Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 8740 Words

Disclaimer: Some references to the previous chapter(SPECIAL: A Letter To You) 

Juhyun

Juhyun did not talk about the letter and Seungwan wasn’t surprised at all. Seungwan was used to Juhyun’s way of showing affection. The older girl used actions more than words and Seungwan loved that about Juhyun.

Seungwan placed the letter on Juhyun’s bedside table before going back to her room. Everyone was tired after reflecting on the events that had happened in these past three years. As always, Seungwan spoke the most. Although the girl had the tendency to lose track of her thoughts halfway, Juhyun’s smile would always be there. Seungwan might think that her words are useless babbles, but Juhyun thought otherwise. Unlike Seungwan, Juhyun found it hard to express herself using words. She has a lot to say, and a lot of people to thank but that night, she only said a few lines.

“It has been a fulfilling year for all of us. Despite all the difficulties that we have faced, we’re doing better and better each comeback. Let’s continue working hard together.”

Juhyun wanted to say so much more, but refused to cooperate. She wanted to thank Seulgi for staying by her side throughout their trainee years. Joy, for constantly reminding her to share her concerns and Yeri, for constantly bringing out the childish side in her. Seungwan… Seungwan, for loving her despite all the obstacles.

Juhyun may not know, but the members see her efforts. They don’t need words when they can see Juhyun’s love through her actions. After all, Juhyun’s way of showing affection was very different.

~~~

Seungwan woke up to a post-it note on top of her phone.

Have I told you how beautiful you looked today?

Not just today, but you look beautiful everyday.

-Hyun

The purple post-it note accompanied by a familiar handwriting brought a smile to Seungwan’s face. She knew that Juhyun had read her letter. Picking it up, Seungwan caught a scent of lavender. It was the perfume she got Juhyun a few months ago, and the older girl had been using it ever since. Grabbing her notebook from her drawer, Seungwan placed the post-it notes alongside the many other colourful post-it notes in the notebook. They were all from Juhyun since their trainee days, and Seungwan has kept ever since one of them even if it was just a ‘Rest well’.

Even as Seungwan entered the kitchen, Juhyun merely gave a shy smile before placing the cooked pancakes on the dining table. The rest of the members slowly started to enter the kitchen with the maknae entering last as usual. There wasn’t any morning kiss or hug, but Seungwan could feel Juhyun’s love when the older girl placed a pancake in front of her topped with frozen strawberries in the shape of a heart. It was simple, just like Juhyun. When Juhyun took a seat right next to her, Seungwan leaned over to whisper a ‘thank you’, followed by a peck on the cheek.

It was their thing.

~~~

Seungwan came home feeling a little grumpy. She knew that her girlfriend had many individual schedules to attend to, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t sulk about it. Their promotions were long over, but Juhyun was still busy. Sighing, Seungwan dumped her bag onto her bed and was about to leave the room when she spotted another post-it note on the door. She failed to notice it the first time.

I know I’ve been busy…

Come over to my room tonight to sleep?

I miss your cuddles.

-Hyun

How could Seungwan say no to that?

“What are you smiling about?”

“Just…Unnie being…Unnie.”

“You still keep every single one of those post-it notes?”

“Seul…You’ll understand when you fall in love with someone.”

~~~

“Unnie?”

The room was empty, which was pretty odd. None of the members ever dared to step into their leader’s room without her permission, but Seungwan was determined to find out the reason behind her leader’s odd behaviour lately. Her determination only grew when she saw a pile of crushed and torn post-it notes discarded onto the floor. Juhyun wasn’t the type to be messy. Hoping that the post-it notes would give her a clue as to why Juhyun was avoiding her, Seungwan sat down on the floor and began opening each post-it note.

She soon realised how difficult it was when certain post-it notes only had one word or one letter. There was a message, a message that Juhyun didn’t want anyone else to comprehend. Seungwan paused for a moment, fearing that her relationship with Juhyun would worsen should the older girl walk in any moment. But the care and concern she had for her leader took precedence. She had to find the answer today.

‘I like her…’

Seungwan froze. The pronoun Juhyun used wasn’t what the younger girl had expected. Shaking her head, Seungwan pretended not to notice how her heart rate was increasing, as though she was excited over the fact that Juhyun could be gay.

‘She’s…perfect.’

‘Beautiful.’

‘Gorgeous.’

‘Talented.’

‘Supportive.’

‘Caring’

‘I want to know…’

‘To feel…’

‘To kiss…’

‘To touch…’

“What are you doing?”

