17/02/17 editing typo, changing a few details, and added a little something. i hope i didn't miss anything.

My name is Ma Yoomi, I’m 26 years old, I’m an intern of residency program in Kyung Hee University Hospital in neurology department while study to prepare for neurologist fellowship in four years. My family is an ordinary family living in Seoul, my father is working as the contractor for Hyundai Energy & Resource, my mother is a housewife who owns a restaurant to keep her busy, and my younger sister is also a doctor and moving to Busan next year to follow her fiancé. Nothing particularly outstanding or pathetic about me, but since my little sister got engaged earlier than me my family has been looking at me with sympathy in their eyes while my friends are teasing me to go look for a husband soon before I grow grey hair and my standards for a man raised into an impossible level.

Well, I take those as a joke. I don’t push myself to find a random man wishing that he’s my destiny. I believe if he’s the one for me, we’ll meet and be together no matter what.

After months of begging, I finally got the approval to move out and live on my own when my parents found out that my residency program application was accepted. It was a hard work, my parents want their children to stay under their wings until forever, if it’s possible. But I’m a grown up woman, I want to have my own space, and it’s not like I’m moving out of the country it’s just moving to a different district 20 minutes away to be closer to where I’m going to work.

Now I’m cleaning out my old room to short out what to take, what to stay, and what to throw away so my parents can use my room after I move out. There is this small cabinet in my room where my old stuff are piled and hidden from inquiring eyes, they are the most private things I hold dearly and I still haven’t got the heart to let go. I decide to put my suitcase aside and take a sit in front of the cabinet, preparing my heart to the rush of memories.

Opening the cabinet, there are papers filled with messy scribbling of words I used in class to talk with my friends in class when I was in high school stacked in a box, there are also notebooks that I used to write down formulas for math, physics, and chemistry, some notebooks where my girl friends ranted out about their crushes when I was in junior high school, some pictures of my school days, some trinkets, keepsakes, and deep hidden inside the cabinet is my diaries. My most precious possession that hold the stupidity in my past. Those that I promised to myself to burn before I die.

Dreading to turn back the time and reliving the days, I reach out and take the most familiar blue peter bunny rabbit notebook, the last diary I wrote. I put so much effort to make it memorable, sticking photos, movie tickets, theme park tickets, diner bills, everything that I thought I should remember forever. My most precious scrapbook. The notebook is filled with my days as a high school kid with Sehun and Jongin in the picture.

I chuckle to myself when I see the first page, my own picture with messy bun, sticking out my tongue and a ‘V’ of my hand, I was so embarrassing I wonder how did I manage to live through that part of my life.

Oh Sehun was the first one introduced in the book. He was the hyperactive kid in my class at cram school that I enrolled on my last year of junior high school. He was a good boy, funny, sometimes absurd, loved to joke around and I enjoyed his companion. He wasn’t one of the ‘it’ guys, he was an average height, skinny, not striking handsome but not ugly at all, and had this funny accent when he talked. He was an extrovert jokester while I was leaning more to the taciturn side. I didn’t know how we got along or when it all started, all I remember is that we were suddenly attached by the hip despite the differences.

He was funny, a tad bit annoying, but a fun boy. He always sat beside me, reserved a seat beside him if I was coming late. And then he’d had his friend on my other side, it was fine until they started to laugh. The sound was like two stereo speakers placed right beside your ears and you played a colossal movie with gun fights, explossions, and what not, and put he volume into maximum. They were annoying, I thought he only did that to torture me. Most of the time I ignored them, or said something as thoughtless as “You ugly, I hate you.”

But then there was also the sweet part of him. He wouldn’t leave me if my mom was late to pick me up, using lame excuses to his friends so they’d leave him to stay with me. The excuses started with him giving me his hat and told his friends that I wouldn’t give it back until I was being picked up, and then his jacket, and then his watch, and then his friends stopped asking things and just asked him straight if he’d stay with me or coming with them.

I told my friends at school about Sehun’s antics, and Yoori decided to change her schedule to join me and Sehun because she thought it would be fun to have me with her and my friends seemed even more fun.

I introduced them and soon they became devils in disguise and making plots against me. Like annoying me by bicker-shouting to each others while I was sitting in the middle of them, taking my notes on hold because they’re too busy chattering in class, doodled on it and even made it their shared book, or eating a bag of sweets I bought for snacking in between classes while I was being held to do a try out that I missed the previous week in another room, and visited me in my class while munching the candies they stole from my bag. Furious, I ignored them and refused to said any good things because I hated when people take things that belongs to me without my permission.

Somehow, the bubbly Sehun felt guilty. He kept trying to make me talk to him for the whole day while Yoori stood on the sideway and said nothing. I knew I shouldn't be that angry, it was just a candy, but that time I didn't even want to see them. Guilty Sehun hated that I ignored him, so when the next class came, he came to me with a box of candies.

"Please don't be mad,” He said with sad eyes, hand stretched out to hand me the sweet goodness. ”I'm sorry I ate your candies."

Oh how could I not forgive him if he was that sweet.

Smiling at the memory, I remember those days. Things were great and everyone was kind in my eyes. I never thought I was that naïve. Go Yoori, one of my friend since my junior high school but only got closer since she joined me in the cram school. She was a tomboy, mingling with the boys really well, and didn’t seem to care about crushes like how most 15 years old girls are. But true what they said, don’t judge a book by it’s cover.

She didn’t seem to get a long with Sehun very well at first. Well, Sehun has this mouth sharper than butcher’s knife, he’s very blunt and doesn’t seem to mind other people’s feelings. At least the Sehun that I remember is. But somehow Sehun, Yoori, and I found the dynamic and we were almost inseparable. The duo soon became a trio, I was happy that both of them got along well. Sehun was somehow closer to me than to Yoori, he always with hurtful words and she took it too seriously while on the other side, I didn't take what he said to my heart and just shoved him aside.

It happened for the whole year. Sehun always around and still refused to left the building until mom picked me up even though Yoori was waiting with me and his friends were trying to drag him home because they had another boys stuff to do. But nope, he would always wait beside me.

Skipping a few pages, I find another stage in my life. Still naïve, still dense, still ignorant as I was before.

Sehun and I went to different highchools. He and Yoori choose a school that filled with the gang of jealous girls from my junior high school, and even the thought of seeing them again for the next 3 years of my life gave my brain a heavy cramp. So that school was in my black list no matter how many friends I had that went there, I picked my own path with choosing a private school where only three people from my old school also choose.

It was only a week since the new year started and their new friends suddenly knew me, I didn’t know how or why. Gayoon, my friend who also went to the same school with Sehun, called me one day, saying that they needed me to call Sehun to come and help with their group assignment. I was welcomed if it was what it take for Sehun to come. When I asked her why me, she only said.

“You are the only one who can tame Sehun, he listens to you.”

Apparently Sehun was mad at them, I didn’t ask the details but he didn’t pick up any of their calls.

And it didn’t happen once. It happened three times to be exact, and Sehun always stuck on my side every time. He wouldn’t leave me even though Yoori said that she really needed to go home and it was late and her closest male friend that time was Sehun. He insisted that I would be alone, which was definitely not true since there were two other males and Gayoon, and he still didn’t want to take Yoori home.

His friends were giving me this look with a sly smile that I didn’t understand.

I should have known what was Yoori trying to do, but Sehun was too focused to stay with me to realized, and I was too busy to convince him that I was okay so he could take Yoori home. The joke is on me, I should have realized it sooner.

Not wanting to fall too deep into the past, I skipped another few pages. My fingers stop at the first mistake I made in my adolescent year. I got back with my ex, not thinking about Sehun because I thought he was only friends. I couldn’t be more wrong.

Despite the fact that the last relationship lasted for almost 2 years, with the constant breaks here and there, I didn’t feel anything more than the obligation to do what he said. He was one year older and had more relationships than me, he thought he had the right to set the pace in our relationship, and I just did as I said if I didn’t want him to verbally abuse me. He made what I thought my first love felt like a nightmare. Until I had enough and broke it off without any thoughts or regrets.

I hated him but he was a sweet talker. Ten months passed and turned out my ex was not getting any better as his persuasive mouth made it sound. He was even crazier than the last time I saw him.

