Slowly this will be my first week here.

I've been crying a lot.. 

Mainly when he's not home.

Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night, shaking and crying. It might be a panic attack.. I'm not sure what words could describe it better than that.
I feel like slowly, but surely I'm reaching some kind of breaking point.. I can't even work anymore.
I'm so weak. I don't know what to do anymore.

And I have no idea how my sister is doing. She didn't text me since..

It's killing me. She was the only person that really ever mattered to me. The only one who believed in me and saw me for me and not for who I became during the bad times. Is she doing alright? Is she eating enough? Is she mad at me for leaving?

I feel so alone.

 

 

I thought these things while we were in the room with Jake, trying to find jobs for me that I could do to save up a bit. Cause I really had to. Though I have some saved up already. It's not enough to move out with it.

 

"We'll just find something easy. How about factory work?" He scrolled down on the computer screen ". There's really nothing that could be for you."

*sight*

 

"Is there anything you could do even just part time? Like, I don't know. A hobby or something. Maybe something like gigging. I might know people. And I also remember you saying you were good at singing." He looked over smiling somewhat confident

"Yeah, were.. But gigging? Would it cover anything at all?"

"I mean.. A lot of people do gigs and get a decent amount of money for it.." 
 

We paused.
 

"What about kpop? You always listened to those Asian songs."
 

"Kpop?"
 

"Exactly. I heard they got good choreos and decent songs. You could try to make a group and.. oh.. right, can't do that because of costs." He sighted "But maybe try to audition then."
 

"They wouldn't accept me. Just look at me." 

 

Skinny girls, with perfect vocals, looks, coaches and normal parents contra ed up, fat girl, no money and no skills. Yeah. Not happening.
 

"A friend of mine was into this as well. He still is , but he went to some kind of audition. He got signed to a company and sent to this college thing or what. He's doing pretty good now. Although we haven't talked in a while though. I could try to set you up or something." 

I looked at him silently.
Not me.

"Look." He got up from his gaming chair to sit next to me on the bed "I get it. But you don't look bad. I think you look pretty. You should at least like try before you say no to it. Who knows, they might accept you and then you could not only continue singing ,but.. Have food and ." He smiled

Surprisingly that made me chuckle slightly.

"I don't know man. Business is tough. Especially in Korea. And especially entertainment." I sighted "And I'm just not fit for this." Then I looked down at me

It's funny how he got it point on. 
Back in those days I miss. There was me. The real me. And I was full of passion for music. Singing all day long. Dancing, practicing. I was training myself to be a trainee at a company.
My parents couldn't afford a coach. Or lessons of any kind. But I got help from my teachers. Whats more. I never mentioned it to my parents. I was gonna have an audition. Just before, moving. 
 

I didn't just leave my friends and Korea behind. I left my dreams too. 
 

I knew I had no choice anymore once we left. 
 

And now he's bringing this idea up. Making me feel like I have a choice. So cruel, yet I am starting to feel fuzzy when I think about it.

 

"I can help you with practice. My uni has a studio. We can sneak in if you want to." He smiled
 

"It's not just that Jake." I kept my eyes on the floor "I'm fat. They will never want me in Korea. Not any job, and especially not Kpop. It's tough ,but it's a fact."
 

"Well, then how about trying to lose a bit of weight before you audition?"

 

Even though it's true it hurts hearing. Diets, again? Excercice, calorie counting.. *sight*

 

"It's easy, don't worry. Yo, my sister is an expert at these things so she's gonna help you."
 

"It might just be a waste of time though. It's not a sustainable way to support yourself when you got kicked out." I looked up ditching the idea
 

"You're worrying too much. Hey.." He's voice got gentle 
I looked up at him.
 

"I always saw you said. Even in college days. If this is actually something you like, and, it's something you can actually do then I will support you. 100%."
 

"I'd love to do this, but..." I hesitated "I can't live here and expect your mom to feed me." My voice got so quiet just saying that out loud
 

"Our family is doing fine. Don't worry. But you're not."

 

He was gently looking at me.
He's words are actually have an effect on me slowly. Am I starting to believe again?

 

"Okay. Show me first what you can do. Then we'll see. Kay?" 
 

"Yeah." I breathed unsure
 

"Anyways. You shouldn't do factory when you have a lot of potential in something else. Just my opinion." He got up "So. Want some pizza?"
 
I smiled finally "Maybe."
 

"Domino's?"
 

"Comon. Papa John's is the best." I answered smiling
 

He chuckled smiling as he helped me up from the bed.
 

"No way."

 

Maybe mom was right. I just needed a bit of help. Still wrong about the kind of help I needed.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

That night we digged in the entertainment industry. Turns out to audition you're either have to live in Korea or L.A. ,which I don't. But there are online auditions too.
 

Jake made me sneak into that dance practice studio he mentioned. It was so embarrassing to dance, sing and act in front of him. He thinks I'm amazing at all the criterias. Minus looks. Thought that's what I think. Yet he's making me use that studio for practice, even if we're not really supposed to. Still comes handy, I gotta admit.
 

