Number 1: I am not letting myself get trampled on.

“Bring as much alcohol as possible, I want to get drunk and my parents found all my liquor and poured it out in the sink,” Eun Di complained through the phone. “And remember to bring that dress I want to borrow.”

“I will.”

“Thanks Jagi,” she said and made a kissing sound before hanging up. I put my phone aside and sighed. Apparently I was the one in charge of everything for the party tonight, which was held in her house. I looked through my checklist again and made sure I had everything ready and could leave home and go to Eun Di, my best friend since birth. First I had to choose my own outfit. Since Eun Di was wearing my best dress I had to take the second best. My tight red dress, it was like a second skin, short, exposing and daring... There was no way I was going to wear that anywhere outside my own room! I picked my black cocktail dress along with a pair of heels and put them in my bag. In the door I hesitated. I glanced back at my bed where the dress was lying, shining like a puddle of blood on my white sheets. With a sigh a walked back and put it down in the bag as well and then hurried out of there to make it to the next bus.

“Jagi!” Eun Di screamed as she opened the door and found me on the porch. I smiled.

“Hi, Di Di,” I said as she hugged me and kissed me on both cheeks.

“Did you bring the dress?” she asked and snatched the bag of clothes out of my hands. She rummaged through it and suddenly froze. “What is this?” she asked and held up the red dress. I shrugged shyly.

“Nothing really, just a back-up dress. I’ve worn the other one so many times,” I said and walked after her to her room upstairs. She threw the bag on her bed and kept the dress, still staring at it.

“I’ll try it on,” she said and started stripping. I sat down on her bed and watched as she pulled the zipper up and spinning around in front of the mirror looking at herself from every angle. She turned to me. “How do I look?” she asked with a shimmering smile.

“Fantastic,” I said honestly with an approving nod. She put on a fake sad face.

“You don’t have to lie to me.” She turned back to the mirror and studied herself critically. “I look fat and my looks too small…” she continued complaining and I kept on insisting that she was wrong. Because she really was, dead wrong. Exercising everyday, counting calories and staying away from anything containing sugar (except the alcohol) sure showed some result on her body.

“You look amazing in that dress!” I said convincingly.

“Fine, I’ll wear it tonight,” she said. That was what she had been waiting for.

“What about me then?” I asked without getting upset about her stealing my dress.

“You can just wear the dress I was going to borrow from the start. You look pretty good in that one,” she said while studying herself in the mirror again, this time with a content grin on her face. I nodded. That was my best dress after all.

Number 2: I will not be invisible.

Eun Di’s house was hastily crowded with teenagers who were eager to get drunk and celebrate the new year that was closing in.

“Di Di, Di Di!” was heard from everywhere, everyone was keen to talk to the hostess.

“Hi, girls!” Eun Di squealed, closely followed by: “Guys”, “Babyyy” or things like that. I was always by Eun Di’s side, never introduced or asked what my name was. It was okay though, I’ve never had the need to have much attention. Suddenly Eun Di poked my side.

“Hm?” I said absentmindedly.

“He’s here,” she whispered and pointed towards the door. I followed her finger and looked at Jonghyun who was taking his shoes off. “Go and talk to him,” she said.

“I don’t think so,” I said and turned the other way. I felt bad standing there staring at him.

“Fine, then I’ll do it,” she said and walked past me. “Jonghyun oppa, hiiiii!” she squealed exaggeratedly with her arms open for a hug and me following her quietly. Jonghyun smiled and accepted the hug from Eun Di.

“Hi, Di Di,” he said and smiled at her. “Nice dress…” I had already lost. Eun Di clung to Jonghyun’s arm and dragged him away from there talking and laughing loudly. I stayed put, there was no point in following them. Suddenly someone bumped into me from behind and I almost spilled my drink out.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” an unknown guy said almost without looking at me. “Hey!” he called to some of his friends and hurried away from there. I walked to the kitchen and looked at the mess on the table and the sink. Since I didn’t have anything better to do I put my glass down and started to clean up the worst.

Number 3: I am not going to be a coward.

“What are you doing here?” Eun Di suddenly entered the kitchen along with Jonghyun and a bunch of fans. I looked up from the puddle of some unidentified liquid I was cleaning off the floor. I hastily got up from all four and hid the cloth behind my back.

“Nothing much, getting something to drink,” I said and looked everywhere but at the people standing in front of me. Eun Di smiled.

“I guess you could use some alcohol, you need to loosen up a bit,” she said with a laugh and the others laughed with her. “Jagi, make me a nice drink.”

“I’m not a bartender, I don’t know how to mix…” I said wanting to run away from there. Eun Di let go of Jonghyun’s arm and walked over to me.

“It’s not so hard, just mix some random…”

“I can help,” Jonghyun interrupted. “I’ve worked at my uncle’s bar a few times, I think I remember some of the drinks.” He looked at me with a smile. I looked back at him.

“I think I need to go to the bathroom…” I said and turned away, and left. Eun Di and the other girls crowded around Jonghyun and awed over his skills as a bartender. I scoffed on the inside as I walked away from there. They hadn’t even seen any proof yet.  

I was sitting by myself in one of Eun Di’s sofas when the hostess herself suddenly plopped down beside me.

“Jagiii,” she whined. “Where have you been all night?” I shrugged.

“All over the place,” I said with a smile. Where was her lover boy? “Great party.” She giggled.

