It’s so cold, but the only thing keeping me warm is the hot pack in my pocket and Sana’s left leg touching my right leg. Its as if her “cutie y” heat is transferring through her leg and onto me. I know it seems ridiculous to say or has my mind become delusional of thinking of Sana-unnie too much? Ahhh, I close my eyes to take a short rest because I’m exhausted. I feel totally drained and my feet hurt and my bones ache. I feel myself dozing off, then a finger flicks the tip of my nose. “Ahhh…Sana-unnie!” I say aloud, and all I could hear is Sana giggling. I awake from her flirtiness. I stare at her making my “neomu hae TT” face and she smiles brightly and laughs back at me. No one plays with my nose like Sana-unnie does, well except for Jeongyeon-unnie that one time at the fan meet. But that’s different because secretly I love all the unnies the same, but Sana-unnie is special to me. She has a special place in my heart. There’s just something about her and the sparkle in her eyes makes a million butterflies...,”NO!” as I yell to myself in my mind, and to stop my inappropriate thoughts. I breathe deeply and sigh, I’m one with God, for the Lord my God is my savior, amen! Finally the van pulls up to our dorm and we all quickly rush into the house.

I hurry into the bathroom to wash the makeup off my soft pale skin. “Maybe I should wash my sins away too” I say out loud. Then I laugh and shrug because what am I doing?! Talking to myself especially in the bathroom…*KNOCK KNOCK* I open the bathroom door and its Momoring and Nayeon-nnie waiting outside. Momo smiles at me and asks who I’m talking to. “Oh no one Momo..haha no one…” and Nayeon-unnie yells at me and tells me to hurry up. I don’t know why Nayeon wants me to hurry up when our dorm has three bathrooms, gosh!

It’s almost midnight, and all the girls just got home promoting “Knock Knock” on MBC Music Core. Tomorrow will be another busy schedule on Inkigayo, then another fan meet/sign and then Minari’s birthday next week. “MEHHH I’m tired, I should go to sleep early tonight..” I say to myself as I walk into my room. I look at Chaeyoung and she is doodling in her notebook while listening to music. My bed has never felt so good to lie on. It must be because I’m utterly tired. I look over at Tzuyu, she is also laying down with a face mask and hugging her plush puppy. Tzuyu is so pretty even when she sleeps.

Sadness manager: “GIRLS, lights out! Time for bed.”

I think I think too much, no matter how much I try to sleep earlier than usual or tell myself I should sleep early…I just keep thinking. I will drown in my thoughts one day…no one knows this…but I think about Sana-unnie every night before I sleep. Then when we have skinship, I think of all the possibilities of what could be or what could’ve happened and why she did what she did. WHO DOES THAT!!! I’ve been avoiding this my entire life, running away from my identity, because I cant possibly be……into Sana. There’s just no way. But the more I think of it the more it boggles my mind, “God loves all his children…” I keep repeating it over and over. How can God love me when I defy him? If God loves all his children then those who are “different” are loved also? But I have to stay true to myself. And deep down in my heart I know, I hold this secret. The more I deny it the more its true. Sigh…the more I think the more I’m lost. And the more I think of her my heart skips a hundred beats and a million butterflies flutter in my stomach. Even during TWICELAND, I couldn’t stop watching her dance to partition. She is so attractive. The other day when we were at our MLB shoot she looked like a beautiful rose with her tucked in red long sleeve, black baseball cap, and black skirt. “What a cutie!” I think I completely lost it when she and Chaeng were talking and Sana-unnie started dancing (hence the Sana bounce video) because I could see Sana-unnie from the corner of my eye and when she made her finger hook gesture, I turned away, quicker than the speed of light. And she even kissed me that day without hesitating! She just grabbed my head and kissed my soft cheek! She was about to kiss me during our TWICELAND photo-shoot too, but I told her no. When Sana-unnie speaks Japanese it’s so beautiful, even though I don’t know what she says. Sometimes I wonder if she is confessing her love to me when she speaks to me in Japanese. I interrupted her kissy face with the girl coming of age question and the three gifts a girl is supposed to receive. But I think she knows that the three gifts are perfume, flowers, and lastly a kiss. I can’t help but laugh because during our VLIVE she said she was going to kiss me back at the dorm where everyone can’t see us.

