In their groups chat, she had announced that she'd be going abroad for a few weeks to shoot different shoots. She'd start off in Paris – in France – and then would fly over to New York and California. Last but not least, a shoot in London. That overall took about two weeks before she'd be back again. Luna and Victoria wished her good luck. It was a weak response but she knew how busy both women were so she had just let it be. Victoria with her endless offers of movies and drama's, and now that Luna's musical started running, she was occupied almost every day. The only one who had time to come to the airport with her, was Amber.

They had agreed to meet at their favorite restaurant for a quick bite before they would go to the airport. Since Krystal's flight left in the evening, they had enough time to lunch together. It was a welcome get together, since it had been a while since she had been together with just Amber. Nowadays they didn’t often do things together, just the two of them, and it was a shame. During their lunch, Krystal was reminded why Amber was her best friend in the first place.

Eventually, their time had been drastically reduced because Amber had been half an hour late, but they were both fast eaters – although Krystal always being pickier than Amber was – so they had eventually arrived on the airport on time. The air in the restaurant had been nice. It had been like the old days; eating together, laughing, cracking jokes. Krystal had missed the brat, and was glad to be around her again. Amber always made sure there was a certain light mood. It was an ability very few people had, and Krystal sure as hell didn't. She admired her friend for that, and was glad that whenever she was around there, that she could enjoy herself.

When Amber had paid for lunch – since she kept insisting that it was her treat – they headed towards Incheon Airport. Covering their faces before going in, they walked armed through the big entrance hall. Amber helped her check in, and bring her luggage away. All that was left was to go through the customs and get to the gate. Amber wouldn't be able to go through the custom service because she hadn't booked a ticket herself, so they lingered a little while longer around the little shops and got food another time, despite having had lunch only two hours ago.

They talked and talked, laughing in between. It was lightening, refreshing, since it had been a while since she and Amber really talked. They attended every subject that they had been avoiding intentionally, so that they were up-to-date to each other's lives again. Both girls took strength in knowing each other's weaknesses even if they weren’t always talked about out loud. Krystal couldn't wish a better best friend than Amber Liu.

 

Eventually, it was time for her to go. She wanted to be at a reasonable time at the gate, so that she could board early and wouldn't have to get into the human mass that always formed as soon as the employees called over to the passengers that they were starting to check passports and tickets. On their way to the customs, they held hands, because they wanted to feel close a little more, a little longer. It was different than holding hands with Jongin. Amber's were softer, and delicate. They easily fit in her own, whilst she had always trouble wrapping them around Jongin's. But Jongin was far from her mind right now.

They said good-bye with a long hug. A hug that was maybe too long to be just friendly. If Krystal had noticed it back then, she might've seen it coming what happened the following night, but she was oblivious. Amber smiled like she had to endure a nasty tooth ache when Krystal waved to her, walking up to the row of the custom service. They exchanged another smile. Krystal made a heart with her arms, and Amber made one with her index finger and thumb.

Amber waited the whole time, while the queue increased and Krystal neared the custom service. Just before she had to place her bag upon the plastic boxes and take off her shoes, she heard Amber yell.

"Soojung, wait-!"

Krystal looked up, meeting the brunette's eyes. Amber came running towards her, almost panicky. The other girl frowned, not sure what was going on, since Amber had waited the whole time, but now suddenly seemed to remember something.

"What's up?" she asked curiously. Amber opened to say something, but nothing would come out. Her eyes avoided Krystal's, even though she had been so needy to come to her a few moments ago. With her hand, she scratched the back of her head, almost a bit shy. Krystal almost wanted to ask again, when her friend suddenly lunched forwards and wrapped her arms around her. Taken by surprise, she at first didn't know what to do. Amber placed her head upon her shoulders, and hugged her a little tighter. Krystal managed to get her arms free from her grip, and hug her back, wrapping her own arms around Amber's neck.

"Ah, why so much affection suddenly?" she chuckled.

"Just have a safe trip, okay?" Amber said softly. Krystal smiled and shook her head.

"Of course, Stupid. I can handle myself."

"I know, it's just that I-"

"Ma'am, you're up!"

An annoyed costums employee poked her shoulder a few times. An older man with grey streaks at his temple, a little rather down the queue than Krystal, huffed in agreement.

"If you are going to keep hugging, let other people at least pass, girl," he hissed. "Some are late for their plane."

“Well perhaps they should have come a little earlier then. If they’re late, then that’s their own fault,” she replied coldly.

Krystal shot both of them a foul look and didn't take her arms off of Amber yet. The two girls simply stepped outside the line – because there simply was no reason to argue further with the man –  still holding each other. Krystal nuzzled her face in Amber’s neck, placed her head on the other girl’s shoulder. It had been a while since she had really cuddled with Amber. Often is was merely a quick hug, as a matter of a greeting. Right now, she could feel the emotion behind it.