By this time I lost contact with Sehun, and joined a language academy for English course outside school, together with Yoori and Gayoon. It was rather depressing to have a demanding, possessive, self-centered boyfriend, catching up with school, and doing extra classes, so again I gave up. For good. I was tired of crying for hours every night and being blamed for having my cellphone died of low bat or had someone contact me just because I was in the student council. I had enough. I lost Sehun, I lost the cute potential-boyfriend in my school, I lost my best friends, and I was falling behind at school. Dating him was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. That jerk didn’t do me any good and I needed three months before finally I cut all ties with him.

I skim through every words I wrote on the pages, reading one of the dark times in my life in a lightning pace. Even reading this again now, after so many years, still making me burn in anger. Now I can safely say that I loathe the guy. He could be crumbled half dead on my feet and I won’t twitch a muscle.

And I remember how much I missed the presence of the loud, bubbly, always happy kid with weird accent and cute lisp that used to stay with me in front of the cram school.

Two weeks after the break up I mustered the courage to text him with a simple “Hi”. I could recite his phone number without a second to think, I had it memorized outside my head, I was hoping he didn’t change his number.

Hi there, stranger. _{4.35 pm}

SHUN

He texted me back in less than ten minutes. Relieved didn’t suffice to describe what I felt at the moment. I was so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling, I reread his message multiple times to make sure that I wasn’t hallucinating. I had to stop myself from giggling like an idiot and started to think what to do keep the conversation going. I was giddy and excited, suddenly everything felt right, everything felt like how it used to be, we still talked about power rangers and fried chicken. It felt like I never got back together with my ex and thank God he didn’t ask about it either.

We met up like we used to, joking around and laughing out loud like the old days. It was only ten months, but he became so tall, he lost his baby fat, his shoulders were broad, and he cut his hair. I didn't remember that Sehun was this attractive, the last time I saw him I saw a boy, as tall as me with messy hair that he didn't bother to take care. Look what time did to us. There was another change in him, it took few weeks for me to realized this, he became a lot more affectionate. Before, he never held my hand, nor touched my cheeks and tummy, nor hugged me, but now he could freely do skin ship. I didn't mind, I liked his companion and when he touched me I didn't have any urge to slapped his hand away nor pulled a safe distance. Actually, I enjoyed them. There were times that we didn't meet for more than a week, and I missed him so much that I could cry.

There is a picture of us attached on the other page. We were switching the top of our gym uniforms in my house, I wore his while he wore mine. It’s cute when I see it now, we looked so happy with big smiles splitting our faces into halves, and hugging each other side by side.

Another pictures are placed after the previous one, each was taken on different days. A picture of us playing fireworks at my yard, us in our uniforms on the front door of my house after he picked me up from school, us eating diner in my dining room, and then another one of us hugging in front of my computer. I don’t remember when this one was taken, but everything is taken around my house. Unlike me, Sehun didn’t like malls or crowded places, so my house was his favorite place to meet and spent the time together.

He and I had different preferences of things. I like to have a cup of hot chocolate in a café and just sit there to enjoy the weather while talking random things or just analyzing people around me, while he preferred open spaces, nature, and he couldn’t stay still. My house was the place we both liked, whether it was for watching movies, playing games, running around the garden, rolling on the ground tickling me, or snuggling on the couch. For three months cuddling became a routine for us. That was not strange for friends to hug each other, right?

It was in a chilly January when we cuddled on the couch in the living room in my house, watching Jurassic Park while of my family –my parents, sister, and grandma– was already in their rooms ready to called it a day. His left arm around my shoulder, and his other hand holding both of my hands on his lap, while I curled on his side, laying my cheek on his broad shoulder. It was warm, I felt warm. I loved his warmth. I closed my eyes and snuggle closer until I unconsciously stuck my nose on the side of his neck. Before long Sehun turned his head very slowly and brushed his lips on my forehead before he planted a kiss there. It was new.

Sehun never did that before, it was the first time. I've been kissed before, my forehead wasn't a , I've got kissed many times before. But Sehun's kiss was different. It was shy and pure, and I really enjoyed the sparks in my stomach.

My eyes still closed, I didn't move to let him know that it was okay, that I didn't have any objection for his kiss. I didn't see his face, but I could feel his hesitation. Seeing that I didn't pull away, he planted another kiss on my left cheek. My stomach did a somersault. I didn't move a muscle, and so did he. As if we were waiting for each other's to responds. Time moved slow, so very slow, I would think that it really stopped if it wasn't for his right thumb drawing circles in a slow motion on the back of my hand.

My heart picked up its pace to three times faster than it should be. Suddenly I felt so shy but still, I didn't pull away.

After the long minutes, he backed away a little, just a little so he could move, dragging his lips on my skin very slowly, from my cheek to finally landed on my lips. That time, time really stopped. My heart stopped before it raced like crazy, I literally saw fireworks before my closed eyes, my breath hitched and butterflies burst in my stomach, fluttering their wings wildly, sending me goosebumps from head to toes. I felt like flying.

I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't hear anything.

All I felt was his lips that moved clumsily against mine. I could feel the shape and the every wrinkles on his lips, and I could feel the fast beating of his heart under my right palm. It was magical, the moment was magical. It was innocent and pure. My body was tingling in euphoria, it was everything beautiful in the world being put into one.

It wasn't the first time my lips got kissed. It wasn't the first time my hands got held. But this moment, this very moment, his every moves made me feel like they were my first. Even when I got my first kiss, I didn't feel a single flutter, I didn't see fireworks, and I breath fine. So what was it that made me feel all of this?

I didn't know how long the kiss was, it felt so long yet so fast. Sehun backed away a little and left me some space to catches my breath. Was that real? Was he really just kissed me? I looked up to met his eyes and we both looked away at the same time. I could feel my cheeks heated up to my ears and my heart was still pounding like it was the first time it beat.

We couldn't even look each other in the eyes, his cheeks were stained pink up to his ears, I couldn’t even imagine how my face looked like. There was a moment of silence before he told me that it was late and it wasn't proper of him to stay until this late. I only nodded and smiled, still trying to tame my wild beating heart. This time, I mustered everything I've got to looked at him in the eyes. Just to make him see that I didn't regret the kiss.

He smiled back and packed up his stuff. I walked him to the door and waited for him to put on his shoes, still with a stupid smile plastered on my face. Sehun straightened his back and even when I was standing in the wooden floor that one step higher than where he stood, he was still a little taller than me. Just how much he grew?

A shy smile grew with the faintest tint of pink on his face and before he bid goodbye, he leaned forward and pecked my lips. "Good night." was the only thing I heard before he disappeared behind the door.

That night, I couldn't stop smiling, even squealing, rolling to the right until I was on the edge of my bed before I rolled back to the left. And it didn't stop until I felt my cellphone vibrated. It was a text message from him, "Thank you" he said. I squealed to my pillow and stared at those to words until my eyes lulled close and dream found me.

I hate cheesy things, the only cheesy thing I like is cheese, but he made me felt like the cheesiest cheese in the whole planet. It’s been over eight years since the last time I saw him, but I can still remember every crinkles on the corner of his eyes when he smiles, his annoying boisterous laugh, the very hint of pink on his cheeks every time he pulled away after every kiss like it was yesterday.

The heat is creeping up to my ears as I recall the event. Even though his smell that I loved so much has faded away from my mind, I still vividly remember the lay out of my house, the shirt he wore that night, and even the color of the curtain. I almost faint in happiness when I think back about that day. Holding myself from giggling, I bit my lips and lay on my belly to continue reading my self-written novel.

Things escalated rather quickly after that, and the closer I got the more mysterious he was. We've know each other for like two years and yet I felt like there were so many things I didn't know about him. This feeling inside me bloomed without I noticed it. One time we talked about him being a mystery, he said that he had three sides of him. One side that only his family knew, one side that he put up in front of his friends, and the last one was his side that he had when he was with me. I didn't understand it, how could someone had that much different sides? What was he hiding from me?

And he said that I was a mystery for him too, I argued that I didn't have that much sides, I was as easy as an opened book. But he insisted that I was not. He was trying to solve me, to dig deeper, to found out more. He rejected my help when I offered one, he said that he didn't want anyone to help him, he wanted to found them out by himself. Because with that, everything would be crafted in his mind and it would be everlasting.

