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Without youThe dorm has been engulfed in silence for quite some time until Ricky made his way towards the living room .
" .. What's bothering you ? " A certain emotional vocal hesitantly questioned as soon as he noticed how troubled his teammate looked .
For a moment , the younger just sighed and shrugged , as though he himself had no idea what was bothering him . At that point , he felt like everything was . However , someone seemed to be the main cause right now .
" Chanhee hyung .. He does look exhausted but at the same time I can't help but feel like he's avoiding us . " Frown deepening , Ricky explained as he recalled how a certain power voice has been returning back home late only to excuse himself saying he needed to sleep as soon as he stepped a foot inside the dorm .
The younger's words were met with monentary silence that was broken when Niel sighed before replying
" I know what he's doing . "
" you see .. He's trying to deny it in his own way . As long as he doesn't see his absence . As long as he doesn't have enough energy to focus on anything but his schedule , it's not true . He is trying to distract himself .. Which - am afraid - will only intensify his pain in the end . " Niel's expression had taken on a bitter hint as did his tone at last . He honestly didn't know who to pity anymore . Deep inside , he had been feeling guilt eat him raw because the one thing Byunghun wished for was given to Niel instead when he hadn't even asked for it . Byunghun has been denied the happiness of achieving his dream to both , pursue acting and stay a member of teen top ..
Every time Niel thought about it , every time he held the mic and practiced for his solo album , he would feel ashamed .. At first , because Chanhee deserved it more . But now , because Byunghun also did .
" You have really garnered my respect though , Niel .. I dont know how you could stay so strong , perform and interact with the fans showing none of your pain during such times .. " The compliment pulled him out of his thoughts but never warmed his heart . Really .. He wasn't as strong as people gave him credit for .
" .. Maybe it's because I'm still in shock , Ricky . I still cannot process the whole situation . I feel like I'm watching a dream from afar , a blurried one . My mind is a jumbled mess I'm rendered speechless . "
If Niel was paying attention to Ricky , he would have noticed how the younger bit his lips and fought back tears . Instead , he was once again trapped in a world of his own making , thinking over and over again .
Ricky and I have always hated the term " Change " . once we get used to a certain routine , we get attached and when that routine changes , it hurts like hell . Now imagine something a whole lot more important than a mere routine . Imagine having forced to part ways with a best friend , a band mate , and a person so irreplaceable you never thought such day would come . Terrible .. Is not strong enough to capture what I'm feeling right now . I feel empty .. Irrevocably so .
Meanwhile with Chanhee :
Though I'm very much aware of the fact my actions dont go by unnoticed , I can't help but keep on pretending .. I end up submerging myself in practice just so I won't have any strength left in me to wonder , to think ..
People say we should talk , let it out , instead of bottling our emotions .. But I can't .. I don't want to talk about it . Because in doing so , I would be admitting it , acknowledging what I truly dread with every ounce in my being . Every time I feel like someone may bring up that topic , I cower away in fear of hearing it . As ridiculous as it may sound , I feel like .. As long as I don't hear it , it's not true . As long as it stays unspoken , it cannot hurt me .. As long as I pretend to not know , it will be fine . because what you don't know doesn't harm you .
However and deep inside , a part of me has long lost the fight , determination and motivation .. That part seems to have accepted it .. That part screams claiming it hates him for thinking of leaving .. But at the same time that part is desperate wishing , no , begging him to stay .
~•.♥.•~
The only way to stop your pain is - ironically - drowning yourself in another kind of pain .
That's what Changjo decided to do . he has been working out to the point of inflicting harm on himself , just to distract himself from the pain of thinking about Byunghun leaving .
They were family , then why ? Family don't separate . family don't part ways . He felt it the most because he really grew up with them considering how young he was when they debuted . He felt like a magnificent castle losing one of its pillars all too abruptly . Though maybe it wasn't so sudden .. the signs were there .. Few months ago . But he couldn't read them or maybe he could but chose to ignore them as if it was a phase , bound to come to an end . Little did he know . The phase wasn't Byunghun's depression , rather his presence . Just a phase .. A memory . Something he would have to learn and get used to referring as the past .
God ! It hurt too bad .
The maknae was so lost in his thoughts that he accidentally lifted the dumbbells too abrupt sending sharp pain to his neck .
" ! I think I just pulled a muscle . "
It did hurt but such pain seemed insignificant compared to the one residing in his chest .
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