It confused her a bit. It wasn’t uncommon that she left by plane for a modelling job or stayed more than two weeks. Amber often left to the States too, to visit her parents, sister and friends. They had never hugged each other so tightly before…

But Krystal found herself liking it more the longer the hug lasted. Her muscles eased and her breathing slowed down. If it’d be allowed, she would’ve stood here all day. Eventually, Amber broke off the hug, with an almost tragic smile on her face. It was a weird sight to see her friend so sad suddenly just because she was leaving.

“Go get your plane,” she said. Krystal nodded, a bit dazed. She could still smell Amber’s perfume.

“Yeah, I should...” she muttered. She reclaimed her place in the line and gave her passport to the employee for him to check. Right when he placed a stamp as permission into the passport, Krystal turned around. She saw how Amber was walking towards the exit, and suddenly a wave of panic crashed over her.

“Amber – Wait!” she yelled. The other girl immediately turned around. Krystal got her passport pushed back into her hands and the man told her to walk on, but she felt like she suddenly was made out of marble, not being able to move. She saw how Amber came walking back, her eyes twinkling.

Someone pushed her to walk on.

“We’ll FaceTime, okay? I’ll call you when I’ve arrived!” she called, before the man behind her took her with her towards the part of the airport where Amber wasn’t allowed to come. She could just see Amber’s thumbs-up before she disappeared behind the corner.

 

Once on the plane, Krystal couldn’t set her mind off of Amber. She knew her friend could be weird at times, but today she had seen a side of her that was rarely shown. Sure, Amber was caring if she wanted to be and she wanted to know if her friends did well. And if they didn’t, she’d personally make sure they would be happy again. But Amber had almost been panicking that she left… And even weirder: Krystal herself didn’t want to leave anymore too. She had felt the same.

Amber had waved her off a couple of more times in the past, but they had never been so anxious to let the other go. Had there been something she wanted to tell her? Was Amber herself okay? She always cared for her, but whenever there was something wrong with the always bubbly girl herself, she often tended to hide it very good. Krystal was one of the few people whom she regularly gave hints to if she felt really bad. Was this one of those hints?

The more she thought about it, the worse her headache became. Eventually, she just put up a movie to drown out her worries about Amber. They’d call as soon as Krystal would arrive in Paris.

 

She had been in Paris one time before: when she was attending KCON in 2016. 4 Walls had just been promoted and they would perform it there. Amber did Borders and Shake that Brass as well. They had only been there for the weekend and they hadn’t been able to do a lot of cultural things. Heck, she hadn’t even visited the Eiffel Tower! Luckily one of her shoots was near the giant construction, so she would at least be able to see it from a distance. Hopefully they also allowed her to go up.

The financers of the photoshoot had put her in a five-star hotel, complete with a welcoming fruit-basket on her bed when she arrived. The hotel smelled like spices and flowers and everything that smelled delicious and sweet in one scent. The hotel was incredibly luxurious, even for her, who had seen quite a lot of hotels already.

She arrived a day early, but she reckoned she’d mainly spend the day sleeping. The time difference was killing her. It was early in the evening in France, but in Korea she was supposed to be sleeping already.

Krystal hadn’t forgotten to call Amber, but since it was already half past two in Korea, she decided it could wait ‘till the morning. Instead, she let herself fall on her bed and started to dig in her fruit basket. She wasn’t supposed to eat much before the shoot, because that would bloat her face, but her stomach was killing her and she reckoned that some fruit wouldn’t do much harm.

 

Right at the moment she wanted to dig into a mango, her phone started to buzz. Right at the moment she wanted to dig into a mango, her phone started to buzz. Krystal looked up in surprise, taking it from the night stand next to her bed. A smile appeared on her face when she noticed Amber’s face-time request on her screen. She chuckled softly at the incredible bad picture that had popped up. Krystal’s hobbies included putting the ugliest pictures of her friends as their profile picture, so whenever they called her she would burst into laughter.

It was still a tad weird though that Amber called her now. It was almost 2 AM at night in Korea. She knew Amber was someone who liked to stay up late, but 2 AM on a Tuesday night was a lot, even for her. Nevertheless, she accepted the call.

Amber’s ugly picture disappeared and her real face appeared. Krystal was immediately met by hard and loud music. The screen turned dark, the only light coming from a purple stage light that moved around constantly. She could hardly see Amber’s face, but it was so close to the screen that it was hard to miss.

“Yah, where are you?!” Krystal exclaimed, extra loudly so Amber could hear her. Before Amber could answer, she heard laughter on the background, with a loud, “Amber, you still coming?”

“Is Sunyoung with you?” she asked immediately. “It sounded like Luna is there. You’re not drinking, are you? I swear to God, if you-”

“We’re at a club!” Amber screamed back.

The way her smile appeared so easily on her face made Krystal suspicious immediately. She frowned annoyed and sighed, letting her head lean on her hand.

“Don’t make it too late. And be careful that people don’t take pictures of you,” she said. Amber shook her head and made a ‘don’t-worry-about-it’-sign. Only Krystal did worry. More about Amber than about the fact that pictures were taken.