Sehun was a weirdo, and what made him sound even weirder was when I asked since when did he noticed me.

"Since you called me 'ugly'. You're the first one who said that, and I couldn't forget you since then." He said while playing with my fingers.

There are so many things I don’t understand about Sehun, and this is one of them. That time I didn't even remember that I ever called him "ugly". And even though I did, how could that became the factor for him to notice me? Oh, things that Oh Sehun said, those words that came out from that beautifully shaped lips when he wasn't a goofy noodle always made my heart fluttered.

It still makes my heart flutter. It’s doing it now as I’m reading.

Once I told him that I didn’t expect a lot from him and never thought seriously of him. He always joked around and picking on me, there was nothing serious between us, so I never thought that he could be like this with me, and he told me something I didn’t think an Oh Sehun capable to say.

"Even though you don’t take me seriously, when you're away and I find someone else, I would leave her and be with you if you come back to me." he said it over texts and he couldn’t see my face, I still tried to not blushing at this, but that was impossible.

When you met someone that always laugh, always did silly things in his daily life, and then he said something this sweet to you, you couldn't help to think that you are special to him. He didn't treat me like how he treated his female friends. He made me felt that I was special to him.

Another time I asked Sehun what would he do if I suddenly gone. He answered with words that sent butterflies in my stomach fluttering.

"If you're gone and I don't know where you are, I would wait here, so you'll find me when you come back." he said. That was something I never thought will came out from his lips. He was never a romantic kind of boy. Sehun was blunt, always talked with sharp words and paid not much attention that his words sometimes hurt others.

But I never thought I was ever hurt from his words. If anything his words always got me tingling all over my body. His words always put a smile on my face, if not more.

It’s true that we never talked about serious things for the whole time we were texting or talking on the phone, more when we met face to face, we took what we had lightly. Never really put a pressure in our friendship, and just let things flow. He never knew how many confessions I’ve rejected, nor I knew how many girls wanted to be in my position. We never thought that it was matter.

Now that I think about it, Sehun and I had never talk about people that showing interest to us. I didn’t know how he was at school, and he didn’t know how I was at school. I never knew if there was anyone hitting on him, never knew who he was texting with, but nor did he knew mine. It feels like the area was a taboo to discuss.

I don’t understand why we didn’t open up about what happened in our love lives. I can’t seem to find the answer, even now that I’m all grown up and see things more. Why did we keep them to ourselves? Okay maybe I was scared to hurt him if I talk about boys to him, I felt like I’ve hurt him when I got back with my crazy ex. But why didn’t he talk to me about girls?

One day, when I was browsing in one of my social media accounts, a girl added me on her friend list. She was a stranger, and I never accept strangers in my accounts, but I saw her profile and it stated that she went to the same high school as Sehun, so I accepted her friend request. I didn't put much of attention to her, until one day, she wrote on my wall.

"Hi, are you friend of Shun?" Shun was the name I called Sehun with when we were in cram school in junior high school. I was the only one who called him that, and it was my pet name for him. How could anyone knew that name and casually called him that? I didn't like it. I made that name out of typo and it was reserved for me, not for random people. Not even for his friends.

The first impression I got from this girl was already bad. Slightly hurt, I wrote back, "I am, and who are you?"

"Oh, I'm his junior, just a year younger. How old are you?" Well, wasn't this kid a very talkative? I browsed her profile and saw her pictures. She was petite, long haired, and quite pretty. Hm, what did she want from me?

"I'm the same age as Sehun." If she called him with the name I made, that spread out and used without my consent, then I would call him with a name that no one called him with. I didn't want to be just another girl. For him, I was special.

"Unnie! Are you Shun's girlfriend?" not just talkative, she was apparently blunt. Too blunt for my taste. But that was not what irritated me, it was her question.

Are you Sehun's girlfriend?

​I hated to answer this question. Was I his girlfriend? Well, he always called me ‘my Yoomi’ but he never confessed, nor he said he liked me. So what should I wrote to reply this question?

Putting my confusion aside I settled with, "No, I'm not. Why are you asking?"

"Oh, that's great news!"

I didn't feel good with her answer, but I kept replying, "Why is that a great news that Sehun and I are not dating?"

"Unnie, you don't know? Many girls like Shun in my school. Girls from my grade, his grade, even the seniors."

"Whoa, really? How do you know there are that many girls into him?"

"One of my best friends likes him, and Shun lovers share info, and it’s said that Shun is not committed with anyone in school and he's not reacting when girls come to him too. That's why I thought he has a girlfriend from other school. People mentioned your name, so I thought it was you."

"He has a lot of fans, huh?"

"Well, he's quite popular if you ask me."

And I stopped replying. I was glad that many people loved my Shun Sehun. I was worried that people were going to hate him because his blunt, sometimes violent, behavior. But I was worried for nothing, he was loved enough. And that led me to the second question.

Was I his girlfriend? This question was haunting me for the next days. I didn't tell Sehun about the conversation I had with his fangirl, of course, I thought that instead of her friend it was her who liked Sehun. Nor I told my friends about my recent discovery. I just kept the question to myself.

What was I to him? I felt special, but how special?

That question quite gave me a headache because I couldn't find the answer even after a week passed. I tried to relate things, putting in the puzzles, still I couldn't find them matched. Yes, Sehun treated me nicely. Yes, he came to me. But he never took me out to hung out with his friends, he never introduced me to his new friends aside that the ones I met when they did their assignments, he never introduced me to his family even after he was so close to mine. Now that I thought about it, I knew nothing about him.

And those revelation led me to a heartbreaking thoughts. Did he hide me?

That was a hurtful thoughts, but that time I couldn't think any other possibility. I couldn't confront him too, because we were friends. I just realized that I needed him, and I just got him back I didn’t want him to run away if I asked him straight to his face. So I endured the pain, alone.

My heart aches when a see a couple of wavy dots on the paper. It was my tears smudging the blue ink. Yes, I still remember what I felt that time. I remember how the questions were on the tip of my tongue before I had to swallow it back when he made my heart fluttered. Again.

One day, after a very tiring week Sehun and I were texting like usual, talking about random stuff like what he did that day, did I had dinner, etc etc, just to ease the feeling of missing him, until we ran out topics to talk about. But I still missed him and didn't want the conversation to end yet, so I asked another basic question.

"What are you doing now, Hunnie?" yeah, now I called him with this name, I knew only his family called him like that and I didn't mind to be classified as his family. I didn’t want to call him with the name everyone called him with.

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"The future."

Again, he was thinking about the future. He did that a lot lately. And every time I asked what future he was thinking, he always answered with a simple "Everything." and nothing more, because Oh Sehun was cool like that. So this time, I didn't bother to ask about that.

"Well, whatever it is, even though I'm not a part of it, I wish you all the best luck." A little uncomfortable saying that, but I sent it anyway.

He replied fast, "Of course there is, my soybean. Everything I do is for my family, friends, and you. How could you said that?" Soybean was the name he used to tease me.

Butterflies came back and attacked me from the inside and I lost the massive bad feelings I have felt for days. But I didn't understand. "What do you mean?"

I was hoping that I could get an answer, but no, Sehun was not that easy, "Let the time answers that, my soybean."

My heart skips a beat when I read the conversation, he’s still giving me flutters even with reading this, a story from ten years ago. How could he effect me that much? But still, it was not enough to ease the turmoil in my mind. I knew I need more.

The bad feelings came back as the time flew. My curiosity grew together with my feelings for him. Another two months passed by and I started to realized that I loved him. I skipped the "I like him" stage, and unconsciously just jumped to "I love him", if that even possible. I liked being around him, I couldn't stand a day without knowing what was he doing, I couldn't stay mad at him for a long time, point was I wanted him around me and I wanted him to be happy.

And my feelings were just couldn't be held for too long when he kept on being like that. If the conversation with his fan was not happened maybe I could just let this go. But it did happen, and the question of "what am I to him?" was keep popping up in my head. I was afraid to asked him directly, I didn't know how he would react. And wasn't it weird that the girl opened up her feelings first? Or was I too insecure of our feelings?

