Chapter 3 : I'm Not Your Toy

At the time, I hadn't realized my fear. My fear of being left alone. The fear that comes with being abandoned. Just left there in a corner rotting each, hour after hour, and minute by minute...

When I saw others' inability to function without human interaction, I started to question my sanity. I could go an entire month, maybe even a year without speaking or seeing anyone, and I would still be alive, yet why am I still suffering even up to this day? Why do I still have so many questions that will forever remain unanswered? And even though I knew they would stay permanently  blank without any reply, I still pondered and asked myself questions that no one knew. Isolation had slowly turned me blind.

Why did I run away from Jeon Jungkook? This became one of the most burdensome questions I've ever faced. Ever since that day, Jungkook started showing more affection for me. Still thinking that I would go back to that time at the bridge and allow myself to be saved. Thinking that hugging me while I cried was going to change anything, when in fact it just made things worse.

I missed that hug. I missed his scent and how he gripped me harder when I loosened up. His warm, gentle smile and the way he looked intensely at me as I cried. Did you really care for me? Or were you just playing games with me, Jeon Jungkook?

 

I took a walk along the park at sunrise, something I normally wouldn't do considering my hatred for mornings. But last night, I couldn't sleep. I stayed up all night laying in bed. My state of mind completely fatigued and overworked.

That day I wondered why I felt the way I did. What I felt when I saw Jungkook approach my roomate, Hyun-Jae.

Even though there was no sort of interaction between them, just seeing them next to each other made me oddly uncomfortable.

For the first time in my life I felt resentment. It was a new and confusing feeling that flowed through me like a strong wind, almost strong enough to knock me off my feet. I confused that feeling for agony and torment. I thought I could let go even for just a day, but just ended hating myself because I couldn't. It was my fault for not understanding what I was feeling. It was my fault for choosing to live like this. And it was my fault that I lived in desolation and didn't allow myself to take anyone in. I still blame myself for these things.

On my way back to the dorm I decided to stop by a coffee shop. I had been stupid in not realizing that since it was the nearest coffee shop to the dorm, there would be a roomful of college students. Among those college students were Jungkook and Hyung-Jae.

They sat awkwardly at a table together. Jungkook had ordered a double espresso, and Hyung-Jae a latte machiatto with extra foam. They had blank expressions on their faces until Hyung-Jae suddenly began to speak.

After that, Jungkook followed and spoke shyly. He gave her a slight smile. At the time, I did not understand that this smile was different from the one I had witnessed. This one felt unreal and remote. I didn't want to think that he only felt something when he looked at me, and only me. I didn't want to rely on another again, and suffer knowing that they would soon leave me. I didn't want to feel used and taken advantage of. I shouldn't have spent my energy on something as simpleminded as love.

Those who fell under the trance of love were destined for a life full of dread and regret. It haunts you as long as you live, never leaving your side. Being 'drunk on love' is both idiotic and unrealistic. The more you have it, the more addictive it becomes, and the more it hurts when it leaves you. It engulfs our true panorama of reality, leaving us more than just confounded.

About a week later I saw them sitting at the same spot. This time they both ordered the same drink; a tall latte macchiato.

They quickly grew closer to each other. I still had that same feeling, but it had grown stronger. Hyung-Jae began to flirt carelessly- brushing her hair back, slowly letting the tips of her nails leave the last few strands, and gazing up and down at Jungkook suggestively.

Jungkook sensed that someone was staring at him and turned around. As soon as our eyes met, by body froze. All joy disappeared from his eyes. He seemed to look right through me as if I were a ghost. It shook my whole body leaving me unprepared for what would happen next.

He grabbed Hyung-Jae by the neck, pulling her closer with that same familiar strength, and kissed her sloppily. The kiss seemed forced and unnatural. Had I expected Hyung-Jae to push him and run away, just like I did, I would've come back to my senses, but instead Hyung-Jae kissed him back instantly.

My whole body had left me unnerved. I did not know why I felt the way I did. Him and I didn't have anything to do with each other. We had only met once, or maybe even twice...but after this our first encounter had been erased from my mind.

Why did you bother showing affection towards me and tricking me when you fell head over heels for another girl, because apparently you were dissatisfied by me?

"Jeon Jungkook," I thought to myself, "I won't fall for your measly tricks. I'm not a toy. I won't fall for anyone again."

 

I reached a point that I had never been in in my life. I, Y/F/N, had never been this confused and overwhelmed by my own experiences. I slowly began to weaken. I lost my appetite and would eat nothing but random bags of chips lying around Her bed. Her name would never come out of my mouth the same way it once did. She was synonymous to betrayal, and I hated her with a deep passion. I still didn't understand why, though. Besides the fact that she had a much better life than I did, I had no other reason to hate her. And I didn't care that she owned everything I didn't have. It didn't face me because I was born with this life. My fate was chosen since birth, and I was given the difficult one. You on the other hand, will never experience suffering or dread the way I did. You would never experience guilt the way I did, and you would never feel resentment the way I did. Because you had it all.