It wasn’t uncommon for idols to be spotted on parties. BIG BANG’s G-Dragon and 2NE1’s CL were often in clubs and she guessed a lot of other artists as well. She knew that Amber and Luna both had a soft spot for soju as well, despite getting drunk easily, liking to drink a lot. Krystal was more a wine-girl, and liked to keep it with a glass or two at dinner if she felt like it. She wasn’t the type to go out. She had tried once, when she was younger, but she didn’t like it much. The music was good, she loved the way it vibrated through your body on the dancefloor, but it simply was too crowded. Even when people said the crowd was rather timid, it was still too busy for Krystal. She didn’t like all of those sweaty bodies bumping against her and she didn’t want to be so close to everyone. That’s why she often stayed at home and let feeling of music vibrating through her veins over to the times they would perform on stage, so the only sweaty bodies that were around her were those of her members.

She knew Amber liked to let loose once in a while and she didn’t blame her. With all the that has been going on lately with the company as well as their personal lives, she deserved to let it all out. It was a healthy way to relieve stress. That didn’t take away Krystal’s worry about her friend though. Whenever Amber went clubbing, that was mostly a sign that the past few weeks had been really tough on her and she needed time to re-charge.

She was glad Luna was with her, so she could keep an eye on her, but her voice hadn’t sounded entirely sober either so she wondered if she’d be of much help if something really happened with Amber.

All in all, Amber was pretty responsible, so Krystal guessed she’d be okay.

“Are you okay? Did you arrive safely?” Amber screamed into the mic. Krystal nodded and cringed a bit at Amber’s voice; she was obviously tipsy. Her Korean pronunciation was terrible.

“Amber, put the phone down!”

“NO! I-I have to tell you something,” Amber blurted out. Her gaze was unfocussed and she kept looking up, like something was distracting her. Krystal frowned.

“Amber, go home, you can tell me in the morning,” she replied, but Amber shook her head furiously.

“No, I have to tell you myself! Right now, or I’ll lose my courage!”

Krystal sighed and rubbed in her eyes with her thumb and index finger.

“Fine, tell me.”

“I’m in love with you,” Amber said, in the most serious voice ever. The moment she had said it, Krystal heard a high-pitched “NO!”. Another person jumped onto Amber, it almost seemed, and tried to hit the phone out of her hand. In the last second of the video call, she noticed how a girl who looked a lot like her group member was struggling with Amber over the phone, eventually accidentally ending the call with her pinky finger.

Krystal stared in disbelief at her phone, which now displayed Amber’s ugly picture again. 

 

She had no idea what to think. It was confusing her until a point in which her head started to hurt like crazy. It was about 6 PM in France and she was tired as hell, but because of Amber’s confession couldn’t fall asleep, as much as she tried to. Tomorrow she would have to get up at eight but the question whether Amber’s confession was actually meant and real kept her up ‘till late in the night.

 

Krystal had zero clue how to handle this. She is naturally a person who has a hard time handling emotions, especially those of others. She didn’t know if Amber was just messing with her, or if it was just a stupid exclaim from a drunk person or whether it was actually something she had been wanting to tell her for a while already.

Krystal didn’t know what she preferred; whether it was nothing and that Amber would happily call her the next day to apologize and tell her it was a dare Luna made her do, or that it was actually true.

If it was true, she thought by herself, a lot of things suddenly made sense. Why Amber had acted so weird at the airport, so clingy and so sad that she left. Why they had spent so much time together the past few weeks, whilst they used to be okay with just texting. Why Amber took care of her when she told her she was sick. Why Amber had given her flowers and chocolates for lasts Valentine’s day, whilst Victoria and Luna had only gotten flowers. Krystal had already asked about it back then, but Luna and Victoria had simply shrugged, muttering something that Krystal had always had a special place in Amber’s heart and that it didn’t mean much. She had let it slide back then, but she was now wondering if there was something more going on. And if there was, what did she need to do now?

If Amber really was in love with her, then she needed to reject her right now, right? Krystal got sick to her stomach at the thought of rejecting Amber.

Even though it wasn’t her intention to let the thought of Amber kissing her slip into her mind, she couldn’t help to think of it. Her body felt strange when she thought about it. Her cheeks had reddened, which had confused her even more. She had never had trouble with rejecting people if she wasn’t in love with them as well, but with Amber it was different. Because she is your friend, Krystal assured herself.

 

She had no idea what to do anymore. The last thought that crossed her mind before she fell asleep was that Luna had been there at the party too and that she must know more…

 

Krystal cursed the dark circles under her eyes when she woke up the next morning. She looked like it had been her who had been drunk, and not Amber. Her hair was messy and even though she combed it, it looked like a bird’s nest. Her skin was sickly pale to a point where it wasn’t pretty anymore. She could already hear the curses of her make-up artist ringing in her ears.