Sana-unnie really kissed me that day when we came back, she didn’t forget. I smile stupidly and doze off into a deep sleep.

I awake from the sounds of Jihyo and Nayeon practicing Knock Knock for todays Inkigayo performance. What time is it? I check my phone and its 8A.M. I get up and make my bed. I barely got any sleep because my thoughts kept me awake for a while last night. I walk slowly to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I don’t know how Jeongyeon-unnie and Momoring can share a bed together. If it was Sana and I, I don’t think she could stop touching me. “haha” just the thought of morning kisses or her light brown eyes starring into mines when we first wake, “ah so cute!”. Yesterdays voice comes back to taunt me “NO!” and again, I bounce back to reality and rinse my mouth and go to eat breakfast.

All the girls finish eating breakfast and we rush to get our makeup done because we have to be at Inkigayo rehearsal before 10A.M. Pinky and sadness manager-nim drove us all to Inkigayo. But since theres 9 of us we all don’t fit in one van so we have to take two cars. So we split up, with Pinky oppa is Tzuyu, Nayeon, Jihyo, and Sana. And the rest of us with Sadness-manager. Yesterday Sana-unnie sat next to me. I mean she always sits next to me, but today Minari sat next to me on my right and Chaeng to my left. And in front of me sat Jeongyeon and Momo. Blackswan Minari is like a sailor moon goddess! Sigh, its just Sana-unnie usually always sits with me, I’m a little sad already that she’s in the car behind us. This feeling is unlike me since I’m the charismatic one of the group. I tell myself whatever and try not to think too much. Thirty minutes pass and we arrive outside of the SBS building and walk towards the door for rehearsal. “DAHYUN DAHYUN !!!!” I turn around thinking its Sana but its just fans calling my name. I wave back and smile as they take pictures of me. Today’s going to be a long day…..please give me strength ! “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” I always recite Joshua 1:9 as it eases me and calms my nerves. It’s our turn to perform next. I laugh a little after seeing Blackpink Jisoo because it brings back memories of when we went to Australia for our Pocari commercial. Then I danced to their Playing with Fire song at the mall and all the unnies laughed at me.

I am so happy that I can’t think about anything else. We just won #1 for KNOCK KNOCK at Inkigayo! Sana-unnie hugs me with excitement and puts her arms around my shoulder. I hug her back tightly and put my hand around her waist. This is the third win after our promotion of KNOCK KNOCK. I didn’t think we would win, since so many artists are making a comeback. But wow this is so daebak. I am so proud of all of us in TWICE. For a second I even forgot about how tired I was! Haha. We all go back to the rehearsal room to gather and pack our things to head back to the dorm. The vans arrive to pick us all up but we stick to the same seat arrangement. Momoring is asleep and Jeongyeon is eating dried squid. Chaeng is passed out next to me with her head on my shoulder and Mina is looking at her phone.

Minari, since your birthday is coming up what do you wish for? What do you want to do on your birthday? “Hmm…haha I’m not sure, I could wish for kisses like Tzuyu did on her birthday or for us to all go out somewhere to celebrate the day.” “What do you think of the club?” Club? Oh but I’m only 18, well technically 19 but the clubs don’t let you in unless you are 20, so that would mean Chae, Tzuyu and I can’t go. “Oh yeah that’s right,..” But Minari if that’s what you want to do then don’t let us stop you! Or maybe some clubs will allow me to go since I’m 19, so depending on the club? We finally arrive at the dorm, Chae and Momo wake up and we all go into the house. “WOO TWICE good job!” says Jihyo excitedly. She puts the new trophy on our trophy shelf to add to our collection with the rest of our winning trophies. I take a quick shower and relax in bed after. Same as yesterday the time has gone by so fast, almost midnight already. Tzuyu is hugging her plush dog to sleep, she sleeps the earliest out of all of us. And Chae is chatting and snacking with Momo in the kitchen. Too overwhelmed from today, I close my eyes and rest. “Dahyun….Dahyun….yahhh…DAHYUN-A…” I ignore whoever is calling me, I’m too tired to open my eyes, so I go back to sleep.