He's sister too has been tracking my weight loss. And surprisingly I actually am losing it slowly. But this time fat, not my mind. Though next to those hours of dancing and exercise on top of that, and clean eating.. *sight* At least we're kind of progressing.
 

It's been a long time since I could practice. It feels so weird. Still.. It feels so good. And better by the day. My voice sounds out of wack. I guess that's my punishment for not using it at all for years. All those years. They went by painfully. I feel like a fool, I've wasted my time. Maybe I could have worked it out somehow. Maybe I just didn't want it enough..?
 

*sight*
 

I'm still worried about my sister. We still haven't talked. I'm afraid to text her. I just don't know what to say after I left her there..
 

But I know she would also want me to do this. To make a change, stay positive and succeed ,or at least hope for success. I hope. I only hope. I wish to get in somewhere. Not only because I can't depend on Jake anymore, but becasue it's my old dream.. 
My old dream that is turning into my present.
 

Music industry is not a game and is far from a hobby. It's a tough and serious business. Especially in Korea. But as I once heard from my teacher "Every dream is reachable as it only takes planning to get to.".
 

My plan was to become an idol. And my parents' plans were to move. And they won.
Damn.
 

This is tearing up some old memories.

 

I wiped my blurry eyes.

But if I can do this..
I can finally go home.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

Jake and I were listing all the companies that I could audition to online. It took us hours to find out all the details.

He removed his hand from the mouse.
"If you get in for real, they will put you on a contract as a trainee. Cool. From there on it's easy." Jake layed back in his gaming chair with his arms behind his head
"But that's only IF I get accepted." I added
"Yo, seriously. It's gonna be fine. You're amazing. I know you can do this." He tilted towards me with slight concern "And I'm sure that is at least one company that would want you signed from that long list we wrote." Slightly chuckled

I sighted long and deep.

"You're right. Maybe, just maybe I have a chance. But then.." I thought "That's only if I get back in shape. All kinds of shape."
"Hey. Seriously, I have the best ears for this. You know that too. I mean I didn't take music lessons just becasue it was a must. My editing skill's have actually improved since last time. I know a good voice when I hear one so trust me. Okay?" He gazed
"Yeah..." 
 

I wasn't full of confidence. But it sure made me feel better to hear him say this.
 

"Actually, the other day.." He started again on a more cheerful tone "..I popped a text to that friend I talked to you about.  And surprisingly he texted back." He chuckled smiling
 

What?
 

"He said he could try to help you audition. He knows people.  Appearantly there's a friend of his that's living in a share house at the moment. And maaaybee.. could save you a room for visit." He smiled
"Wait, what? That friend you talked about? The trainee one?" I blinked in surprise and disbelief
"Right?!" He blurted "It usually takes him months to reply. I send a voice recording of your covers and he replies in days." He smiled even more finishing his sentence
 

I couldn't help ,but smile. I feel like my face has gotten a bit warmer. I hope I'm not flushed. He'd get the wrong idea.
 

"But.." I stopped smiling "I can't travel there. I don't have enough saved up.."
 

He sighted then rolled closer with his chair.
 

"I'll help you out."

I looked up.

"It's okay. Really." He smiled gently "I know that you don't like me the way I like you. I won't force things on you. But you are still important to me, and I wanna be your friend. And a good one at that. So let me pay the missing costs of your travel."

I want to open my mouth and blurt out a no.
But in reality. That's all that I need to get home. And I want to go home.. *blurrs*

Jake sat beside me "It's okay. No worries." He patted my shoulder as he saw the tears
"You can finally move back home, right? *smiles* That's all that matters."
"I wanna go home."
 

I couldn't help ,but burst out crying hearing that. And finally saying it out loud. For so long I kept it in. He's the first one to hear me say this.
 

"It's okay." He losely wrapped his arms arond me

 

God. I needed a friend like him so bad.
But why only now?
He reminds me of him. From my school. I wish I could see him. Or any of my friends.

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

I practiced my hardest for three weeks.
Only got busted once using the studio. Luckily they thought I was attending the university too.
 

And we are here again. Because it's time to send the auditions. Recording the covers.
And so we did. And it went fine. And Jake even managed to ask a friend of his to get me a photoshoot. And he managed. I swear I am oweing him too much. It's uncomfortable. But I'm grateful.
Even my weight went down 5kg. Which is pretty impressive I guess in only three weeks. It was sure really hard though. I'm glad ,but also.. It's not enough if you started at 73kg...

 

"Are you ready?" Jake asked trying to hype me "We're sending in 1.. 2.. 3.."
 

*click*
 

"Yeah! Whoo!" He got up excited holding up his hand for a high five "Comon, we worked hard. You worked hard."
I rolled my eyes slowly starting to smile "Yeah, yeah."
 

*high fives him*
 

"Noww.. we're just gonna have to wait two weeks for the reply."