Her team wasn’t at all happy with her, like she predicted. They didn’t say much to her, only that she should’ve gone right to bed as soon as the plane had landed. Krystal hadn’t responded, knowing she’d just make it worse if she told them her best friend for the past 8 years had just confessed to her that she had a crush on her last night and that had kept her awake.

The shoot started but Krystal wasn’t able to concentrate. She barely could hear the photographer give her directions and even if she did, she only half-performed them. The pictures probably looked awful and at the growing frowns of her team, she noticed that she really wasn’t doing a good job.

The stage manager let her take five and it was all Krystal needed to rush back stage, towards her make-up trailer and pull out her phone out of her bag. She dialed Sunyoung’s number.

A sleepy voice answered after a life time. Krystal hadn’t even checked the time, but she couldn’t care less. Right now, she needed confirmation and certainty for her head to clear again and what way would be faster than attack her unnie?

“Hmm, yes?”

“Is Amber really in love with me?” she burst immediately. There was silence on the other side of the line. A long terrifying silence that made her grip the phone harder and harder with each passing second.

At last, a sound of ruffling sheets sounded. She heard Sunyoung sigh in the phone.

“What do you mean?” she eventually whispered. Krystal groaned in frustration.

“You were there, Sunyoung, I saw you with Amber in the club. And right at the moment when she told me that she was in love with me, you slapped the phone out of her hands. I need to know if it’s true or if it was just the alcohol talking. Really, Sunyoung, I’m going insane.”

She could hear her friend gulp over the other line. It made her stomach twist with nervousness.

“I’m not supposed to tell you that.”

“So it’s true, then? She does.. like me.”

Luna growled.

“For ’s sake, Krystal, don’t you understand that this was all a mistake? That she wasn’t supposed to tell you? Why do you need to know? Just pretend you never heard her say that because both of us know what will happen next,” she said angrily.

Krystal blinked in confused. It didn’t happen often that Sunyoung swore. Perhaps with singing along to songs, but they all did that every now and then. But she had never sworn to her. She hadn’t often been this angry with her and even then, they made up quickly. This sounded different.

“Did you know?” she asked quietly.

“I did… I... caught her, sort of. I just felt it. She hasn’t told Qian yet, but I think she just knows too. There’s little our Victoria doesn’t notice,” Sunyoung said sighing, already calmed down a little bit. There still was a tired, annoyed undertone in her voice that made her feel guilty immediately.

Krystal bit down on her lip. A sigh escaped from and she rubbed with her index finger and thumb in her eyes.

“So, I was the only one who didn’t know?” she asked, her voice a bit hoarse. “Since when does she-”

“Krystal, listen. I know you want to know everything but please, I’m not the person who should tell you. Amber should. And do you think she had kept it hidden for so long if she wants to risk your friendship? Even now that you know already, she prefers to not speak of it in case her heart gets broken more.

I can’t tell you more than this. Amber has to tell you for herself but please, don’t push her. She’s having such a difficult time already.”

Sunyoung yawned.

“I’m going back to bed. Amber is here too, I’m taking care of her after… last night. Just... make the right choice, Soojung, please.”

And with that she hung up the phone. Krystal stared in the distance, with her iPhone still on her ear. Slowly she let her hand fall. The phone almost slipped through her fingers. It was hard to think. Luna’s words were like ghosts haunting her thoughts, repeatedly scaring her over and over again. I just felt it. Then how come she had not felt it?

Krystal went through her memories, but in not one she had noticed something unusual about her friend. The only thing that had surprised her was how clingy she had been at the airport two days ago. But even then, her body had just accepted it and gone with the flow. She had adjusted herself and hugged her back. In fact, she hadn’t wanted Amber to leave as well…

 

The whole situation confused her now even more. Even though she now knew that Amber’s feelings were true, she still had to deal with whatever to do next. Amber would be waiting for a reaction on her side. Krystal had the option of ignoring whatever had happened and ban it from her mind, hoping that if she didn’t think of it anymore, it would simply disappear. But she knew herself and she would never be able to just un-know something, especially if it was something so important.

Part of her wondered if she had done something wrong. Had she given Amber mixed signals? They had always been very playful with each other and during the early days in their career, they did a lot of skin ship as fan service. But she had also acted that way with Sunyoung, Qian and Jinri. Amber had been no exception. Even though, Amber grew out to be her best friend.

It hadn’t been her intention to make her fall in love with her, though. She would never wish for Amber to deal with these feelings. It’s was cruel joke of the universe to fall in love with your best friend whom could not love you back.

 

Krystal woke up from her thoughts by angry banging on the trailer door.

“Soojung, the sun is setting. We would like to finish the shoot before the light is gone.”

“I-I am coming,” she said, a little louder. Her voice was raspy and it hurt to talk. Luckily, she would just have to pose. Singing would be too much right now.