~~~

Juhyun found it hard to speak up. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to. Perhaps it was some sort of psychological barrier in her head. Was she afraid of how people would react? Maybe. After all, it is in our nature to judge, even if we don’t want to. At a young age, Juhyun knew that she had troubles speaking in front of others. She had a lot of thoughts in her head, but they just don’t seem to come out the way she wanted them to. She would stutter and stammer. She would notice how her classmates would continue staring. She would like to think they were trying to show support, but her mind says otherwise. She would feel her heartbeat in her ears. She knew her palms were sweaty, and her legs were about to give way, but she had to finish this.

It was a huge shock to everyone when Juhyun chose to be an idol. She was the exact opposite of what an idol needed to be. Juhyun knew that there were challenges. Putting herself out there was like putting a human in an open sea filled with hungry sharks. She would have to face the criticism and the judgements the public would have of her. She trained for five years for this. She would try her best because that alone should be enough.

But it wasn’t.

No one was interested in someone who couldn’t sustain a conversation. She was supposed to lead the team and be the brave one. She was the oldest. Shouldn’t Joy feel more nervous? Yet it was her that spoke only a few sentences. There was a script with all the questions that the host would ask, but for some reason, Juhyun just couldn’t do it. She would like to blame it on her shy, introverted nature. The public wouldn’t care. She was an idol. She had to break out of this shell if she wanted to survive in this industry.

Juhyun wouldn’t say there wasn’t any progress. It took her a year to make that small progress but any progress was good, wasn’t it? Wrong. The public didn’t care. The company didn’t care. They wanted more. She needed to get out of this position fast. She needed to become the person that others expected her to be. The industry has no space for a shy idol.

Pressure. Was it the pressure that caused Juhyun to start writing down her thoughts and reflections? It had become a habit of hers. Everywhere she went, she would bring along her writing materials. At times, she would write in her notebook, but for the most part, she would use post-it notes, along with the purple pen that Seungwan gave her. Writing down long essays weren’t her thing. She had to write them down in small chunks to clear her head. It started off with her feelings about herself, and about her current life. Unknowingly, Juhyun started using post-it notes to communicate with her members more frequently. Each and every post-it note that she gave her members had to be perfect, just like how she was expected to be in the eyes of the public. Smudges, cancellations and faint pencil markings were not allowed. If any of the post-it note fell short of her standards, she would crush them and write a new one. They had to be perfect.

Of course, it wasn’t her only form of communication with them. She would text them mostly because phone calls weren’t her thing. There was something about phone calls that scared her immensely. The only exception was Seungwan. Seungwan’s voice was enough to send away Juhyun’s fear, but that was an entirely different matter. Post-it notes became Juhyun’s coping mechanism. It was a good, yet bad thing.

She grew dependent on them. Instead of being more outspoken, she retreated back into her shell and relied on writing to express her thoughts. Seungwan told her it was fine because everyone was different. But the public doesn’t like different. The real world wasn’t going to make way for an introvert like her. She had to overcome her fears some way or another.

The members have been helping. Juhyun was glad that they allowed her to continue using post-it notes but it came with a small price. Juhyun had to participate in every single one of their 5-minute talks. For the most part, Juhyun kept silent since they started this tradition of theirs. She knew that it would be a stepping stone for her to be more comfortable. It started with a sentence and then two. Bit by bit, Juhyun began speaking up more. She was happier. The company was happier. The public started liking her more.

But there was still one big issue. She wasn’t sharing her worries with her members. Sharing sessions gave her the opportunity to bond with her members even more, but she was still adamant about holding the group together by herself. Part of it was because of her personality. The other?

