Eyes flutter awake and she groans before closing her lids back, refusing the sunlight. The apartment is silent. Hayul must be gone to work, Haneul realizes. A good thing; she hates owing her sister anything. She is about to drift back into sleep when a familiar sound catches her attention. Haneul carefully reaches for her phone on her nightstand. Unlocking the device almost mechanically, the girl reads the considerate message her sister sent her and sighs. Who knew weddings needed so much planning? She hates weddings.

Chapter One

Haneul pushes the blankets off her body, immediately feeling chilly. It is the end of spring, almost summer and Daegu is anything but cold today, but she still feel the withdrawal of her warm bed. She takes a moment to breathe in, moving her body to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. Her foot, the girl notices, is shaking slightly. She places both feet on the ground, hoping her legs will be enough to support her today. They seem stable. But now that Haneul’s hand aren’t touching the bed anymore, they are the one starting to shake. Frustrated, she grips the fabric of her pajama bottoms and start to walk toward her closet. Left foot first, Haneul slowly makes her way across her room, resisting the urge to put her hands in front of her, to catch her in case she falls. If she falls, she’ll hit her head on the hardwood floor and maybe that will be the best thing to happen to her sister. Haneul’s shaking hands grab a sweater and a pair of jeans. The sweater is way too big and her petite figure is lost underneath the baggy clothing of which the hem is almost reaching her knees. The jeans aren’t much better, relics of the past version of Haneul who was a bit more than just skin and bones the way she currently is. It has been a long time since she has stopped caring what she wears as long as it’s warm and makes her stand out. She looks down at the tie-dye pattern, like a firework exploded on her, with a smile. Mission accomplished.

Haneul’s eyes are drawn by a golden yellow dress, still inside a transparent protective hanging garment bag. This was Hayul’s gift to her when her sister announced her wedding. Foolish Hayul chose to shop a dress for Haneul rather than find herself a wedding dress. This is why four weeks before the wedding, preparations aren’t over. The dress is beautiful and yet Haneul hates it. Why want to be beautiful when she will be stuck to a wheelchair anyway. Not that anything about her is currently beautiful.

With pain, Haneul walks from her closet to her desk. She sits down, sighing with contentment as her breath no longer falls short. Haneul hates that the extraordinary things she could do are now out of her reach, but she loathes how everyday actions became so difficult that she would need someone else’s help. Haneul inhales, noticing how even breathing is becoming more challenging every month. Her own helplessness is pathetic.

Her right hand takes a notebook that was sitting under a pile of paper, her meek way of disguising that which holds importance, and her left reaches for a pen. Haneul’s favorite part of the day is this almost ritualistic way of cataloguing her agony, a long whiny note full of animosity and despair. She opens the journal where she last left it and creates a new entry. At least she would if only her hand cooperated. “Stop shaking!” she silently screams in her mind, berating her uncontrollable body. As if one cue, her hand calms down and she is able to write down her thoughts. Self-hatred works, no matter what others say about it.

The rest of the day goes by quite like every other before it. Haneul reads books, glances at the one book her father gave her before dying about the illness the both shared, wishes she had the strenght to read it, decides she doesn’t care and wait for Hayul to come back so she can help her shower before Haneul crawls back to bed to surf the web on her laptop. At 3 am. Haneul notices the time and finally falls asleep. Just like that, days seem to slide into a lulling quietness that Haneul doesn’t dare defy. Hayul, on the other hand, observes her sister fall more and more out of sync with the rest of the world and despite the best intentions, isn’t sure she can help.

It is 9pm on a Wednesday night when he opens the door. Haneul is in the living room, making acid comments about how Hayul's wedding dress doesn't stand out enough. Two pairs of eyes look up to the familiar silhouette that is now standing in their entryway.

"Hi," Yixing says awkwardly.

Hayul's mouth opens as if she was going to say something and then closes. She looks at her sister but Haneul's face is toward the ground, her hair forming a thin curtain obstructing her expression. Maybe she's crying, Hayul thinks. And with a quick greeting and invitation to sit, she is out the room in a minute, leaving the floor to her younger sister and her friend.

Yixing sits in front of Haneul.

"I'm back," he states simply. In front of her silence, he continues. "Hayul sent me a wedding invitation. I thought it would be a good reason to come back and see you."

"Get out!" She utters like she's spitting venom, lifting her head and showing him just how angry she is. Her whole body is shaking and this time, it isn't due to her disease only.

She gets up from the couch she is sitting on and walks toward her room, not bothering to look at him anymore. He isn't there. It's only her mind playing tricks on her. If she doesn't look, he'll be gone. But what if she does look and he isn't there anymore?

His voice interrupts her thoughts. "I missed you," he says soothingly.

She picks up the pace and her strides become longer and more assured. She ignore the pain. All sources of pain. She arrives to her room and she still hears his steps following her.