I brush my teeth and go to my room to get my phone to check the time and its 11AM. Finally everyone is able to rest and get enough sleep to recuperate from the busy schedule we all have been having lately. Thank goodness there is no schedule prepared for the next couple days and we can relax. Even though I don’t share a room with Sana-unnie, she did say she was tired and barely slept. She said in her VLIVE she slept for 10 minutes and she didn’t have the energy and power to talk to ONCES. It worries me and I hope she will be okay, I want to give her strength when she looks at me. I want to recharge her with my smile and hugs. Mina’s birthday is tomorrow she will be turning 21. “Haha, what, you want to do what????” Jeongyeon yells. I join everyone in the living room. Nayeon-unnie is sitting in the massage chair with her phone texting. Tzuyu is sitting quietly and listening to the unnies talk. Minari is sitting on the ground and jotting down a list of the things she wants to do, Momo is eating her leftover jokbal for breakfast, Jeongyeon-nnie is lying down on the couch with Sana and Jihyo, and Chaeng is watching TV. They woke up earlier than me to have breakfast and are chilling. I sit on the couch next to Chaeng and from the corner of my eye I see the bullet points of Mina’s list. The most prominent one was going to the club.

MINA’s BIRTHDAY WISH LIST

Go to the club where its !

Enjoy a nice meal with all members.

Get kisses from members.

Watch a movie and eat cake.

Beauty products so I don’t have to share with Momo.

I guess they too were curious as to what Mina wanted to do on her birthday and what she wishes for. Mina must’ve mentioned the club before she made a list because Sana couldn’t stop talking about the clubs in Gangnam. “We should go to the club, it would be fun” Sana exclaims with excitement and dances randomly. Who dances without MUSIC?? Well Sana-unnie does! “Who can go though?” asks Nayeon. “YAA, Tzuyu and Chaeyoung are too young” says Jihyo making a sad expression. Jeongyeon adds, “you guys if Mina really wants to go to the club then we can go but we will have to do something in the day time altogether with the maknaes.” I sit there without saying anything because I don’t want to think about what will happen at the club if we do go. My mind wanders of the possibilities of where, when, what, and who. The thoughts that flood my mind dread me. Don’t get me started about Sana either. Sometimes I feel like she can’t control herself. Like when we are at fan meets and signing she always throws herself onto me. And the worst part is she’s not even drunk! What if she gets drunk at the club and she does something I don’t like? Or that worries me? Then what? And she’s always so clumsy, her safety would be my number one priority. I brush these thoughts away and get up to make myself something to eat.

I open the fridge to see if we have any ingredients to cook with. I grab eggs and hotdogs to make a quick breakfast. I crack the two eggs and add some salt and pepper and mix it into a bowl. Then I cut the hotdog into halves, mix it with the eggs, pour some oil onto the pan, and turn on the stove. Chaeng comes into the kitchen “smells good, what are you cooking?” Some hotdogs and eggs, want some? “Okay, by the way Minari says she wants to go to the club for her birthday, are you going?” Hm, I’m not sure if I want to go…should I? “Yeah, I think you should, it would be fun you’re an adult now haha.” I’ll think about it. I reach to get a plate in the cabinet, unable to reach it, I even tippy-toe. Suddenly a long hand reaches above mines to grab it for me. I turn my neck, surprised, oh… Sana-unnie. “Dahyunnie you shortie, haha.” I blush, I’m embarrassed and inhale because her face is so close to mines. And she’s standing so close to me pressing her body against my back with her left hand on my shoulder to help me grab the plate from the cabinet. “What’s there to think about?” she says “go, everyone is going, Chae is right it’ll be fun” and smiles at me with her pretty eyes and perfect smile. She grabs a Pocari from the fridge and leaves. I pass Chae her plate and we both eat silently in the kitchen. I contemplate in my mind if I should go or not. I have to go because its Mina’s birthday not because of Sana! Haha. “Why are you so quiet? What are you thinking about?” Chaeng asks. I lie and reply, what about you and Tzuyu? “We both will be okay at home, Tzuyu goes to sleep early anyways” Chae answers. I grab the chocopies on the table and give one to her and we both eat it.