But after I got another confession at school, the urge to confirm him of what we were was overwhelming. Was it worth to decline so many offers just for one that wasn't clear? Was it worth to keep going like this with him, rejecting every other confession? Rejecting every guys who had the courage to declare their interest in me? Even when my relationship with Sehun was without status? Was he worth of every guilt I felt? Of every burden I felt after I broke those guys' hearts? Was Oh Sehun worth it?

Spending restless hours of English course, I couldn't focus on what the tutor said, I couldn't even join my friends picking out each other, all I wanted was to go home. To wait until Sehun was free from his daily activities and asked him about us, even if it was through a text.

10 pm. Sehun finally asked me about how my day went. I skipped the chit chat and just straight to the main point.

"Oh Sehun, what am I to you?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Just curious. Now answer me, what am I to you?"

It took a while for him to replied my text. It came after agonizing twelve minutes. Almost trembling with nervousness and excitement, I opened his messages.

"Sorry, mom called. Of course you're my friend, my Yoomi, why did you even ask."

I stopped breathing. And I believe that day I didn't cry. I didn't, did I? No, I was just bawling my eyes out for three straight days and didn’t talk to him at all for the rest of a good while. I've never felt so hurt before. The hurt was different with the ones I had when I got into a fight with my exs, I didn't even this hurt when I broke up with them.

Was this how rejection felt like? To love someone and that someone just sees you as a friend? To be honest, I've never put my expectation on Sehun this high before.

Maybe he was not always smooth at showing his feelings through words, but I didn't think that he would say that we were friends when we were already this far. I was hoping that he might said something like "you are the closest girl friend." or "what you want us to be?"

Oh Sehun was not a good talker, but I wished at least he could give me small hints by saying something that was not including the word friend. I would be thankful if he said "I don't know, we're close for a long time and I like to be around you, what do you think you are to me?" That way I’d know that I meant a little bit more than a casual friend for him. That way I’d know that I can trust him to wait until he was ready and kept my heart for him.

Rather than betrayed, I was disappointed at him.

Now I can just smile at the memory. I can still feel the wound from that one harmless word, also the disappointment is still there even though it’s not as much as before, the disappointment of me jumping to conclusion without waiting for more signs of him, of me being hurt too easily, of him being so casual about it. The first time I was hurt because of him was because the harmless word “friend”. I was so in love with Sehun that I’d accept him in a heartbeat if he confessed, maybe that was also the reason I was hurt that much. And maybe it’s also the reason why everything went downhill.

I had low level tolerancy to stress. No one knew this, but I got panic easily, I got stress very easy. And when things got too much for me, I collapsed. Two weeks, it was two weeks that I didn't talk to Sehun. Not through messages, not phone calls, not meeting, nothing. Two weeks without Sehun, and I had high fever. I just laid in my bed, covered with thick blanket from head to toe in the summer. I was sick. And Sehun didn't know.

I didn't even know where and how he was. Only after my fever cooled down, and I knew that I was ready to talk to him, I texted him. A nonchalant "how are you?" wouldn't hurt much, would it?

"I'm fine like always, how are you?" He answered in a minute. I told him that I had a fever last week, and he protested why I didn't tell him sooner. "Is there anything you want right now? They said people healed faster if they eat their most wanted food." And that evening, he came to my house, with a slice of my favorite chocolate cake and one serving of kimbab.

"My Yoomi is sick, she couldn't eat much, look at those cheeks, give me back my cheeks." he said pinching my cheeks. Sehun always pointed out that everything on my face was small, beside my cheeks. Small nose, small ears, small lips, small forehead, but huge cheeks. He was exaggerating. He loved to tease them so much, even called me "my cheeks" sometimes. I laughed of course, seemed like nothing changed after I blurted out that question. He still did his habit, patting my cheeks and sometimes my belly.

But of course the scar didn't heal that fast. Up until this point, I didn't know that I hold grudges. I only knew that I still loved Sehun but the feeling changed. Not lessen, but changed. I didn't got hurt much when he didn't come when I had a rather big surgery for teeth extraction. He didn't came even when I stayed in the hospital for almost a week after the surgery.

First activity I had after the surgery, beside school, was the English course. Still a little dizzy because the amount of anti-analgetic that made me sleep through the whole week, plus the fact that I didn't use my legs much, I carefully walked through the hallway to my class and found Kim Jongin was already there. Weird, he was always came in the last minutes.

"Our professional slacker came earlier than everyone else." I greeted him.

"Hi to you too. How was the surgery?"

"And how do you know I got a surgery?" I sat beside him.

He pointed out to my cheeks. “ It was teeth extraction, right?"

"Yeah." My hands climbed to the sides of my face to cover my cheeks, wondering how much they changed my face. They were swollen and my tongue was still numb, so I only didn't talk much.

"How could teeth extraction turned into a surgery and you're swollen like this?"

I had problem with my oral cavity since I was young, so dentists were not scary to me. I was used to them. "It was six teeth, Kim Jongin. Don't tell me you never got your teeth done."

"As the matter of fact, I don't." He stated confidently with a smirk plastered on his face.

"You're very lucky. Why you didn't visit me if you knew I got a surgery?"

He shrugged. "Well, you never told me."

It was kind of amazing how I could talk to Jongin casually like we’ve known each other for years when the fact was I only knew him for less than a year. Yes, Jongin was cool. He never really talked much, aside from cracking jokes. I thought he was kind of the silent, and not too attentive type. Oh boy, how wrong I was.

Kim Jongin was one of the students in my language course. He was in the same school with Sehun, Yoori, and Gayoon, and honestly I didn't know much about him. He was mysterious, he liked to skip our the courses for street dance busking. And every time he did that, Yoori and Gayoon always asked me where he was, and I ended up texting him, asking why he didn't come that day. He replied only after the class ended but he always replied my messages even though I asked the same question again and again. I asked the girls why they always wanted me to asked him things, their answers were same.

"Because Jongin is hard to get and hard to get close to. He rarely replies massages, especially from girls. Sometimes he does, but they would be awfully short."

That time I didn’t think much about it, maybe it’s his personality and I didn't really mind, I had no any intentions other than to ask what my friends wanted me to ask him. So yeah, I was fine with him being court.

The wound from Sehun calling me friend was not healed, it was as fresh as the first day even though it had been weeks, and Jongin suddenly came in every week on time so I got to interact with him a lot more and the wound felt increasingly less and less painful. He texted me time to time, asking this or that, and then nothing at all until the next class. My relationship with Jongin improved really quick. Both Yoori and Gayoon were confused of how come I got to be close with him in that short of time.

I remember how the two girls bailed me at the final oral test. Both of them were too scared to be paired with me or Jongin. They thought our English was too advance for them, so they decided to pair themselves and left me with Jongin. I thought for the worst, but it ended up with us getting closer.

Jongin was an interesting boy. He was very honest, and straight to the point, and most of all I can talk about anything with him. From roasted guguma to resident evil, from how monkeys could hanging on its tails to how people could understand hieroglyph, we could talk from sunrise until the next sunrise nonstop. He was fun to talk with, and he didn’t judge me even though I brought up many meaningless topics.

But if things were bumpy before, it turned into a roller coaster since I knew him.

Someone told me that they saw Sehun was out with a girl two night ago, they looked chummy around each other and people wanted to know if I knew about this, who was her and if I was jealous. I sad no to each questions. I didn’t know who she was because Sehun never shared about his friends except the ones that were my friends from junior high school, and I wasn’t jealous because he was still coming to me. And then another one told me that Sehun was close with a girl from his cram school. The same questions like if I knew about it, who was she and if I was jealous were asked. Again I told them that I didn’t know and I was fine. We were not in a relationship, but I was pretty sure Sehun would never treated any other girls like how he treated me.

With the informations in mind I tried to go out with my friends, got them to introduce me to their friends, and tried a few dates with some of their friends. It was always nice to meet new people, exploring and expanding my connection, but still they didn't give me the same feelings like what I had when I was with Sehun, not even close.