With a weird feeling in her stomach, she left the trailer. The set director was waiting outside. As soon as she got out, a stiff smile grew on his face. She immediately sensed that he didn’t like it one bit that his star was acting so strange all out of a sudden. He had worked more often with her and their cooperation had always been flawless. Only not today.

“Are you okay? You sure you can finish the shoot?” he asked her in a voice that was almost sincere. Krystal stared at him for a moment. Too long, she knew.

“Not really. But let’s finish it.”

She walked past the director back towards the set. To calm herself down, she took deep breaths. But she shook and it only upset her more.

 

It took them half an hour to shoot the last set of pictures. She would wear a long, red dress, with a low-cut V-neck. She would pose in front of the Eiffel Tower, at the Champs de Mars. Now that the sun was setting, it cast an orange-yellow glow on her skin, causing it to look like it was made of copper. With a wind blower pointed at her, her hair was waving behind her. Before they started, the stage director said to her:

“Just think of someone you love, someone you want. You need them to survive, but they’re turning away. Look at the camera like you would look at them. Make me feel like you want me with every fiber of your body. Get me hooked in your eyes, Krystal. I know you can do it.”

Her heart had skipped a beat, for a moment she could not breathe. And even thought she didn’t want to, her mind went out to Amber.

She pictured Amber standing in front of her, the first time after the confession that they'd meet. Her ever so cheerful eyes had turned sad and pain had gathered in the deep, brown orbs. Her shoulders were slumped down and suddenly she looked like nothing more than a sensitive child. With her jaw tensed, she looked away, to her shoes, of embarrassment. But she would call out to her, let her friend's name leave like it was the most important thing she had ever said. Amber was forced to look up. Their eyes met and Krystal looked at her like she had never looked at her before: with every part of her body wanting to pull her close and...

“You were A-MA-ZING!” the stage director sang praising, as soon as the last picture was shot. Krystal was roughly pulled out of her concentration and she had to blink a few times to land back on earth. Amber disappeared and suddenly it was just a camera again. He ran up to her with the camera in his hand, showing her every picture of the last half an hour they shot.

A bit distressed, Krystal looked at herself on the camera. The look in her eyes unsettled her. She understood why the stage manager was so incredibly enthusiast about the pictures but at the same time her own face scared her to death. Krystal looked like she wanted to seduce her lover, like she wanted nothing but to let the other wrap their arms around her body and kiss her passionately. She had thought of Amber whilst posing…

“They-they are great,” she managed to say, with a weak smile. The manager didn’t even notice her half-assed reply, he was too happy that his shoot had turned out so well despite Krystal’s difficult cooperation at the start.

“I’m going to use all of these in the magazine. Really, I had my doubts at first if you could pull it off, but you keep surprising me, Krystal. I’m sure to never work with another artist again.”

He ran off towards his team like a high school girl in love, talking hastily and full of admire to the others.

Krystal was congratulated on her way back to the make-up trailer. It was hard to smile and nod towards them in a sincere way whilst on the inside she was almost having a heart-attack. The fact that she had thought of Amber made her doubt herself more than ever.

She entered the make-up trailer and sat down on the chair in front of the large mirror. Her eyes looked large and frightened and without the setting sun coloring her face, she looked very pale.

With a sigh she shook her head, trying to get rid of all the confusing thoughts entering her mind, as if she could just shake them off. It didn’t help one bit and they kept haunting her. She knew damn well that friends didn’t think of each other that way and there was no way she could talk herself out of it, even if it was just for a shoot. And the worst thing was that she had completely lost herself in her fantasy.

This whole situation was messing with her head.

 

Now that the shoot in Paris was over, she moved onto the following place. New York was next. California came after and last but not least: London.

It would take about one and a half week before she’d be back in Korea again. She had one and a half week to think of what to say to Amber when she’d meet her again. She also had one and a half week to figure out what had happened on the shoot in Paris and why she couldn’t set that out of her mind.

One and a half weeks seemed so far away but in the meantime, the clock was ticking and Krystal was running slowly out of time.

 

The photographer who was going to shoot her in New York was an acquaintance of the one who shot her in Paris. Even though there was only a two-day difference between the shoots, the stage manager still managed to praise her for her amazing pictures in Paris. Krystal awkwardly took the compliment, being reminded once again of her problems.

The New York shoot was more her style. She got to wear the long black coat she would represent and a white blouse with light blue skinny jeans. Unlike in Paris, this photographer wanted Krystal to be devoured by the crowd that was always moving through Times Square. As well as the clothing brand, he wanted to represent the lonely feeling of living in a big city.

“And if we give you the sign, you need to look over your shoulder, like someone you love called you over. You miss them, you’re hopeful that it’s them. But eventually you realize that it’s no one, that you imagined it. Your face falls and you turn back, to follow your way.”

And Krystal did what was asked of her. But Amber’s voice was ringing in her ears and she hated every bit of it.

The photos turned out good and the stage manager was very content. Krystal was not: she hated the hopeful glance in her eyes.