I’m laying in bed watching old VLIVE’s of Sana and I. If she wanted the lipstick on my lips, why didn’t she just quickly kiss me? And why does she always want me to kiss her first? If she wants me to kiss her she should kiss me first! One day, I’ll have to muster enough courage and just kiss her when she asks me to kiss her. I’m still trying to figure out what it is Sana-unnie said to me when she spoke to me in Japanese. It turns out she was confessing to me! I feel so heart-felt now. I smile shyly; she told me she loves me in a hidden metaphor. She sure is something else. The time now is 11:50 A.M. Ten minutes before Minari’s birthday. We wanted to surprise her and give her an early birthday greet. Earlier that day Jihyo and sadness manager went out to buy a birthday cake for Mina. It’s so cute, the cake is a penguin, which is Mina’s favorite animal. Minari is going to love her cake, maybe she won’t eat it because it’s so cute. I help light the candles on Mina’s cake. We all gather in the living room and sing Happy Birthday to Mina, some of us making TT faces and Knock Knock poses. I speak first and say “Happy birthday Minari, I love you.” And everyone else chimes in to say their birthday greeting. We all hug it out in a group hug with Mina in the middle. It’s already late, so no one wanted to eat Mina’s cake and we all agreed to eat it with her later today. I carry the cake, walking slowly to the kitchen, in hopes I don’t drop it. I open the fridge and slowly slide the cake in. Two long arms wrap around my stomach and a head leans on my right shoulder. A whiff of warm air slowly hits my ear, “Dahyunnieeeee, sarranghaeeeeee.” There’s only one girl who does this and that girl is the same girl who makes my heart flutter. I slowly half turn my head and our faces almost touch cheek to cheek. And for a second we make eye contact, my heart races and I turn away. “Do you need help?” Sana asks politely. No, I’m putting the cake in the fridge so we can all eat it later. “Oh okay, then, goodnighty”, she says smiling at me and walking away. It’s nice to feel back hugged, since lately I feel as if Sana-unnie is trying to avoid me and hasn’t kissed me too since my graduation. But why do I freeze every time she hugs me its as if I’m a block of ice and I can’t move. Or I get super weak and melt like chocolate. UGH, I’m such a pabo! Come on Dahyun “you gotta know that you’re one in a million!” I turn off the kitchen light and go to my room. Tzuyu and Chae are sound asleep. I crawl into bed thinking about what just happened. Its still fresh in my mind, I smile and hug my plush doll.

Since today is Minari’s birthday, I wonder what she has planned. What restaurant did she pick for lunch and is she really going to a club?? I just hope she picks a club where I can get into too. Last night, I made up my mind that I was going to go today. I have to go. I feel bad that I didn’t even get Minari a birthday gift, maybe later at the club I could steal a dance with her! Hehe. I sit down next to Jihyo. Mina is cutting her birthday cake and it looks delicious. “WAH, thank you guys the cake is so cute, I love it!” Mina exclaimed with joyfulness. Everyone is getting ready because Pinky oppa is driving us all to Han River to have an outdoor picnic lunch for Mina’s birthday. I guess that would be good too since Han River is big and we won’t attract that much attention. Plus, we can order chicken and have food delivered to us.