Putting aside my worries and insecurities, I came back to Sehun. Because if anything, Oh Sehun was not a cheater. I would not believe anything people said or tried to convince me until I saw the prove with my own eyes, even though I tried to keep in my mind that if it was true, I didn’t have the right to be mad at him. We were not a couple in the first place. And with the thoughts I planted in my head, I had a peaceful life for a while. I thought I would try to keep up with unstated relationship as long as he kept that trait I admired the most. Loyalty.

Through everything with Sehun, I still had my relationship with Jongin going through texts even though the course ended three months ago. No romantic feeling at all, I just enjoyed his companion. I never compared Sehun and Jongin, they were simply different. It was nice to talk with Jongin, I could tell him what I couldn't tell Sehun. Like another confessions I got, the fact that he knew about my past relationship with that nasty ex, or the arguments I had with a friend at school. It was seriously a silly argument, and I knew Sehun would laughed it off and would tell me to ignore it if I told him, but Jongin would always gave me advices. I could even tell him everything, even my confusing relationship with Sehun.

Five months into my friendship with Jongin, he came to my house. It wasn't something unusual, since he came once in a while, so this was completely normal. But tonight was different. He stayed until rather late hour, doing nothing but sat in silence beside me. At first I ignored it and watch a movie called Pinata. But as the minutes passed by, I finally felt the tension hanging in the air, it was really uncomfortable, and I had this urge to shooed him home. But it was not polite, and I could never do that to a friend. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I was afraid. Of what? I didn't even know. It was almost midnight when I gave up and finally asked him.

"What's wrong? You're very quite today."

He was startled, but still composed, "Nothing."

"Yeah right. I know something is up, what is it?" I said, facing him. But I was greeted with another silence. What happened? Did I do something wrong? As I remembered, we talked a lot during dinner, he just turned silent since we started watching TV. Did he not like the movie? Well, this movie was pretty stupid, but..

"Yoomi, can I ask you something?"

Finally he talked, "Shoot."

"What is your relationship with Shun?"

. "I thought I told you already."

"Yeah, but it wasn't an answer." he paused, "I know that you and Shun are not tied in a status, but you are very close to him. Everyone in my school know you, at least everyone I know are, Yoomi the Shun's girl, the one who can tame the cold Shun. And here I am, appeared out of nowhere and trying to steal the girl." He stopped again, but not long enough for me to proceed his words before he continued, "I feel guilty. Do you know that my classroom and Shun's are divided only by the stairway? Sometimes, I feel so guilty that I don't even dare to show my face in front of him. Sometimes I have take the stairs, other times I wait until he passed by before I can go to the cafeteria."

I couldn't stay anything. I knew Shun and Jongin was not close friends, they were only acquaintance, but did just I obliviously turned that relationship worse? But something was weird.. "Why do you have to do that? You can just—"

"Because I like you. Don't you see? I like you." He stared at me, his voice was sharp like I personally offended him. "You're the only one that have me texting all day, all night long."

Oh god, a huge wave of guilt hit me. This was not supposed to happen. Oh god, no.. Not again! Not my friend! Jongin was my friend! This was bad.

I took time to take in this information, not dared to meet his eyes. Seeing me mortified in my seat, staring at my hands on my lap, he spoke again. "I like you, really. And not just as a friend." And again, I didn't answer. "I don't know if Shun is serious with you, but I am." In my mind, I was pleading that he wouldn't say that dreadful words. "Will you be my girl?"

The silence was stretched too long, I couldn’t formulate a decent sentence to answer him and I was scared to lose a friend, but I didn’t want to lead him on. I loved him, in the most platonic, friendly way. “I’m really sorry, Jongin.”

"Is this because of him?"

Yes, no, I honestly didn't know why. All I know was Jongin was dear a friend. A friend who I had debate with, who gave me advices, who liked action movies, who talked about stupid things but encouraged me with wise words. And I was afraid of what this confession would do to our friendship. I was afraid that if I rejected him, he would drifted away from me, and I would lose another friend.

Besides, I couldn't leave Sehun. We were attached in this unnamed relationship. I was attached to him.

"I’m just not comfortable to have a relationship with you other than friends." I choose to say. I really didn't want to lose him, he was a great companion. To be honest, this wasn't the first time that my male friends confessed. I had a few experiences, and I knew how this would ended.

"Are you stuck?" He asked again.

I was confused, stuck? "What do you mean I'm stuck?"

"Like you were not in a relationship with Shun but you couldn't let him go either. And neither of you are making the first move to settle the situation. So yeah, stuck."

This was why I like Jongin. He could interpreted what I felt into words. He saw things from different point of view from mine, like he was guiding me to found my own feelings. I hated to do this but I stood on my ground, I couldn't accept his feelings.

Jongin had his eyes on the TV, “Do you like him?”

"Yeah."

“Then how come you’re not dating him?”

"I don't know.”

“Is there anyone asked you out?”

"There are some."

“Why didn’t you accept any of them?”

"There is Sehun.”

“So it’s because of him.”

I sighed in defeat, maybe it really was because of him.

And after that night, I didn't hear anything from Jongin for a good while. I can still feel the guilt I felt from then, I remember Jongin and I drifted away. Sometimes he was missing for days and didn't answer for my texts, once I sent him a text and he didn't replied then I would not try to sent another one until he texted me first. I talked to him when he wanted to, and waited when he didn’t.

"I need to short out my feelings, I hope you can understand me. I'll come back and we can talk like usual when the time is right." I remember he said, and I said it was ok. I understand his position and I waited for him to back to normal so we could still be friends.

That time Jongin and Sehun were the only one I trusted and I could depend on, and I got lonely when Jongin was like that. I knew Sehun had a lot of things to do, and it didn’t feel right if I ran to him because I was lonely that Jongin, a friend, was missing. Nope, it wouldn't be fair. So I kept everything to myself.

Something was not right inside me. I couldn't hold myself, I needed to know if Jongin was alright, and if we could still be friend. But I couldn't get ahold of him, so I tried to find him through his twitter account. I shouldn't have done that.

I saw a conversation on his wall, with Yoori. Apparently they were classmate too at school and it had been a while since I saw her. Last time was the final exam in our English course, and we were fine that time, so seeing her name on Jongin's wall was quite a surprise for me. Not because she had a chat with him, but it was her words that written on his wall.

"So miss I-don't-want-to-lose-my-fans-because-i-don't-know-which-one-to-choose made her choice now?"

That freaking girl I thought was a friend now called me with that name? It was a pleasurable name that I wanted to strangle her. I knew she didn't exactly mentioned my name there, but I got this feeling that they were talking about me. I didn't want to brag, but people in their school knew me already.

One of my classmate in English course saw Sehun picked me up, and she also known as a close friend of Jongin. If it was translated, she knew that I was close with those two boys. And not only that, I even got a few massages from their friends, asking me what was my relationship with Sehun, and what was my relationship with Jongin. I've had enough. I was in senior year and I didn't need anymore burden more than the exams that will happened in six months. And this thing hurt my head. If Yoori choose to betrayed me, then fine, I didn't need her anyway, it wouldn't hurt to lose someone like her.

So rather than strangled her, I wrote on my wall.

"Even a friend could not be trusted." I logged off and turned of my computer, I didn't give a crap about this anymore. No, I wasn't mad at Jongin because I knew I've hurt him. But Yoori? What the hell did I did to her that she called me that way?

Jongin texted me a couple of hours later.

"Are you mad?"

"About what?"

"About the words on my wall."

"Why should I?"

"Don't be mad, it wasn't you we were talking about."

"Sure."

Yeah, right, like I was going to believe that, the fact that contacted me just to say that after I posted the words on my wall was a prove enough. And Yoori the dear friend didn’t say anything and just stayed on the sideline as usual. They really were talking about me.

Reading the story of my life ten years ago reminds me to keep an eye to the ones I thought are friends. They said keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but what should I do if my enemy is my friend? Yoori and I had been friends for five years when it happened, or at least I thought she was my friend.

Even until now I’m still not in a good term with her, I don’t have the intention to fix our relationship and it seems like she doesn’t want it too. I’ve never did anything wrong to her but she was mean to me. Yoori will always be Yoori, the one who only stands on the sideline.

Annoyed with everything, feeling betrayed, I decided to take my friend out and groom ourselves to a salon. I wanted a change so I asked the stylist to perm my hair. I didn’t remember to ask Sehun if he liked curly hair, but by the time it was done I felt refreshed and new. I didn’t regret it.