 

That evening she decided to seek contact with Amber. She couldn’t wait another week and she guessed Amber must dreading the moment they’d meet again too. Better to clear it up quickly, right?

Right before she went to bed, she took her phone and speed-dialed Amber’s number with a shaky hand. She placed the phone to her ear and tried to ignore the nauseous feeling in her stomach. She waited for the phone to go over but to her surprise, she was immediately directed to her voice mail.

She remembered the time Amber recorded her it: it was back stage during their first performance for Red Light. She had tried to do it seriously, but Sunyoung had poked her in her side, causing her to burst out in giggles. The voicemail mostly contained Amber and Sunyoung’s laughter, with Qian who yelled “Yah!” in the background. Krystal had laughed at her members back then, but now their voices sounded like agony in her ears.

Krystal frowned when the voicemail eventually shut off and the robotic voice told her that the user of the phone was currently not available.

Currently not available, my , Krystal thought bitterly. Amber always kept on her phone, even at night. That was mostly because of her relatives who still lived in the United States, and they usually called late at night. And otherwise it was just for work. She never turned her phone off, not even during a hiatus.

So, that means she must have seen who was calling and cancelled the call.

 

Krystal immediately sent her a message, asking her to pick up her phone. She waited a couple of minutes after that – brushing her teeth and combing her hair in the meantime – and checked later. The moment she opened her phone again, she saw that Amber had seen her message, but hadn’t replied.

Krystal bit down on her lip and sent more messages. At first just a few question marks, like she always did whenever Amber’s wasn’t responding to her question. A few moments later, Amber read them all but there was no reply.

At that point, Krystal started to get nervous. Destructive thoughts started to enter her mind like poison. What if she didn’t want to talk to her anymore? She understood that it was incredibly awkward for her to talk to her now, but by completely ignoring her made Krystal nervous as hell. If there was something she wouldn’t let happen was that one of them would ruin their friendship. Even if Amber was in love with her, she would never want to lose her best friend like that. She was personally going to make sure that that wouldn’t happen.

But even though Krystal almost pleaded to talk to her, Amber never replied.

 

She left to the shoot in California. It reminded her of her home town, San Francisco, even though they were shooting in Sacramento. It was more bearable because the photographer made her pose with some local male. It was easier to not think of Amber whilst touching another man’s chest.

England was drizzly and the shoot therefor happened indoors. She had to pose in an indoor garden. And even though the stage manager didn’t tell her to think of Amber, her mind still wandered towards her best friend in that lonely setting.

 

Finally, the two weeks of shooting were over and she was able to go home. She was excited to go back to Korea again so she could see her sister and her friends again. At the same time, she was terrified to meet Amber. She was scared to death that something bad would happen.

On the plane home, she still hadn’t made up her mind about what she was going to say to her best friend yet. Over the past week, she had made up different fantasies, one worse than the other. There was one in which she got angry and Amber started crying. There was one in which she couldn’t speak and Amber would shut herself off, causing their friendship to fade away. There was one in which Amber would pin her to the wall and kiss her… And that was the worst of all. Because in that fantasy she had kissed her back.

 

Being on a 12-hour plane flight alone did a lot of things to a person being and Krystal had so much time to think that she thought she might explode. Eventually, after staring for three hours straight out of the window, she took her earbuds, plugged them in and started a movie. As she scrolled through the list the plane company offered, she sighed. They were all romantic dramas and otherwise action movies. With nothing to watch that reminded her of Amber, she put on an animal documentary and spent the rest of the flight watching how lionesses caught antelopes and how some crazy man dived with great whites without a cage.

 

Her plane arrived a few minutes later than planned but since Krystal’s schedule was empty for the next three days, she didn’t even care. She didn’t expect anyone but her manager to be there when she arrived at the airport, but she noticed how disappointed she actually was when there really was no one there but her manager. Had she wanted Amber to be there? She erased that thought from her mind immediately.

“I heard you did an amazing job, all four of the photographers were absolutely thrilled,” her manager said happily as soon as they had managed to get back to the car. Krystal sat next to him in the front seat and nodded quietly.

“I’m glad to hear they’re content,” she muttered. Her manager raised his eyebrows questioningly at her weak response, but didn’t say anything.

“Shall I bring you home? Or would you prefer getting some food first?” he asked her eventually.

“Could you please bring me ho-… No, wait. Amber’s place, please.”

“Amber? I heard she was ill,” her manager muttered softly. Nevertheless, he turned the car around to head over to Amber’s place. They had driven right past it a couple of minutes ago so it wouldn’t take long before they were there.

“That’s why I’m going by,” Krystal lied. Amber wasn’t sick and neither was Krystal going by to wish her well.

“Shall I wait for you outside then?”

“I’ll take a cab, don’t worry.”

Her manager frowned.

“Are you su-?”

“Yes, please bring me to Amber’s place,” she answered curtly.