“I know right.” She looked around her and studied the crowded living room. “Such a success, I can’t wait for midnight,” she said with her eyes glistening in excitement.

“Me too,” I said a bit less enthusiastic. She tapped her chin with her index finger.

“I wonder who I will give my New Year Kiss,” she said “thoughtfully” and locked her eyes on someone on the other side of the room. I followed her gaze and caught a glimpse of Jonghyun. I sighed. Why did she have to do that? She could have anyone she wanted, still she picked him. She knew I had had a crush on him for a long time now. Just because she didn’t want me to have him. Jonghyun turned his head our way and waved at us with a smile. He started making his way through the crowd towards where we were sitting. “You think I have a chance with him?” Eun Di asked me, already certain of what kind of answer she would get.

“When you’re in the game no one else has a chance.”

“Hey Di Di, I was just wondering where you went,” Jonghyun said with a smile. He sat down on her other side and Eun Di turned her back at me.

Number 4: This year, I’ll actually fulfill my New Year’s resolutions.

I listened to Eun Di giggling at everything Jonghyun said. She was such a fake. She turned to me.

“Jagi, go and get me a drink,” she said and waved her hand towards the kitchen. I glanced at her as she faced Jonghyun again. In the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me with a strange look. I sighed and stood up heading towards the kitchen. In the doorway I stopped. The list of promises I had written earlier today popped up in the back of my head and refused to leave my mind at ease. I turned around and looked at Eun Di. Was this how I wanted my reality to look like for the rest of my life? I don’t think so. I had twenty minutes till midnight, I wanted to start anew right from the beginning of next year.

I walked back to the sofa where Eun Di and Jonghyun where sitting comfortably. Eun Di looked up at my empty hands. “Where’s the drink I asked for?” she complained. I looked at her and a smirk crept onto my lips.

“You didn’t ask for it.” Eun Di stared into my eyes. “I don’t want to be your waitress anymore,” I said.

“Jagi, what are you talking about?” Eun Di nervously glanced at Jonghyun who was watching the scene.

“When you are finished using that dress I’d be happy if you washed it before returning it to me,” I said and Eun Di laughed nervously and gave me a death glare telling me to shut up. People around started to grow quiet and looked attentively at me.

“Of course I’m going to wash the dress for you,” Eun Di said through gritted teeth. I nodded with a polite smile.

“Great, and next time you want to borrow it, you can at least ask before taking it away from me. Maybe you can start introducing me to your other friends when I meet them the first time as we’re on it. It’s always awkward when people ask me who I am thinking I’m your maid, even though you insist on calling me ‘jagiyah’ and telling me I’m your best friend.” I almost started laughing at this freeing feeling. Without thinking I turned to Jonghyun and held out my hand. “I’m .”

“I know,” he said with a small amused smile playing on his lips.

“What a nice surprise,” I replied and turned away from there. I exhaled deeply and walked away from Eun Di with my head held high while people around me were staring at me. I had so much more I could say to her, but my goal wasn’t to make a fool out of her in public, I just wanted to be free. I entered the kitchen and leaned against the sink. I closed my eyes. I breathed deeply a few times in an attempt to slow down my crazily beating heart. A tap on my shoulder made me open my eyes and turn around. There was a small crowd of people beaming brightly at me.

“That was awesome,” one girl said.

“I can’t believe you stood up to her like that,” another girl agreed.

“I can understand you grew tired of her, the way she was treating you.” Several more “praise” where thrown at me but I was unable to accept them. I held up my hands and they fell silent one by one. I gave them all a disgusted face.

“You think it’s okay to talk to me now? It wasn’t my intention to make you all look up to me because of what I said, just because I have an identity now you can talk to me? You know what?” I said looking at all the stunned faces in front of me. “You disgust me.”

Two minutes left to midnight and I was sitting by myself outside in the cold on Eun Di’s porch. I smiled to myself. Even though I was alone I felt like I had accomplished something. Someone quietly sat down in the chair beside mine and I turned my head and looked at Jonghyun who was looking at the clear sky.

“That was quite a show you put up in there,” he said without looking at me. I turned my gaze to my shoes and sighed.

“That’s not what I wanted. I chose a wrong time to confront her,” I said.

“There’s never a bad time to confront your feelings,” Jonghyun said and looked at me. I met his gaze, but I couldn’t return his smile. He was just the same as the ones I had scolded in the kitchen. He had rarely talked to me before, what made it okay to talk to me now? I averted my gaze again.

“Go back to Di Di, I’m sure she misses your arm,” I said and looked up at the sky, waiting for the annual fireworks. Jonghyun chuckled.

“I’d rather stay here with her invisible friend, she’s much more interesting, she always has been.” I snapped my head at him.

“You have never paid attention to me before, so don’t come here saying things like that to me,” I said fiercely.

“You have never let me pay attention to you. Just an hour ago you escaped me when I tried to help you out in the kitchen. You haven’t really talked to me either,” he said with a meaning look at me before staring up in the sky. “Maybe you can give me a chance to pay attention to you?” I hesitated before smiling a bit to myself and looked up in the sky.

“Maybe next year,” I said. The first loud bang was heard and a blue firework spread across the sky followed by thousands and thousands of beautiful colourful fireworks lighting up the pitch black night sky. When the bangs and colours started to decrease in amount Jonghyun turned to me with a smile.

“Happy New Year.”