"Why are you really here?" She questions him. "Are you sure it's not only to see how badly I got since you left? I can assure you I'm alright, so you can leave already."

"You are dying..." he states with sadness.

Haneul growls but lifts her chin without saying a word, defying him with her eyes.

"... but you aren't dead yet!" Yixing expression shift into a strange smile and Haneul recognize it. Pity. She lets a dry laugh escape her lips, laced with contempt and her head to the side. "So?"

"So, I thought it would be nice to see you while we both are still healthy. You don't need me, but I need you."

Haneul doesn't pick up on the subtle hint he dropped and instead just looks around to make sure her room is in a good enough state. Her journal is hidden back into it's pile and nothing compromising is in plain view.

"What are you planning to do?" She asks.

"I thought we could attend your sister's wedding together."

Haneul raises a brow. "I'm not going."

Yixing is surprised. "It's your sister. You have to go."

"I don't have to do anything!"

Haneul's expression is cold and she reminds Yixing of a guard dog on the defensive. He takes a deep breath before answering her, preparing mentally for what he has to say.

"The least you could do is go, I've seen how you treat Hayul."

Yixing's words are harsh and it's Haneul's turn to be surprised. Usually, everyone around her is so soft and understanding and meek... It's been so long since someone has spoken to her that strongly. She opens but remains speechless.

"Is the reason you won't go because for once you won't be the center of the attention? Is your ego so big you can't even allow her that small favor? Why do you hate her to the point you can't even allow her to be a bit happy?"

"Y-You don't un-understand," Haneul's voice is shaky and she is unable to look him in the eyes, but Yixing is ruthless; his voice is leveled like he is just stating facts.

"What do I not understand? You are selfish and mean and if you don't change you'll be alone at the end."

The slap comes out of the blue, surprising even Haneul.

"Get out!"

Yixing's hand reaches up to massage his reddened cheek and jaw. "I'm not trying to just be mean. You need to wake up and realize that you are hurting those who love you."

"Get out!" She reiters and this time, he shuts up and look at her with a contrite expression.

"I'll be back," he says but he leaves the room anyway.

As soon as the door close behind him, Haneul crawls back into bed. Standing up hurts. Laying down, she brings her knees closer to her face and curled into a ball, she starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Life isn't fair. She hates life. And she hates Yixing even more.

On the other side of the door, Yixing's hand leave the door knob. His heart breaks at the pure anguish he can feel in her voice.

Hayul is in the living room when he reaches the door of the apartment.

"I know why you did that.” She tells him before handing him a pen and gesturing toward his back pocket. Yixing sighs before reaching for the piece of paper in said pocket, something else that Haneul didn’t see but that Hayul recognizes. He unfolds it slowly, and then proceeds to cross the second element on the list: Slap Yixing, this idiot.

“You are the one who sent it,” admits Yixing, to which Hayul only nods, agreeing. “Why did you want me to have it?”

Hayul’s beautiful face is marked by a sad smile. “I knew you would do something. For a while, I thought it was okay if she lived a parallel life to the rest of the world, but every day since you left she has been distancing herself. I’m scared that she will spend her last days bitter and full of regrets. I thought you could finally get her to do something. Anything.”

Hayul points at Yixing’s cheek, still red with a clear imprint of her sister’s hand. “It’s already working, see? My sister has been mostly indifferent lately, but you made her get angry. Maybe now she can finally realize that having emotions and sharing them can be beneficial and make her move forward.

“Someone who left doesn't have anything to stay about those he left behind", is what Haneul decided. Or maybe what she wished she could decide. The return of Yixing made her question everything. When he had left a long time ago, ages it seemed, he had taken a part of her with him. After that, Haneul had felt broken. She couldn't be happy, she couldn't be sad or even fully angry, everyday was only insidious frustration. When her father had died, an even longer time ago, a quick glimpse into her own future, she hadn't cried much. She had just shut herself up from the world. Yixing had brought her back to the real world back then, but then he left and she had felt abandoned all over again. And Hayul, her kind sister, had tried so hard to make her talk about her feelings. But Haneul had no other feelings except that frustration... and regrets.

Wiping the tears out of her face in a rough motion, Haneul reaches on her desk to get her journal. The long list of all her regrets is included inside. Taped on the third cover would be more accurate. She opens the notebook at the right place and gets a pen. While the first element of Haneul’s bucket list is simple enough, kiss someone for the first time - and Haneul dislikes how girly and superficial it seems - the last element is a bit more difficult to achieve, build a machine and go back in time. Amongst those elements, most of them are doable or would be for anybody else but her. So to the list of impossible things to do, Haneul adds another line. Make sure Hayul is happy, because she is worth it. She hates to admit it, but maybe something Yixing said stuck to her. She crawls back in bed after hiding her journal again and manages to drift to sleep. It's barely 10pm and she usually stays up until 3am, but for some reason she feels really tired. Something is changing...