 

 

I sighted long...

So it begins. The wait.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

 

Days have passed since sending the files. Actually, 14 days.
Jake's friend ,the trainee guy still didn't reply to his texts. 
 

We waited for the letter. And kept going with the practice. My weight dropped as low as 60kg. Another 8kg down. Yet it's not easier. I can't sleep properly. I just want to get in so badly. I don't want to be a burden anymore. So.. That's why I barely eat anymore.. 
 

Actually.. I have stopped eating.
I felt too bad to take the food in front of me. And I knew that I had to get skinny. A lot skinnier. Even now I'm not good enough.. *sight*

 

 

As I had enough of my thoughts. I turned to Jake, who was editing a song in his chair.

 

"Jake, it's been two weeks. Did you get any reply back from the companies?"
 

He looked back at hearing my voice then taking off his headphones averted his gaze, his lips forming a straight line.
 

"No, nothing yet." He sighted heavily "I know it was good enough. Otherwise I wouldn't have made you audition."
"I told you. I'm just not fit for this." I breathed.. broken

 

And I was starting to believe it can work out...

 

"They said on the site that it could take longer than two weeks. I guess it just depends on how many people apply and how fast they go through the emails."

 

I just sighted...

 

"Actually.. erm.." He turned to me "I didn't want to tell you this yet. But I really thought, you know.. That things will go smoothly. So, maybe. I already bought your plane ticket."
"What??" I blurted "You already bought the ticket? Jake!"

 

I inhaled deep. Closing my eyes as I hid my face with my palms. 
Feeling so at shame for making him pay for me. And I didn't even get in! .

 

"Okay, I know. But look." I heard him turn another 45 degree in his black chair "So.. I said I know people. And as I said I had connections. Well I know someone that's friend have managed to save you a room, in Seoul. He said someone moved out so you gotta be quick. So I thought it was a perfect time to get the tickets. You have enough saved up to pay rent and food for three months, so it's all good." 
"But Jake.. I didn't get accepted."
"Yeon.. You didn't get accepted yet. And so what? You can continue with it in Korea too. My friend might help too. He'll probably write back soon. I told you that he's a trainee." 
He rolled closer taking my hands away from my face "Seriously. I wouldn't do this if I didn't think you can make it. So stop doing this all the time. I feel like a broken record repeated the same facts over and over. You got it. Okay? I know."

 

His gaze was soothing. Making my tears stop flowing.

 

"But.. I'm such a burden. I''ll just burden your friend too. And I don't think I can do this." I sobbed tearing again
"You see. That's probably the reason why you couldn't do it. Because not even you belive it.. *gazing* You should try believing in yourself."
I let out another sight "I want to. I am trying.."
"Good. Just try harder from now on because you got your ticket."

 

I sobbed thinking. I owe him too much.

 

"And by the way, we're gonna record some new stuff tomorrow. And we'll include the songs you wrote too."
"What? Another audition?" I wiped my wet face "Is it really neccessery to send those songs too? They're not that good."
"It IS neccessery. So stop sobbing and go shower. It's late, you should get to bed now. I got classes at noon ,but I will make sure you're practicing all day for this one." He smiled mockingly stern

I let out a chuckle finally "Fine." I got up from the bed slowly heading out
 

I stopped.
 

"Hey, Jake."
"What?"
"Thank you." I faintly smiled still blurry
 

He just gazed gently smiling as I walked off.

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

I can't believe I'm going home. Finally.
Well, maybe not literally ,because I was going to Seoul, not Chungju or Daegu. But my home is still in Korea. That's just where I belong.
 

We finished another recording. Shoot. Then sent the files.
Again... *sight*
 

I didn't get accepted yet I'm still going all out to get to Korea.
There's so much to look forward.. even so...
 

*sight*
 

My sister is not coming with me.
How could I leave her behind?
I just hope everything will be okay with her. And me..

 

Our car stopped at the side of the road as I finished thinking. The airport it is.

I looked out the window to see people coming in and out of the busy place.

Jake got out first to take out the luggages. Carrying my stuff up to the gates with me.

"Do you know where to go? Want me to come with you? Just to make sure, you know." Jake smiled wide teasing me
"Don't worry, I 'll be fine." I smiled
"Yo, if anything happens just give me a call, 'kay?" He held my shoulders looking at me
"I will." I said smiling "Jake. Thank you. Really." Tears started to well up in my eyes
He sighted then hugged me "I hope everything turns out fine." Then he let go gently
"Actually.." His face was flushed this time "Can we keep in contact? Like Line or Messenger or something."
"Yeah, let's do that." I smiled back again

 
Jake is someone I can finally call a friend. My friend. I wouldn't want to end contact with him. Especially after all of this.
 

I just wish I could have done this sooner. Leaving. Going back.
I'm sad it had to turn out like this. Leaving my sister and all. It's hard. 
But I'm glad.. 

..Because I'm going home.