Jihyo-unnie and Ieongyeon-nnie lay out the picnic blanket in the grass and we all sit down. Thank goodness today isn’t super hot because I don’t want to get sun burnt. “Minari what do you want to eat?” Jihyo asks. “I want to eat pizza!” Mina says shyly. “Okay I’ll go with Nayeon and Chaeng to the nearby convenient store and buy some instant ramen, rice cakes, drinks, ice cream, and also place an order for the pizza and chicken” Jihyo says aloud. The others are chatting and laughing. I’m sitting here thinking, what a beautiful day it is today to be outside. Sana’s hand tickles my chin and I look at her. We stare at each other, and she boldly says to me “Dahyunnie~ you are so cute! DUBU DUBU DUBU aigooooo.” I laugh and smile back at her. The others come back from the convenient store carrying food and our pizza and chicken arrive at the same time. I’m so excited to eat just because lately we’ve had to watch our weight for our Knock Knock promotion. I look at Sana and she’s eating a slice of pizza. It’s so cute when Sana eats because her cheeks puff up and she looks like an adorable chipmunk. It drives me crazy how cute she can be. And when I stare at her long enough without saying anything, she looks at me and says what with a confused face and laughs. I feel so weak for her but I can’t tell anyone. I can only keep these feelings to myself. I finish my food and grab the ice cream cone. I unwrap the paper on the cone and take a bite. “AHH AHHHH, I want a bite”, Sana her lips and opens wide waiting for me to feed her. “Get your own”, I tease and laugh jokingly. What I should’ve said was “I’ll give you something to bite on…” but I didn’t want to say it aloud in front of the unnies. They would for sure make fun of me. Sana makes a pouty face, and I give in to her demand and give her a bite of my ice cream cone. “MMMMmm its good!” she says. I jokingly reply “its good because I took the first bite,” I laugh. My heart beats uncontrollably. My stupid comment was already awkward. I stare at my ice cream cone and finish the last bite. We all relax on the picnic blanket and enjoy the Han River breeze blowing on our faces. The unnies are chatting about when we filmed the KNOCK KNOCK MV and we all had that huge fun pillow fight. I didn’t mean to swing too hard or it seemed that way in the shoot, but I was caught in the moment. The sun is slowly setting and we pack our things and clean up all the food. “Thanks for spending time with me today, I love you guys”, Mina says happily and we all group hug her yelling happy birthday.

We arrive back at the dorm and sit on the couch to watch a movie. The dorm is so cold. Jeongyeon-nnie is sitting next to Momoring and I see them holding hands with one of Momo’s legs over Jeongyeon-nnie’s leg. From the corner of my eyes, I see Sana starring at them and quickly looking away. I quickly look away too, so she doesn’t see me observing her. Sana puts her arm over my shoulder and grabs my face to pull me closer to her, essentially coddling me. I could smell the scent of flowers as she fixes her hair, the sound of her breathing as she exhales and inhales, and her heartbeat. I’m a er for her, I can’t even move. I’m totally entranced by her.

“Have fun !” Tzuyu and Chaeng both say to me. I don’t even know what I’m going to wear. I’ve never been to a club before and this’ll be my first time. I always see girls wear nice dresses but that’s only from the movies. I’m curious what the other girls are wearing. What is Sana going to wear? I really wish Chaeng and Tzuyu could go too, so I don’t feel as if I’m the “youngest” one there or lonesome. I end up picking an outfit that isn’t too short and too long. The skirt length is just right and my top covers my stomach not revealing too much. Red skirt with an oversized black crop top, black leather boots, and a long tan coat it is. I wait in the living room for the rest of the girls. WOW, I couldn’t believe my eyes! Everyone looks great, but Sana-unnie catches my attention the most. If I were her girlfriend, I would not let her go outside like that! I would wrap her up in a blanket and tell her not to come out of her room HAHA. I feel so conservative; ha the church girl in me is talking. I can’t stop starring at her short slick y black dress that shows her cleavage line, curves, and hips.