"Hello, Oh Sehun-nim." I greeted him as he came to pick me up, I was half excited half worried. How he would react to my new appearance? Would he noticed the change?

"Hi, tummy." He came in and greeted me with a kiss on my cheek while patting my tummy. He stared at me for a few seconds, "New hair?" he curled some strands on his fingers.

I nodded excitedly, happy that he pointed it out. "How is it? You like it?"

"Looks good on you," I was about to tackle him with a hug until.. "You look like a poodle."

But he laughed at my frown, and pulled me into a hug. "I hate you, you ugly. Go home."

"But it suits you." melted, I hugged him back, poodles were cute. I took his words as a compliment.

And I instantly forgot about Jongin and Yoori. Jongin explained that the one he talked about with Yoori on his wall was not me. And in my honest thought he did that because he didn't want to hurt me, but I knew that it was me. I just knew it. So I stopped trying to reach out and care about how he was. I wasn’t that angry, I just didn’t want to care about anything that make me feel bad.

It was only 3 months left for final exams and I could finally got out from this place called high school. I was excited, I wanted a new life. But first, I needed to take extra classes. Just like what Sehun and I were talking about a few weeks ago, I took extra classes in the same place with him. We placed in the same class, just like in the junior high school. I didn’t expect that almost everyone there knew who I was.

The One.

I haven't met much people but everyone knew my name already. Sometimes they greeted me by calling my name, or just nodded in their heads at me. One of my tutor, a guy in mid 20s who was apparently Sehun's close hyung, called my name to introduce me to the class.

"So this is the one who they keep talking about, the one who can keep Sehun in line." He said after I’ve done stating my name and where my school was. I was flattered and smile at him, wondering just how wild Sehun was.

Days went with people calling me “Sehun’s girl” here and there, even when Sehun was not around.

The next session was weird, they put my class together with one other class because the other tutor was absent. There was one girl who caught my attention. Not because she was pretty, nor because she was stand out, she was rather plain. She sat right behind me, she was very quite, her hair was curly and tied in ponytail. So why did she get my attention? I got a bad feeling for this. I waited until the tutor called for attendance. He called her name. Her name was Hyunjin, and I had this strong, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I glance to Sehun and saw that he was busy with his phone. She was not Sehun's friend, because if it was he would talk to her, and he didn't. I took that as he didn't know her. The tension was unreasonable, feeling silly I ignored the feeling.

But by the end of the day, something happened and I was not prepared for the situation. I was ready to go home with Sehun walking behind me, holding my shoulders as if we were playing train. I was about to laugh at his sudden childishness and was about to throw a remark but before I could say anything I heard a voice from our side. A group of three boys, wore the same uniform as Sehun, stared at us. I couldn't grasp what they exactly talked about, but I was sure it was something like..

"She’s Jongin’s."

"He shouldn't do that, it's not his."

“What is he doing with her, she should be with Jongin.”

I took a few seconds to freeze on my feet and stared at them. I didn't knew them, and I was sure that I’ve never met them, but a thought popped up in my head. They were Jongin's friends. It was the only possibility and it made me angry. I was not a property, I didn't belong to anyone, and even Jongin, my friend, was fine with that so why were they who were nothing to me dared to talk like that. And in front of Sehun, too.

It really angered me. I was about walk toward them and gave them some piece of my mind, but Sehun's hands held me in place, gently pushed me forward, as if he was telling me to ignore what they've said. I turned my head slightly the side, trying to looked at Sehun. His face didn't say anything. He was straight expressionless and it worried me. I never thought that the situation was this ugly. I never thought that what Jongin said about their situation at school was this serious. If this was what Sehun got outside his school, then I couldn't imagine what happened inside the school.

My school was different from theirs, I didn't know how the social life in their school worked. I knew how they treated each other, they ignored each other, but what about their friends? How Sehun’s friends treated Jongin? How Jongin's friends treated Sehun?

That day I couldn't erase the guilt. I held on Sehun's hand to kept myself composed. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it, and neither did I, but I wanted to know what happened inside his head. I wanted to know if he got hurt of what they said. But he didn't even looked offended, and it made me even more worried.

What? What is this? I don’t remember this happened to me. This is my book, this is my writing, but why can’t I recall this incident? Staring at the book I try to think when was it happening. I remember the Hyunjin part, I still remember who she was, but I can’t find anything from what happened after that.

So what happened?

Feeling on the edge I turn the page to read the continuation, but there is nothing. It’s just telling me another story.

Like the other senior students, I had enough study and was preparing my collage application. One requirement to complete was profile pictures of myself. And since I was too lazy to go out to a studio, I needed a cellphone with a good quality camera and printed my picture in my house. And my the camera on my cellphone was not good enough, so I borrowed one from the closest person around me, Sehun's.

He lent it to me easily, like he didn't need it. He even suggested it himself.

"You lazy bum, here use mine." He said so I happily accepted his offer and used it for three days.

I didn't know exactly where our relationship was. I didn't know where our relationship went to. I didn't know what my position was, but I knew that I needed to know if there was another one he treated like how he treated me. If there was another girl, or girls, he played this no string attached game. It might be a right and wrong decision, but whatever it was, I did the thing that I thought was right.

I went through his inbox.

I was quite satisfied when all I could find was my messages, and some of casual messages from his friends. Some were from guys, asked him to join some soccer match, or invitations for trips from his junior in football club, and a few were from girls telling him to do things for school assignments. It was fine, it was safe. I could sleep peacefully.

Until I found his saved messages. The ones that did not appear in his inbox.

Okay sweetie, I'll see you tonight. _3.40pm

Hyunjin

I'll be there on Friday, we have tutoring together. _5.17pm

Hyunjin

All right, silly, good night. _11.46pm

Hyunjin

See you tomorrow, baby. _01.01am

Hyunjin

Petrified, I stayed still for a good minute, trying to take this small information. Trying to find a good explanation of why did he save this messages. Trying to get what he did hide behind my back. Trying to remember who Hyunjin was.

The name was there on the back of my brain, blurred, not clear, but I remember that name. A name that matched to a face I didn't even need to try to remember. Curly hair in a ponytail. That girl who sat behind me and Sehun in our joined class weeks ago.

Hyunjin.

Did my heart broke?

Did I felt hurt?

Did I felt betrayed?

I reread the messages one more time. Tried to figure out what was behind these messages that made him put them outside the inbox. As if these were special to him. As if he was hiding them from me. But I failed to find the important information in these messages, so why did he saved them?

Maybe they were special to him.

But that only meant that he knew Hyunjin, so why he acted like he didn't know her? Why didn't they talked when I was there? I remembered clearly that both were ignoring each other's presence. I remembered very well that Sehun didn't spare any glance to her, or her to him. So what was this all about?

Maybe he was hiding it from me.

I could hear my hear my heart cracked. It was loud on my ear. It cracked, slowly, painfully.

I felt betrayed, but why? We were not in a relationship. What right for me to felt betrayed? Sehun was allowed to do anything he wanted to do, and I could do what I wanted to do. I texted and talked to Jongin a lot, not only him, I did to my other male friends too.

But I didn't treat Jongin like how I treated Sehun. I didn't have, or used, pet names for them. I've never acted lovey dovey to them. And I definitely didn't save their messages as if I was afraid to loose them.

Yes, I was hurt. My heart broke.

But I stood on my ground that I would support anything that made Sehun happy. I've hurt him enough in the past, so I would do anything as long as it made him smile. If it meant that he found a girlfriend, I would happily let him go. I promised that to myself, as a friend that was the least thing I could do.

Now I couldn't act like I didn't know anything. If he was to afraid to break the news, then I would told him that I knew it already, so he didn't need to pity me and hiding his relationship.

So that night, I texted him. "You should have told me that you're in a relationship."

There, I sent it. My heart fluttered uncomfortably inside my chest. The flutters made me sweating and I saw fireflies in my room. It fluttered painfully that I felt like I would collapse at an moment. The next minute, I got Sehun's reply.

"What do you mean?"

My hands were damp and it was getting harder to type. "Hyunjin."

"What's with her?" He replied in a second

"Why didn't you tell me that you're together?"