She was in love with a fellow member.

~~~

“You weren’t supposed to see those.”

“I-I was trying to help you tidy up and I realised that you have been distancing yourself from me lately. I wanted to find out the reason why since it’s hard for Unnie to talk to us. We understand that.”

“You could have asked.”

“Would you have told me?”

“Yes.”

No. Juhyun knew that. Seungwan knew that. Juhyun was hoping that Seungwan wouldn’t push it, but as expected, the younger girl refused to budge.

“Who is the girl?”

In any other case, Juhyun would probably push Seungwan out and pretended that this never happened, but she was tired. So tired of hiding her feelings. So tired of being someone she wasn’t. So tired of trying but not receiving the results she wanted. She was too tired of everything.

Without saying another word, Juhyun kneeled down beside Seungwan and started piecing back the pieces together. Even though the pieces were all over the place, Juhyun could piece it back together easily. It was her writing after all. Those were her feelings, both positive and negative.

When she was done, Juhyun stood back up, creating a distance between herself and Seungwan. She doesn’t know how Seungwan would feel about the current words that were right in front of them. Juhyun felt as though she was being forced to speak up in front of everyone again. It felt as though she was back in her classroom. The sweaty palms, the erratic heartbeat, the wobbly knees. Everything was coming back.

“I know it’s wrong, but I know…I can feel it.

I’m in love with Seungwan.”

Confusion. Seungwan walked out of the room, only to walk back in with a notebook and a few other materials on hand. For once, Juhyun didn’t like the silence. If Seungwan was going to reject her, she would want the younger girl to get it over and done with. How much more can Seungwan break her already scarred heart anyways?

What she didn’t expect was to see Seungwan pasting every single piece neatly onto the notebook. Seungwan picked every piece up carefully, as though she was holding a piece of glass on hand. Those torn and crushed post-it notes weren’t glass, but they were invaluable. They were precious. They represented Juhyun’s feelings and worries. They were things that Juhyun struggled to say.

It hurt, why wouldn’t it not? Seungwan was reading every single compliment Juhyun was giving her, but she was also reading every single criticism Juhyun had of herself. Juhyun was belittling herself in so many of these post-it notes. Seungwan was wrong to have assumed that Juhyun was okay on her own. The older girl needed her, as much as she needed the older girl.

By the time she was done, Juhyun was still staring at her almost emotionless, but Seungwan learned that it was just a mask. After reading every single one of Juhyun’s post-it notes, Seungwan knew Juhyun was probably a mess on the inside. She was right. The moment her hands cupped Juhyun’s face tenderly, the tears just spilled out.

They weren’t just tears of sadness. They were tears of relief as well. Right below Juhyun’s last post-it note was one of Seungwan’s.

“It’s not wrong, because I feel it too.”

~~~

“Basically, you’ll start promotions on this week.”

“Isn’t that the week that…”

“Right! We forgot to mention that there will be overlaps in the promotions this time.”

Everytime.

“Is there a problem?”

Yes.

“No.”

Unfair. Disappointment. Anger. Sadness.

“What about the concert?”

“You’ll only prepare it after the promotions.”

“So that leaves us with 2 weeks of promotions?”

“Yes.”

Juhyun was good at masking her emotions from the company. She was trained to do so ever since she came in. The treatment between boy groups and girl groups were different. She knew that, but she was hoping that things would change.

Red Velvet has been doing extremely well especially on the digital charts. Juhyun knew that they could have done even better if their company had bothered promoting them better, but she couldn’t voice out her displeasure. The rest of the members were unhappy as well, but now Juhyun has to deliver yet another disappointing news. She should have known when they asked her to come alone for the meeting. They wanted her to carry on the weight of delivering the news.

Juhyun wished she could have said something, perhaps negotiate a little, but she wasn’t the best person to do so. The last time she asked for a different concept, they gave her ‘Rookie’. Evidently, the company does not want to hear anything from the girls. Yeri was the best at negotiating in the group, and part of it was because she was the youngest. Even so, there was only so much she could do.

Juhyun has seen the adverse effects of disagreeing with SM. There have been plenty of cases from TVXQ, to f(x), to Super Junior, to EXO and even Girls’ Generation. As a leader, Juhyun knew that she should be protecting the group and be the spokesperson, but she couldn’t. There was so much at stake. Any wrong move could potentially be deadly to the group’s future.

It’s wrong. It’s hard. It’s disappointing.

~~~

Juhyun couldn’t look up. She could understand her members’ feelings, but she wanted them to see it in her perspective as well. This was why Juhyun didn’t want to take up the role of being the leader. It was hard, too hard for her.

“Why didn’t you say something? Anything at all! 1 additional week of promotions is better than nothing! Unnie, you cannot stay quiet all your life. There’s a reason why SM always trample over us. They think they can treat us unfairly because they know you’re not going to say anything!”

“Yeri is young, a little immature. She didn’t mean those words. You know how she is…”

“But she’s right. I’m always quiet. That’s why SM chose me to be the leader. Not because I was different, but because I wouldn’t fight back against them.”

“Hyun, you know that’s not true.”

“Is it?”

“You’ll always be the best leader to us.”