Her manager nodded and speeded up a little. Krystal let her head rest against the window and looked outside, trying to hide the little sigh that escaped from . Now that she really had made the decision to go by, she suddenly felt very weird – a mix of nerves and anxiety.

 

A quarter later, her manager parked in front of Amber’s apartment complex. He gave her his get well wishes but Krystal barely let him talk before she closed the door and headed out towards the entrance of the building. She kept her head low, in case anyone would recognize her, but the street was empty and strangely quiet.

The old man who guarded the lobby was reading the paper and didn’t even notice she came in. Krystal immediately walked towards the elevators and pushed one of the buttons. Almost immediately the elevator doors opened for her and she stepped in, pressing on the button of Amber’s level.

It took less than two minutes before she stood in front of Amber’s door. was dry and when she lifted her hand to ring the bell, she noticed how it badly shook. Her whole body was tensed up and her thoughts and fantasies of the last week rushed through her mind quickly, making her once more aware that there were more than a billion situations in which their friendship could be ruined forever. Even when she tried to shake them off, it was hard not to think what Amber’s face was going to look like when she opened the door and saw it was Krystal who had ringed the bell.

Come on, Soojung, this isn’t a god damn drama. Focus! She’s your friend, you can work this out, she strictly said to herself. In a sudden burst of courage, she rang the bell, immediately pulling back her hand when she heard how hard the ringing sounded. When the sound disappeared, silence took over the hall. Krystal didn’t even dare to breathe.

Eventually, after a few seconds, she heard some stumbling behind the door. Her heart skipped a beat. She felt like she could throw up any moment of the nerves. It confused her even more that she didn’t know why she exactly was nervous. It wasn’t like she was in love with Amber, right?

The door opened and Krystal looked up. For a moment, the two girls just stared at each other. Then, Amber’s jaw clenched and she looked down.

“Come in, you must be tired after your flight,” she muttered softly. And even though she didn’t act any differently than usual, there was a simple hint of enthusiasm missing in her voice that usually comforted her. It was something Krystal had always admired about Amber; that she was optimistic in almost every situation, even when things turned out bad. That made her wonder if that optimism wasn’t just her love for Krystal speaking. Or perhaps she just felt how much this was going to and that there was nothing to be enthusiastic for.

Krystal stepped into the apartment. A wave of warmth washed over her and she quickly took off her coat. Even though it was hot as hell here, Amber still wore a hoodie – although with shorts. Her hair was messy and she probably hadn’t left her apartment all day.

“Do you want something to drink?” she asked. Before Krystal had answered, Amber already walked towards the kitchen. As Krystal took off her shoes, she called: “Water, please.”

She heard Amber opening the cupboard and the tab running for a split second. When Krystal came to join her, she placed the glass harshly upon the kitchen dresser. The other girl quietly took it from her and brought it to her lips, taking a polite sip. In the meantime, she watched Amber from the corners of her eyes. Her friend was leaning onto the dresser casually. Or, at least, it looked casual. Her fingers gripped the kitchen dresser hard, so hard that her knuckles turned white.

Krystal put the glass down. An awkward silence settled between them.

“You spoke with Sunyoung,” Amber eventually forced out of . It sounded like she was choking.

Krystal swallowed audibly.

“You didn’t pick up. Why didn’t you want to talk to me...?” she muttered in response. Amber huffed and shook her head.

“Would you want to if you drunkenly blurted out that you were in love with me?” the short haired girl asked bitterly. She turned her head away from Krystal and let out a shaky sigh. “Let’s just get it over with. Tell me what you wanted to tell me.”

With her head turned like that, she accentuated her jaw line and for a moment, Krystal’s eyes were caught at the attractiveness. Then she yanked her gaze away and tried to find Amber’s eyes, but they were pointed to the ground.

“I would want to talk to you. I would want to explain,” she said softly. Amber lifted her head and looked at her with such pain in her eyes that it made Krystal do a step backwards in surprise.

“Oh really? Would you?” Amber asked her through gritted teeth. “Would you want to confess to your best friend whom you’ve known for 8 years? Whom you’ve laughed and cried with? Whom you’ve been having a crush on since our Red Light promotion? Would you want to risk our friendship like that? I had kept it hidden for so long and I thought that if I’d just ignore it, it’d go away. And now I’m in this situation. Don’t you understand how uncomfortable this is making me?”

Krystal’s gaze softened and she placed her hand upon Amber’s, but her friend quickly took her hand back. In shock, Krystal took hers back too. Amber had never rejected her caring gestures.

“Don’t… please… please, don’t make this any harder than it already is. I’m trying so, so hard and I’m just done with fighting. I want it to end, Krystal. I just want to look at you and see my cute minor, my friend, instead of the girl I love. I want it to stop because it hurts so much…”

Krystal bit down on her lower lip. There was a tear slowly rolling over Amber’s cheek. When it came to her chin, it dripped on the dresser, which she was still clutching like it was the last thing that kept her alive. And perhaps, right now, it was.