"Where did you found out?"

Where did you found out? I scoffed to myself. I started to lose my sight, everything was getting blurry by the seconds. "Your saved messages."

"You went through my inbox without my permission?!"

"Does it matter? The thing is now I know that you have a girlfriend, congratulations."

"Yes it matters, you don't have the rights to went through my inbox. I didn't do that to you."

I don’t have the right? That just mad things even worse. The fire rose up to my head and my hands were starting to tremble. "What matter now is you're in a relationship with a girl, and you hide it from me."

"And you're with Jongin, and you never told me anything about it."

I've always been sensitive when anyone said Jongin's name. It felt like I was protective over him. Like I had to save him from any harms that came from me, and Sehun brought that up just adding fuel to the fire. "I didn't have anything to do with him! He's a friend!"

"Not that what people said though."

"I could have been with him long ago if I want him that way." it might sound like I was showing off, but it was the truth, I wasn’t bluffing. Jongin confessed long time ago, I rejected him but he stayed beside me, as a friend, without me needed to explain myself even though it was also a rough journey to stay friends with him.

"Right."

"And I didn't save his messages like you. Could you just admit that you're in relationship and make it easier?"

"No comment. Don't act like you're the only one who's hurt."

What? Did he just dig up the past to remind me what I have done to him? As if I needed that. I perfectly knew what I did wrong and that I hurt him enough to not do the same thing all over again. I stated what my relationship with Jongin was, I told him what I thought about Jongin, but he only said no comment for his relationship with Hyunjin? “This will be a long talk, and exams is in two days."

"We'll talk after everything is done."

And I didn't bother to sent another text after that. Not that day, not the next day, not even a week after that. I was hurt, and maybe he was too. But he didn't deny anything.

He didn't deny.

The only thing that made me accept everything of him, the only thing that made me survive the whole truth that I was only a friend to him, the only thing that held me where I was now, he broke it. He broke the only thing that made me trust him. His loyalty.

And now I didn't know what to hold from him.

This was my first serious confrontation with Sehun. But I remember that there was no talk about it for a long time, no talk at all to be exact. I remember I gave Sehun’s cellphone to Gayoon hoping that she would be a sweetheart and helped me to return it to him, which she did. I didn’t stop crying for two hours in front of her, telling her about what happened between me and Sehun. She knew how Sehun acted when he was with me, she witnessed it herself, she saw how different Sehun was when he was with mw and when he was with other people, and she was confused of how could our relationship turned this way. It was three days after the exams.

Gayoon was dating one of Sehun’s close friends at school, and her boyfriend was there when I bawled my eyes out. It was kind of embarrassing to cry for a boy in front of his friend, but I was hurt so bad that I couldn’t stop the tears as soon I stepped into her house. Even her boyfriend gave me comforting words.

I didn’t see Sehun after the argument, we didn't even talk though phone. I missed him. Terribly. But I didn't think that I was the one to blame. I mean, I didn't cheat on him, I didn't get all lovey dovey to anyone, I didn't get all snuggly to anyone beside him even though I loved snuggling. And if any guy make a move on me, was that even my fault? I only did what a friend do, my feelings for them were pure friendly.

I remember she sat beside me in her room after she told her boyfriend to go home because she needed girls time with me. She told me that I was famous in her school, everyone in our year knew my name; Ma Yoomi, the Sehun whisperer, the only one Oh Sehun listen to. But then my name turned bad when I got too close with Jongin. She said it was tense at school every time the two saw each other. The two boys were not just any boys, they were the boys. Not one person in her school didn’t know who they were, half the girls in her school drooled by the look of them. She also heard some called me "Master Of Friendzone" or "False Hope Expert".

My pride hurt.

That time I decided that there was nothing to hold on anymore, I should just give up being Sehun’s friend, moved on with my life and leave the one that I thought I was most comfortable with. It was the first time Sehun and I got into a fight, and it was also the last time.

There is nothing more written after that, I didn’t have the talk Sehun promised and he didn’t try to reach me. It suddenly felt like I’ve never knew Sehun in the first place. Even up until now no one of my friends mentioned his name in front of me, not Gayoon, not Jongin, no one. Sehun suddenly disappeared from my life, and I didn’t try to show up to him.

My confrontation with Sehun is the last thing written on my diary. I close the book, place it back to the cabinet and lay on my back on the floor in my room, staring at the ceiling. My memories are chasing back into my head, reminding me how hurt I was back then.

And even though I stop talking to Sehun, I doesn’t mean he’s not in my head.

I never tell any of my friends that I dreamt of Sehun from time to time. He always came into my mind in the most random time. I didn’t think about him for a long time, and then he came to my dream and my thoughts were back to him, and then I ignored it and eventually forget him, and then the cycle repeated itself. I don’t know if it was guilt making it that way or if it’s fate’s way to tell me that Sehun is still where he said he waited for me, but it happened. It’s still happening. The last one happened a month ago.

There are things I remember that I didn’t write on the book.

I was 18 the last time I talked to Sehun, one month before my high school graduation. Two years later one friend told me that Sehun and Yoori were dating, and it felt like a slap to my face. And as if it wasn’t enough, Jongin one day revealed another truth that made me stop seeing Yoori as a human.

It was known that both Sehun and Jongin were somehow popular in their school, they had their own fan clubs, they did good with their study and active at school activities, they were well known in their school, and for some weird reason both were related to me. Yoori was a tomboy I thought pretty chill about boys, not caring to much about high school romance and make up or other girly things, turned out she had been hitting on the two boys all along. Not one, but two. Sehun and Jongin.

That . We grew up together, we hung out for years, she was always by my side, and it all because she liked the boys I was closed to? Was she trying to be me? Did she want to be me? What the hell was wrong with her?

I was in rage. I am still in rage every time I remember about it. Now I remember why I put this book at the very back of the cabinet, why didn’t I just burn it into ashes. This only brings back the memories. I can’t feel any anger towards Sehun, I’ve always want him to be happy, but why it had to be Yoori?

She knew about me and Sehun, and she didn’t tell me anything about her relationship with him. She didn’t tell me that she liked Sehun, she should be, we were once friends. Was I invisible to her? Was I ever considered as her friend? What was wrong in her head?

Jongin asked me if I was okay after he told me about Sehun and Yoori, I said I was fine and I just wanted Sehun to be happy and if this what made him happy then be it.

“You’re really okay with them being together?”

“It’s not like I have any other choice, right? As long as he’s happy, I’m happy.”

Jongin hummed. We were sitting on his car, staring at nothing as the car was parked at the side of Han river. We were still friends after everything happened in high school, and now we’re on the third year of collage. My relationship with Jongin was still platonic like how it was before, he was still nice to talk to and I still enjoy spending time with him.

“What are you thinking?” I asked him when he was suddenly quite.

“Nothing.”

“How’s your girlfriend doing?” I randomly blurted out, I didn’t want the atmosphere down after his revelation and let him know that what he just said hurt me.

Jongin told me that he had a girlfriend around a year ago, he told me that she wasn’t the prettiest girl he’d ever seen but she was really nice and he liked her. I was happy for him, happy that he moved on, happy that he was happy. He was a friend that I hold dearly.

“We’re on break.”

“What?!” I sat straight on my seat surprised that he never told me about this. “How come?”

He shrugged. “We just really need one, things get rough nearing our graduation and we can’t always level headed and everything we do seems to annoy each other. So yeah, a break.”

He talked in puzzles, I didn’t really get him but I nodded anyway. “Well at least it’s not because of me, I’m happy.” I jokingly said, nudging him with my elbow.

But he didn’t react, I though he’d laugh and nudged me back. His face turned serious in a split second. Did I do something wrong?

“You are part of it, to be honest.”

I forcefully chuckled, “You’re funny.”

“It’s true though.”

Groaning, I hit my head on the dashboard. “No, you have a girlfriend and you like her, we don’t meet or talk that much so I cant be in the picture.” I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s relationship, I didn’t like this.

“But I never stopped liking you.”

“All these years?” I snorted.

“All these years. Always.”

“Gosh, you’re so mean. Your girlfriend will be sad if she know this.”

Jongin didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds. “Well, she knows about you.”