~~~

Yerim knows that her Unnies are aware of her current mood. She was excited to check out how their new song was doing, only to end up being upset and insecure because of the criticisms left by the listeners. She tried hiding it, but she was arguably the member who was the easiest to read. She wanted to share her concerns with her members, but she also knew that that would put burden on them, especially on Juhyun Unnie. Juhyun Unnie had enough to worry about. Besides, although Juhyun Unnie was fun to play with, when it comes to her worries, Yerim found it hard to share them with the older girl. It was probably the . She muttered some lame excuse before heading back into the room she shared with Sooyoung. As soon as she heard Saeron’s voice, the tears just fell.

“Sooyoung ah, sleep with Seulgi today? Seungwan can sleep with me. I think…Yerim needs some time alone.”

“Unnie, I have faith in our fans. We’ll do fine. Don’t worry okay?”

“I’ll be fine. Go get some sleep. We have to wake up early tomorrow.”

Seungwan knew her girlfriend well. Sooyoung and Seulgi had already left the dining table, but Juhyun was still fiddling with the food on her plate. The quietness was something that Seungwan appreciated, but she knew that a million thoughts were running through her girlfriend’s mind. The frown on Juhyun’s forehead was a clear sign of that. Seungwan made her way towards Juhyun, opting to stand behind her girlfriend. Much to her girlfriend’s surprise, Seungwan’s hands found their way around Juhyun’s neck.

“You’re overthinking again.”

“I’m not.”

You are.

“You can’t lie to me.”

Seungwan planted a kiss on the crown of Juhyun’s head, successfully breaking the walls surrounding the older girl’s heart.

“I-I just…I can’t even make Yerim feel better. What kind of a leader am I?”

“You know Yerim…She needs time.”

“But…”

“Unnie, there’s really nothing you can do now. Let’s sleep on it. Tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll wash the dishes. You can go prepare for bed first.”

Combing a hand through her hair, Juhyun took one last look at the door leading to Yerim’s room before walking into her own room. She could hear the muffled cries, and it broke her heart immensely. Yerim was young, too young to handle all the criticisms online. Picking up a purple pen, Juhyun started writing.

Seungwan was done washing the dishes and was about to walk into her girlfriend’s room when she saw a dark figure pasting something onto Yerim’s door. Even though she couldn’t see who it was, Seungwan knew that the figure belonged to Juhyun. Smiling at Juhyun’s thoughtfulness, Seungwan waited until Juhyun was back in her room before walking over to Yerim’s door. Using her phone’s torchlight, Seungwan started reading the post-it note.

Yerim ah…

Life isn’t about satisfying everyone.

You said that this was your favourite comeback.

Your happiness is more important. Have faith in our fans.

Unnie will buy your favourite sushi for you tomorrow.

-Juhyun Unnie

~~~

“Unnie…”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

Yerim was not the type to express her emotions either. Juhyun knew that Yerim was embarrassed and was struggling to find the right words to say. Without thinking further, Juhyun pulled Yerim into a tight hug. It was a little awkward, Juhyun had to admit that, but she knew that Yerim was grateful when a hand reached out to clutch the back of her shirt tightly.

“We’ll do well Yerim ah. You’ll see.”

Unnie…You know how I feel, right? Thank you for understanding.

~~~

As Seungwan was speaking about her parents, Juhyun had to restrain herself from walking over and giving Seungwan a tight hug. Seungwan’s parents were at their concert. It was the first time they were going to see their little girl perform on stage, and Juhyun knew how special this moment was for her girlfriend. Her baby was tearing up. Juhyun could hear it in Seungwan’s voice. She could picture how proud Seungwan’s parents would be, because that’s how Juhyun felt every time she listened to Seungwan sing.

The post-concert feels were still there when they got back to the dorms. Everyone was tired, but there was a shared feeling of emptiness. It suddenly felt so quiet as compared to the loud cheers in the stadium. Juhyun knew that Seungwan was a little disappointed. Seungwan couldn’t spend time with her family until the following day. As the members were still lazing around in the living room, Juhyun excused herself, making up an excuse that she was heading to bed.

Fishing out the familiar purple pen, Juhyun started writing. She has so much to write, but the feelings couldn’t be put into words. Crushing the piece of paper, she opted to draw instead. She didn’t exactly know what she was drawing. It was by instinct. Soon enough, she could picture it in her mind.

She wanted, no, needed to remember the scene in her mind forever.

Amongst the dark stadium were hundreds, thousands of coral pink lightsticks. The fans represented the hard work she has put in all these years. She could still hear the crowd screaming her name. It was beautiful, but there was something even more beautiful. The fact that she could stand on the same stage as the person she loves, looking and admi