She didn’t know what happened in her body at that time, but she bowed in for a hug, just feeling that she needed to reassure her friend. Krystal turned Amber around – who was too fragile, shaking too badly and had too little power left in her limbs to even complain and pull away – to hug her but as she closed in, she suddenly changed her mind unconsciously. Without even thinking, she let her body lead her. And her body led her towards Amber, until their lips touched each other’s softly. She felt Amber stiffen underneath her but that didn’t stop the jolt of electricity to run from place where their lips had met throughout her whole body. It made her heart stop and her eyes flutter shut.

 

The moment Krystal noticed what she had done, she slowly pulled back. Her eyes opened and when she did, she expected to look in Amber’s hopeful eyes. But the other girl still had her eyes closed. Her cheeks were wet from the tears and she pressed her lips hard upon each other, so they formed a thin line on her face.

Krystal’s hand found her neck and pulled her closer again. Their lips met once more and this time Krystal didn’t want it to be a fluttery, quick kiss. She knew what she was doing this time. She had thought of this last week, every day, every hour, every minute, every second, always with a guilty feeling in her belly. But now that feeling had completely vanished. How could something like this ever feel wrong?

Krystal deepened the kiss and pushed Amber’s lips open with hers. And slowly but surely, the other girl seemed to wake up from her trance. She felt two shaky hands rest loosely on her hips, ready to be pulled back at any second. Amber kissed her back, albeit still shyly, but it was enough.

 

Amber pulled back rather quickly though, pushing her softly away as if she had been caught sinning. They stayed close though, mainly because Krystal had caught Amber’s body between hers and the kitchen dresser and she didn’t intend to move.

“P-please…” her friend whispered in a broken voice. “Don’t hold me like that, I can’t handle it.”

“Didn’t you get the hint?” she replied, with half a smile appearing on her face. Amber looked up and finally she saw that spark of hope in her eyes, mixed with confusion.

“But you-.. Since when-.. Why-” Amber stuttered, looking at her with big eyes. Then suddenly the hope fell out of her eyes again and she almost stared at Krystal in horror.

“It’s not funny to joke around with my feelings like this, Krystal,” she muttered, as she distanced herself. Amber wrapped her arms around her belly, trying to hide the hurting feeling that spread from her abandon. Krystal frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t say you like me too because you pity me. Don’t kiss me like that if you don’t like me.”

This time Krystal stared at her in disbelief. It all started to make sense a few seconds later, which made her sigh dramatically.

“You stupid,” she said, as she rolled her eyes. “For Christ’s sake-”

Roughly, her hand grabbed the collar of Amber’s sweater and pull her closer so hard that their lips collided together harshly. She felt the other girl gasp for air, as if she only just felt Krystal kissing her now. Those shaky hands returned to her hips albeit much more forceful now. She let Amber reverse the roles and press her against the kitchen dresser softly. Amber’s scent made her dizzy – a sweet scent that made her belly tingle with excitement and reminded her of summer – as she wrapped her arms around her neck, letting one hand curl in her short hair.

And finally, it felt like they were truly becoming one, with their hearts melting together as much as their lips were now.

 

When they let each other go, they both stared at the other in shock. Krystal was panting but she didn’t even try one bit to get her fast breathing under control.

Don’t kiss me like that if you don’t like me. Couldn’t she have given a more clearer hint than this?

Yet, Amber didn’t seem to believe her, because all she did was stare at her with big, round deer eyes that expressed her worry about what had just happened. Krystal felt like she needed to take the lead here.

“To answer your former questions,” she started. “I don’t know since when it started for me, but I speculate I have always felt this way towards you. I simply never knew, not until you told me that you liked me and all I could do was think of you. Perhaps I had banned the thoughts and feelings out of my body, or locked them up somewhere safe, and I had forgotten about them, until last week. And why? Well, why do people fall in love in the first place. I don’t know. I do know that this-” she signaled from her body to Amber’s and back, indicating the kiss that they had shared, “-did not feel wrong. A-and.. love can’t be bad, right? Even love between two women…”

Krystal swallowed to try and wet her dry throat, but it didn’t work. She looked up to Amber, who seemed to wake up a little bit. Then suddenly, she burst out in laughter. Krystal frowned.

“Oh God,” Amber muttered, as she ran her hands roughly through her hair. “How are we going to explain this to Victoria?”

Then Krystal started to laugh too.

“Is that all you can think about now? That we’re going to get scolded?” she exclaimed loudly. Amber grinned.

“Well, you gotta admit, Jie-Jie is very scary when she’s angry.”

Krystal laughed. And they both kept laughing. Just laughing, so they could laugh all the nerves out of their bodies.

 

The rest of the afternoon they cuddled up together on Amber’s couch. Jack Jack had settled between them, trying to get a bit of attention now that Krystal was the one who got all the kisses and cuddles.

And as they watched their favorite movie, the world finally felt as if everything was alright. There were no missing puzzle pieces anymore.