“Thank you, , for ruining my name in front of someone I don’t even know.” I shoved him to the side so his shoulder was pressed to the door.

He laughed. “Can I ask you something?”

“Spill.”

“Can I kiss you?” He said in all seriousness, all humor was gone.

I was contemplating if Jongin was out of his mind or if I was the one who was losing my mind because I wanted to try, too. He was always with me, not as constant like when we were younger but he was always there, he confessed the second time in our first year of collage, and now here he was confessing again. Was I that cold that I didn’t feel a single thing for him?

Maybe I liked him but I didn’t realize it? I was always sad when he was gone, anyway.

So I turned to him and leaned forward to kiss him, hoping I would find he sparks I was looking for. He returned the kiss with so much more passion than I expected, placing his hands on the back of my head with his thumbs were resting on my jaw. Time passed and both of us were still figuring our pace, but we couldn’t find it. I didn’t find the sparks, if anything I felt even more guilty.

I held his wrists and pulled away, giving him a small smile in apology.

“Still like the old days?” He answered me the same smile.

“I’m sorry, Jongin, I don’t think it changes.”

“Don’t worry about it, at least you tried.”

I reached out my hand to pat his head, telling him the most honest thought I had at the moment. “It’d be easier if you’re the one I like.”

“You just realize it now? Where were you three years ago?” He grinned.

“.”

“Hey, you love this .”

I didn’t say anything for eight whole seconds, giving him the judging you so hard look. “Dude.”

“That came out wrong.” He said with his eye wide, and face blank.

But the next five minutes spent with us laughing his mistake easily.

I can never express how grateful I am to have someone like Jongin in my life. He didn’t mad at me even after I experimented with him. He didn’t get back together with his girlfriend that time, but he found a new one six months after that. He’s still in touch with me until now, I can talk to him anytime I want and vice versa. And this time we didn’t try to kiss again. I figured out that I couldn’t love him more that friend and he moved on. We both now happy with where we are.

Jongin is still my friend up to this day, and Sehun is still gone without a trace. But I moved on with my life, Jongin helped me forgive myself and now I’m thinking of Sehun as a lesson from the past. Someone from my youth that I just realize that that someone is my first love.

A year ago he came to the city and had a dinner with me, catching up with him like how we usually do. He’s not around as much as he did when we were younger, but he’s still around to give me words of encouragement or just simply to hear my rants. He also gives me some news from our mutual friends that grew as the time passed. The more I meet new people, the more mutual friends we have. I don’t know if it’s because Seoul is small, or it feels small because our social life works very similar that we know each other’s friends.

He told me that Sehun and Yoori broke up a few months before our dinner.

“You don’t want to know why?”

“Why?”

“Well, they both were your friends too at some point, and I figure that even though you said that you’ll let him go, I still think that you’re still stuck with him.”

“Why?”

“You said your only wish for him is for him to be happy, I think you still like him very much that you don’t want to see him crying over you. I think you only said that to stop yourself from feeling guilty.”

Stabbing at my salad, I didn’t like where this conversation going. “I feel the same for you too.”

“Of course, you’re happy for me, but here you are, helping me with girls problems, talking like old friends that we are. I don’t think you’d do the same if it’s Sehun who asks you advices for girls problems.”

Thinking about it, it was true, I didn’t think I can handle hearing Sehun talked about other girls he tried to date, it was a situation that I never dared to imagine. “Yeah, it would be awkward because he never talked about girls with me, so the most possible thing is we sit facing each other talking about nothing.”

“Open your heart and see what’s inside. Why are you being so stubborn and insist that you’re fine with everything.” He suddenly became impatient.

“Because it’s easier than being concern and then get hurt.”

Jongin leaned back to his chair, crossing his arms on his chest. “So it is still hurting you?”

“It’s mostly the regrets, but I’m over it.” I shrugged, still didn’t want to follow his advice and see what was in my heart. “Can we talk about something else?”

It was not Jongin to listen to me so easily, he was looking at me with scrutinizing eyes, arms still folded. “Fine. Just for your information, they broke up because Yoori was pushing Sehun into marriage and he doesn’t want that no matter how many times she talked about it, so he broke things up and moved out.”

“Why are you insist to tell me this?”

“Maybe because I love you and I don’t want you to dig a hole with your books to run away from your feelings.”

-O-O-O-O-

“Yes mom, I get it. I’ll be there this week end, I promise.” I’m sitting at a table in a coffee shop, talking to my mom on the phone while waiting for my hazelnut latte. I hear the barista calls my name for my order. “Mom, I have to go, I’ll call you later. Love you.”

I take my drink and thank the cute barista before I head out.

This is the forth month of me living alone and my mom still can’t accept the fact that I’m now not living in the same house as her, and the sixth month since I started to work and study. Winter this year is a little colder than the usual. The first snow fell two days ago, Seoul is now covered with white blanket and makes the city looks like a winter wonderland.

Jongin texted this morning me to announce his arrival in town and asking if I have the time for a dinner with him. It’s been while since I saw him, and maybe I can spare some time tonight to catch up with him. I miss him, I want to know how things going for him, and I haven’t go out and relax for a long time. Maybe this is a good opportunity to give a short break for myself and meet an old friend.

Taking residency program while study is hard, I just got done with my shift and I have a discussion class with senior doctors in three hours, and there are some researches that I need to get done. I didn’t get to sleep in the last 24 hours, my eyes are barely open and the weather is lulling me to sleep. I can hear my bed is calling for a cuddle. Maybe I could go home, take a hot shower, cuddling my pillows and then comeback bright and fresh instead of going to the library.

Latte, please help me to get through today’s lecture.

My face scrunches as I sip on the drink. It’s too sweet, too creamy, and tastes like chocolate. I turn the paper cup and find that it’s signature chocolate. What the hell, the cute barista is distracting me, I thought I said I want a latte! I check the receipt from the store and it’s written that I really ordered a hazelnut latte.

Displeased, I turn and square off for power walking back to the café to protest. But on the first step my body collides with someone with bigger stature, making me hit something hard. The fragile and still full cup is squeezed and the drink is spilled all over my body.

I step back, crouching my body to avoid the hot liquid that’s seeping into my shirt hits my skin. It’s too hot no matter how much I need some warmth now. Looking down I see that my white shirt is now drenched brown, there are a few wet spots on my skirt too and they are starting to feel warm. Great, now I really have to go home before the class.

“I’m really sorry, I think our drinks are switched, this is yours.”

I snap my head up to see the culprit who ruined my day. Profanities are on the tip of my tongue ready to spill as I see who was just bump into me. But it never came, the words are swallowed back to my throat when I see him in front of me.

The name comes out breathier than I thought it would be. It’s dancing on my tongue, sounds stiff and feels weird after so long of not speaking that one name. My heart is galloping it’s almost painful, but there’s the sparks, the fluttering in my stomach, and my breath hitched. My mind is running thousand miles but I can’t think of anything. “Sehun.”

The guy is wearing a grey turtleneck and black coat. He stands still, hands are spread to the sides with one is holding the drink. I have to crane my neck up to see his face, just how much he grew? His raven black hair is pushed back and styled with gel. He looks sharp and clean, save the coffee that’s also splashed on his turtleneck. His eyes are wide and blown for three seconds before a white puff of breath comes out as he sighs, a smile carefully grows on his lips and his eyes turn into a pair gentle crescents.

“Hi there, stranger.” He’s still talking with that weird accent that I grew fond over the time we were together. “I thought I’ll never see you again.”

As if the time stopped and turns back to ten years ago when I saw him texted me back after ten months of not talking to each other. Memories of him rushes back into me, and my feelings overpowered my brain. The next thing I know the tears are dripping on my chin. I see his brows creased, but the smile stays.

He reaches his free hand forward and caress my cheek, catching a tear before it drops. An unconscious reflex has my hand up to cover his, feeling the warm flesh, making sure that it’s not a dream that I’m seeing. The curling of his fingers when he catches mine between his proves it, he’s here, he’s not a product of my imagination. The next second is me clutching on his torso with his arms tightly wrapped around me. “You ugly, I hate you.”

My face is pressed on his chest as it rumbles in a chuckle, clouding the drumming rhythm of his heart. “I miss you, too, my little soybean.”