We arrive at the club, thank goodness I was able to get in because Jeongyeon-unnie’s sister Seungyeon knows the owner of the club and the bouncer let us all in immediately. We even got drinks on the house and a private section where we can drink, eat, and lounge. The dance floor could be seen from where our section is. The music is playing so loud I could barely hear what the members are saying. It’s dim inside but not pitch black where I can’t see anyone’s faces. This is like when we have parties at our dorm with the disco ball but ten times better and louder and with more people. The girls run to the dance floor and start dancing. I go with them. I feel so shy dancing with people that I don’t know but the music makes me move. And we dance altogether in our own little circle. My body vibes with the music and my feet start dancing and my arms start waving. I dance with Mina and she’s seems so happy, she’s shaking her head and swinging her arms in the air, side to side. And the same goes for Sana. She looks happy. If she’s happy, then I’m happy. I continue to dance, making casual eye contact with Sana. Is Sana teasing me? She’s dancing like how she danced at the MLB shoot when she was with Chaeng. Swaying her hips and shoulders side to side in an innocently y way with her tempting light brown eyes, and her index finger gesture calling me to come here. I give her a cheeky smile and point at her saying no no, to play hard to get. Sana closes in on me and suddenly puts her arms around my neck and swings her head side to side in a y manner. Our eyes wander and meet, but this time I don’t look away like I usually do. I feel the electricity spark within. I laugh shyly but continue dancing with her. She swings her hips side to side. I put my hand on her hip. She dances in a y hypnotic way like the time has stopped and it’s just us two in our own world. We are standing and dancing so close, I could feel her breathing on my face. I feel like I could kiss her real quick and no one would notice because it’s somewhat dark with disco lights flashing. I wish I could freeze this moment with her and savor it. When will I get the chance again to do so? I told myself last time, if something like this happened then be courageous and just do it. But, I control my urges and suppress these overwhelming mixed feelings. I let go of her swaying hips and she turns around, her back facing me, with one of her hand in the air continuing to dance. I go back to the lounge and sit down and take a sip of my drink. I don’t really know what to think of this moment, I feel like a buzz kill right now. At the same time, I feel upset and sad. I check my phone and its Chaeng asking me how everything is and if we made it to the club okay. I text her and tell her we are at the club already and that everyone is dancing and having fun. I sip my drink again, secretly eyeing Sana like a hawk, watching her on the dance floor. She makes me feel some type of way, there’s no denying it. I gulp down my drink like a shot of vodka and pour myself another glass. I see her dancing with Mina. Wait, that’s not Mina, but from the back it looked like Mina. Who is that girl Sana is dancing with! I feel so jealous right now, how can she dance like that with a random girl, who she doesn’t even know. I start singing to myself…“Oh jelly, jelly, oh jelly, jelly, oh jelly, jelly, oh my girl”. But my heart is racing, I feel so nervous and a little upset right now. I don’t even know how to act. I gulp down my drink again. I can’t believe I’m about to do something that I might regret. I clench my fists and get up and storm to the dance floor. Sana is dancing in a y manner with that random girl. I break Sana’s trance, and yank her hand and drag her away from the dance floor. I tightly grab her hand. I can feel her soft and warm hands pressing against my palm. “YAAAAA Dahyunn-a, what….?” she says as if she didn’t do anything wrong. I continue to tightly hold her hand until we get to the bathroom. I push open the door and let go of her hand to close and lock the door.

 “Dahyun-a, whats going on??” Sana asks with a confused look on her face. “I..I..” I hesitate and stumble on my own words, because I don’t know what to say to her. I take a big breathe of air and let it out to try to calm my nerves. Sana, why do you tease me? I just saw you dancing with that random girl, and I don’t like it. I don’t even like you wearing this outfit tonight at the club, because I knew all eyes would be on you. I get jealous easily, I want you all to myself. “Sana-unnie...I like you more than a friend, I have feelings for you” I say bluntly. She looks at me with her beautiful eyes and thin lips as if she is about to say something. I interrupt her and continue questioning. Why do you kiss me and get so touchy with me…? I feel so confused and lost. I get these mixed emotions because of you. And I don’t know how to feel. And when you tell me you love me that makes it worse, because I can’t tell if you mean it more than a friend or just as a friend. The way you look at me when we talk, it’s different than when you look at the other members. Like, you want to say more to me but the members being there holds you back from speaking truthfully. Then, I start to overthink things. Sana half smiles at me with a serious look in her eyes. I want to know what she’s thinking because I can’t read her face right now. I think she’s shocked. I mean I did just confess my true feelings for her. Yep, that must’ve done it for her that’s why she’s so speechless and at a loss for words. Maybe me coming out to her and confessing my love to her wasn’t a good idea. I immediately get hot and my face turns extremely red. I feel like such a fool.

Without thinking, I quickly turn around and walk towards the door. I unlock the door and grab the handle. Sana’s hand pushes the door back, closing it and locks the door. I turn around also feeling confused. With a serious look in her eyes, she touches my face with her hand and holds my hand in hers with the other. I can’t breathe, my hearts beating so rapidly. My back is almost touching the door and Sana her lips and leans in. Feeling nervous, I slowly close my eyes. She gets closer to me and with her thin red lips she says “Kim Dahyun…” and closes her eyes.